Marni Mann’s sequel “Scars From A Memoir” Alive & Kicking

No, not like this…

 

…but kinda like this:

 

…but definitely like this:

When I picked “Alive & Kicking” as the title for this post – it wasn’t so much The Breakfast Club that I was going for – although I kinda did just have a good time Google’ing pictures from the movie and trying to decide if Molly Ringwald was hotter than Ally Sheedy.

Definitely a more interesting prom date.

I really picked the phrase because to me, having been lucky enough to have already read Scars From A Memoir, that’s what the book, released today by author Marni Mann, is about. It’s about being alive and kicking. Goodness gracious me (yes, I’m suddenly your grandmother) all of the things that happen to poor Nicole in Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales. You’d think that girl wouldn’t have made it out of that book alive – but turns out she did. A good portion of the sequel deals with her putting the jig-saw puzzle that has become her psyche back together from some seriously tragic, begging Dr. Phil for some help before you end up on Nancy Grace, adventures.

Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales, the first book in the series from Booktrope.

Nicole had some awful things happen to her – but she also did a lot of awful things – and yet, I like her. Why is this and how could I (or you) find a heroin-addict turned recovering heroin-addict a sympathetic and likable character? Because at her most tragic, at her most vulnerable, at her most ‘oh yeah, society just needs to write her off and collect the insurance money’ worst – Nicole never loses her heart. She at times loses her spirit, her ambition, and her will – but she never loses that sense of commitment to herself that she’s a fighter, that she can be better, that even though she’s done wrong in the world and to others that there’s hope somewhere down there buried under years of addiction and abuse. She loses focus, and greater sense of purpose in phases of her story – but there remains a compassionate streak within her which is impossible to easily co-exist if you try and paint her with the labels most commonly attributed to addicts.

She retains a caring and nurturing nature towards others even when, and especially when, so many have done her wrong. This desire to persevere and to make things better not only for herself, but for others, can find no place to grow roots in a truly narcissistic individual. There’s no room for it within you if you’ve sold your soul and truly filled the chasm left behind full of bitterness, remorse, and anger.

Even in the full grip of the high, and the shaking-sickness which clings to Nicole like a demon-twin, she never fully allows all that is her to be fully washed away.

Ultimately, the person Nicole has hurt the most is herself – this is also the person she has the most trouble offering that compassion, forgiveness, and heart to. It’s a story of a quest to achieve bliss in the most classical settings and tones of those types of myths. Our hero has to vanquish a very unique dragon this time – and the princess in the tower is scarred, has been singed nearly beyond recognition by the fire, and is by no means pure.

That doesn’t mean she’s not worthy of redemption, nor does it mean that if she’s able to strip the horror from herself that the heart within isn’t still beating strong.

Alive & kicking.

I highly recommend these books – and if we’re talking ‘how many stars’ put as many gold ones on them as you got…

Click!

…and Click more if you haven’t yet read!

A New Englander at heart, Marni Mann, now a Floridian is inspired by the sandy beaches and hot pink sunsets of Sarasota. A writer of literary fiction, she taps a mainstream appeal and shakes worldwide taboos, taking her readers on a dark, harrowing, and gritty journey. When she’s not nose deep in her laptop, she’s scouring for chocolate, traveling, reading, or walking her four-legged children. Scars from a Memoir is her second book, a sequel to the highly regarded Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales: A Story of Addiction. You can follow Ms. Mann on her author website at marnismann.com.

No lobsters were harmed in the composing of this blog post!

Time Zombie says Click!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer.

Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.

 

 

 

Guy Davis does Billy Purgatory pin-up / Moses Jaen makes it rain!

Guy Davis is an artist and badass.  His work in the comic book world is the stuff of legends: an American comic book artist primarily known for his work on Sandman Mystery Theatre and various Hellboy-related comics. He has also done work for various White Wolf, Inc. books as well has his own series, Nevermen and The Marquis. *(wiki)

My friend Moses Jaen, an artist of equal badassary, talked Mr. Davis into doing a Billy Purgatory pin-up page which is sweeter than a Paula Deen Triple-Sugar-Buttah-Cake with a Guinness-float-BBQ-flavor-ice-cream-chaser!

You’ve seen fire, now see THE RAIN

Billy Purgatory art by Guy Davis

Guy Davis and I shared some emails, as I wanted to have his blessing to post this on my site – I can report that he is gracious, a gentleman, and a scholar – as anyone who had anything to do with the fucking B.P.R.D. would have to be!

Moses Jaen has helped me every step of the way, back when Billy Purgatory was just a crazy comic idea.  Here is the first Billy sketch Moses ever did, and a page from the comic we produced and peddled a few years back at San Diego Comic-Con.

Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five art by Moses Jaen

Page from the original Billy Purgatory comic from Blinky's Zine pencils by Moses Jaen

Thank you Guy Davis and thank you Moses Jaen for making nerd-dreams a reality!

Moses Jaen is an artist and sculptor who lives in NYC. You should check out his portfolio by clicking this ass-knocking Godzilla sculpture he did!

Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer. The book is currently a Nook First exclusive.

