I’ve had some down-time lately, and this has allowed me to catch up on some reading; and by down-time I mean that incident at the Winter Carnival (which I can’t talk about according to my court-appointed lawyer, but I will say that driving a tractor with a goat as your co-pilot should not be considered reckless endangerment, anyone who’s had to sit through a Law & Order marathon on TNT knows that). There are only so many hours in the day I can Tweet Ralph Macchio to taunt him into agreeing to fight me in the Valley Karate Championship, and after a case of Schlitz the thrill of that life goal kinda wears off and seems zenfully shallow.
This is an actor that looks like Norman Rockwell trying to sell you Schlitz.
This is the real Tess Thompson and not an actor trying to sell you cough syrup.
This is my karate nemesis. I could take him in a fight, even though he has really nice hair.
Since it is winter, all the creeks have frozen up and the elusive Yeti has gone into hibernation, which always strikes me as a little odd — shouldn’t winter be prime-time for Yetis? But I digress, the point of this article is to illustrate that I needed something to do to occupy my brain, steel-trap beasts like that brain of mine need to stay well oiled or they become rusty, like that C3-PO that Dorothy found on the Yellow Brick road to Oz near those talking trees.
Talking trees are total dicks, fyi.
After I played a few games of Words With Friends and kicked Karla Nellenbach and Alec Baldwin’s ass by using the words Fahrvergnügen and Bassoon in a combination they just weren’t ready for, I decided that I needed something fresh and unique to set my synapses all a-flutter.
I made this in MS Paint cause I take blogging seriously and no expense is spared.
It also had to be something that wouldn’t set off the electronic ankle-bracelet.
This is when I discovered that I had been emailed an advance copy of a new book by Tess Thompson entitled Caramel and Magnolias. Now, the title was instantly intriguing, as I have known two pleasant young ladies in my past who happened to be named Caramel and Magnolia respectively. I quickly discovered by doing a word search on the document that these were not the same ladies, as glitter wasn’t used once in the manuscript.
I’m talking about this book right here. Tess wrote it, not the guy trying to sell you Schlitz.
Still, why not? I decided to read (well, some parts I had my Uncle Lester Earl read out loud to me, because he sounds everything out and it was kinda funny, but ultimately distracting).
As I dug deeper into this book, I wasn’t ready for what was being presented to me. What was this strange world that Tess Thompson had created? Who were these people? When would we find out that the Loch Ness Monster was involved?
Turns out, this was one of those romantical books.
Like this.
See, there’s this nice schoolteacher lady named Cleo, with a broken-heart from something that happened to her in her past that involved a box of donuts (before you jump to conclusions, you’re probably thinking the same thing that I was, but it turns out it’s not that). Then there was this other lady named Sylvia who wanted to have a baby and, right when she thinks she’s got everything she wants, tragedy strikes. Turns out Sylvia has a longing-heart, she’s in love with this dude and he’s in love with her too, but neither one of them will tell one another. So, it made me go, “Dude, tell her you love her and stuff. Cause if you don’t then you’re gonna be an old man and have this weird bucket-list and one of the things you have to check off is going to the Walgreens and buying a Hey, I’m an old dude now, and I should have told you that I loved you card with a picture of a cute kitten on the front of it…
Just letting you all know, you’d think that cute kitten card trick would work, but turns out the rate of success in real-world scenarios is not that high.
This stuff totally works though.
For guys like me, that are totally in touch with their emotions and Deepak Chopra talks to you in your head like Obi-Wan Kenobi, it was easy to get wrapped up in this story. The characters are very well written and have interesting back-stories (I never thought I’d admit something like this, but the character work in this is even better than the cast of The Expendables, and that had Stallone, Willis, and Schwarzenegger).
Just when you think life can’t get anymore zen.
The more I think about Caramel and Magnolias, the more I consider that it’s not just about all that love stuff, there’s cross-genre appeal (I just copied cross-genre appeal out of an article about The Hunger Games, so you’re welcome, universe). There’s buddy cop stuff going on, there’s crime and intrigue, there’s a little solving a murder sprinkled in. The only thing missing really is Space Marine, and I can’t fault Tess Thompson on that — because after Aliens where do you go with it that hasn’t already been covered?
