Fall is uponeth you! (unless you live in maybe New Zealand or Antarctica because I’m not really sure how science works and it might not be the same there because they’re upside down).
Science. Respect, bitches!
As many of you probably don’t know because how could you because I haven’t told anyone and it’s not like I ever Tweet or anything,
I have been furiously putting the final touches on the sequel to Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird (Book 1 in the series, if you’re into counting and the alphabet and that kinda nonsense).
This!
Wait…
No…
This:
From my Science Adviser Dr. Shay West: “But they are…aren’t they??? I’ll need to go down and observe for myself. So you buy the plane ticket and I’ll do the research.”
Writing a sequel has been a long and grueling process and it has proved to be a lot of financial responsibility on my part. My accountant keeps assuring me that we can write the tequila costs off as research but he’s not sure sure about the massages. I really feel like my writing arms have to be limber for me to achieve maximum output. This should also justify the manicure expenses and the tanning bed. I’ve also been on a strict diet of Taco Bell and Zima:
This infographic was created for purely educational purposes.
I have had the love and support of the entire Booktrope family the whole way through this exhausting process.
“Do you still write books?” – Tess Hardwick, Riversong
“It’s just… you’ve been drinking a lot of malt-liquor and I’m really not sure if running scenes using LEGOs and not just making an outline is the most useful way to brainstorm” - Steven Luna, Joe Vampire
They have cleared me to release the tantalizing (which is like a bedazzled-Tarantula if you really think about it) official description for Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five. Please sit down and brace yourself before reading any further. I don’t have any money and can’t be responsible if you fall down or didn’t take your Flintstones Blood-Pressure Gummisaurs yet today:
Billy Purgatory is a man plagued by questions – about his mother’s disappearance, his love-hate relationship with vampire fatale Anastasia, and why the Time Zombie keeps stealing his girlfriends. The search for answers frequently leads him into danger and the darker corners of the world, corners he would prefer not to see.
In his quest for answers, Billy begins using the Zombie’s powers for his own designs, hurtling into the past in a time-bending attempt to create an ideal present. No one can predict the outcome of such a plan – especially not Billy. This time, his adventures take him high above the African plains, through the sleek, marbled halls of a mysterious mansion brimming with sinister science, and across the U.S. on a heated road trip with none other than Anastasia at his side. Vampires, demons, and an evil cabal known simply as the Satanic Five are all hot on his trail.
Some answers don’t come easily…but that’s never stopped Billy Purgatory.
As you can see, that kinda badassary don’t grow on trees. It took Evel Knievel months to plot out that jump over Snake River Canyon, and I’m sure it involved a ton of science and hookers to get everything just right. Well, I can’t be sure about both of those components.
What I can be sure of is that it’s almost Halloween, and very soon Billy Purgatory will skate again!
Billy Purgatory has traveled the world once again – seems like he always goes to sunny Orlando though. He is a daredevil badass – so it makes sense that Space Mountain would be right up his alley. I really don’t see him taking any advice from Jiminy Cricket, but they have fireworks every night and he does enjoy watching stuff blow up.
However, I’m not ruling out that Billy would take advice from Rickety Cricket.
Stephanie Fuller is the Book Hipster – like officially – she has a blog and everything. She and her husband, Matt, surprised their daughter Jillian by planning a trip to the Magic Kingdom and only sprung it on her days before the trip (more about that later – NOW with more Youtube video). Stephanie had just won an awesome tote-bag fulla Booktrope books in a contest given by lady-tiger author Gale Martin(if you haven’t read Don Juan in Hankey, PA or Grace Unexpected then you’re seriously missing out).
Does it say “Advanced Virgin” on that laptop screen?
So Stephanie took some books with her on vacation too.
I felt we could all use a vacation update – and so here is Book Hipster Stephanie Fuller with the rundown of travel badassary!
1.
So, how was Disney World? Did you wish upon any stars? Did they give you plenty of soap in the hotel room?
—Disney World was hot, sweaty, gross, rainy, humid…it was AWESOME!!! Seriously though…too hot…too humid…too rainy…I was a hot, sweaty mess the whole time. *shakes head* It was not pretty!
This is way pretty.
—I DID wish upon a star! I’m not telling you what I wished for cause it could still come true. Really, it could…right?!?!?!?! *bats eyelashes*
One badass welcoming another. Like Kings do on Game of Thrones!
—Soap…yes…towels…yes...coffee…yes…charging stations…no! Hey, Disney…get on that! My poor cell phone was usually dead by 5pm because I would find myself Twittering or Facebooking while I was in line waiting for rides. Wonder who I was talking to most of that time…hmmmmm…*looks around*
Stare at awesome while you figure out how to un-knot all those towels.
2.
