Write For The Fight, Riversong, Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales: Some thoughts from Atlantis, Ranch!

I was lucky enough to participate in a collaborative effort put together recently by Booktrope   and Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen – it’s called Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays.  I am obviously proud of it, maybe more proud than the time I won the UIL First Place Editorial Writing Competition when I was in high school and wrote for the student newspaper (which actually happened, I’m not making this one up).

I didn't win all these, I Google'd 'em.

I’m more proud of Write for the Fight because I kind of knew that I was going to win the UIL thing and didn’t work so hard for it.  The topic was “whether or not we should allow prayers before school sponsored sporting events” and I went with arguing the side that I was pretty certain I would be the only kid in the room arguing for.  I grew up in Texas, I’ll let you guess how I bucked the trend.  I guess I wrote a good editorial piece, the judges seemed to think so, but I was also more arguing for what I knew would win instead of putting any real effort into what I was writing from any sort of deep held philosophical perspective.

For all practical purposes, I wasn’t writing – I was counting cards at the casino and hoping I wouldn’t get caught.

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Write for the Fight was a different sort of deal – I respect Tess, Tracey, Marni, and all the other really great writers involved – and I felt that if I counted cards this time I’d be doing the rest of them an injustice – again, Texas, weird sense of honor down here.  When I had to write my essays:  What do you miss about being 5 years old?, What would you tell your 20-year-old-self?, What, at this point in your life, do you want, wish and dream of for your life going forward?, What would you want said about you on your 80th birthday? : I felt that I needed to be really honest and speak from the heart.  That’s not really what my writing is traditionally about – if you’ve read Billy Purgatory and you follow this blog, you know that I am a #badass.  I write about: skateboard monster killing, heroes with 1000 faces, motorcycles on fire, Devil Birds, Time Zombies, emotionally-unavailable vampire girlfriends, and Sword Witches.

I mean, I’m seriously considering plotting out a book about Witches VS Robots…

"Negative, Ghost Rider."

Well, regardless if Witches VS Robots is a good idea or not – the point I’m making is that my writing is normally meant for straight entertainment value.  I like taking people on adventures to places that they’ll probably never go (cause I make that BS up!), I like giving people something to turn off their brains and have some fun, and above all else, I love making them laugh and feel better about themselves after their done reading.

Laughing like this chick, whose name I can't spell, back before Heroes sucked and then got cancelled.

Could I write essays in such a serious book?  For awhile there, I thought that I’d never be able to answer any of these questions and I was sort of in crisis a little about the whole thing.  That’s until it hit me – just because the word essay is part of the title it doesn’t mean that this is a serious book at all.  Yeah, parts of it are serious, sure, but just as much of the really great life stories that these authors from all over have to say in this book isn’t so serious.  These stories run the whole gambit from light-hearted and fun to thought provoking and spiritually deep.  These authors I was lucky enough to work with all opened up and shared stories from their lives with the world.  Just because technically they’re essays doesn’t mean they’re snooty book-learnin’ stuff that we had to write in college in those awful blue books and turn in for a grade.

I couldn't find a picture of a college blue book, so here's some S&H Green Stamps - back before they sucked and got cancelled.

Doesn’t mean they’re some silly question some judge thought up to make high school kids argue about in a fake newspaper article so they could win some fake gold trophy pin (which, by the by, looks really nice with those Texas Star imitation gold-cuff links I’m prone to wear on special occasions).  They’re not really essays at all in my mind.  They’re really good stories that will make the people who read them go off on adventures they might never go on – but they’re guaranteed to resonate on the reader’s own life adventures.  There might be a few tears, there are definite laughs, and there will be smiles when we realize something about that sameness we all share that Tess Hardwick is so fond of blogging about.

"Our Sameness" ie here's another picture of Tess in her prom dress surrounded by a lot of people who wish that this picture of their hair-do's didn't exist. See how life stories, and the 80's, point out our similarities to one another.