11 Questions of Badassary w/ Tess Hardwick

What can I say about writer Tess Hardwick that hasn’t already been said?  

I'd make a celebrity roast joke, but then I'd have to send a royalty check to Andy Dick.

She left Hollywood in the rearview so she could pursue a more fulfilling path as wife, mother, caretaker to Patches the Dog, and #1 Barnes & Noble best-selling author of Riversong.

Before we get into all this intellectual book-snobbery - honestly - how badass is Patches?!?

Tess and I did not meet on the mean streets of Los Angeles, but we both come from there kinda.  I say kinda, because we’re both from places originally that have a lot more to do with close families, big trees nestled amongst serene natural landscapes, and really good food.

In our day to day lives, Tess Hardwick and I could not be more different from one another.  She’s a married mommy. I’m a single father raising Pop Pop Zanzibar the dog (okay, that’s kinda ‘in common’).  She watches the Lifetime channel. I quit watching TV because I spend my nights down at my moonshine still guarding it against yetis.  She drives a mini-van to zumba class. I’m building a functioning jetpack out of LEGOs.  She said it best, talking about the two of us, on her blog, Inspiration For Ordinary Life, shortly after we first crossed paths on Twitter:

“Now, I don’t know him well, but my guess is he doesn’t drive a minivan.  I’m fairly certain from his tweets and his blog that he’s quite adventuress and I’d have to guess does not live in the suburbs.  He definitely does not write “feel good girl books” like me.

But strangely enough, we have a lot in common.  We’re both trying to make a living as writers.  We have highly developed senses of humor.  We have generous hearts.

We both loved the show “Twin Peaks”.  He figured out that I live near the diner featured in the show and asked if I would take a photo for him, which I did today.  His request made me think about how on the surface, our differences seem to separate us but when we take the time to look slightly deeper,  the commonalities we might share become all too obvious.”

"They got a cherry pie that'll kill ya."

Tess really did send me that picture!  So yeah, we were both writing, we both got our books out, and we’ve even contributed to a book together now.  Guess people from different locales and with different sensibilities can have things in common after all - except when it comes to yetis – neither Tess or I have anything in common with yetis.

Now, prepareth yourselves for the coming of the rain!  I didn’t cut her any slack, and now Tess Hardwick sits in the golden tilt-o-whirl of truth as we unfurl another episode of…

11 Questions of Badassary!

1. So you wrote a book called Riversong.  There’s intrigue and mobsters and Mexican food and starting restaurants and love.  Explain?

Well, I’m sure if you’ve followed my so-called career at all you will see a major theme. I love food. I love to write about food. Whenever I can I mix the two, I do.

There's a hot fireman/musician - try to keep it calm, ladies.

2. We’re both with Booktrope.  Our books both came out in 2011.  Both of our books have a birth scene in them.  Can you compare and contrast?

Let’s see. My book has a brief description of a woman feeling like she’s being torn in half during labor. Your book has a birth scene where an entire hospital staff faces monsters, goblins, witches, guns, axes. It takes an entire group of friends to save the baby. Both our scenes are horrific in their own way. Having given birth, I’m going to have to go with your description as more accurate.

The Valentines Day gift that keeps on giving - tentacles.

b.  So your birth scene is more Twilight?

Will I get in trouble if I say I’ve never read it? I only like emotionally unavailable vampires like the one in Billy Purgatory.

c.  Walton’s Mountain then?

Yes, definitely more Walton’s Mountain.

Everything I learned about drinking, I learned from these broads.

3.  You went to college in LA and used to run around with KSears.

Back in the day!

I’ve heard it told that you and I both met Shannen Doherty once or twice…

Yeah, she was in the backseat of a car sitting next to Christian Slater. I was in the front seat, a little tipsy I have to admit, and not really understanding how big they both were in those days.  I wasn’t nearly as impressed with them as they were with themselves. No wonder Hollywood didn’t want me!

"Even Martha Dumptruck is reading Riversong, Veronica."

b.  Christian Slater too?  Was Scott Bakula there?  What about Marni Mann?

Scott Bakula was not there. However, during that same time period, I worked as a waitress at a California Pizza Kitchen at the Beverly Center.  

This is what it looks like, so you can roll your eyes and go 'duh' when the Hollywood Tour Guide says, "Author Tess Hardwick used to work here."

Scott Bakula’s former college roommate was our bartender’s ex-roommate. He used to come in all the time and sit at the counter, eating, and catching up with his friend. I was a little star struck because I LOVED him and his show. Now I can’t remember the name of it. C’mon, Jesse, you know which one I mean. He jumped into other people’s bodies and time travelled. It was awesome.

She's talking about this shit.

c.  Was Marni painted green?

I can’t tell you the details because I pinkie swore with her that I wouldn’t. I’ll just say this. It was more of a pea green than an avocado green.

"Green Chicks" : Damn you, Google Image Search. Damn you.

4.  Riversong has some pretty heavy themes in it.  A good portion of the book deals with deciding what do when your life goes through an upheaval and you’re forced out of your comfort zone and have to make tough decisions about how to start over.  Was there a time in your life when you had to make similar decisions?

Gawd, only like two or three times now. The first was when I decided to give up on my acting dream and leave L.A.