Did you get anything cool put on the back of a mouse-ears hat? The smiling vendors on Main Street in Magic Kingdom said it was against policy to print: “#Guns, Hookers, Fire Trucks” on mine. It was a complete buzzkill – and I think it might have violated my bill or constitutional or whatever that’s called.
Don’t tread on me and piss off jetpack-kite riding Wolverine-claws Ben Franklin fighting Zeus, yo!
—You know what? I completely didn’t even think to get myself a set of ears!!!! I looked at them every time we saw them, because, why the heck not, right? They are cute and it is DISNEY WORLD!!! I was mostly looking for the kidlet because we were getting her a pair with her name on them (by the way, she decided to get “Cheshire cat” ears with her name on the butt under the tail…ha ha ha!!!). I really should have gotten a pair of traditional black ones with my name on the back…or something cooler like my new self-given nickname “The Book Hipster”. Of course, what would I do with them? It isn’t like I can just wear them to the grocery store, or out to dinner on a date night…or can I?
Mickey Mouse is real!?!
3.
Your daughter, Jillian, will probably become one-day internet-famous for her Youtube video of when you broke the surprise that you were taking her to Disney – and her sort of blah reaction to it all. Did she ever get excited about the whole thing and sort of Tosh.0 web-redeem herself.
—Good Lord…that video!!! I mean, I wasn’t expecting cartwheels or mass hysterical screaming and jumping up and down…sheesh! SOMETHING would have been nice!!! Actually she was excited about going, and while there is no Tosh.O web-redeeming video out there, she talked and talked and talked about the trip beforehand once she realized we really were going there. The lack of excitement in the video is because I told her there was a “gift” we were giving her to announce where we were going on vacation. She automatically figured we bought her a toy…not a shirt. :-\ For the record, she didn’t get a shirt on vacation either. I wanted a couple shirts we saw for her, but none of them were in my size. I think this video will be shown to all her future suitors…I’m so evil!
She totally changed her mind on the plane. They start tossing books and packages of peanuts at you then you’re suddenly down for whatever.
4.
Who gave you the strangest look when you pulled out your copy of Billy Purgatory to have you picture snapped with it at Disney World? Mickey Mouse seemed pretty cool with it…
Stephanie and Mickey – present timeline.
…but Belle from Beauty and the Beast seemed to freak a little – like it was a copy of Dianetics.
It’s a book, lady. I thought you lived in olden times before Kindle.
That’s more like it. Now you’re eligible for your SAG card.
Did you ever run into Princess Jasmine? – cause she’s way into me and she’d have been down.
Dear Disney, I love you – I saw the Avengers 8 times. Please don’t sue me. All I have is a moonshine still and my Lion King collectible Hardees glasses.
—Um…I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention to others if I was trying to take a fun picture of Billy Purgatory. The first time I asked to get it taken with a character (Mickey was the 1st!), I felt weird asking, but he seemed ok with it. I didn’t want to be in the pictures too, but my husband wouldn’t take the pictures for me on his phone(my phone was DEAD at that point, I think…or maybe close to it) without me being in the picture, so I got to hang out with Billy every time. *giggle* Belle actually was excited about the book! She is the ULTIMATE bookworm and asked me what the book was about. The shocked face she gave was because I told her the book was about “Zombies, Vampires, Devil Birds, and a kick ass skateboarder”. I don’t think it was something she was expecting…ha! A couple of the Disney workers (non-character) at the Princess exhibit were asking me all sorts of questions about the book and the author and how I knew him and one even wrote down the name of the book. Had it been our last day there, I would have given her my copy figuring, I kind of know the author and could get another. Oh, and we didn’t get to meet Jasmine. I saw her from a distance, but didn’t get close enough. Sorry.
Cinderella digs motorcycles on fire.
5.
What was the most fun ride? What’s up with nobody wanting to ride the Tower of Terror? That thing is boss!
—The most fun ride? Um…well…it is kind of a tie between an actual ride and a non-ride ride…did you catch that? Ride…The Tea Cups! Duh! We rode it two times and spun our little hearts out as a family laughing and squealing in delight. Yes, I squealed in delight, ok? What of it? Non-ride ride…Mickey’s PhilharMagic!
She’s right – this was a pretty awesome 3D movie!
It is a “3D, you sit in a theater and watch a movie” ride. We did this one twice too, although, I could have done it a million and one times and never gotten sick of it…ever! That is cause I love music…and Disney music on top of that is just the cherry on the banana split! I love me some Disney music! That probably hurts my “tough girl” rep, huh? Oh well…
Much badassary is contained within!