Fighting Aliens all day is hard. Luckily, Sigourney Weaver tucked them in every night and then read Riversong to them.
And in case I freaked you out above by talking about cute cat pictures, there’s a mean cat in this book. I’m not entirely convinced that it’s not a werewolf pretending to be a cat. We’ll have to wait for a sequel to learn the truth on that one. If it’s set in London and Jenny Agutter offers to take care of someone then Tess Thompson will have already tipped her hand to the involvement of a secret lycanthrope conspiracy.
Click for Rob Kelly’s Illustration Blog!
The cats in this book didn’t need to be cute anyway, there’s babies that take care of that action. For those of you who love cute babies with dimpled chins, this book is for you. I am glad to see cute babies getting their due in modern fiction. I was just reading some Dan Brown the other day (okay, I was watching that movie because the cable company forgot to lock the box that turns off my HBO) and I was saying to myself “You know, you good looking badass, you — Tom Cruise does a good job solving these mysteries and running through the Vatican, but could he take care of a baby?” I’m calling you out, Top Gun. Tom Selleck, Steve Guttenberg, and Ted Danson have got nothing to prove in the baby taking-care-of department. So far, all we know about you is that you take after-volleyball showers at Kelly McGillis’s house and talk to a soccer ball.
It always ends up being Val Kilmer that ties everything together.
So, if you’re not like my Uncle Lester Earl and you didn’t quit school in the 5th grade so you could run away with the carnival, therefore, know how to read books, Caramel and Magnolias has something for you.
Read these words and let Tess Thompson school you on babies, and love, and cops, and cops in love, and pianos, and how to make stuff out of glass, and beer. You should get off the sidelines, and read Caramel and Magnolias.
Click for Amazon!
(In the interest of full disclosure, and since I cannot afford two lawyers at the same time, I am a part of the Booktrope family, who is the publisher of Caramel and Magnolias. Tess Thompson or Booktrope in no way endorsed this article (or even wanted it) and Tess did not pay me $20 to write it, even though I might have asked her to. What? I was drunk.)
Click for Tess’s blog!
Tess Thompson is a mother before all else, and a writer after that. She’s also a Zumba queen, though the wearing of the crown is reserved for invitation-only appearances. After honing her craft in theater with a prize-winning play titled My Lady’s Hand, her heart was called to a different storytelling medium: the great American novel.
And all was right with the world.
The first of these, Riversong (Booktrope Editions), went on to become #1 on Barnes and Noble’s Nook Book chart in October 2011. Two years after its release, readership ofRiversong continued to grow, spending weeks in the top 100 Kindle bestsellers; it’s known amongst her friends and family as “the little book that could.”
And now, I try and sell you Schlitz…
Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five is the second book in Jesse James Freeman’s Billy Purgatory series. He has been at war with dark forces (stuff like: cobras, lasers, yetis) his entire life. He enjoys Tweeting, scented candles, and waffles. He is hard at work on Billy Purgatory 3 and an epic poem entitled Witches vs Robots.
Being interviewed on this blog is an exhaustive scientific process under normal circumstances. There is form and function involved, but it really never goes places that I don’t expect. I’m not doing something important here, like curing bad breath (because Budweiser already does that). Normally the tried and true system works with me writing out the questions and then scanning them into email. Something like…
This is the protocol that I followed with Sarah Martinez (then I passed out after downing a bottle of the finest plastic-bottled Scotch that money could buy). I guess I wasn’t ready for the epicosity that would one day arrive back in my email box.
I read it and I thought it was fantastico. I thought that there were some pretty heavy/intriguing topics in the book, and it’s one of those reads that stayed with me for days while I tried to figure out what it all meant.
So, I was out working on my moonshine still (aka typical Thursday night) and I said to myself, “I’m using way too much brain power on all this. Why don’t I just ask Sarah to talk about her book, and life, and what’s the nature of the human condition?” I realized that I was sitting on this old oil drum in the same pose as that Thinker statue dude. Yes, I was naked, but I don’t normally pose like that when I’m making shine.