It was hard to let go of this image I had of myself as an actress, having the sort of life where I was a working actress in theatre, especially.  But I was terribly unhappy there and needed to make a big change.

This is what you get when you Google "Oregon"

I used to watch Twin Peaks and Northern Exposure on television and feel so homesick I thought I would die, so it was the right move.

Recently, we changed our whole life when I decided to give this writing thing a real shot. We sold our home and downsized considerably so I could stay home and raise the girls and write. It has been a leap of faith every step of the way.

Just because there's tons of these pictures floating around the internet.

b.  Were you running from the mob?

Leaving L.A. felt like running from the mob. I felt like I might not make it, literally, out of there alive if I stayed one more minute.

5.  I’m sure that the book was initially aimed at a female audience – but have you heard from a lot of men who read it?  What do male readers say about the book?

I’m surprised and pleased by how many men have read it and liked it. I received a fan letter from a 50-year-old male cop saying that he loved it and couldn’t wait for my next book. That was pretty awesome. I think it’s the mobster thing that gets them. Or maybe the sexy parts?  Never mind. I shouldn’t have mentioned that. I’m blushing now.

I can definitely see this guy reading Riversong.

Yeah, I can kinda see Sawyer reading Riversong too.

Holy Shit! Really?

6.  You’re a pretty busy lady – you’re a full-time writer, a wife, a mother to two girls & Patches, you blog obsessively, take Zumba class, school functions, drinking boxed wine with Ksears — How do you balance and stay focused?

I wouldn’t say I’m well balanced. I work too much and don’t spend enough time just hanging out. I’m either writing, doing mommy and doggie and husband duties, exercising, or sleeping.

Do I really need to caption this?

I’m a little obsessive about my work right now – probably because I feel like I still have so much to learn, and want more than anything to be good at this vocation I’ve chosen. I hope, as I gain skill and confidence that I’ll be able to chill out a little. 

7.  You left the Pacific NW and went to Los Angeles – then returned, to a place relatively close to home and familiar surroundings.  Having lived in LA myself, do you think that you moving back ‘home’ allowed you the focus you needed to be a writer?

If I hadn’t moved back home to the northwest, I cannot imagine that I would be an artist, let alone just a normal, grounded person.

"Some call it soul-sucking, the medical term is actually lipo-suction."

There was a soul-sucking component in Los Angeles (for me anyway) that was like a character or element in Billy Purgatory – somewhere between an emotionally unavailable vampire, Medusa and the Time Zombie.

The Coen Brothers are intrigued about your life, Tess. Keep going...

b.  I know having pulled a similar move, my writing output away from LA distractions has increased by 10X.  You too?

I am absolutely inspired by the beauty of where I live. Also, the people here are real and down to earth. I hate bullshit and the whole ‘image’ thing and was slowly being suffocated from who I really am every minute I lived there. I would not be a writer if I’d stayed – I don’t think. Although, maybe all that angst I left there would have made me a better writer. Or a different type of writer. I don’t know.

If you Google 'Oregon, not the game where you die of dysentery"

What was I talking about?

8.  What are you working on now?

I’m working on what I hope will be a final draft on my second novel, “Duet For Three Hands”. It’s historical fiction set in Georgia and Alabama between 1915 and 1934, told from six different viewpoints – a departure from Riversong in that it’s much more complex and ambitious. I also have a first draft of my third novel, called “Pea Soup” about an illegal adoption ring combined with a pregnancy pact amongst high school girls and a former actress who goes undercover to expose the entire operation.

According to MTV market research, not everybody just wants to read about teenage pregnancy rings...

9.  Riversong hit #1 on the Barnes & Noble Nook charts – like above The Help and whatever trash Dr. Phil had out at the time.  What was running through your mind when you heard and then logged in to see your book at #1?

Honestly, it didn’t seem real. I kept looking at BN.com’s site over and over to make sure it was truly there. And then, for it to last the whole week – that was just a gift I never expected. I’ll never forget the moment, because it was a long journey from deciding to take myself seriously as a writer to seeing it there. Of course, now I’m obsessed with why I’m not higher on the Amazon list. We writers are crazy this way. Or maybe that’s just me?

KSears is just out of frame stage left, according to MTV market research not everybody just wants to read about boxed-wine...

b.  Did you feel vindicated?  Come on, what was the bitch’s name who used to turn her nose up at you being a writer that you then got to rub her face in it?

I never had anyone turn up their nose to my face – it was more the silent, patronizing looks at dinner parties when I first started telling people I was writing. I know no one thought I could actually pull it off, so to see my book there, it felt pretty good.

Also, there was a professor at acting school when I was at USC that told me I’d never play anything but maids because of my low-pitched speaking voice and the fact that I’m not a long-legged, lean beauty. So now I feature vile women in my books based on her. So that feels good.

Playing a maid worked out for this chick. Tess hates ladders, though.

10.  Virtually cast a Riversong movie for us.

Lee: Nicole Kidman

But like, which Nicole-Kidman-Hairstyle, Tess?

Tommy: Benjamin Bratt

Linus: Allan Cumming

Mike: An acting teacher I had at USC named Jim Wilson. No one but Sears will get that.