We really hope you’ll consider reading some stories we wrote that speak of journey’s we took in our lives.  We also hope that these stories will spark memories, hopes, and new dreams about the story your own life is writing for you.

Please LIKE Write for the Fight on Facebook!

Click to check out Write for the Fight on Amazon Kindle! All author proceeds for this book donated to breast cancer charities!

Authors Tess Hardwick and Tracey Hansen, inspired by the myriad voices in the world, compile a melting pot of life paths from over a dozen unique individuals, each exploring the four timeless questions we’ve all pondered:

· What do you miss about being 5 years old?
· What would you tell your 20-year-old self?
· What, at this point in your life, do you want, wish and dream of for your life going forward?
· What would you want said about you on your 80th birthday?

These experiences make us who we are, defining our personalities, perspectives and dreams as we move through the seasons of life – from memories at age 5 to the person we hope to be described as on our 80th birthday.

From the thoughtful to the blunt, experienced to the young – WRITE FOR THE FIGHT is a humorous and emotional journey that will take you back to the best of times and get you energized for the future. All writer royalties will be donated to charities benefiting the fight against breast cancer.

Contributing Writers
Gordon Bonnet
Galit Breen
F. Jo Bruce
Derek Flynn
Jesse James Freeman
Laura Kilmartin
Marni Mann
Karla J. Nellenbach
Terry Persun
Laura Tiberio
Laura Zera

And speaking of stories…

Marni Mann is one of the writers involved in Write for the Fight, plus she also wrote the awesome Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales!

Click for Amazon Kindle!

“I could feel my chin falling towards my chest, my back hunching forward. My body was acting on its own, and my mind was empty, like all my memories had been erased. There was scenery behind my lids. Aqua colored water and powdery sand that extended for miles. I was never going back to coke. I wanted more heroin. And I wanted it now.”

Leaving behind a nightmarish college experience, nineteen-year-old Nicole and her best friend Eric escape their home of Bangor, Maine to start a new life in Boston. Fragile and scared, Nicole desperately seeks a new beginning to help erase her past. But there is something besides freedom waiting for her in the shadows–a drug that will make every day a nightmare.

Heroin.

With one taste, the love that once flowed through Nicole’s veins turns into cravings. Tracks mark the passing of time, and heroin’s grip gets tighter. It holds her hand through deaths and prostitution, but her addiction keeps her in the darkness. When her family tries to strike a match to help light her way, Nicole must choose between a life she can hardly remember, or a love for heroin she’ll never forget.

And…

…the talk of the day (she’s been hovering all over the Kindle Top Five today *Update* Hit #1 today!!!) and the Queen of the Prom, Tess Hardwick!  She wrote a fantastic book called Riversong, which, at the time of this blog posting, is FREE on Amazon Kindle!

Click for Amazon Kindle!

When Lee Tucker’s husband commits suicide, he leaves her pregnant and one million dollars in debt to a loan shark. Out of options, she escapes to her deceased mother’s dilapidated house located in a small Oregon town that, like her, is financially ruined, heartbroken and in desperate need of a fresh start. Lee’s resilience leads to a plan for a destination restaurant named Riversong, to new chances for passion and love, and to danger from her dead husband’s debt as her business blooms.

Author Tess Hardwick assembles a colorful cast of endearing small-town characters and takes you on a journey that will make you believe in the possibilities of life – even in the face of overwhelming adversity and unimaginable grief. Lee Tucker is the kind of woman you find yourself rooting for long after the last page is read.

A surprising mix of romance, humor, friendship, intrigue and gourmet food – Riversong entertains while reminding you of life’s greatest gifts.

Wrapping it up…

…Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.  Jesse did actually win an editorial writing award when he was in high school, but he lies about practically everything else that he posts on this blog.  He is currently plotting his new novel Witches VS Robots.

11 Questions of Badassary w/ Tess Hardwick

What can I say about writer Tess Hardwick that hasn’t already been said?  

