Countdown to Halloween & Billy Purgatory 2!

Fall is uponeth you! (unless you live in maybe New Zealand or Antarctica because I’m not really sure how science works and it might not be the same there because they’re upside down).

Science. Respect, bitches!

As many of you probably don’t know because how could you because I haven’t told anyone and it’s not like I ever Tweet or anything,

“Jesse James Freeman is an extraordinarily gifted writer and storyteller. You might think urban fantasy isn’t your thing-I might have before I read ‘Billy Purgatory.’ Freeman is smart, keenly observant, and has this uncommon combination of being sardonic and wistful at the same time. He humanizes his characters–even the villains–all in a commanding, masterful writing style that you wear like a warm sweater on a cool night or cactus prickles in your pants.

‘Billy Purgatory’ is a shocking, rollicking, wholly satisfying read. So get out there and get your copy and read it. You’ll feel as though you’ve gone on holiday with one of the sharpest young social philosophers of our day.”

I have been furiously putting the final touches on the sequel to Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird (Book 1 in the series, if you’re into counting and the alphabet and that kinda nonsense).

This!

Wait…

No…

This:

From my Science Adviser Dr. Shay West: “But they are…aren’t they???
I’ll need to go down and observe for myself. So you buy the plane ticket and I’ll do the research.”

Writing a sequel has been a long and grueling process and it has proved to be a lot of financial responsibility on my part. My accountant keeps assuring me that we can write the tequila costs off as research but he’s not sure sure about the massages. I really feel like my writing arms have to be limber for me to achieve maximum output. This should also justify the manicure expenses and the tanning bed. I’ve also been on a strict diet of Taco Bell and Zima:

This infographic was created for purely educational purposes.

I have had the love and support of the entire Booktrope family the whole way through this exhausting process.

“Where’s my sequel? Where are my cupcakes?”

“Are you done yet?” – Tracey Hansen, Write for the Fight

“Do you still write books?” – Tess Hardwick, Riversong

“It’s just… you’ve been drinking a lot of malt-liquor and I’m really not sure if running scenes using LEGOs and not just making an outline is the most useful way to brainstorm”  - Steven Luna, Joe Vampire

“Are you snorting Carpet Fresh again?” – Marni Mann, Scars from a Memoir

They have cleared me to release the tantalizing (which is like a bedazzled-Tarantula if you really think about it) official description for Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five. Please sit down and brace yourself before reading any further. I don’t have any money and can’t be responsible if you fall down or didn’t take your Flintstones Blood-Pressure Gummisaurs yet today:

Billy Purgatory is a man plagued by questions – about his mother’s disappearance, his love-hate relationship with vampire fatale Anastasia, and why the Time Zombie keeps stealing his girlfriends. The search for answers frequently leads him into danger and the darker corners of the world, corners he would prefer not to see. 
 
In his quest for answers, Billy begins using the Zombie’s powers for his own designs, hurtling into the past in a time-bending attempt to create an ideal present. No one can predict the outcome of such a plan – especially not Billy. This time, his adventures take him high above the African plains, through the sleek, marbled halls of a mysterious mansion brimming with sinister science, and across the U.S. on a heated road trip with none other than Anastasia at his side. Vampires, demons, and an evil cabal known simply as the Satanic Five are all hot on his trail. 
 
Some answers don’t come easily…but that’s never stopped Billy Purgatory.

 

As you can see, that kinda badassary don’t grow on trees. It took Evel Knievel months to plot out that jump over Snake River Canyon, and I’m sure it involved a ton of science and hookers to get everything just right. Well, I can’t be sure about both of those components.
What I can be sure of is that it’s almost Halloween, and very soon Billy Purgatory will skate again!

Bob the Goat is counting down…

Find me (there’s Ninja-Cake):

Tumblr : Facebook : Pinterest : Amazon : Goodreads

Check out

The Chosen (Portals of Destiny) by Dr. Shay West!

Sci-Fi Fantasy Badassary. Click it!

Marni Mann’s sequel “Scars From A Memoir” Alive & Kicking

No, not like this…

 

…but kinda like this:

 

…but definitely like this:

When I picked “Alive & Kicking” as the title for this post – it wasn’t so much The Breakfast Club that I was going for – although I kinda did just have a good time Google’ing pictures from the movie and trying to decide if Molly Ringwald was hotter than Ally Sheedy.

Definitely a more interesting prom date.

I really picked the phrase because to me, having been lucky enough to have already read Scars From A Memoir, that’s what the book, released today by author Marni Mann, is about. It’s about being alive and kicking. Goodness gracious me (yes, I’m suddenly your grandmother) all of the things that happen to poor Nicole in Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales. You’d think that girl wouldn’t have made it out of that book alive – but turns out she did. A good portion of the sequel deals with her putting the jig-saw puzzle that has become her psyche back together from some seriously tragic, begging Dr. Phil for some help before you end up on Nancy Grace, adventures.

Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales, the first book in the series from Booktrope.

Nicole had some awful things happen to her – but she also did a lot of awful things – and yet, I like her. Why is this and how could I (or you) find a heroin-addict turned recovering heroin-addict a sympathetic and likable character? Because at her most tragic, at her most vulnerable, at her most ‘oh yeah, society just needs to write her off and collect the insurance money’ worst – Nicole never loses her heart. She at times loses her spirit, her ambition, and her will – but she never loses that sense of commitment to herself that she’s a fighter, that she can be better, that even though she’s done wrong in the world and to others that there’s hope somewhere down there buried under years of addiction and abuse. She loses focus, and greater sense of purpose in phases of her story – but there remains a compassionate streak within her which is impossible to easily co-exist if you try and paint her with the labels most commonly attributed to addicts.

She retains a caring and nurturing nature towards others even when, and especially when, so many have done her wrong. This desire to persevere and to make things better not only for herself, but for others, can find no place to grow roots in a truly narcissistic individual. There’s no room for it within you if you’ve sold your soul and truly filled the chasm left behind full of bitterness, remorse, and anger.

Even in the full grip of the high, and the shaking-sickness which clings to Nicole like a demon-twin, she never fully allows all that is her to be fully washed away.

Ultimately, the person Nicole has hurt the most is herself – this is also the person she has the most trouble offering that compassion, forgiveness, and heart to. It’s a story of a quest to achieve bliss in the most classical settings and tones of those types of myths. Our hero has to vanquish a very unique dragon this time – and the princess in the tower is scarred, has been singed nearly beyond recognition by the fire, and is by no means pure.

That doesn’t mean she’s not worthy of redemption, nor does it mean that if she’s able to strip the horror from herself that the heart within isn’t still beating strong.

Alive & kicking.

I highly recommend these books – and if we’re talking ‘how many stars’ put as many gold ones on them as you got…

Click!

…and Click more if you haven’t yet read!

A New Englander at heart, Marni Mann, now a Floridian is inspired by the sandy beaches and hot pink sunsets of Sarasota. A writer of literary fiction, she taps a mainstream appeal and shakes worldwide taboos, taking her readers on a dark, harrowing, and gritty journey. When she’s not nose deep in her laptop, she’s scouring for chocolate, traveling, reading, or walking her four-legged children. Scars from a Memoir is her second book, a sequel to the highly regarded Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales: A Story of Addiction. You can follow Ms. Mann on her author website at marnismann.com.

No lobsters were harmed in the composing of this blog post!

Time Zombie says Click!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer.

Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.

 

 

 

Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales by Marni Mann FREE for your Kindle

I get a chance to read books sometimes.  I figured out, kinda to my dismay, that when you start outlining books, making notes for books, flow-charting plot lines, editing, actually writing them, editing, then editing, and more damn editing, you don’t have as much “ME” time as you used to have when you were a slacker.  When you would wear your pajama bottoms and a feed store cap for days on end while drinking Schlitz beer and playing Super Mario Bros.  Even though that in itself was a grueling schedule – there was occasionally time to read a book.

One of the books I made time for this year is Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales: A Story of Addiction by Marni Mann.

I’m glad that I made time for this one – it was compelling, dark, dramatical (that’s so a real word), emotional, edge of your seatness, and thrilling.  Now, with everything I just typed and from reading this blog I know what you’re thinking:  This is more crap about a secret space alien conspiracy involving the woodchuck overlords in power armor suits fighting against elves that bake cookies and hunt chupacabras – but NO!

And while everything I’ve just listed should one day be a book, this book is actually about a real life kinda girl named NIcole – someone just like someone that you and I have surely known in our day to day real lives (they exist, get off Facebook for a minute and stop checking in that you’re at Old Navy).  Nicole is one of those people who has real hopes and dreams about her future – but she’s haunted by something terrible that happened to her.  She makes the decision to move on with her life and leaves her small town home and moves to the big city, but life just won’t seem to let her get over her past and she slowly starts to make ever-increasing bad choices as to how to proceed with her life.

Sometimes even when we think we’re doing the right thing and making the best choices that we possibly can in how to deal with our reality we end up telling ourselves that we need certain things to survive.  If we let this story we’ve concocted in our heads get the best of us, then we end up creating a reality for ourselves that is far worse than the one we’re trying so hard to escape from.

Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales has over 40 5-Star Reviews on Amazon and is completely legit FREE for your Kindle.  True, it’s no Witches VS Robots, but it’s still one of the best books I’ve read in a long time!

Memoirs is currently FREE on Kindle so Click!

Click to read Marni Mann’s 11 Questions of Badassary Interview!

Click, cause it’s still FREE!