Didn't I just warn her there were tons of these floating around the internet?

Cindi: Melissa McCarthy (the really funny one from Bridesmaids).

Zac: Seth Green

Billy: I have no idea. Jesse, you have to come up with this one. Someone goofy but sweet.

Uh, like this dude?

b.  What if Riversong had a supernatural/horror spin on it.  What monsters would you have attack Lee and the town?

Definitely ghosts. Like old logging and pioneer types with axes in their chests or oozing yellow stuff from rattlesnake bites; kind of Children From the Corn or something, all escaping from the town cemetery.

"You wanna start a fancy restaurant, nice pregnant lady? Fancy like Sizzler?"

11.  A song by Snow Patrol gave you the idea for Riversong.  How Important is music to plotting out scenes in your head?  What do you listen to when you write?

I love music more than I could possibly describe. I especially love what I call Americana music, which consists of folk, old country, southern rock-n-roll and sad girl singers like Patti Griffin, for example.

You can Google 'Snow Patrol' all day and never find a picture this awesomelishiously badass!

However, I do not write to music, because I find the poetry of it distracting – I don’t want other artist’s words in my head when I’m trying to come up with my own. However, I use it for plotting and story, and coming up with characters – not even intentionally but just when I’m either driving in the White Whale (my minivan) or out for walks (now with Patches) or cooking. Music inspires me and sometimes will just give me an image or an idea that blossoms into something larger, like the Snow Patrol song, “Chasing Cars” did. I had this image of a woman blossoming, I think because the musicality of the song reminds me of a flower blooming, like Lee does during Riversong, and also their line,“A garden bursting into life.”

And speaking of flowers blooming and stuff…

Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays … all author $$$ donated to charities fighting breast cancer!  Buy a great read and help out people who could really use your love and support.

Click for Write for the Fight on Nook!

And, while your trigger-finger is on the book buying button

When Lee Tucker’s husband commits suicide, he leaves her pregnant and one million dollars in debt to a loan shark. Out of options, she escapes to her deceased mother’s dilapidated house located in a small Oregon town that, like her, is financially ruined, heartbroken and in desperate need of a fresh start. Lee’s resilience leads to a plan for a destination restaurant named Riversong, to new chances for passion and love, and to danger from her dead husband’s debt as her business blooms.

Author Tess Hardwick assembles a colorful cast of endearing small-town characters and takes you on a journey that will make you believe in the possibilities of life – even in the face of overwhelming adversity and unimaginable grief. Lee Tucker is the kind of woman you find yourself rooting for long after the last page is read.

A surprising mix of romance, humor, friendship, intrigue and gourmet food – Riversong entertains while reminding you of life’s greatest gifts.

“Riversong is totally badass – Batman read it!” – Jesse James Freeman

Click to get your love/mafia on!

The Tess Hardwick’s “Riversong” / Jesse James’ “Billy Purgatory” Conspiracy!

I have gathered you all here today to talk about my new novel, the epic love story of our age, Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird. There has never been (I quizzed some chicks hanging out in the Romance section of Barnes & Noble) a tale which so richly embodies what it means to be hopelessly in love. If you’re looking for shirtless pirate dudes that look like that guy who sells that fake butter on TV, you have come to the right place.

This should be an internet rule: DO NOT Google 'shirtless pirate dudes'

Billy Purgatory is, I dare say, the new template for romantical fiction. I know tons about this subject, being in touch with my feminine side and all that nonsense, and it will be my pleasure to show you just exactly what an expert I am and prove my point.

Why is this not a relationship status choice on Facebook?

I am friends with tons of writers, but the ones who I really feel a connection with are those who are in the heart-string-pulling business. My sisters and I are in the trenches every day, sipping lattes and typing away on our laptops with the Hello Kitty stickers, trying to bring some class and culture to the general readership population of the world. It’s not only our goal, but our immense joy, to push on your little cold-dead-heart.

You tell him, sister!

That heart of yours: The very emotionally destitute organ that got all stomped on the last time you trusted someone’s profile pictures were current on Match.com.  That heart that believed the phrase, “It was just a barista, they aren’t real people.”, or, “How can I be fully invested in our relationship when my guild is taking such a beating in World of Warcraft? That just wouldn’t be fair to you.”

Love is a tough business, especially for a rainmaker. I have taken my knocks to the head from the whack-a-romance hammer. People like to categorize me and my writing into these really unfair boxes – they say I’m not in touch with my feelings and that I don’t understand what it means to share stuff, and – like – talk to other human beings about adult topics. I am here to express to you that I have feelings, and they are legitimate. I am not some reality-TV automaton attention-whore who makes it all about me. I want to share secret love poem what-have-you’s with that special someone.

Don’t try and put Baby in a corner! I will not let you box me in.  Just because I like barbecue, and motorcycle explosions, and gunfire, it doesn’t make me at all distant to your inner monologue of candy-cane hopes and dreams, or crying, or beautiful sunsets.

In life, and in literature, it’s time for love outside the box!  Okay, that just didn’t sound right…

That'll teach that dude to smack-talk Downton Abbey.