—Stop pestering me about that Tower of Terror ride already!!! I haven’t been on a true coaster in 4-ish years. The last time I was, I almost got sick (thank you Six Flags!)…this one looked so scary to me there was no way I was going on it alone. My husband doesn’t do coasters…at all. Getting him on a couple rides at Disney was a surprise to me and I’m so proud of him! Anyway, um, the day before, the kidlet kept saying she wanted to go on the Tower of Terror, but I had to go too. Fine. I’ll do it…for my baby girl. If I die on it, at least she’ll be happy, right? Well, as we were driving towards Hollywood Studios we pointed out the building to her. She immediately changed her mind…ha!!! I’ll go on it…maybe…just not by myself…so, when are you taking me to Disney?
“It’s a Small World, Billy Purgatory” coming this Fall on the CW.
6.
Do you think that the call-box in Epcot’s Britain Pavilion should be painted blue?
This is like one of those pictures where there’s a sailboat hidden in it – you have to squint real hard to notice anything but Amy Pond.
—Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. A million and one times…yes!
7.
Did you see anyone else promoting books while you were there? I heard that Anne Rice hangs out in front of the Teacups sometimes and tries to talk to people about vampires. I also heard that the 50 Shades of Grey lady wrote all that book on the back of cocktail napkins riding the Lime-Green Monorail around in circles.
—I think I was the only weirdo, er, I mean completely normal person there promoting a book. If there was anyone else, they were staying off my turf that day! Smart people! We were at the teacups both Wednesday and Thursday and I didn’t see that Rice woman. She better watch it…Lestat isn’t going to save her there! As for the 50 Shades of Grey lady…I’d probably smack her inner goddess upside the head for saying “inner goddess” too many times in her book!
8.
Now that you’re back to Chicago and off vacation, are you already making plans about where you’d like to take Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five? I’d like to see him go to maybe the Grand Canyon, or that park where people see bears and that volcano shoots steam into the air, or maybe a Shriner’s convention.
—Oh no! I set a precedent, didn’t I? Ok, well…um…are you paying for this trip? Cause then, I’d like to take him to Paris. If not, I’m not sure. I’m not really planning trips any time soon. If there was a Con or something soon that I was planning on attending, I’d totally take him there! I’d take him to work with me, but I’m sure he’d cause all sorts of mischief. Maybe you should talk to Steven Luna about the Grand Canyon…
Nobody’s letting Luna anywhere near the Grand Canyon.
9.
Do you have any advice for all the moms and dads out there who are planning a trip to Disney? What should they expect, what kinda secrets did you learn?
—Gorsh *said in best Goofy voice*…there is so much that I can think of right now, but first and foremost…DO NOT GO IN JUNE, JULY OR AUGUST!!! Ha ha ha!!! I’m only kind of kidding…It was way too warm and Jillian whined almost the whole time that she was too hot. It was very grating on my patience as I was also so stinking hot and gross feeling.
On his way to the Little Finger Dance Party.
—Pack ponchos! It rained 3 of the 4 nights we were there. The first night, we got soaked to the tips of our toes. The 2nd day, we were able to get the ponchos on asap and not get hit too badly.
Fullers meeting Donald Duck!
—Take advantage of the “FAST PASS”. Some of those rides have more than an hour wait…if you can fast pass it, your wait could be a lot less! —Meal plans! If you are doing a package, make sure you do a meal plan. It will save you a ton of money! Also, if you are looking to go, but want to save some cash, DON’T do the expensive resorts! We stayed at the All-Star Movies Resort and while it wasn’t much more than a glorified Holiday Inn, it was all we needed as we barely spent time in our room outside of sleeping and showering. Promise!
Disney World will style out you in the lap of luxury, oh lover of the life of leisure!
—Finally a plug for a friend—if you don’t know where to begin when planning your own Disney vacation…email my friend Treena( treena@mousecounselors.com )she is what you call a “Mouse Counselor” and will help you plan your Disney vacation at no charge! She helped us, even though we were about 90% done with our own planning…but she can help you in so many ways (even if it is just other tips and schedules!) to make your trip go smoother…trust me!!! Well worth talking to her!
The Walt Disney World resort offers fancy dining and comfortable chairs (notice the plugs, Disney – again – don’t sue me).
10.
This is not a question – it’s just a funny picture of you when you were 14 going to Disney.
Stephanie Fuller at 14, before being snatched up by the Time Zombie and transported to present day. Yes, she is wearing neon socks.
Do you think this trip would have been more awesome if you’d have had Billy Purgatory to take with you back then? Or was the 80′s hair so awesome that you didn’t need to walk around with a cool book?
—Oh no…the picture! I don’t know why I ever posted that thing…ha ha ha!!! Ah, 14 year old me…I hate to tell you this, but…um…that wasn’t the 80′s. It was 1994. Feel old, now? Sorry. *blows kiss* Also…my hair was not THAT big!!! Back on track…um…I would not have been brave enough back then to try and get pictures taken with Billy Purgatory and Mickey (or in front of rides, castles, etc). I remember being super shy about just asking for that specific picture. However, I would have been a fan of the book if it had been out then. At that point I had already been reading Stephen King stuff for a couple years, so I was all about strange and unusual books.