Still Alien Abducted + Writers I Admire + Billy Purgatory FREE on Kindle

Greetings brothers and sisters of Planet Earth!  The Mozrian Saucer Armada pulled into a club on the not-so outer-ring of Saturn.  I thought the rave on Pluto last night would have shut these guys and green girls down – but if there’s anything I can report with any certainty to all of you who are scared that aliens are gonna blow you up – it’s that aliens are way too distracted getting their club on to worry about a full-scale invasion.

There's a reason Space-Aliens abducted Randy Quaid.

It’s seriously like you dropped a Kardashian into a shoe store and told her there was a free E! Channel Wedding Coupon hiding in one of the boxes of Jimmy Choo’s – the party is kicking until someone is stumbling out with a new financee and a fancy pair of strappy heels.

Now's your chance, dude - her Fiiii - Ance left her!

So anyway, club life in the outer cosmos doesn’t look like it’s stoppin’ anytime soon.  Meanwhile, while I’m out here trying to get alien girls to notice me – which is a whole set of problems beyond getting regular girls to notice me – back on Earth a lot of people have downloaded their FREE Kindle copy of Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird.  People seem to really be into the idea of checking out what Billy Purgatory is all about + they seem to like getting stuff free too – it’s my pleasure to provide both of these things to anyone who wants them.

Billy Purgatory cover art by the amazing Thomas Boatwright!

A writer who I follow on Twitter by the name of Tim Queeney – who wrote some really cool books that I like, George In London & The SHIVA Compression + runs a really funny site called Height of Eye, was nice enough to read Billy Purgatory and write up a review.  I guess I’m never really prepared fully for people to like the book enough to write a review, much less say stuff like this:

The first few pages of Billy Purgatory seal the deal. You quickly realize that this is no ordinary skatekid, vampire, monster, devil bird book. Billy Purgatory is a phantasmagorical thrill ride into a world of teenage love, blood dripping undead and one of the most outrageously entertaining birth scenes ever written. More than merely a humorous, stylish foray into the horror genre, however, this book also resonates with themes of love, loss and acceptance of the way that life can hold us back, even break us. The last thing you might expect about so entertaining and imaginative a book like this is how touching and ultimately true it is. If there is something about Billy Purgatory that might not work for some readers, it might be the book’s episodic/dreamlike structure that doesn’t move like a standard linear plot. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from grabbing a copy of Billy and going for a wild ride!

The fact he’s a fellow author who I respect and am a fan of just makes it all better.

Billy Purgatory is still bouncing around the Top Ten on Kindle’s Contemporary Fantasy list (#6 last time I checked) and it’s still FREE and I’d love for you to get yourself a copy and I’d love even more to hear what you think about it.  When I get back to Earth, I’m probably gonna charge money for it (if I’m not too hung over from all these future drinks to remember to change the price).

Click for Time Zombie Transportation!

Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy dares you to join him.

Other Earth-Badassary News that I heard about today (via Space-Twitter)…

Author R.B. Wood has re-launched his outstanding novel The Prodigal’s Foole today!

Check out this smoking hot cover – it’s sweeter than space-love!

Patricia Tallman, from Babylon 5 gave him an even sweeter cover blurb:  “GREAT RIDE! Loved reading it.  Couldn’t put it down!”

Classy hot space lady! Patricia Tallman, you're doing it right *sigh*

The Prodigal's Foole is FREE for a limited time for you to grab up too! Click!

A man can run from his past … but not his future.

Symon Bryson lives in self-imposed exile until Monsignor DuBarry goes missing and not even the most adept of the magic practitioners can determine the reason for the abduction. The clues lie buried in the past amidst epic battles and horrific losses but reliving that failed mission uncovers fresh challenges and fearsome threats that reunite his old team.

Symon must deal with his own hidden demons and confront the menace that threatens the delicate balance of power. When the darkest of all evils lures Symon into springing a long-planned trap, an unsuspecting world will confront the unthinkable.

When all that stands between Heaven and Hell is magic, more than faith will be tested.

Check out Tim Queeney too!

Click on George!

“George in London is funny and a touch irreverent, a fun voyage which, if it didn’t happen, we should wish it did. Tim Queeney captures the spirit of the young Washington and surrounds him with a cast of compelling characters, foremost among them the indomitable Darius Attucks. And if the personal history is made up, the social history is spot on. The customs, speech and eighteenth century settings are rendered with well-researched accuracy. For readers who might like their history leavened with humor, this book is for you.”

-James L. Nelson, author of the books, “George Washington’s Secret Navy: How the American Revolution Went to Sea” (McGraw Hill); “George Washington’s Great Gamble: And the Sea Battle That Won the American Revolution” (Ragged Mountain Press) and “With Fire and Sword: The Battle of Bunker Hill and the Beginning of the American Revolution” (Thomas Dunne Books).

Click the Missile!

The ultimate doomsday weapon: The top secret SHIVA Compression virus can automatically launch all U.S. nuclear missiles. Once released onto the nation’s communications networks, SHIVA cannot be turned off.