I'd make a celebrity roast joke, but then I'd have to send a royalty check to Andy Dick.

She left Hollywood in the rearview so she could pursue a more fulfilling path as wife, mother, caretaker to Patches the Dog, and #1 Barnes & Noble best-selling author of Riversong.

Before we get into all this intellectual book-snobbery - honestly - how badass is Patches?!?

Tess and I did not meet on the mean streets of Los Angeles, but we both come from there kinda.  I say kinda, because we’re both from places originally that have a lot more to do with close families, big trees nestled amongst serene natural landscapes, and really good food.

In our day to day lives, Tess Hardwick and I could not be more different from one another.  She’s a married mommy. I’m a single father raising Pop Pop Zanzibar the dog (okay, that’s kinda ‘in common’).  She watches the Lifetime channel. I quit watching TV because I spend my nights down at my moonshine still guarding it against yetis.  She drives a mini-van to zumba class. I’m building a functioning jetpack out of LEGOs.  She said it best, talking about the two of us, on her blog, Inspiration For Ordinary Life, shortly after we first crossed paths on Twitter:

“Now, I don’t know him well, but my guess is he doesn’t drive a minivan.  I’m fairly certain from his tweets and his blog that he’s quite adventuress and I’d have to guess does not live in the suburbs.  He definitely does not write “feel good girl books” like me.

But strangely enough, we have a lot in common.  We’re both trying to make a living as writers.  We have highly developed senses of humor.  We have generous hearts.

We both loved the show “Twin Peaks”.  He figured out that I live near the diner featured in the show and asked if I would take a photo for him, which I did today.  His request made me think about how on the surface, our differences seem to separate us but when we take the time to look slightly deeper,  the commonalities we might share become all too obvious.”

"They got a cherry pie that'll kill ya."

Tess really did send me that picture!  So yeah, we were both writing, we both got our books out, and we’ve even contributed to a book together now.  Guess people from different locales and with different sensibilities can have things in common after all - except when it comes to yetis – neither Tess or I have anything in common with yetis.

Now, prepareth yourselves for the coming of the rain!  I didn’t cut her any slack, and now Tess Hardwick sits in the golden tilt-o-whirl of truth as we unfurl another episode of…

11 Questions of Badassary!

1. So you wrote a book called Riversong.  There’s intrigue and mobsters and Mexican food and starting restaurants and love.  Explain?

Well, I’m sure if you’ve followed my so-called career at all you will see a major theme. I love food. I love to write about food. Whenever I can I mix the two, I do.

There's a hot fireman/musician - try to keep it calm, ladies.

2. We’re both with Booktrope.  Our books both came out in 2011.  Both of our books have a birth scene in them.  Can you compare and contrast?

Let’s see. My book has a brief description of a woman feeling like she’s being torn in half during labor. Your book has a birth scene where an entire hospital staff faces monsters, goblins, witches, guns, axes. It takes an entire group of friends to save the baby. Both our scenes are horrific in their own way. Having given birth, I’m going to have to go with your description as more accurate.

The Valentines Day gift that keeps on giving - tentacles.

b.  So your birth scene is more Twilight?

Will I get in trouble if I say I’ve never read it? I only like emotionally unavailable vampires like the one in Billy Purgatory.

c.  Walton’s Mountain then?

Yes, definitely more Walton’s Mountain.

Everything I learned about drinking, I learned from these broads.

3.  You went to college in LA and used to run around with KSears.

Back in the day!

I’ve heard it told that you and I both met Shannen Doherty once or twice…

Yeah, she was in the backseat of a car sitting next to Christian Slater. I was in the front seat, a little tipsy I have to admit, and not really understanding how big they both were in those days.  I wasn’t nearly as impressed with them as they were with themselves. No wonder Hollywood didn’t want me!

"Even Martha Dumptruck is reading Riversong, Veronica."

b.  Christian Slater too?  Was Scott Bakula there?  What about Marni Mann?