I wrote out my questions and emailed, then Sarah’s lawyers emailed me back (this is a normal step in the process), then KSears was like, “Why are you talking to Sarah? She’s busy writing books? And, where are my…
???”
I found out Sarah was having this big fancy launch party in someplace called Seattle. I thought about hitting that, because nobody does fancy like me. I couldn’t find my tuxedo-T-shirt (and I didn’t know where Seattle was). There was tons of important book stuff going on there though:
See, here’s Sarah there talking about writer stuff:
Anyhow, when all was said and done, Sarah emailed me back her answers – 10 pages of answers! Obviously, she thinks I’m a legit journalist or something.
So prepareth for reading-time of awesomeness, as I present here the novella which is
Sarah Martinez Answers 11 Questions of Badassary!
Author Sarah Martinez, yo!
1.
So, I was reading your book and like the main character is a writer who writes erotica and like there’s erotica that goes down in the book and so I was saying, “This is like one of those paintings that has one of those paintings in it and that has a painting in that and it goes on for infinity until the painting gets all tiny.”
This dude told me that if you squint your eyes and look at this picture sideways you see a koala bear.
So, should there be more books that have tiny paintings in them?
Not if there aren’t authors who want to write them. I wrote Sex and Death in the American Novel in the middle of a pretty hard core obsession with two authors. I saw one as the road to madness and the other the road to salvation, and somewhere as I read more, I fell in love with the one who represented madness. So this book is a weird assed way for me to try and express that.
There is the element of me addressing my favorite authors, and in the book I am writing about the experience of writing and you are reading about what it means to be a reader. It is a whole circular thing and it ended for me when I got to give the book to one of my favorite authors when he came to town. I think that was where the book ended for me, if that makes sense. Now I am ready to move on to the next thing.
I kinda want to take over the Nancy Drew books, but make her like badass Nancy Drew. She was raised by werewolves and now she’s a model who solves crimes…
I also love writers so I was very interested in all the discussions of process and how many of us work, how many of us are judged, how we judge ourselves, how we judge others, and how outsiders judge what we write.
2.
There’s a lot more going on in your book than Sex and Death–but the sex is definitely there. What’s the secret to writing the sexy times? A lot of people are writing about the sexy times lately, but I’m not so sure a lot of us are doing it right. When I try to write that kinda stuff I don’t think I do a very good job at it–but I’m a guy and I think I’ve accomplished something groundbreaking if I can just work “boobs” into a sentence.
Why do you think that is?
Dude, here’s an exercise for you. Think of the five words you really really aren’t supposed to say, let alone write. Pick the worst one. Then write for ten minutes using that word in every line. Not every sentence, every line. I stole that from Jack Remick, and a version of this exercise can also be found in The Writer’s Portable Mentor by Priscilla Long.
“Nancy Drew raised by werewolves? What’s your opening line? – “A long time ago Nancy Drew was hot and raised by hot werewolves?”
Jack Remick and I will be doing a class that will cover writing sex scenes for the Pacific Northwest Writers Association on November 3rd. There should also be a webinar so you can look it up later. I am excited about this class, and working with writers who want to write past what they are afraid to talk about.
In my case anyway, when I got past all the self-censoring I was doing and moved into trying to be as honest and true to what I was afraid of and badly wanted to say, it opened up so many more aspects of my work. I could say I was pissed at my father and that I in fact hated him at times, because I let that barrier down. Letting down the walls that keep us from writing honestly about sex also opens up the ability to talk about other aspects of our lives.
The key to writing sex or anything really, is to put all of yourself into it. Study others who have done it well—for you, don’t listen to what others say is a good scene if it doesn’t work for you—and keep practicing. Like sex itself, the more you do, the better at it you become and the more aware and present you are for the whole deal, the more you will get out of it.
Writing is about awareness, honesty, respect for your topic, and fearlessness. When I am afraid of something is when I find I want to skim over it. The need to skip over a topic should be a clue that it may need some attention. Even if that only ends up being one line in the final draft, it probably should be addressed.