Air Force Lieutenant Perry Helion stumbles across a twisted cult that seeks to use SHIVA to produce an orgy of destruction. Perry and his team have only a few days to somehow stop the SHIVA virus from burrowing into the launch computers at every Minuteman missile base and sending the nuclear warheads arcing skyward to an all-consuming firestorm.

Walter Penko’s “The Onion Psychiatrist” [Graphic Novel]

Walter Penko produces an indie comic out of his garage in Sylvania, Illinois – it’s called The Onion Psychiatrist. Just as the title states, it’s about an onion that is also a psychiatrist.

The premise of the book is that people come in to talk about their fears, their lives, their phobias – and the onion psychiatrist sits quietly listening. Invariably, just as his patients will start to feel better about their problems, the drifting lines that Penko draws to indicate the odor of the onion psychiatrist will reach the patient’s nose and they will begin tearing up and crying uncontrollably.

The onion psychiatrist only listens, Penko never employs talk bubbles with the character. The silent dialogue from the onion psychiatrist is handled by the swirling odor-lines eminating from his spherical frame. In this way, the onion is a silent observor of life’s happenings, trapped within some self imposed solitary confinement and unable to effectively interact with those people who desperately need him the most.

His patients are shown panel by panel pouring out their souls about life’s tragic circumstances while the onion sits there, quietly, stewing in his own stench. It’s as if this stench is actually a pervading anti-noise that cuts the patients down panel per panel, until they can no longer keep their composure, and in an explosive mess of tears and Kleenex, they let it all go.

Onion Psychiatrist is a tale of life in our time.  Detached from the closeness of other humans and retreating further and further into stinky personal hells. The book employs this metaphor as its core theme – the pushing away from society until the stink of it all breaks us down and exposes the fragile souls within the armor we wear day to day. As tears are purged and emotions well to the surface we are all, inevitably, gasping for clean air.

Penko himself is one who has been gasping his entire life – reaching out, but not really knowing how or who to reach to. Comics were never his life’s ambition, and even now as a sort of cult figure in the indie comics world, he seems uneasy with the whole affair. He began Onion Psychiatrist after he was laid off from the computer manufacturing industry (The Intellivision crash of ’83).

He could only find odd jobs to sustain himself and his family (eleven cats, all named Whiskers). He began his comics career after becoming obsessed with the newspaper staple The Family Circus, but also credits Hi and Lois as a huge inspiration. Never into the idea of superheroes, he decided that if he was going to venture into the comics world he’d have to create something real and that spoke to people just like me.

Penko took the plunge, investing in materials and given the luxury of free time to work on the book after a successful appearance on the game show The Price is Right allowed him to win a Showcase Showdown. Selling off his prizes for cash (a new dishwasher, a grandfather clock, and a Chevy Cavalier), …

…he purchased art supplies and began working on what would become Onion Psychiatrist. Disheveled and walking around his house in a dirty bathrobe, he drank nothing but Sanka and obsessively chewed nicotine gum for inspiration.

His compulsions paid off eventually.

Even now with his cult status and his awards he still doesn’t feel he’s arrived. Something seems to still naw at him – as if he’s the subject of his own comic. The book, he admits, has been cathartic for him.  He ventures out more, joining a square dancing class recently as well as participating in war re-enactments of the US occupation of Grenada.

“I guess…” as he ends our talk through his locked screen door, “I guess I just haven’t smelt that stank yet – that stinked.  You know? I guess I ain’t got a good enough snitched of my own stink, that which comes from my own onion. It ain’t made them teardrops flow.”

As the front door proper closed, I heard the rhythmn of many locks snapping into place and I left there feeling I had learned something about the human condition. I hummed a tune, as I lazily made my way to the next house on the block, still trying to give away all those copies of Watchtower that weighed me down so – but with a little more spring in my step.

* * * * *

I am not the genius that Walter Penko is, and I have never written a comic about Sanka or Onions, but…

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five

“It is happening again.”

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Read Reviews!

Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

 

“Cupcakes, bitch!” + Books with Vampires in them

 

Click for Time Zombie Transportation!

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

“I first heard whispers about this book on twitter. Comments about a “badass skateboarder”, time zombies, vampires, Greek Gods, and tentacles. I decided I had to check it out myself. The story revolves around skateboarder Billy Purgatory, and his uncanny ability to find himself in the center of trouble with the undead and ancient gods. We start the story with Billy at age ten saving the life of a young girl from a couple vampires, but this girl is more than she seems. I began to read with eyebrows raised questioning how this author, as he revealed more and more of these disconnected creatures; was going to spin these elements into a fine tale. I pictured water spiraling into the darkness of a storm drain. To my delight however, the spiral of water began to rise high into the sky as a tornado, a force of dark nature. Next thing I know I was on the field when the time zombie arrived, I was riding the train with Billy and Anastasia. I felt the heat around Lissandra as she ran from the fire. Without realizing it, I had stepped into the story. It is not something that happens often.”  - Author Glenn Skinner, The Keya Quests Blog

Fangs for the Click!