Anyway.

Nobody has taught me more about girl-type books than author Tess Hardwick.

I didn't have a Tess comic book panel to put here. I did consider Gwen Stacy, though.

She wrote a book called Riversong, and when I told her I was going to read it she said, “It’s a girl book.”  What did that mean exactly? It had girls in it? I like girls just fine. So, I read it and I figured out that what she meant was it had to do with ‘girl problems’. This was unfamiliar territory for me at first, I’d never read anything like it, aside from Wonder Woman comics – and those have an entirely different kind of girl problem – it usually involves Wonder Woman getting kidnapped and tied up. It really makes me think that actual women don’t have anything to do with the creative process of Wonder Woman.

No, Wonder Woman is not kidnapped and tied up in that barn. What is wrong with you people?

What surprised me, were all the parallels I was able to draw between Billy Purgatory and Riversong. The VP at Booktrope, Katherine Sears, explained to me that Riversong was actually something called ‘women’s contemporary fiction’. I asked her what Billy Purgatory was considered and she told me that she had to get off the phone and go to a meeting.

Suddenly, we're at Billy Purgatory and we're back to comics images. Notice the lack of tears this time.

Genre classification should not be sexist – genres should stay out of women’s utereses. So, if Tess can do it – so can I. I have pulled some excerpts from Riversong to illustrate my point. I didn’t ask permission to print any of them, but I have my lawyer on speed-dial.

Riversong is about a woman named Lee whose life becomes unhinged when she finds out that her husband took some money from the mob to start up their tech company and live their fancy life in Seattle. Billy Purgatory is about a boy whose life becomes unhinged because he talks to a giant drunken rooster in his backyard and finds out that his Pop has been lying to him about why his Mom ran off and left them. Mobsters are cool and so are giant drunken Devil Birds – so that’s EXHIBIT A.

Where did all the hot chicks in love go? Why is Quincy M.E. there?

In Riversong, Lee is forced to go on the classic Campbell Hero’s Adventure of self-discovery and learn about herself. In Billy Purgatory, said protagonist is also forced to go on a quest and kinda learns nothing about himself. This does not negate EXHIBIT B in any way, because while Billy remains partially confused throughout the entirety of the book, he loves barbecue potato chips and Tess’s Lee Tucker starts a restuarant in her home town. I feel we’re both going with the tried and true Rachael Ray trope of homestyle comforts in the midst of epic tragedy. So, score one for me again!

Hiding behind that jar of Prego is a love beast ready to be unchained.

Lee meets this guy who’s a Fireman/Musician (I know, it writes itself) and falls madly in love – yet, she’s cautious and gunshy because she’s been hurt before and isn’t sure who she is, or, even worse, who to trust.  Allow me to examplificate using Tess Hardwick’s own words:

He smiled but there was something in his eyes and how he wanted to kiss him then, to feel his body next to her. He pulled the ponytail holder from her hair, and she felt him breathe her in and out, the scent of his breath chocolate.
“Does your hair smell like strawberries because of it’s color?”

-Riversong

Billy Purgatory meets Anastasia, who is a vampire/sociopath that repeatedly tries, at best, to bite him, and at worst, to kill him. Billy isn’t sure if he should trust her either, because, although she’s really hot, she might not be the best choice for a compassionate and fullfilling relationship:

Long black hair swayed about her back to his approach. She moved in this really great way, like the top part of her body wasn’t attached to the lower. She was the Goth-kid at belly dancing class,and as her hair swung from one side to another, Billy got the flash of gold hoop earrings, which might have been the most out of place fashion enhancement he had ever seen a cold-blooded killer wear.

She downed the beer and threw the now empty bottle at the barred doors of the Tiki bar. A shriek left her lips and mated with the breaking glass to form one continuous frightful war cry.  Grown men screamed in terror from the other side of the barred door. Anastasia was having a good time, and she laughed at their fright.

She looked good. Billy knew he really shouldn’t be staring at her ass. He was rubbing his neck as he watched her, he realized that he
had stopped and his full attention was on her. Billy pulled it together and jerked his hand from his neck like he’d just touched a hot stove.
This action came fast enough so it ended before she looked back and saw him. Ana had been just about to swing the crowbar at the doors of the bar.
“Billy Purgatory.” Her face lit up even more. “Want a beer?

-Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird
EXHIBIT C: emotionally-unavailable ties it all together.

Anastasia: doesn't bring milk-shakes to the yard

And meanwhile, in Riversong, to further complicate her love life, Lee just happens to be pregnant with her dead ex-husband’s baby (I know where you think I’m going with this – it’s not zombies this time). Billy Purgatory, while not pregnant, has to be born – and this happens in a nifty little flashback I came up with because I watched too much LOST.

Please, grab your Jiffy-Pop and compare and contrast with me:

The doctor, hair disheveled, was between Lee’s legs. “Just one more push and we’ve got a baby.”
Lee flopped back onto the hospital bed, looking first at Tommy and then Ellen. She’d pushed for two hours and she was beyond fatigue, almost delirious. “I can’t do it. I’m too tired.”
Tommy’s voice was in her ear. “Just one more push and you get to see the baby.”