I also think that starting from a really radical place and revising for audience is the way to go. Throw everything you have at the scene you are writing, and then tame it if you need to. But if you write tame in the first place, you risk losing the special bit that comes out when you let yourself go. Knowing you I am actually surprised you would have a hard time with this. Pretend you are on twitter and you have to be as explicit as you can in your descriptions. What key words would you have to use to make your points if you were attempting to shock, seduce or enchant? Let yourself go and I think you will be surprised at what you come up with.
Maybe I always get hung up on *enchant*?
I have been finding some phenomenal male writers lately who address sex in their work. Marco Vassi’sThe Stoned Apocalypse, as well as The Gentle Degenerates, areimportant, as is anything and everything by Junot Diaz. He just published some of his best short stories in the collection This is How You Lose Her. His short story “Alma” is one of my favorites. The actual sex scene there is short but very well done and the entire story is infused with this dark sexually charged energy.
I am just beginning to read these, but even just his reasons for writing sound exactly like what I have been saying for a while. His work reminds me a lot of the honesty and a certain type of hope I was so drawn to in Marco Vassi.
“Oh, so Sarah and that Marco dude could write about kick-ass hot Nancy Drew…”
3.
I’m just gonna stay focused on Sarah’s interview and keep my genius werewolf ideas to myself.
Your blog addresses a lot of topics: writing, literature, relationships, sex. Beyond self-promotion, what sort of discussions are really important to you to engage in with readers? What are the sorts of dialogues you feel are crucial to keep relevant currently? What should we be talking about more openly that we’re not?
I hope my blog handles self-promotion least of all topics. I really want it to be a place for gathering information that is relevant to my own sensibility. When you land there you should pretty quickly be able to figure out who I am and what is important to me. It is also very important to me that I am able to promote others who are “doing it right.” Once in awhile I will do what I call a “gushy post” and I will rave and fawn over some new writer I have discovered.
I am planning a series of posts where I will interview several male writers that I admire, who are writing about sex in ways that are worth taking notice.When I wrote my novel I was addressing the fact that a few of the writers I respected hardly handled sex at all in their work, but were supposed to be addressing the human condition. I never expected this meant all male writers, because of course, there wasJunot Diaz and Marco Vassi, but Marco Vassi was mostly classified as a porn writer!
People get paid to write porn? Wait … what is this a picture of?
I was addressing a very specific assumption I had, that I am still trying to work though, that literary fiction can’t or shouldn’t handle explicit sex because it is too…well…explicit, tasteless or ew, you know, like too gross or something… Fuck! Forget the fact that it is also something that is universal, vital and either traumatic or pleasurable as an activity. Why real depictions of it are still largely stuck into a separate genre is something I continue to look at and discuss.
I also want people to learn something as well. When I say I wrote a book that was erotic many people bring up the latest blockbuster that deals with BDSM. If a careful reader comes to my site, they will find recommendations to other books they might also find interesting and find out why I am writing the way I do.
The last thing I want to do is trivialize sex further; instead I want to celebrate and examine it and point people towards other artists who do the same. If I can accomplish that with my website, blog, facebook and twitter ramblings, I will have done something important.
Why would anyone wanna trivialize sex further? …oh, yeah!
Something unrelated to the book that you will find on my website , is about a place I was in as a teenager called Straight, Inc. It was a radical institution which called itself a drug treatment program that worked with teenagers through the 70’s until the early 90s. This is a part of who I am that until pretty recently I kept quiet about and mostly tried to ignore. As I get older and try to work through some of what it means for me to have been in that place, it becomes more important to both integrate it into my discussions about who I am and try to draw attention to it. There are a good number of people out there who were in places like this and I think it is important that they don’t feel alone. I have several links up on my website and have posted a few essays about the experience and will continue to do so from time to time.
4.
You list Atlas Shrugged as an inspiration.I really loved that novel when I read it – more for the characters and less for some of the extreme Objectivism. Anthem was a super-important book for me when I first read it. Do you think poor Ayn is getting a bad rap, lately?