Hey, folks. I’m Joe, and I’m a vampire – not by choice, mind you, but by accident…a fate-twisting, fang-creating, blood lust-inducing misunderstanding. It started with a group date, a case of mistaken identity and far too many sake bombers, and ended with a ridiculous set of circumstances that I just can’t seem to wrap my head around.

Maybe you can tell: I’m not real happy about it.

But I’m certainly not going to let it get in the way of my life.

Ask Dr. Badassary / and Gaea’s Chosen: Event Horizon

People have been sending in their medical questions to me – at first I wasn’t sure why.  True, I am a renaissance badass – kind of a da Vinci Vitruvian dude meets Evel Knievel – but I wasn’t sure how any of that Dr. Quinn medicine business was gonna mix in.  People normally ask me stuff about “what do I do if I get my leg caught in a Bigfoot trap?” or “if I was on fire and killing zombies how many rounds could I get off before the flames overtake me and I’d have to jump into a tub of Robitussin?”

So the more I thought about all that kinda stuff – I realized that FIRST AID might be important with the end of the world coming up soon and all – and that immanent attack by the aliens from V (old school V because that shit is real – new V is fake and made up like Taylor Swift).

"I'm in, just don't take EVERYTHING off."

Outer-space is a complicated place – especially when love is involved!  Take for example: Gaea’s Chosen: Event Horizon by Cara Michaels, a book that’s full of all kinds of space-badassary and cool future-swords and meta-humans and a hot protagonist (what?  Gemma Bryant sounds like a hottie-ass-kicker and I have no filter when it comes to hotness-ass-kickery) – and for the ladies there’s Marcus Gilpin and a cat-eyed-meta dude (if you’re into that kinda stuff).

This is the second installment of Cara’s space-serial, part one being Gaea’s Chosen: The Mayday Directive, and I like how this is all coming together.  The first episode was more Gemma’s story, and you weren’t so sure about Dr. Marcus Gilpin – he’s a kind of pissed-off space-dude who isn’t so sure he made the right decision coming on this journey into outer-space.  This second episode gives you a little flashback info on Marcus and his lost love, Tegan – and now I feel like I know what this guy is all about and I instantly was sympathetic to his plight – in space nobody can hear your romantic-angst so you’re forced to step it up or you get your heart tossed out an airlock.  You know, it’s not all love-in-spaaaaaaccce – but that part of it definitely makes the characters real, believable, and gives you that much more reason to care about them when the crazy-cosmos-action cranks into overdrive!

Check it!

Dr. Marcus Gilpin left Earth with the woman he loved, but the very science he put his faith in promised her to another man…

Six months after waking in unknown parts of the galaxy, Marcus Gilpin is still recovering from a mauling that nearly killed him. His love gone, his ship lost—a crew of twenty now numbers only five, and he should have been among the dead.

He’s not entirely certain death wouldn’t be a relief—until he learns Gaea’s Ark isn’t alone, and a distress call reveals an unbelievable truth: The love he’d thought lost forever is still very much alive, and she’ll need his help to stay that way.

Gaea’s Chosen: Selected to settle a new world twenty light years from home…only things didn’t quite go as planned.

In matters of medicine, 13 is everyone's lucky number.

Meanwhile, back on Earth suddenly Ask Dr. Badassary!

Tim:  could you discuss the priapistic mechanism in the female? With examples and 8 x 10 glossies?

Tim, it all starts like this.

Quill Shiv:  If my ankle is broken and my hands barely work anymore, does this mean I get a gov’t issued hot assistant/nurse? Oh, wait…that’s not a medical question… Um…I’m ailing..and I can’t decide which would help more: 4 or 5 helpers around the house?

Quill Shiv, according to what I saw on C-SPAN this morning you're eligible for one of these.

January Jones Assistant Anonymous:  Is there value in eating placenta?

I don't know, the going rate is cheaper than my ebook plus it comes with BBQ chips - sounds like value to me!

Sex in the City cast Anonymous:  Hey Doc, my third superfluous nipple aches–is that normal?

No, it's not normal - but I'm not saying it's wrong.

#dancedancedancemachine:  Where do babies come from?

#dancedancedancemachine, this is where babies come from. Yes, I'm saying it's very wrong.

@Cinderella:  I have lesions on my…er…face. Yeah. Or maybe they’re kind of wart like.

@Cinderella, totally cure-able. Stay away from those creams they sell at CVS that are for other parts of the body - the normally 'happy' parts.

Vehemently Jones Anonymous:  Female priapism is called clitorism. I’m sure you can figure out the rest. But…clitorism. What kind of word is that? It makes it sound like having a clitoris is an ‘ism’, a disease. Wow. I don’t think I have typed the word clitoris so much!!