-Riversong

VS…

“What’s all the commotion?” asked the Doctor. He checked his arm and realized he’d forgotten to put on his wristwatch.
“End times, Doctor!” Humphrey screamed and sounded like
one of his little sisters when he used to scare them on Halloween.
Karma had never met the big teddy-bear of a man in any situation where it was rooting for Humphrey. “Dead moved out of the graveyard.”
Emelia drew the sword as the doctor readjusted his ass on the stool. Doc Mitchum didn’t seem at all fazed by the prospect of the end of days, or didn’t hear, or was too pre-occupied by the idea of having a sandwich if this baby could ever be squirmed out.
“One more big push. Really try this time. I know it’s hard for your generation to get excited about anything without rock music blaring.”
The doctor watched little Billy Purgatory making his entrance into the world: mother and son were really trying, as if they were as anxious as the Doc to move on to the next act.
“Come on out, bucket-head,” Doc Mitchum coaxed in his googoo voice. “You got a worthless hippie’s life to lead.

-Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird

In conclusion, what have we learned (beyond the fact that I’m a romance/girl-book genius!)?

A)  Finally giving yourself completely over to love and staring into the eyes of the fireman/musician that you’ve come to care for deeply while working through the pain, and magic, of childbirth – comforted in it all by the realization that you have finally completed your quest to build the perfect life for yourself and those you love.  That is love right there. That is high romance!

Alright Ladies, you read the whole post almost so I Google'd 'Fireman Musician' for ya. You're welcome.

B)  Unsheathing your stolen, dark magically enhanced, +5 sword of undead slaying while giving birth to the skateboarder who is probably (not) going to save the planet from the forces of evil – EXHIBIT D: it just don’t get any more women’s contemporary fiction than that.

Read an amazing book of essays and help in the fight against breast cancer!

Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays  (all author proceeds for this book donated to the fight!)  Tess Hardwick & Tracey Hansen along with 11 other writers…

Click on the picture to be magically transported to B&N and help in the fight!

Riversong by Tess Hardwick:  When Lee Tucker’s husband commits suicide, he leaves her pregnant and one million dollars in debt to a loan shark. Out of options, she escapes to her deceased mother’s dilapidated house located in a small Oregon town that, like her, is financially ruined, heartbroken and in desperate need of a fresh start. Lee’s resilience leads to a plan for a destination restaurant named Riversong, to new chances for passion and love, and to danger from her dead husband’s debt as her business blooms.

Click for Riversong for Nook!

Jesse James Freeman wrote Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird.  It’s a stupid book about guy stuff that has vampires and Time Zombies and Sword Witches and skateboards in it.  The cool part about it is all the romance, mystery, and exotic intrigue involved as intelligent female characters try their best to interact with Billy and drag any emotion out of him they can get.  He, like all men, just doesn’t know how to express his feelings and is completely undeserving of their love.

Click to Billy Purgatory for Nook!

11 Questions of Badassary w/ Tracey Hansen

Tracey Hansen is a writer and the co-author of Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays (all author proceeds donated to fight breast cancer).  She runs writing contests and comments about the bizarre nature of human existence at her blog, Tracey’s Tavern.  She is also a fixture at her local Costco and has been banned from 47 bars up and down the Florida coast.  She agreed to this interview because I do a really good Anderson Cooper impersonation over the phone.

1.
So, you’re a drinker?

Only when I’m drunk. But that’s not often, just between 5pm and pass out Monday through Sunday. What you don’t have ‘pass out’ time at your house?

Wait… I meant to type ‘writer’ – but the drinking answer was good. I guess change gears and go on about the writing part now.

Oh, yeah. Sometimes I do that too. Sometimes I combine my two loves and drink while writing, I mean write while drinking. I have a sarcastic little blog where I get to curse and scare my future mother in law and I have two books coming out this year though Booktrope Publishing…suckers.

2.
While we’re getting the author-bullshit out of the way, please expound on your many upcoming writing-type projects.

Even though I am a sarcastic sum-umma-bitch I actually have a very small serious side. I wrote a book with my friend who found out while she was pregnant that her unborn daughter would be born with both down syndrome and a major heart defect. It’s called NOT A PERFECT MOM. The book is about her agony of making the decision to keep her child. It warms my cold black heart every time I think about it. A portion of the proceeds will go towards helping American families adopt children with special needs from overseas. The other book is called Write For The Fight. The amazing author Tess Hardwick and I put it together from a blog post idea she had, it’s called Write For the Fight. We chose 11 other authors to compose essays about the stages of life. All the proceeds from the sale will go towards a foundation assisting in finding a cure for breast cancer. There I go being all helpful again. Okay okay here is my reputation saving one: IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY is a book I am working on based on my blog. I guarantee lots of swearing and political incorrectness. I envision the cover being me duct taped to my computer chair reaching for my lap top, otherwise known as my typical Tuesday afternoon.

3.
You’re a fan of contests and short fiction guest-posts on your blog. You’ve been doing a contest every Wednesday for about as long as I’ve known ya. What attracts you to these word challenges?