So many amazing things to do and see – sometimes it’s so much fun it becomes overwhelming and you have to chill on a bench and get your drink on. Disney gives you those cups – that’s the kinda awesome company they are (are you listening Disney – no lawsuits).
11.
Did Billy Purgatory cause any trouble in the airport TSA line? He usually sets the badassary-scanners off?
—No, he was behaved. Probably worn out like the rest of us. And his travel companion, Jillian, wasn’t feeling well on the way home, and due to her…um…issues, we were given special privileges in passing through the line quicker. So, he got to skip the huge line with us and run through the scanners/metal detectors. Bonus!
The Fullers are awesome!
Thanks to Stephanie, Matt, and Jillian for being so awesome. I’m digging they had a rockin’ and well deserved vacation with The Mouse!
The following is a list of people and/or companies that should not under any circumstances sue me: Disney, Princess Jasmine, The CW Network, whatever Airline that was, Anne Rice, the cast of Twilight, the Fifty Shades of Grey lady (loved your book), 50 Cent, the Fraternal Order of Moonshiners, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia & FX, Amy Pond, Benjamin Franklin, Zeus, Coca-Cola, whoever made that chair at the Polynesian, and Steven Luna.
FYI Disney, the film rights to Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird are available. There’s a sequel coming out and I’m smelling franchise money. I live mostly off letting big Pharm test new drugs on me – so we could do this deal cheap.
Speaking of Steven Luna… *CLICK!*
This book is amazing too… *Click!*
…and it’s no secret that I love Gale Martin *click!!!*
…oh, and Amazon shouldn’t sue me either. Cause that would suck.
Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy Purgatory dares you to join him.
Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.
Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixing cars and even going to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…
Billy Purgatory Book 2 is coming soon! So, read this one and be ready – because I can’t call everyone on the phone and explain to them what they missed. Or, I guess I could…
Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.
Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer.
Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.
People always ask me, “Jesse James, is it true that you live solely on a diet of Shiner Bock, Fruity Pebbles, and mushrooms that grow in your backyard?” I must admit, that while that diet sounds not only delicious + nutritious that you have to factor in a little more than that to your day to day routine if you’re gonna keep writing books. Writing books ain’t like dusting crops, boy – it takes all your electrolytes firing like it’s Gun Club Day at the Bunny Ranch.
I never expected to go into a career that involved so much mental stamina – I figured that I’d be dry-walling or working mall-security to earn my daily bread. Let’s face it, I look damn good tooling around a mall parking lot in a golf-cart.
I own that shit.
But since being a writer-type was thrust upon me, I had to start shake-and-bakin’ more than my money-maker. I realized that I had to get some serious props happening in the kitchen if I was gonna survive my excruciating routine of:
1) Research (ie watching Fox News on mute while drinking coffee. I’m talking to you, Jenna Lee)
2) Writing (texting Jennifer Gracen and asking her where commas go and what the hell a semi-colon is – and why you can’t just use un-semi-colons all the time? Especially now that I learned how to Tetris those two periods on top of one another)
3) Book Marketing (Tweeting with Steven Luna all day about how vampires are too damned proud to take jobs at Hot Topic, even though they were un-born for a job like that. The mall stays open late and all and seriously – who would you trust more to turn up their nose at you and give a snarly, “I know you are not thinking you’ve got the earlobes to pull off those dangling Ankh hoops, girl.”)
Christi Price and I talk about all the stuff you can slice up with a Ginsu knife too. We might quit book-marketing all together and bring that shit back like a boss!
So yeah, keeping it real means knowing your way around the kitchen!
In honor of this very patriotic holiday we’ve had mid-week this year, I made the executive decision to not spend the day building stuff with LEGOs and then blowing it up with Black Cats.
And instead, Bake a Legit-Damn Ham!
You might be asking yourself, “I wanna bake a Legit-Damn Ham too, why didn’t I think of that?” Well, because there are leaders in the ham game, and there are followers. I’m not gonna point out which of us is which because I don’t want you getting all pissed off and unfollowing my blog or starting some campaign on Twitter like I just said that Bieber doesn’t secretly wanna have your kittens.
Still, gaze upon my wonders and despair!
“What’s the recipe?” See, I’m reading your mind like I’m one of those spoon-bending psychic som’bitches (which I just might be, I haven’t finished listening to all the 18 cassette Unlock Your Mind Power And Go Giza On The World’s Ass series yet).
You will need:
A Ham, or some vegan substitute, which I guess would look a lot like a ham but it’d be made of soybeans and sprouts or something awful.
You will need a means to cook said ham. I like to use a really hot fire – and although I don’t necessarily use the full potential of my equipment (my baking equipment!), you might consider using a blow-torch or maybe a laser in case you need to get the temp up to like 10,000 degrees.