Scott Bakula was not there. However, during that same time period, I worked as a waitress at a California Pizza Kitchen at the Beverly Center.  

This is what it looks like, so you can roll your eyes and go 'duh' when the Hollywood Tour Guide says, "Author Tess Hardwick used to work here."

Scott Bakula’s former college roommate was our bartender’s ex-roommate. He used to come in all the time and sit at the counter, eating, and catching up with his friend. I was a little star struck because I LOVED him and his show. Now I can’t remember the name of it. C’mon, Jesse, you know which one I mean. He jumped into other people’s bodies and time travelled. It was awesome.

She's talking about this shit.

c.  Was Marni painted green?

I can’t tell you the details because I pinkie swore with her that I wouldn’t. I’ll just say this. It was more of a pea green than an avocado green.

"Green Chicks" : Damn you, Google Image Search. Damn you.

4.  Riversong has some pretty heavy themes in it.  A good portion of the book deals with deciding what do when your life goes through an upheaval and you’re forced out of your comfort zone and have to make tough decisions about how to start over.  Was there a time in your life when you had to make similar decisions?

Gawd, only like two or three times now. The first was when I decided to give up on my acting dream and leave L.A.

It was hard to let go of this image I had of myself as an actress, having the sort of life where I was a working actress in theatre, especially.  But I was terribly unhappy there and needed to make a big change.

This is what you get when you Google "Oregon"

I used to watch Twin Peaks and Northern Exposure on television and feel so homesick I thought I would die, so it was the right move.

Recently, we changed our whole life when I decided to give this writing thing a real shot. We sold our home and downsized considerably so I could stay home and raise the girls and write. It has been a leap of faith every step of the way.

Just because there's tons of these pictures floating around the internet.

b.  Were you running from the mob?

Leaving L.A. felt like running from the mob. I felt like I might not make it, literally, out of there alive if I stayed one more minute.

5.  I’m sure that the book was initially aimed at a female audience – but have you heard from a lot of men who read it?  What do male readers say about the book?

I’m surprised and pleased by how many men have read it and liked it. I received a fan letter from a 50-year-old male cop saying that he loved it and couldn’t wait for my next book. That was pretty awesome. I think it’s the mobster thing that gets them. Or maybe the sexy parts?  Never mind. I shouldn’t have mentioned that. I’m blushing now.

I can definitely see this guy reading Riversong.

Yeah, I can kinda see Sawyer reading Riversong too.

Holy Shit! Really?

6.  You’re a pretty busy lady – you’re a full-time writer, a wife, a mother to two girls & Patches, you blog obsessively, take Zumba class, school functions, drinking boxed wine with Ksears — How do you balance and stay focused?

I wouldn’t say I’m well balanced. I work too much and don’t spend enough time just hanging out. I’m either writing, doing mommy and doggie and husband duties, exercising, or sleeping.

Do I really need to caption this?

I’m a little obsessive about my work right now – probably because I feel like I still have so much to learn, and want more than anything to be good at this vocation I’ve chosen. I hope, as I gain skill and confidence that I’ll be able to chill out a little. 

7.  You left the Pacific NW and went to Los Angeles – then returned, to a place relatively close to home and familiar surroundings.  Having lived in LA myself, do you think that you moving back ‘home’ allowed you the focus you needed to be a writer?

If I hadn’t moved back home to the northwest, I cannot imagine that I would be an artist, let alone just a normal, grounded person.

"Some call it soul-sucking, the medical term is actually lipo-suction."

There was a soul-sucking component in Los Angeles (for me anyway) that was like a character or element in Billy Purgatory – somewhere between an emotionally unavailable vampire, Medusa and the Time Zombie.

The Coen Brothers are intrigued about your life, Tess. Keep going...

b.  I know having pulled a similar move, my writing output away from LA distractions has increased by 10X.  You too?