Wow, I actually stumbled upon a 100 word story contest on twitter a long time ago. A big time lit agent was putting it on. I didn’t win but she told me I was really funny. I think it started from there. I’ve always been good at shorter stories. My senior year english teacher would always tell me to remove all words that don’t contribute to a story so I find that it’s in my nature to keep it short and simple. This is a struggle when I’m set to write a novel and I’m done in three paragraphs, but I’m working on it.

In keeping with the telling a story in a few words theme, you and I are the co-creators of the #tequilaANDcostco hashtag on Twitter. Aside from that, what are some of your favorite tags?

Dougie Barnes is responsible for pushing all the carts, empty now of the weight of tequila, back from Tracey Hansen's car.

Jesse, it’s hard to top #tequilaANDcostco but here are some others I enjoy:

#NickandJessicashouldstillbetogether (referring to Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson naturally)
#SOAFX (sons of anarchy on FX, if you don’t know about it you should!)I’m hoping Charlie Hunnam notices so we can live happily ever after
#GoFYM (I’m not gonna go there)
#HumpDayChallenge (my contest on Wednesdays)
#Write4Fight (book of awesomeness)
#WTYM (my sign off for all my blogs, it stands for WORD TO YOUR MOTHER) It’s how I roll

4.
Are you ready to reveal to the world the secret ingredients of your patented writer’s-cocktail?

OMG you want me to give away my secrets? Okay okay here we go. It involves the cheapest bottle of tequila you can purchase from your local bulk food shopping center and no name brand diet citrus green tea. It comes out to about 13 cents a drink. There now you know all my secrets!!!

Have you ever considered a Food Network show which is nothing but cocktail recipes derived from hashtags?

I would love to host it but I think you are supposed to be sober to be on tv. #dontqualify

We drink a lot, huh?

Nah, others don’t drink enough. See how I did that? It’s called LOWERING THE BAR.

5.
Rumor has it that you live on a vast orange-grove farm in Florida worked by robots. Truth?

Yes, very true, except it’s not an orange grove, it’s a rocky mountain oyster farm. But the robot thing is legit.

How many dogs on this farm?

Three. Two pitbull like dogs and one ultra teacup chihuahua because I like to keep life interesting.

"When she passes out we can get back to work on our novel."

6.
How many years have you been writing?

Forever, but I’ve only been pursuing it as a career for the last couple of years.

Do you remember the first thing you wrote where you said – “Fuck, I’m a real writer!”?

Sometimes I think it’s an article I wrote or the moment when someone told me I had actual talent. Other times I think it’s when I woke up with a pounding head drooling on my keyboard with 100 pages written.

7.
You travel extensively – are these pleasure trips or are you still working for the KGB?

KGB just an’t what it used to be so it’s mostly for pleasure. I LOVE traveling. I make sure to go somewhere at least every couple of months. Whether it’s driving a few hours to disney or a short cruise or a weekend in NYC I am always planning something.

Three days later, Tracey Hansen would be the last writer standing.

Does all this travel help you in researching the world and its people for your stories?

Oh yes. I see a character and story in every trip. I see my next hero or heroin walking next to me on the street or sipping wine in the bar. It’s pretty amazing. Stalker-ish, but amazing.

How does drinking around the country compare? Everyone holding their liquor alright?

I live in a city that was just classified as one of the top ten drunkest cities in america by MENS MAGAZINE so it’s hard to impress me drinking wise. By the way, I like to think I am a large contributing factor in the success of obtaining that title.

8.
Tell us about your journalism career.

OMG you are really bringing that up?

What? Don’t know what I’m talking about?

Oh shit.

Exhibit A! No counselor, YOU’RE out of order!

Journalism was my first love. It’s true. Unfortunately, the only people who wanted to hire me were stations far far away and I was too much of a pussy at the time to move away from my family. I regret it slightly, but at the same time I am happy where I am at.

9.
Is that video what got you discovered?

No, I was discovered at Oktoberfest after an 85 year old woman wearing lederhosen beat me out of a beer pitcher drinking contest. My potential as a drinker, I mean writer, was apparent.

Tell us how you talked publishers into printing the gospel which is Tracey Hansen’s writing-topia!

Wow, well after you slip them a few rufies the world is your oyster. No no, Tess Hardwick, the amazing author of RIVERSONG, saw talent in my writing that I don’t think I saw at the time, and kind of put everything together for me. I really didn’t do much except die of shock when they said they wanted to publish my work. I’m still shocked.

Tracey Hansen and that girl from The Hunger Games.

10.
Can you define your work within a particular genre?

Is sarcasm a genre? I really can’t because the two books I’ve written aren’t my personal style, although they are awesome. I write quirky shit. Is quirky shit a genre?

You’re very quick-witted online, does comedy always play into your writing to some extent?

Yes it does. I thought for a long time that my sister was the only one who thought I was funny, then I learned that this wan’t the case…my dad also thinks I’m funny. Boo-ya.

What’s a genre you’ve never tackled that interests you?

Science fiction for sure. I have a great alien/God tie in story that eats at me all the time, but I’m afraid I won’t do the vision justice.