A pineapple. This is pretty self-explanatory. If they don’t have pineapples in the grocery store where you live steal one from a koala bear or some other animal that eats pineapples because we are the top of the food chain and we deserve it more than they do. Snatch it quick though, ’cause they bite and it’s really hard to type this blog post when my fingers are still bleeding.
A can of those fancy cherries. I like to hit one of those ritzy-hotel bars a day or two in advance and keep asking for extra cherries. You can smuggle them out in a cocktail napkin with all the numbers you got because you look sensitive when you’re drinking stuff with cherries in it and you tell women that you’re Bill Gates’ son Larry Balderdash Gates the III’rd. (add the III’rd part on there or the women aren’t gonna buy your story – and don’t tell them you left the jet out in the parking lot because women are way too smart to fall for that).
Put the fire to it and BOOM! #legitDamnHam
You do it right and you’ll have food for a week, can survive whatever plague is gonna kill us now that that Large Hard-On Collider found that piece of glitter or whatever it is they were looking for, and you might get your own TV show and get to hang out with…
Class dismissed!
Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.
Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer.
Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.
There is almost nothing that is absolute in this world we live in. Yetis are snorting bath salts, Aliens are abducting Kardashians, The Real World is still on the air … sometimes it seems like the whole world has gone brick-shithouse-crazy. There is one thing that I can rely on though, and will always be able to rely on no matter what they’re reporting on TMZ – I have the most amazing friends in the world.
This is not an over-speculation on my part, it’s a fact. Sometimes it doesn’t take much to hammer the point home, that people believe in you and they were thinking about you. That they took the time to do something kinda silly, but amazingly cool all the same.
My friends Justin & Laurel Matthews just went on vacation to sunny Orlando, and they took Billy Purgatory with them and brought back photographic evidence to prove it. It’s not that they took the pictures – it’s that they had the idea that’s so damn cool. They took time out of their lives to do it.
Your friends are thinking about you, and they have your back. If you ever lose sight of that, they’ll show you in the weirdest ways. Take comfort in your friends, everybody. They’re special and you’re special to them. They laugh at your dumb jokes (most times, they’re the only ones that get them), they’ll embarrass you by having the waiters make you stand on chairs at restaurants while the waiters sing Happy Birthday to you, they’ll kill zombies with you when the shit goes down.
Isn’t that what it’s all about?
(I robbed these out of Laurel’s FB album “Where has your Billy been?” with permission)
“The white man’s gods will not let him die.”
Solving crime!
On a Yeti Hunt!
Billy Purgatory ain’t afraid of no ghosts!
Relaxing on an exotic Florida beach!
Jungle Book!
“Mom?”
Chillaxin’ at Animal Kingdom!
Sherlock Holmes left that there!
Justin Matthews pays homage to a legend at Disney Hollywood Studios!
Laurel Matthews made the Hollywood Tower of Terror her bitch!
Thanks Justin & Laurel – you’re both completely badass!
Greetings brothers and sisters of Planet Earth! The Mozrian Saucer Armada pulled into a club on the not-so outer-ring of Saturn. I thought the rave on Pluto last night would have shut these guys and green girls down – but if there’s anything I can report with any certainty to all of you who are scared that aliens are gonna blow you up – it’s that aliens are way too distracted getting their club on to worry about a full-scale invasion.
There's a reason Space-Aliens abducted Randy Quaid.
It’s seriously like you dropped a Kardashian into a shoe store and told her there was a free E! Channel Wedding Coupon hiding in one of the boxes of Jimmy Choo’s – the party is kicking until someone is stumbling out with a new financee and a fancy pair of strappy heels.
Now's your chance, dude - her Fiiii - Ance left her!
So anyway, club life in the outer cosmos doesn’t look like it’s stoppin’ anytime soon. Meanwhile, while I’m out here trying to get alien girls to notice me – which is a whole set of problems beyond getting regular girls to notice me – back on Earth a lot of people have downloaded their FREE Kindle copy of Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird. People seem to really be into the idea of checking out what Billy Purgatory is all about + they seem to like getting stuff free too – it’s my pleasure to provide both of these things to anyone who wants them.
A writer who I follow on Twitter by the name of Tim Queeney – who wrote some really cool books that I like, George In London & The SHIVA Compression + runs a really funny site called Height of Eye, was nice enough to read Billy Purgatory and write up a review. I guess I’m never really prepared fully for people to like the book enough to write a review, much less say stuff like this:
The first few pages of Billy Purgatory seal the deal. You quickly realize that this is no ordinary skatekid, vampire, monster, devil bird book. Billy Purgatory is a phantasmagorical thrill ride into a world of teenage love, blood dripping undead and one of the most outrageously entertaining birth scenes ever written. More than merely a humorous, stylish foray into the horror genre, however, this book also resonates with themes of love, loss and acceptance of the way that life can hold us back, even break us. The last thing you might expect about so entertaining and imaginative a book like this is how touching and ultimately true it is. If there is something about Billy Purgatory that might not work for some readers, it might be the book’s episodic/dreamlike structure that doesn’t move like a standard linear plot. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from grabbing a copy of Billy and going for a wild ride!