I am absolutely inspired by the beauty of where I live. Also, the people here are real and down to earth. I hate bullshit and the whole ‘image’ thing and was slowly being suffocated from who I really am every minute I lived there. I would not be a writer if I’d stayed – I don’t think. Although, maybe all that angst I left there would have made me a better writer. Or a different type of writer. I don’t know.

If you Google 'Oregon, not the game where you die of dysentery"

What was I talking about?

8.  What are you working on now?

I’m working on what I hope will be a final draft on my second novel, “Duet For Three Hands”. It’s historical fiction set in Georgia and Alabama between 1915 and 1934, told from six different viewpoints – a departure from Riversong in that it’s much more complex and ambitious. I also have a first draft of my third novel, called “Pea Soup” about an illegal adoption ring combined with a pregnancy pact amongst high school girls and a former actress who goes undercover to expose the entire operation.

According to MTV market research, not everybody just wants to read about teenage pregnancy rings...

9.  Riversong hit #1 on the Barnes & Noble Nook charts – like above The Help and whatever trash Dr. Phil had out at the time.  What was running through your mind when you heard and then logged in to see your book at #1?

Honestly, it didn’t seem real. I kept looking at BN.com’s site over and over to make sure it was truly there. And then, for it to last the whole week – that was just a gift I never expected. I’ll never forget the moment, because it was a long journey from deciding to take myself seriously as a writer to seeing it there. Of course, now I’m obsessed with why I’m not higher on the Amazon list. We writers are crazy this way. Or maybe that’s just me?

KSears is just out of frame stage left, according to MTV market research not everybody just wants to read about boxed-wine...

b.  Did you feel vindicated?  Come on, what was the bitch’s name who used to turn her nose up at you being a writer that you then got to rub her face in it?

I never had anyone turn up their nose to my face – it was more the silent, patronizing looks at dinner parties when I first started telling people I was writing. I know no one thought I could actually pull it off, so to see my book there, it felt pretty good.

Also, there was a professor at acting school when I was at USC that told me I’d never play anything but maids because of my low-pitched speaking voice and the fact that I’m not a long-legged, lean beauty. So now I feature vile women in my books based on her. So that feels good.

Playing a maid worked out for this chick. Tess hates ladders, though.

10.  Virtually cast a Riversong movie for us.

Lee: Nicole Kidman

But like, which Nicole-Kidman-Hairstyle, Tess?

Tommy: Benjamin Bratt

Linus: Allan Cumming

Mike: An acting teacher I had at USC named Jim Wilson. No one but Sears will get that.

Didn't I just warn her there were tons of these floating around the internet?

Cindi: Melissa McCarthy (the really funny one from Bridesmaids).

Zac: Seth Green

Billy: I have no idea. Jesse, you have to come up with this one. Someone goofy but sweet.

Uh, like this dude?

b.  What if Riversong had a supernatural/horror spin on it.  What monsters would you have attack Lee and the town?

Definitely ghosts. Like old logging and pioneer types with axes in their chests or oozing yellow stuff from rattlesnake bites; kind of Children From the Corn or something, all escaping from the town cemetery.

"You wanna start a fancy restaurant, nice pregnant lady? Fancy like Sizzler?"

11.  A song by Snow Patrol gave you the idea for Riversong.  How Important is music to plotting out scenes in your head?  What do you listen to when you write?

I love music more than I could possibly describe. I especially love what I call Americana music, which consists of folk, old country, southern rock-n-roll and sad girl singers like Patti Griffin, for example.

You can Google 'Snow Patrol' all day and never find a picture this awesomelishiously badass!

However, I do not write to music, because I find the poetry of it distracting – I don’t want other artist’s words in my head when I’m trying to come up with my own. However, I use it for plotting and story, and coming up with characters – not even intentionally but just when I’m either driving in the White Whale (my minivan) or out for walks (now with Patches) or cooking. Music inspires me and sometimes will just give me an image or an idea that blossoms into something larger, like the Snow Patrol song, “Chasing Cars” did. I had this image of a woman blossoming, I think because the musicality of the song reminds me of a flower blooming, like Lee does during Riversong, and also their line,“A garden bursting into life.”