Dear Anonymous, I don't know what you're talking about and have never heard of any of that. But here are some pictures of other things that don't exist...

If you have more questions for Dr. Badassary, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook!

Make it rain and get your space on…

Click to get your ass tossed across the universe!

Cara Michaels is a dreamer of legendary proportions (just ask her about the alien pirate spaceship invasion). Her imagination is her playground and nothing is quite so much fun for her as building new characters and new worlds with at least an edge of the fantastic. She’s writing whenever the opportunity presents itself and can typically be found tinkering with half a dozen projects. Occasionally all at once.

She calls Florida ‘home’ when she’s not busy swearing about giant bugs and humidity. She has one super-cool fiancé who doesn’t (usually) mind the hours spent writing, editing, writing some more, and editing a lot more, one son with aspirations of becoming either a great wizard or an artist, and three cats who enjoy sleeping on her works in progress.

Badass Sci-Fi Author Cara Michaels!

Follow Cara Michaels on Twitter!

And if you’re curious about what sort of mental problems I might have that makes me blog in this fashion…

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Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

***Jesse James Freeman is not ACTUALLY a doctor, and since a brief walk-on stint (ended by set-security) on General Hospital he doesn’t even play one on TV.  You should not listen to anything he says and consult a real doctor if there is something wrong with you – in fact, you should never listen to ANYTHING that Jesse James Freeman ever tells you because he is a liar – a confident liar – but ultimately, a liar.

Kind of a review of Billy Purgatory by The Keya Quests author Glenn Skinner!

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11 Questions of Badassary w/ Tess Hardwick

What can I say about writer Tess Hardwick that hasn’t already been said?  

I'd make a celebrity roast joke, but then I'd have to send a royalty check to Andy Dick.

She left Hollywood in the rearview so she could pursue a more fulfilling path as wife, mother, caretaker to Patches the Dog, and #1 Barnes & Noble best-selling author of Riversong.

Before we get into all this intellectual book-snobbery - honestly - how badass is Patches?!?

Tess and I did not meet on the mean streets of Los Angeles, but we both come from there kinda.  I say kinda, because we’re both from places originally that have a lot more to do with close families, big trees nestled amongst serene natural landscapes, and really good food.

In our day to day lives, Tess Hardwick and I could not be more different from one another.  She’s a married mommy. I’m a single father raising Pop Pop Zanzibar the dog (okay, that’s kinda ‘in common’).  She watches the Lifetime channel. I quit watching TV because I spend my nights down at my moonshine still guarding it against yetis.  She drives a mini-van to zumba class. I’m building a functioning jetpack out of LEGOs.  She said it best, talking about the two of us, on her blog, Inspiration For Ordinary Life, shortly after we first crossed paths on Twitter:

“Now, I don’t know him well, but my guess is he doesn’t drive a minivan.  I’m fairly certain from his tweets and his blog that he’s quite adventuress and I’d have to guess does not live in the suburbs.  He definitely does not write “feel good girl books” like me.

But strangely enough, we have a lot in common.  We’re both trying to make a living as writers.  We have highly developed senses of humor.  We have generous hearts.

We both loved the show “Twin Peaks”.  He figured out that I live near the diner featured in the show and asked if I would take a photo for him, which I did today.  His request made me think about how on the surface, our differences seem to separate us but when we take the time to look slightly deeper,  the commonalities we might share become all too obvious.”

"They got a cherry pie that'll kill ya."

Tess really did send me that picture!  So yeah, we were both writing, we both got our books out, and we’ve even contributed to a book together now.  Guess people from different locales and with different sensibilities can have things in common after all - except when it comes to yetis – neither Tess or I have anything in common with yetis.

Now, prepareth yourselves for the coming of the rain!  I didn’t cut her any slack, and now Tess Hardwick sits in the golden tilt-o-whirl of truth as we unfurl another episode of…

11 Questions of Badassary!

1. So you wrote a book called Riversong.  There’s intrigue and mobsters and Mexican food and starting restaurants and love.  Explain?

Well, I’m sure if you’ve followed my so-called career at all you will see a major theme. I love food. I love to write about food. Whenever I can I mix the two, I do.

There's a hot fireman/musician - try to keep it calm, ladies.

2. We’re both with Booktrope.  Our books both came out in 2011.  Both of our books have a birth scene in them.  Can you compare and contrast?

Let’s see. My book has a brief description of a woman feeling like she’s being torn in half during labor. Your book has a birth scene where an entire hospital staff faces monsters, goblins, witches, guns, axes. It takes an entire group of friends to save the baby. Both our scenes are horrific in their own way. Having given birth, I’m going to have to go with your description as more accurate.

The Valentines Day gift that keeps on giving - tentacles.

b.  So your birth scene is more Twilight?

Will I get in trouble if I say I’ve never read it? I only like emotionally unavailable vampires like the one in Billy Purgatory.

c.  Walton’s Mountain then?