I have been told that shit tons of people like Ayn for the reasons I do, but I haven’t met any of them until you! Generally Atlas Shrugged is only cited when discussions of a political nature come up. The pieces about Atlas that resonated for me, and were exactly why I threw the references into the book were first the notion that your mind, your thoughts, and your reason are valuable. In the context of my book, it was like, hey, if you like erotica, or science fiction more than literary fiction, don’t feel bad about that. Don’t let people who purport to know, as those party goers did in Atlas, tell you that you are wrong. Do your thing and be proud of it, and choose wisely, being true to your own vision of the world. Also, as a writer, don’t write what you think other people want, or what might sell, or any of that, write what really turns your crank, rocks your clock, and floats your particular boat.
Like this kinda boat?
The second thing I appreciated was that she addressed the power that guilt has over us all. We get to look at how it works as a motivator in relationships of all kinds. One of the writers I admire, Jonathan Franzen, talked about this in a speech he gave when he came to Seattle. He is the first writer I ever heard address this. Guilt is an especially big deal for mothers as we are often expected to give up our hopes and dreams until our kids are grown.One day it occurred to me that that was unreasonable, and that much of the guilt I had about doing what I wanted was left over from judging my own mother who also didn’t do the June Cleaver thing.
As I began pulling away from the day to day routine that involved me being available for husband and kids 24/7, I had to deal with quite a bit of guilt, and still do for choosing to spend my time writing, editing and attending events for all of it. But I also believe that my happiness and my example to my girls matters in the long run. Do I want them to think that they are doomed to a life of constant sacrifice and no personal fulfillment if they decide to go the domestic route? That sort of insight took a while though. I think we are still taught to give up quite a bit for the sake of our families and it is not always easy to imagine another way to be until we have done it for a while.
Here is something that nobody mentions… Did Dagny not have the most incredible men lusting after her? And they weren’t lusting after her because she had a rack that could drop jaws, but instead it was all about what was inside her, and what she was capable of. So there was, like Twilight,which I read at the same time I read Atlas Shrugged,this implication for some incredible group sex.
Like this?
Don’t give me that look. It was there the whole time. I should write it so you’ll see…
5. Sex and Death has some heavy topics mixed in with self-discovery and erotica. Your protagonist starts off writing gay pornography because she’s more interested in writing books that are “fun escapist reads” VS “high literature.” She also explores the nature of women’s roles in relationships and how they’re perceived by society. As a whole, do you think we’re ever going to get over a lot of the puritanical hang-ups that color our views and pre-conceived notions about what it means to interact intimately with others and what our roles are supposed to be in that dance?
First I want to say that I am no expert on anything, all I can speak to is what I have observed in my own life and what I have been learning lately.
I had thought we were still, at least where I lived, pretty hung up, but since I wrote the book these fascinating people, largely men, have been handing me all sorts of information. I think now I need to distinguish between mainstream media (the literary fiction I was reading was mainstream and popular) and what the men’s movements and what some would call counter-culture are doing. Until I found Marco Vassi, I was pretty sure men were not able to function mentally and be sexual beings. True story.I know,I am special and incredibly precious aren’t I? What Vassi wrote was revelatory and confirmed something that I had hoped–that men were more like me than different– and there was a way to find a real connection with these beings who for many reasons I admired.
I am not sure if anything different is possible in any context where we are slave to a mass consciousness, certainly not where people are still labeled, still not able to be themselves without judgment. This again goes to my discussion of what good is and what bothers me about labels in general. Is a man who can have sex with both women and men and find connection there any less of a man than one who only sleeps with women? According to the jokes I heard on TV and the way I have heard men talked about all my life, there would be something wrong with him.