And speaking of flowers blooming and stuff…

Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays … all author $$$ donated to charities fighting breast cancer!  Buy a great read and help out people who could really use your love and support.

Click for Write for the Fight on Nook!

And, while your trigger-finger is on the book buying button…

When Lee Tucker’s husband commits suicide, he leaves her pregnant and one million dollars in debt to a loan shark. Out of options, she escapes to her deceased mother’s dilapidated house located in a small Oregon town that, like her, is financially ruined, heartbroken and in desperate need of a fresh start. Lee’s resilience leads to a plan for a destination restaurant named Riversong, to new chances for passion and love, and to danger from her dead husband’s debt as her business blooms.

Author Tess Hardwick assembles a colorful cast of endearing small-town characters and takes you on a journey that will make you believe in the possibilities of life – even in the face of overwhelming adversity and unimaginable grief. Lee Tucker is the kind of woman you find yourself rooting for long after the last page is read.

A surprising mix of romance, humor, friendship, intrigue and gourmet food – Riversong entertains while reminding you of life’s greatest gifts.

“Riversong is totally badass – Batman read it!” – Jesse James Freeman

Click to get your love/mafia on!

The Tess Hardwick’s “Riversong” / Jesse James’ “Billy Purgatory” Conspiracy!

I have gathered you all here today to talk about my new novel, the epic love story of our age, Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird. There has never been (I quizzed some chicks hanging out in the Romance section of Barnes & Noble) a tale which so richly embodies what it means to be hopelessly in love. If you’re looking for shirtless pirate dudes that look like that guy who sells that fake butter on TV, you have come to the right place.

This should be an internet rule: DO NOT Google 'shirtless pirate dudes'

Billy Purgatory is, I dare say, the new template for romantical fiction. I know tons about this subject, being in touch with my feminine side and all that nonsense, and it will be my pleasure to show you just exactly what an expert I am and prove my point.

Why is this not a relationship status choice on Facebook?

I am friends with tons of writers, but the ones who I really feel a connection with are those who are in the heart-string-pulling business. My sisters and I are in the trenches every day, sipping lattes and typing away on our laptops with the Hello Kitty stickers, trying to bring some class and culture to the general readership population of the world. It’s not only our goal, but our immense joy, to push on your little cold-dead-heart.

You tell him, sister!

That heart of yours: The very emotionally destitute organ that got all stomped on the last time you trusted someone’s profile pictures were current on Match.com.  That heart that believed the phrase, “It was just a barista, they aren’t real people.”, or, “How can I be fully invested in our relationship when my guild is taking such a beating in World of Warcraft? That just wouldn’t be fair to you.”

Love is a tough business, especially for a rainmaker. I have taken my knocks to the head from the whack-a-romance hammer. People like to categorize me and my writing into these really unfair boxes – they say I’m not in touch with my feelings and that I don’t understand what it means to share stuff, and – like – talk to other human beings about adult topics. I am here to express to you that I have feelings, and they are legitimate. I am not some reality-TV automaton attention-whore who makes it all about me. I want to share secret love poem what-have-you’s with that special someone.

Don’t try and put Baby in a corner! I will not let you box me in.  Just because I like barbecue, and motorcycle explosions, and gunfire, it doesn’t make me at all distant to your inner monologue of candy-cane hopes and dreams, or crying, or beautiful sunsets.

In life, and in literature, it’s time for love outside the box!  Okay, that just didn’t sound right…

That'll teach that dude to smack-talk Downton Abbey.

Anyway.

Nobody has taught me more about girl-type books than author Tess Hardwick.

I didn't have a Tess comic book panel to put here. I did consider Gwen Stacy, though.

