Friends (and the nine other people who read this blog), my adventures across the galaxy with the would-be invading Mozrian Saucer Attack Armada have ended. I have been returned to you after achieving enlightenment (not so much in the wearing robes all day and chanting/eating rice sense, but more like the wow I can’t believe I drank that much and hangovers are so much worse in zero-G sense).
Japanese Zen master Sesso warned, “There is little to choose between a man lying in the ditch heavily drunk on rice liquor, and a man heavily drunk on his own ‘enlightenment’!”
The Saucer-People were forced to bring me back, even though there were many badass things I had yet to teach their space-culture, due to an unfortunate incident on Venus (or as they call it, Las Venus) involving an alien showgirl (before you ask, she did kinda look like Gina Gershon) and the Earth/Solar System at Large Annulment Treaty (which was enacted in secret during the Clinton administration).
The one on the left ('cause I've never been THAT drunk)
So, I’m technically banned from space and have to wear an ankle-monitor which starts blinking like a Mean Girl at the cocaine-jewelry store if I happen to get too high (no, not that kind of high – like on a rocket ship high). I’m shrugging off the bad stuff and rolling with the punches, because I guess it was time to return to good old planet Earth. Especially with the vast knowledge of the greater-universe and the nature of philosophy-bullshit and etc that I have now. I’m pretty sure I was sent back to change the world, kind of like when all those rock stars get together and sing when a kid falls down a well.
I don’t want to hit you with all this knowledge all in one blog post. I feel it’s a lot more fair to the people of our planet if I take time to collect all of my thoughts and arrange them into a 27 volume audio cassette collection, that way your brain won’t explode like Scanners and you can listen and learn at your leisure – or however fast you wanna set up the installment plan to send more tapes via your credit card (except you people with Diners – you know, join us in the 90′s why don’t'cha).
So, listen to me if you want to – and I’ll try my best to explain to you alien stuff. Oh, and listen to Charlize Theron too, I don’t know why she’s important, but she is. The aliens refer to her as the High Laser Priestess – they might also be really confused from watching Aeon Flux on a loop (because, it happened to me – but there’s no need to go into my rehab at that place in Malibu story again).
Google needs to up the search potential for 2 Days in the Valley
The saucer’s dropped me off in Orlando, Florida – which is a collection of strip malls and suburban homes all ruled by Mickey Mouse – I felt it was a good and accurate sampling of Americana. While I was there, I took a walk around Disney World to collect my thoughts (and to drink, because that’s how we roll in Epcot):
First I drank in Germany...
...then I had pizza in Italy.
I went Yeti Hunting!
(I'm totally working my vacation photos into this blog post - pretend you don't notice) I don't know what that thing is across the lake, but it's shiny and that's pretty badass.
My doctor told me to add more fruit into my diet - so I drank mojitos.
Then I called Amy Pond...
... ! ...
...then Amy Pond and I had beers. She talked about how cool it was to be famous and I was like, "Yeah, I know."
Then we captured rhinos together!
After a plane ride (ironically, I sat next to an astronaut on the flight – I’m not making that up), I again found myself on my secure forest moon of Endor compound, and as soon as I finish typing this blog post and tagging it with stuff like Charlize Theron is a Laser Princess and Gina Gershon in Viva Las Venus, I will again be hard at work on the sequel to Billy Purgatory (Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, etc etc).
"You are under contract for a sequel + mama needs her cupcakes!"
Speaking of Billy Purgatory, I have noticed that it has been FREE the entire time that I was kidnapped by alien saucer girls – I can only assume that my publisher did this because they felt that I was probably dead/never coming back/in space prison and they wanted to honor my memory. Even though I have lost millions thousands some dollars because of this – I have decided to let the book remain FREE while I finish up the sequel this week.
I urge you to check it out – again, it’s fucking FREE and if you don’t get a copy, and tell your friends to get a copy, and take your grandma’s Kindle from her and download a copy onto it for her (just tell her you’re gonna hook her up and “stop the clock from flashing” – that ALWAYS works) you’ll be letting the space-aliens win!
Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy Purgatory dares you to join him.
FREE Kindle, Click and make it rain!
Check out Joe Vampire on Kindle! It's badassary approved.
Sequel!