The fact he’s a fellow author who I respect and am a fan of just makes it all better.
Billy Purgatory is still bouncing around the Top Ten on Kindle’s Contemporary Fantasy list (#6 last time I checked) and it’s still FREE and I’d love for you to get yourself a copy and I’d love even more to hear what you think about it. When I get back to Earth, I’m probably gonna charge money for it (if I’m not too hung over from all these future drinks to remember to change the price).
Click for Time Zombie Transportation!
Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy dares you to join him.
Other Earth-Badassary News that I heard about today (via Space-Twitter)…
Check out this smoking hot cover – it’s sweeter than space-love!
Patricia Tallman, from Babylon 5 gave him an even sweeter cover blurb: “GREAT RIDE! Loved reading it. Couldn’t put it down!”
Classy hot space lady! Patricia Tallman, you're doing it right *sigh*
The Prodigal's Foole is FREE for a limited time for you to grab up too! Click!
A man can run from his past … but not his future.
Symon Bryson lives in self-imposed exile until Monsignor DuBarry goes missing and not even the most adept of the magic practitioners can determine the reason for the abduction. The clues lie buried in the past amidst epic battles and horrific losses but reliving that failed mission uncovers fresh challenges and fearsome threats that reunite his old team.
Symon must deal with his own hidden demons and confront the menace that threatens the delicate balance of power. When the darkest of all evils lures Symon into springing a long-planned trap, an unsuspecting world will confront the unthinkable.
When all that stands between Heaven and Hell is magic, more than faith will be tested.
Check out Tim Queeney too!
Click on George!
“George in London is funny and a touch irreverent, a fun voyage which, if it didn’t happen, we should wish it did. Tim Queeney captures the spirit of the young Washington and surrounds him with a cast of compelling characters, foremost among them the indomitable Darius Attucks. And if the personal history is made up, the social history is spot on. The customs, speech and eighteenth century settings are rendered with well-researched accuracy. For readers who might like their history leavened with humor, this book is for you.”
-James L. Nelson, author of the books, “George Washington’s Secret Navy: How the American Revolution Went to Sea” (McGraw Hill); “George Washington’s Great Gamble: And the Sea Battle That Won the American Revolution” (Ragged Mountain Press) and “With Fire and Sword: The Battle of Bunker Hill and the Beginning of the American Revolution” (Thomas Dunne Books).
Click the Missile!
The ultimate doomsday weapon: The top secret SHIVA Compression virus can automatically launch all U.S. nuclear missiles. Once released onto the nation’s communications networks, SHIVA cannot be turned off.
Air Force Lieutenant Perry Helion stumbles across a twisted cult that seeks to use SHIVA to produce an orgy of destruction. Perry and his team have only a few days to somehow stop the SHIVA virus from burrowing into the launch computers at every Minuteman missile base and sending the nuclear warheads arcing skyward to an all-consuming firestorm.
I can’t figure out what all these abduct’ee folks keep going on and on about – it’s a mystery to me. Being held captive on the Mozrian Attack Saucer has been the best party I’ve been to since Charlie Sheen and I got kicked out of The Mansion. Last night, or however that works in outer space, we went to a rave on the planet Pluto (and yeah, snobby astronomers, Pluto is a planet – and the Pluto’y'ans are straight pissed about that still). Armin van Buuren was spinnin’, it’s called A State of Pluto up there – and FYI if a green lady ever offers you any little star-shaped pills TAKE THEM (they’re cool *wink wink*).
Dancing on top of a speaker stack while a million aliens chant, “Cupcakes, bitch!” – it just doesn’t get any more intergalactic than that. I’m pretty sure I’m not coming back at this point – I’m worshiped in outer space – a lot like Oprah is.
"You owe me Billy Purgatory 2! You have a contract and we'll extradite your ass!"
I feel a lot like that guy, that made that mountain out of mashed potatoes because he thought he saw E.T. – and they hadn’t invented Reese’s Pieces yet. They took that guy into space too, which is weird because as far as I’ve seen there aren’t any sharks in space – so I don’t know what good he’d have done any outer-space people. Maybe he wrote another Opus like he did in Amsterdam?
"The Aliens should'a abducted that Quint guy - he's a badass!"
Dammit, ya know – those pills that alien gave me tasted just like peanut butter – guess I’m just naturally high on my own space-badassary + never trust a green chick!
"Billy Purgatory is #3 on Kindle Contemporary Fantasy cause flying through hyperspace ain't like dustin' crops, boy!"