Yes, definitely more Walton’s Mountain.

Everything I learned about drinking, I learned from these broads.

3.  You went to college in LA and used to run around with KSears.

Back in the day!

I’ve heard it told that you and I both met Shannen Doherty once or twice…

Yeah, she was in the backseat of a car sitting next to Christian Slater. I was in the front seat, a little tipsy I have to admit, and not really understanding how big they both were in those days.  I wasn’t nearly as impressed with them as they were with themselves. No wonder Hollywood didn’t want me!

"Even Martha Dumptruck is reading Riversong, Veronica."

b.  Christian Slater too?  Was Scott Bakula there?  What about Marni Mann?

Scott Bakula was not there. However, during that same time period, I worked as a waitress at a California Pizza Kitchen at the Beverly Center.  

This is what it looks like, so you can roll your eyes and go 'duh' when the Hollywood Tour Guide says, "Author Tess Hardwick used to work here."

Scott Bakula’s former college roommate was our bartender’s ex-roommate. He used to come in all the time and sit at the counter, eating, and catching up with his friend. I was a little star struck because I LOVED him and his show. Now I can’t remember the name of it. C’mon, Jesse, you know which one I mean. He jumped into other people’s bodies and time travelled. It was awesome.

She's talking about this shit.

c.  Was Marni painted green?

I can’t tell you the details because I pinkie swore with her that I wouldn’t. I’ll just say this. It was more of a pea green than an avocado green.

"Green Chicks" : Damn you, Google Image Search. Damn you.

4.  Riversong has some pretty heavy themes in it.  A good portion of the book deals with deciding what do when your life goes through an upheaval and you’re forced out of your comfort zone and have to make tough decisions about how to start over.  Was there a time in your life when you had to make similar decisions?

Gawd, only like two or three times now. The first was when I decided to give up on my acting dream and leave L.A.

It was hard to let go of this image I had of myself as an actress, having the sort of life where I was a working actress in theatre, especially.  But I was terribly unhappy there and needed to make a big change.

This is what you get when you Google "Oregon"

I used to watch Twin Peaks and Northern Exposure on television and feel so homesick I thought I would die, so it was the right move.

Recently, we changed our whole life when I decided to give this writing thing a real shot. We sold our home and downsized considerably so I could stay home and raise the girls and write. It has been a leap of faith every step of the way.

Just because there's tons of these pictures floating around the internet.

b.  Were you running from the mob?

Leaving L.A. felt like running from the mob. I felt like I might not make it, literally, out of there alive if I stayed one more minute.

5.  I’m sure that the book was initially aimed at a female audience – but have you heard from a lot of men who read it?  What do male readers say about the book?

I’m surprised and pleased by how many men have read it and liked it. I received a fan letter from a 50-year-old male cop saying that he loved it and couldn’t wait for my next book. That was pretty awesome. I think it’s the mobster thing that gets them. Or maybe the sexy parts?  Never mind. I shouldn’t have mentioned that. I’m blushing now.

I can definitely see this guy reading Riversong.

Yeah, I can kinda see Sawyer reading Riversong too.

Holy Shit! Really?

6.  You’re a pretty busy lady – you’re a full-time writer, a wife, a mother to two girls & Patches, you blog obsessively, take Zumba class, school functions, drinking boxed wine with Ksears — How do you balance and stay focused?

I wouldn’t say I’m well balanced. I work too much and don’t spend enough time just hanging out. I’m either writing, doing mommy and doggie and husband duties, exercising, or sleeping.

Do I really need to caption this?

I’m a little obsessive about my work right now – probably because I feel like I still have so much to learn, and want more than anything to be good at this vocation I’ve chosen. I hope, as I gain skill and confidence that I’ll be able to chill out a little. 

7.  You left the Pacific NW and went to Los Angeles – then returned, to a place relatively close to home and familiar surroundings.  Having lived in LA myself, do you think that you moving back ‘home’ allowed you the focus you needed to be a writer?

If I hadn’t moved back home to the northwest, I cannot imagine that I would be an artist, let alone just a normal, grounded person.

"Some call it soul-sucking, the medical term is actually lipo-suction."

There was a soul-sucking component in Los Angeles (for me anyway) that was like a character or element in Billy Purgatory – somewhere between an emotionally unavailable vampire, Medusa and the Time Zombie.

The Coen Brothers are intrigued about your life, Tess. Keep going...

b.  I know having pulled a similar move, my writing output away from LA distractions has increased by 10X.  You too?

I am absolutely inspired by the beauty of where I live. Also, the people here are real and down to earth. I hate bullshit and the whole ‘image’ thing and was slowly being suffocated from who I really am every minute I lived there. I would not be a writer if I’d stayed – I don’t think. Although, maybe all that angst I left there would have made me a better writer. Or a different type of writer. I don’t know.