I also feel like the nuances that make all of life so exciting is what television, and the mass media are so awful at dealing with. Because we simplify things to the point of inanity, it is very easy to assume, especially at an unconscious level, that there is something wrong with you if you want something different than what mainstream media presents. We wax off all of our body hair, get plastic surgery, and airbrush everything, so that both men and women now are faced with images on magazine covers and in movies that set up an expectation that we have to then reconcile both about who we are and about what we are supposed to want. What if the thing that really gets you going is the image of some big hairy lumberjack…who may be sporting a roll around his middle but has incredibly powerful shoulders? Can a woman just be attracted to man because of what he represents as a being without having to also fantasize about him having rock hard abs and a bank account to rival Donald Trump?
I have been hearing women talk about these issues relating to what they think society expects of us, but when I flipped it around and looked at it from the male perspective, something clicked into place for me. If men can’t even be real, then what have we done to ourselves as a culture?It seems to me that the more we commercialize sex, and our own bodies, and the more we simplify our desires, the more we lose something important about our humanity.
Maybe explored a lot of the same issues? Okay, probably not.
Geez, I can go on…
One thing that bothered me at a deep level was when I played back a Charlie Brown specialon DVR for my girls. I had recorded it off the ABC Family channel. The ads that were flashing during the commercials were for this show that featured a bunch of adolescent girls, made up to look like Playmates. They had perfect hair, and full coat of makeup including shiny lipstick and high heels. The show looked like nothing more than a soap opera to me, not something that should be advertised when small children could see it.
Are we saying she’s not legit edgy? Or that she just shouldn’t hang out with Charlie Brown?
I was horrified and watched myself with no small amount of humor,ban any more ABC Family shows. So, that was interesting, here I am this person who talks about sex with anyone who will listen, who writes what most would consider pretty explicit stuff, who talks as honestly and openly about sex as I can with my daughters, but then when it comes to my girls watching this dreck, I turn into my grandmother.
And I think actually that this reconciles perfectly. I want my girls to grow up with a healthy image about what they are supposed to look like, what their friends are supposed to look like and how they should behave and get by in the world. This should apply for them, and for the men and women they choose to share their lives with.
Look at Charlie Brown. Here boys and girls are unique, and each has his own characteristics and something about them that makes them special, and at least as I watch it, the implication is that they will grow up in the world and find all sorts of interesting things to do. With the show I saw ads for, the focus was only on relationships, how to snare a boy, and how to make him the focus of your life.
My exhaustive research has led me back to this!
So my sense is that if we look to anything mainstream as a way to understand ourselves we will be making a huge mistake. This is why books are so valuable, especially the weird ones. Even books that people look down on are more nuanced than anything on television or in the movies.
6.
Bet you didn’t even know there was a European Remix!
Dancing is a recurring thing in the book. It’s a recurring thing with me at weddings – I’m already making plans to start a conga line to Footloose at Tracey Hansen’s wedding. Were you a dancer? Should we maybe all be more dancer and less whatever the hell else we’re currently doing?
Only if that is your thing. I have a friend who sits meditation. He says he gets his energy from meditation, and he thinks, and I would agree, that I get mine from dance. I think we all should be doing what works for us.
I would definitely encourage people who are afraid of dancing to give it a try though. Conga lines have never been my thing but something like that would be a great introduction for the newbie. Take lots of pictures!
I took lessons pretty intensely for about a year and went out at least four times a week for quite a while. I almost had a formal partner for Tango and had plans to go to Argentina and study there before I met my husband. I am not an especially graceful dancer and despite the fact that I love the Argentine Tango, and have lots of fun with Salsa, I am a horrible follow. I still do it but I am awful at it.
The deal is to try and fail and try again and enjoy yourself. That is what dance is all about for me. Like sex, like running, like any other physical activity, when the whole body is involved, it can take you to a different place and in doing that can be quite expansive.
7.
Is anyone in movies or TV doing anything erotic right or is it just the same old Cinemax tropes over and over?
I feel like all I see are tropes but I am also having my eyes opened to the fact that I haven’t been looking in the right places. I think I touched on this in some of my previous answers too.
It’s not like MTV was gonna keep renewing Remote Control forever.
What I am finding is that when I am open to learning about something, the examples sort of fall in my lap. Check back with me, I am sure that I will have something for you soon. For now, what I like is still found in books and a few offbeat places. Did you see the videos from my launch? Maureen O’Donnell does this tribal belly dance that is incredible to watch, especially live. This was not only sexy, but unique and interesting. I have never seen anything like it.