Meanwhile, Space-Twitter (which is way cooler than Earth-Twitter because it’s all holograms and they say stuff like, “Help me Jesse James, you’re my only hope!”, which is pretty awesome to hear finally – anyway – I have been alerted that Billy Purgatory is still FREE on Earth Kindle (on Space Kindle it’s 27 Million Galactic Credits)! So, anyone on Earth has been put on notice – you better get it free while I’m raving on Pluto and green-chicks are distracting me with Reese’s Pieces (and well, other stuff about them is distracting, but you know Don’t hate the space-player hate the Game!)…
Plus, I heard Tupac came back to life – which is completely badass!
Click to fly your ass into space! (okay, it just takes you to Amazon and you can get Billy Purgatory for FREE on Kindle!)
I’m still trapped aboard a flying saucer, but that doesn’t mean totally fun and inventive blog contests have to stop! Book marketing waits for no Alien Invasion Force!
Please choose the picture below which best illustrates the concept of Beautiful Maidens:
(A)
(B)
(C)
(The answer is B, but we’d had to have taken A on the technicality that’s a picture of Cinderella – which creates a whole Disney Princesses sort of paradox)
Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.
Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixing cars and even going to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…
*Editor’s Note* We’d have also accepted this write-in:
People of Earthlings and Texas! I don’t know how long I will be able to transmit – as I am still abducted’ficated aboard the Mozrian-something Supreme Command Saucer-Place. I know that many of you are probably worried about me up here, but you must stay the course down on the surface of Cleveland or wherever the hell you are receiving this message. Ladies, please don’t cry – I would like to report that I am still in fine health and that contrary to what those UFO kooks used to tell Art Bell all the time, not all alien saucer people get down with the probe. I am told that probing only happens with a special subset of Alien Yetis who are into ball-gags and peyote – taking their captives temperatures/looking for love in ALL the wrong places.
#deviantYETIS, has Art Bell always known this truth?
I am not sure what the general evil plan of the invading Mozrian Saucer Army is, but I can tell you that you are probably in little danger right now as I was carrying my lucky deck of playing cards and I currently have the command bridge distracted and engaged in a drunken card game I learned in college called A**hole! They seemed suspicious at first, and that’s how I learned that they’re not the proby-Yeti aliens, but I assured them that the name was just a strange coincidence. Their liquor sucks by the way – it’s nothing but future-drinks like something that Shay Fabbro might mix up when she’s on a Star Trek watching marathon. Not only does it look like anti-freeze, but it tastes like it too – and no matter how many three-nippled space olives you drop into the stuff it never gets the right kinda dirty.
"Yes, Dr. Fab, drinks are very colorful in spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!"
As far as I can tell from the view-screen, I am currently over Washington State. Aliens like to buzz stuff in their saucers, and it’s been the Space Needle all day. I got to wave at Ken Shear and KSears – I’m pretty sure that I saw Tess Hardwick walking Patches. It’s kind of amazing how all those flannel shirts on the ground kinda blend together from way up here. It made me homesick, and wonder if I’d have made a good lumberjack. They’re still arguing from the rec-room while they play cards and yell out hazh’zen’phoocter (which is Mozrian for A**hole – I think?) about whether they’re going to point the saucer at Rio and buzz that big statue of Holy-J next or if it’s off to incinerate the Hollywood Sign.
These guys are all about paradoxes.
Please let our leaders know that the entire Mozrian ground command force is made up of really hot alien women who shouldn’t be underestimated. They all wear ear-buds and blast Alanis Morisette songs on their space iPods + they’re all reading Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales by Marni Mann. They keep licking their cosmos-Kindle viewscreens and chanting “Heroin and Lobster” – so they’re pretty keyed up.
"We will mate with your human heroin and your lobsters!"
Oh, and tell Luna that space-vampires really have it worse than Joe Vampire does. The navigator guy is one and they make fun of how much he sparkles. Tell Luna that if he wants to use it, the space word for vampires is sparkalulapluss.
I’m not sure if the room I’m typing this message from is a flying saucer chapel or a liquor storage depot – regardless, there’s a framed poster of Tracey Hansen on the wall. The Mozrian’s might worship her, or the general legend of just how much liquor she can consume in a sitting has made it to the other side of the galaxy and back. Really when you think about it though, isn’t that what religion is all about?
"We will know new gods on your Earth!"
I think I hear them coming down the hallway, the MacGuyver Swiss Army knife and this flask of opium isn’t gonna last for much longer. Time to get John McClane on these aliens and come up with a plan. If any of you wanna help me on the ground, please put a sixer of IMPORTED beer (not the domestic shit, I’m trying to save your ass from aliens here, help me live it up a little) in your backyard – I think I’ve figured out how their tractor-beams work and I’ll reverse-Santa the beer as we’re flying over your house.