If you Google 'Oregon, not the game where you die of dysentery"

What was I talking about?

8.  What are you working on now?

I’m working on what I hope will be a final draft on my second novel, “Duet For Three Hands”. It’s historical fiction set in Georgia and Alabama between 1915 and 1934, told from six different viewpoints – a departure from Riversong in that it’s much more complex and ambitious. I also have a first draft of my third novel, called “Pea Soup” about an illegal adoption ring combined with a pregnancy pact amongst high school girls and a former actress who goes undercover to expose the entire operation.

According to MTV market research, not everybody just wants to read about teenage pregnancy rings...

9.  Riversong hit #1 on the Barnes & Noble Nook charts – like above The Help and whatever trash Dr. Phil had out at the time.  What was running through your mind when you heard and then logged in to see your book at #1?

Honestly, it didn’t seem real. I kept looking at BN.com’s site over and over to make sure it was truly there. And then, for it to last the whole week – that was just a gift I never expected. I’ll never forget the moment, because it was a long journey from deciding to take myself seriously as a writer to seeing it there. Of course, now I’m obsessed with why I’m not higher on the Amazon list. We writers are crazy this way. Or maybe that’s just me?

KSears is just out of frame stage left, according to MTV market research not everybody just wants to read about boxed-wine...

b.  Did you feel vindicated?  Come on, what was the bitch’s name who used to turn her nose up at you being a writer that you then got to rub her face in it?

I never had anyone turn up their nose to my face – it was more the silent, patronizing looks at dinner parties when I first started telling people I was writing. I know no one thought I could actually pull it off, so to see my book there, it felt pretty good.

Also, there was a professor at acting school when I was at USC that told me I’d never play anything but maids because of my low-pitched speaking voice and the fact that I’m not a long-legged, lean beauty. So now I feature vile women in my books based on her. So that feels good.

Playing a maid worked out for this chick. Tess hates ladders, though.

10.  Virtually cast a Riversong movie for us.

Lee: Nicole Kidman

But like, which Nicole-Kidman-Hairstyle, Tess?

Tommy: Benjamin Bratt

Linus: Allan Cumming

Mike: An acting teacher I had at USC named Jim Wilson. No one but Sears will get that.

Didn't I just warn her there were tons of these floating around the internet?

Cindi: Melissa McCarthy (the really funny one from Bridesmaids).

Zac: Seth Green

Billy: I have no idea. Jesse, you have to come up with this one. Someone goofy but sweet.

Uh, like this dude?

b.  What if Riversong had a supernatural/horror spin on it.  What monsters would you have attack Lee and the town?

Definitely ghosts. Like old logging and pioneer types with axes in their chests or oozing yellow stuff from rattlesnake bites; kind of Children From the Corn or something, all escaping from the town cemetery.

"You wanna start a fancy restaurant, nice pregnant lady? Fancy like Sizzler?"

11.  A song by Snow Patrol gave you the idea for Riversong.  How Important is music to plotting out scenes in your head?  What do you listen to when you write?

I love music more than I could possibly describe. I especially love what I call Americana music, which consists of folk, old country, southern rock-n-roll and sad girl singers like Patti Griffin, for example.

You can Google 'Snow Patrol' all day and never find a picture this awesomelishiously badass!

However, I do not write to music, because I find the poetry of it distracting – I don’t want other artist’s words in my head when I’m trying to come up with my own. However, I use it for plotting and story, and coming up with characters – not even intentionally but just when I’m either driving in the White Whale (my minivan) or out for walks (now with Patches) or cooking. Music inspires me and sometimes will just give me an image or an idea that blossoms into something larger, like the Snow Patrol song, “Chasing Cars” did. I had this image of a woman blossoming, I think because the musicality of the song reminds me of a flower blooming, like Lee does during Riversong, and also their line,“A garden bursting into life.”

And speaking of flowers blooming and stuff…

Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays … all author $$$ donated to charities fighting breast cancer!  Buy a great read and help out people who could really use your love and support.

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And, while your trigger-finger is on the book buying button

When Lee Tucker’s husband commits suicide, he leaves her pregnant and one million dollars in debt to a loan shark. Out of options, she escapes to her deceased mother’s dilapidated house located in a small Oregon town that, like her, is financially ruined, heartbroken and in desperate need of a fresh start. Lee’s resilience leads to a plan for a destination restaurant named Riversong, to new chances for passion and love, and to danger from her dead husband’s debt as her business blooms.

Author Tess Hardwick assembles a colorful cast of endearing small-town characters and takes you on a journey that will make you believe in the possibilities of life – even in the face of overwhelming adversity and unimaginable grief. Lee Tucker is the kind of woman you find yourself rooting for long after the last page is read.

A surprising mix of romance, humor, friendship, intrigue and gourmet food – Riversong entertains while reminding you of life’s greatest gifts.

“Riversong is totally badass – Batman read it!” – Jesse James Freeman

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