She wrote a book called Riversong, and when I told her I was going to read it she said, “It’s a girl book.”  What did that mean exactly? It had girls in it? I like girls just fine. So, I read it and I figured out that what she meant was it had to do with ‘girl problems’. This was unfamiliar territory for me at first, I’d never read anything like it, aside from Wonder Woman comics – and those have an entirely different kind of girl problem – it usually involves Wonder Woman getting kidnapped and tied up. It really makes me think that actual women don’t have anything to do with the creative process of Wonder Woman.

No, Wonder Woman is not kidnapped and tied up in that barn. What is wrong with you people?

What surprised me, were all the parallels I was able to draw between Billy Purgatory and Riversong. The VP at Booktrope, Katherine Sears, explained to me that Riversong was actually something called ‘women’s contemporary fiction’. I asked her what Billy Purgatory was considered and she told me that she had to get off the phone and go to a meeting.

Suddenly, we're at Billy Purgatory and we're back to comics images. Notice the lack of tears this time.

Genre classification should not be sexist – genres should stay out of women’s utereses. So, if Tess can do it – so can I. I have pulled some excerpts from Riversong to illustrate my point. I didn’t ask permission to print any of them, but I have my lawyer on speed-dial.

Riversong is about a woman named Lee whose life becomes unhinged when she finds out that her husband took some money from the mob to start up their tech company and live their fancy life in Seattle. Billy Purgatory is about a boy whose life becomes unhinged because he talks to a giant drunken rooster in his backyard and finds out that his Pop has been lying to him about why his Mom ran off and left them. Mobsters are cool and so are giant drunken Devil Birds – so that’s EXHIBIT A.

Where did all the hot chicks in love go? Why is Quincy M.E. there?

In Riversong, Lee is forced to go on the classic Campbell Hero’s Adventure of self-discovery and learn about herself. In Billy Purgatory, said protagonist is also forced to go on a quest and kinda learns nothing about himself. This does not negate EXHIBIT B in any way, because while Billy remains partially confused throughout the entirety of the book, he loves barbecue potato chips and Tess’s Lee Tucker starts a restuarant in her home town. I feel we’re both going with the tried and true Rachael Ray trope of homestyle comforts in the midst of epic tragedy. So, score one for me again!

Hiding behind that jar of Prego is a love beast ready to be unchained.

Lee meets this guy who’s a Fireman/Musician (I know, it writes itself) and falls madly in love – yet, she’s cautious and gunshy because she’s been hurt before and isn’t sure who she is, or, even worse, who to trust.  Allow me to examplificate using Tess Hardwick’s own words:

He smiled but there was something in his eyes and how he wanted to kiss him then, to feel his body next to her. He pulled the ponytail holder from her hair, and she felt him breathe her in and out, the scent of his breath chocolate.
“Does your hair smell like strawberries because of it’s color?”

-Riversong

Billy Purgatory meets Anastasia, who is a vampire/sociopath that repeatedly tries, at best, to bite him, and at worst, to kill him. Billy isn’t sure if he should trust her either, because, although she’s really hot, she might not be the best choice for a compassionate and fullfilling relationship:

Long black hair swayed about her back to his approach. She moved in this really great way, like the top part of her body wasn’t attached to the lower. She was the Goth-kid at belly dancing class,and as her hair swung from one side to another, Billy got the flash of gold hoop earrings, which might have been the most out of place fashion enhancement he had ever seen a cold-blooded killer wear.

She downed the beer and threw the now empty bottle at the barred doors of the Tiki bar. A shriek left her lips and mated with the breaking glass to form one continuous frightful war cry.  Grown men screamed in terror from the other side of the barred door. Anastasia was having a good time, and she laughed at their fright.

She looked good. Billy knew he really shouldn’t be staring at her ass. He was rubbing his neck as he watched her, he realized that he
had stopped and his full attention was on her. Billy pulled it together and jerked his hand from his neck like he’d just touched a hot stove.
This action came fast enough so it ended before she looked back and saw him. Ana had been just about to swing the crowbar at the doors of the bar.
“Billy Purgatory.” Her face lit up even more. “Want a beer?

-Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird
EXHIBIT C: emotionally-unavailable ties it all together.

Anastasia: doesn't bring milk-shakes to the yard

And meanwhile, in Riversong, to further complicate her love life, Lee just happens to be pregnant with her dead ex-husband’s baby (I know where you think I’m going with this – it’s not zombies this time). Billy Purgatory, while not pregnant, has to be born – and this happens in a nifty little flashback I came up with because I watched too much LOST.

Please, grab your Jiffy-Pop and compare and contrast with me:

The doctor, hair disheveled, was between Lee’s legs. “Just one more push and we’ve got a baby.”
Lee flopped back onto the hospital bed, looking first at Tommy and then Ellen. She’d pushed for two hours and she was beyond fatigue, almost delirious. “I can’t do it. I’m too tired.”
Tommy’s voice was in her ear. “Just one more push and you get to see the baby.”

-Riversong

VS…

“What’s all the commotion?” asked the Doctor. He checked his arm and realized he’d forgotten to put on his wristwatch.
“End times, Doctor!” Humphrey screamed and sounded like
one of his little sisters when he used to scare them on Halloween.
Karma had never met the big teddy-bear of a man in any situation where it was rooting for Humphrey. “Dead moved out of the graveyard.”
Emelia drew the sword as the doctor readjusted his ass on the stool. Doc Mitchum didn’t seem at all fazed by the prospect of the end of days, or didn’t hear, or was too pre-occupied by the idea of having a sandwich if this baby could ever be squirmed out.
“One more big push. Really try this time. I know it’s hard for your generation to get excited about anything without rock music blaring.”
The doctor watched little Billy Purgatory making his entrance into the world: mother and son were really trying, as if they were as anxious as the Doc to move on to the next act.
“Come on out, bucket-head,” Doc Mitchum coaxed in his googoo voice. “You got a worthless hippie’s life to lead.

-Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird

In conclusion, what have we learned (beyond the fact that I’m a romance/girl-book genius!)?

A)  Finally giving yourself completely over to love and staring into the eyes of the fireman/musician that you’ve come to care for deeply while working through the pain, and magic, of childbirth – comforted in it all by the realization that you have finally completed your quest to build the perfect life for yourself and those you love.  That is love right there. That is high romance!

Alright Ladies, you read the whole post almost so I Google'd 'Fireman Musician' for ya. You're welcome.

B)  Unsheathing your stolen, dark magically enhanced, +5 sword of undead slaying while giving birth to the skateboarder who is probably (not) going to save the planet from the forces of evil – EXHIBIT D: it just don’t get any more women’s contemporary fiction than that.

Read an amazing book of essays and help in the fight against breast cancer!

Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays  (all author proceeds for this book donated to the fight!)  Tess Hardwick & Tracey Hansen along with 11 other writers…

Click on the picture to be magically transported to B&N and help in the fight!

Riversong by Tess Hardwick:  When Lee Tucker’s husband commits suicide, he leaves her pregnant and one million dollars in debt to a loan shark. Out of options, she escapes to her deceased mother’s dilapidated house located in a small Oregon town that, like her, is financially ruined, heartbroken and in desperate need of a fresh start. Lee’s resilience leads to a plan for a destination restaurant named Riversong, to new chances for passion and love, and to danger from her dead husband’s debt as her business blooms.

Click for Riversong for Nook!

Jesse James Freeman wrote Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird.  It’s a stupid book about guy stuff that has vampires and Time Zombies and Sword Witches and skateboards in it.  The cool part about it is all the romance, mystery, and exotic intrigue involved as intelligent female characters try their best to interact with Billy and drag any emotion out of him they can get.  He, like all men, just doesn’t know how to express his feelings and is completely undeserving of their love.

Click to Billy Purgatory for Nook!