8.
Music or not? If yes, what do you listen to when you write? (You get tons of extra points if it involves Hall & Oates).
I have listened to Hall &Oates. “Maneater” especially helps to tap into a certain vamp vibe–this thing I wanted so desperately to be when I was younger.
#VastMustache!
Addressing that need is something that I deal with in my work. I will be listening to more of the stuff that was popular in the 80s as I am working on a book that takes place during that time. There is nothing like Bonnie Tyler to call up a certain type of romanticy angst. Did you know Hall & Oates did a song with my name in it?
I turned around, Bright Eyes.
Music is very important to me, but it is hard to explain what I do with it. Very strong music like Marilyn Manson and Metallica help to tap into a state of outrage or frustration. Also Enigma works well on the flip side. Often the poppier the better, when I first started Sex and Death in the American Novel I was listening to Lady GaGa. The working title of the book was Bad Romance until only a couple months before it was published.
…or as I like to call her “My Future Ex-Wife”
As I write the first draft, I listen to music, usually pretty loud, and then keep that music around to listen to later on. How I use music tends to be a lot about accessing a specific feeling or if this makes sense, sort of holding the emotional energy so I can get back to it when I need it. When I am trying to really work I need quiet, often the monsters in my head are loud enough, but other times, like when I am revising, or copy editing, I may use something like Bach or Tangerine Dream.
9.
Book Trailer Break!!!
When it’s just not happening–you know–the words, what do you do? How do you get away, re-focus, clear your head?
Physical activities serve to get me the fuck out of my head and back to what got me excited about what I was working on.
Like this? No wait, that’s what Tess Hardwick does.
I am big on running or walking outside, or at the gym if I have to.
That’s what Tracey Hansen does.
Dance is something I am doing more lately, but don’t get to go out to do it as much as I would like. The launch party was a notable example. I was high from that for at least a week.
Yeah, but are you also a welder?
10.
What’s the balance for you between being a writer, being a wife, being a mom, having a life? Do you find yourself being a slightly different person when you’re engaged in different parts of your life–or are you always just Sarah? (Sometimes I’m LBJ–but my therapist tells me to run with it).
Yes, run with it J
Since I was pretty young I have been able to compartmentalize different parts of my life and myself. I am still me and my values are the same, but I handle different people in my life differently. Once in a while someone from one of my mommy groups wants to talk about writing or editing, and it feels a little like the world is tipping.
I find the balance difficult. When I do anything I like to do it fully and often it is hard to switch to something else. Often I feel like I am torn in different directions, like I’ll want to do two things in the same amount of time, like finish a book and read to my daughter before it is time to go to bed.
Mostly now I am doing the writer promoter thing and running kids around during the day. Here I want to say that this is something that would be much more difficult if I didn’t have the husband that I have. He is very centered on the family and so he handles a lot of domestic tasks and of course stays with the girls when I have to go to a conference, or when I write in the evenings. I am not sure how couples who both write do it. I am sure you can make anything work, but this balance is hard for sure.
Different parts of my day are for different things. Early mornings are sacred writing time, then the girls get up and I have to get them ready for school. For a couple hours while my youngest is in school I work, then I pick her up and we run errands, and I do the domesticated wife routine. At least three nights a week I get to work more or run to different events and activities. At bedtime I read to my youngest and then my oldest will get into bed with me and we will read side my side. I love that.
11.
What’s next? Maybe not what book is next – more like what amazing goal is next? How will Sarah Martinez next make it rain?
I am working on my next book, but as a part of that research I am learning all this great stuff that I mentioned before about the men’s movement and male sexuality–not as the silly or brutish thing it is always portrayed as, but as something worth real attention from the female perspective. I have found four men without even trying who are doing amazing sex writing, or honestly talking about sexual issues and I will be doing a series of blog posts where I get to ask them questions about writing and sex. A couple of these guys are really radical so I expect this to be pretty exciting.