11.
Who do you read?

This question is very red carpet. Who are you wearing? lol Everyone. I read the tween shit to books like Middlesex by Jeffery Euginides. It depends on my mood. I also totally dig historical romances. I love reading about how the strong muscular man removed his cravat. I don’t even know what a cravat is, but it’s hot.

Are you an obsessive reader – or do you feel more like you’ve got so many stories to unleash upon the world that you should be writing instead?

Tough question. I go through stages where I read three books a week, to points in time where I read one book every six months. My kindle has over 20 books right now that I want to read so bad, but haven’t had the time. I will get to them though! Also, ever tried to read hammered? The words jump around on the page and it’s very hard to catch those little fuckers and put them in their place, even if you keep one eye shut and squint the other.

Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays is a Nook First exclusive and by reading this fantastic book you do something good to help in the fight against breast cancer!

Tess Hardwick & Tracey Hansen along with 11 other writers! All author proceeds donated to breast cancer charities.

Write For The Fight! (because it ain’t gonna write itself…

Writing can be a chore.  I know we’re not supposed to say that, but it’s true.  Writing isn’t the screw-around time that people who don’t write sometimes think it is.  I have a job (unfortunately) and lately I’ve been all excited when it was time to go to work for ‘The Man’, because I could finally get some rest from all the book pimpin’ & marketing & sequel writing (yeah, I started already before the first one came out) that I’ve been doing for a little book you might have heard me mention called Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird (yes, that was a shameless plug, it’s my blog and I don’t write these for my health either).

Even butterflies trash-talk me lately.

I typed so much yesterday that my fingers started to hurt (but I have a bottle of black-market muscle relaxers and whiskey).  I did 9000 words in one sitting, and I’m not gonna lie to ya, they were pretty damn good words and I bet I’ll be keeping most of them around to squeeze into Billy2.  The effort I expended in doing all that was way more intense than anything that ever happens at my ‘real job’.  While I’m typing I have to stop periodically and check sales numbers on the book, figure out which #hashtags are gonna get it noticed, answer interview questions and come up with blog posts.  I’m not complaining, being a writer is super-cool too – it’s a lot of work though.

"Nobody seems to be reading my #Tweets!"

And even though I love, love, love nerdy story stuff like I write, the hero’s adventure, and I have a picture of Joseph Campbell framed and hanging over my bed (that’s creepy, huh?), I don’t think that most of what I write is really gonna change the world in any lasting way.  I had a friend of mine in film school who used to always ask me, “What do you want to say with your art?”  I used to hate that question – and I still kinda do.  I don’t think I want to say anything with my “art”.  What I want to do is to maybe bring some joy to someone who needs a little escapism and likes to read about skateboards and monsters and emotionally-unavailable vampire girlfriends.  I want to write down the best possible story that I can compose in my rattled and confused mind and hopefully someone will read it.  Maybe they’ll like it and it’ll make them laugh, and root for the hero, maybe freak them out a little bit, and make them think.

Sometimes, you know, you wonder if it’s all worth it?

"I should'a just stayed at the zoo."

Tess Hardwick and Tracey Hansen had this idea for a book and they talked our publisher, Booktrope, into going for it.  I was quickly kidnapped by them (y’all know it’s kinda true) to participate in the project.  It’s called Write For The Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, and it’s the culmination of lots of time, energy, and compassionate love by a lot of really special people.  None of us did this for any greenbacks, we’re giving it all away to do what we can to aid charities who are engaged in the fight against breast cancer.

Tess's mom painted the cover!

Write For The Fight is a Nook First exclusive and I’d like to thank Barnes & Noble for taking on the book and promoting it in this program.  I’d like to thank you in advance for telling your friends and other readers about this project – because the better the book does, the more we’ll be able to give.

The essays follow the different season of life, and they weren’t easy to write.  I found it to be a big challenge and that I had to push myself to get them done.  I feel like I grew some as a writer by taking this on and taking myself out of my comfort zone (there are no giant-killer robots in the book, so you can imagine how lost I was).  In my discussions with other writers who were working on the project along with me, they weren’t easy for anybody – and we all had to take a few extra steps, and be better writers, and it turned into real, honest, hard work.

I’m glad I broke a sweat on this one.

If you’d like to help us promote on Twitter the hashtag is #write4fight

To purchase so you can read awesome essay stuff and help with the fight against Breast Cancer…

Click to go to B&N!

Here is the official back copy:
Authors Tess Hardwick and Tracey Hansen, inspired by the myriad voices in the world, compile a melting pot of life paths from over a dozen unique individuals, each exploring the four timeless questions we’ve all pondered:

  • What do you miss about being 5 years old?
  • What would you tell your 20-year-old self?
  • What, at this point in your life, do you want, wish and dream of for your life going forward?
  • What would you want said about you on your 80th birthday?

These experiences make us who we are, defining our personalities, perspectives and dreams as we move through the seasons of life – from memories at age 5 to the person we hope to be described as on our 80th birthday. 

From the thoughtful to the blunt, experienced to the young – WRITE FOR THE FIGHT is a humorous and emotional journey that will take you back to the best of times and get you energized for the future. 

All writer royalties will be donated to charities benefiting the fight against breast cancer.