"Any of this'll work! OurMy survival depends on it!"
Be strong human-American people – these aliens picked the wrong Texan to tap-dance with – I’m about to go Black Swan on their asses.
Billy Purgatory is LEGIT 100% pure Rock-God Love FREE on KINDLE
Click for Amazon to get Billy Purgatory FREE, before I escape from the aliens!
Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.
Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixing cars and even going to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…
Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.
There is no need to adjust your primitive blogs or your “EYE”devices. I am Kr’kos’rathos, Supreme Commander of the Mozrian Empire’s Flying Saucer Armada!
"We roll like this..."
"...and space chicks who look like this dig our style!"
I know, you are but an Earthling and you most likely find that not only impressive, but HORRIFYING! “No, Kr’kos! This can’t be true. The Mayans said we had until December.” The Mayans were liars, but we do not find it surprising that you believed them. We have been monitoring your simple-minded Earth-Entertainment transmissions for many years…
"Blair or Tootie? It is debated across the cosmos!"
Our spies have abducted the human you call Jesse James Freeman (yes, the drunk one), and while he is prisoner aboard our saucer we have used our superior intellects and technology to manipulate the price of his Kindle book, reducing it – as we will one day reduce the galaxy – TO FREE! Yes, zero galactic-credits. Cheaper than a Xanxarian Flash-Dancer with an engorged tusk!
Click for your FREE copy of Billy Purgatory!
The first of our demands is that you click on this link and download your copy FREE! Other demands are much more complicated and MUCH more nefarious! Just to give you a heads up, if I were you I would begin re-assembling the cast of Silver Spoons (give Ricky Schroder ANYTHING he demands!)!!!
"You have been warned! Do not deny the Schroder!"
Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.
Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…
Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.
I wrote a book and I thought: Okay, I wrote a book – uh… Time to write another book??? I also thought, wouldn’t it be cool if they still made S&H Green Stamps – and I could trade them in for vodka…
I didn’t really anticipate people saying such nice things about it (come on Bitter Bad Review, I know you’re out there waiting in righteous judgement!). I really didn’t expect anyone to make Billy Purgatory songs?
Well, Michael Pallante made some music:
There is also an 80′s re-mix!
Steven Luna aka Joe Vampire made some music too:
Plus, if you want to hear my Texas voice telling Minmay to Shut the Fuck UP + sing Champagne Supernova:
I would like to thank Michael Pallante (who was nice enough to send me an advance copy of his upcoming album, which owns!) and Steven Luna the author of the fantastic Joe Vampire (my love for which is well documented all over Twitter) for taking the time out of their busy schedules and digging Billy Purgatory enough to put all the time and effort into this madness. I sincerely appreciate it.
Michael Pallante also has a book:
Dig it up at Amazon!
Jake Wilkin’s father had kept the old house a secret from his family. When he inherited the house from his father, Jake received more than a property- he became the keeper of a dark family secret.
Jake’s solo trip to the Appalachian Mountains to visit the estate disturbs something dark in the house. Jake pours through the house’s decaying library of arcane books, hunting for the reasons his father kept the house a secret.
However, a dreamlike romance with a young woman who comes and goes with the moon pulls him ever deeper into a world of insects, insanity and witchcraft.
Steven Luna has a book:
Scrub the sparkles off your fangs @ Amazon!
Hey, folks. I’m Joe, and I’m a vampire – not by choice, mind you, but by accident…a fate-twisting, fang-creating, blood lust-inducing misunderstanding. It started with a group date, a case of mistaken identity and far too many sake bombers, and ended with a ridiculous set of circumstances that I just can’t seem to wrap my head around.
Maybe you can tell: I’m not real happy about it.
But I’m certainly not going to let it get in the way of my life.
So I’ve thrown my ranting into a blog. I’m hanging out my dirty laundry in an effort to explain the real deal about being a card-carrying member of the Undead Elite. Maybe it will help others understand the truth about vampires. Maybe it will help me come to terms with it, too. Believe me, it’s not all satin capes and naked ladies…none of it is, actually. One naked lady would be nice. Instead, it’s just one nasty little surprise after another. The truth bears exposing, and I’m pulling back the curtain on all of it. If I can figure out how to keep it from mowing me over in the process, then that’s groovy, too.
And that thing about vampires sparkling in the sun?
That is a bunch of bull.
Me and a ton of other cool people have a book:
13 authors spin tales about the many stages of life: laugh, cry, think, plot, plan, be inspired, nod your head and go "Oh yeah, girl! That happened to me too!" Click for Amazon!
Attention whore, remember! Click for Time Zombie Transportation!
Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.
Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…
Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.
I think this video will be shown to all her future suitors…I’m so evil!
Oh, and we didn’t get to meet Jasmine. I saw her from a distance, but didn’t get close enough. Sorry.