There is no question in my mind that this dude is in touch with his feelings.
The thing with this is that I was very heavily focused on my own frustration and that of the women around me when I wrote Sex and Death. Most of the men I was in intimate relationships with that I could have potentially had real discussions with were too hung up on proving their “manhood” and couldn’t talk honestly, and also were just not very articulate.
Did you ask this guy?
Since I have started writing and talking to writers, there is a more open atmosphere and also being older has helped too I think, both in my level of ability to listen and in the people I have been talking to.
A good writer friend and I had a discussion about a year ago and this was the first time that it occurred to me–in a way that made me change my own line of thinking– that men were subjected to their own set of pressures. What he said sounded similar to what I hear some women say about what keeps them from being who they want to be. Satisfying this craving for knowledge and experiencing this connection that had nothing to do with having sex with this man, made me really happy. For once I felt like I had achieved understanding. Something real had happened.
Many times in my life I had felt like discussions with men were mostly a build up to sex or a build up to the eventual let down that would be not having sex or whatever.
What if he’s being legit, Molly Ringwald?
Or the tension that comes with not talking about it. Now I am talking to people about things that are important to people. I hope to be able to share that with others who may be as ignorant as I was.
Thanks Sarah, you have taken us to school!
How could you not click this picture now?!?
Vivianna Post is the family anomaly. Daughter of a Pulitzer Prize winner and an academic, she has never quite fit her parents’ expectations as a free-spirited erotica writer. When Vivianna encounters the award-winning author Jasper Caldwell at a nightclub, all she wants is to blame him for blowing off her brother at a writers’ conference the year before and possibly causing his suicide. But as the night—and then the weeks—wear on, Vivianna finds herself drawn to Jasper in ways she cannot understand. When their differences—literary and sexual—threaten to pull Vivianna and Jasper apart, Jasper rediscovers Alejandro, an old friend who just might have the power to complete them both in every way. Using quotes and references to classic erotic and literary icons, Sex and Death in the American Novel is on one level an unconventional romance and on another a discussion of the merits of erotic literature.
Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat…?
Click for Time Zombie transportation!
Billy Purgatory is a man plagued by questions – about his mother’s disappearance, his love-hate relationship with vampire fatale Anastasia, and why the Time Zombie keeps stealing his girlfriends. The search for answers frequently leads him into danger and the darker corners of the world, corners he would prefer not to see.
In his quest for answers, Billy begins using the Zombie’s powers for his own designs, hurtling into the past in a time-bending attempt to create an ideal present. No one can predict the outcome of such a plan – especially not Billy. This time, his adventures take him high above the African plains, through the sleek, marbled halls of a mysterious mansion brimming with sinister science, and across the U.S. on a heated road trip with none other than Anastasia at his side. Vampires, demons, and an evil cabal known simply as the Satanic Five are all hot on his trail.
Some answers don’t come easily…but that’s never stopped Billy Purgatory.
“So, would Nancy Drew actually be a werewolf? Or just raised by werewolves?”
Fall is uponeth you! (unless you live in maybe New Zealand or Antarctica because I’m not really sure how science works and it might not be the same there because they’re upside down).
Science. Respect, bitches!
As many of you probably don’t know because how could you because I haven’t told anyone and it’s not like I ever Tweet or anything,
I have been furiously putting the final touches on the sequel to Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird (Book 1 in the series, if you’re into counting and the alphabet and that kinda nonsense).
This!
Wait…
No…
This:
From my Science Adviser Dr. Shay West: “But they are…aren’t they??? I’ll need to go down and observe for myself. So you buy the plane ticket and I’ll do the research.”
Writing a sequel has been a long and grueling process and it has proved to be a lot of financial responsibility on my part. My accountant keeps assuring me that we can write the tequila costs off as research but he’s not sure sure about the massages. I really feel like my writing arms have to be limber for me to achieve maximum output. This should also justify the manicure expenses and the tanning bed. I’ve also been on a strict diet of Taco Bell and Zima:
This infographic was created for purely educational purposes.
I have had the love and support of the entire Booktrope family the whole way through this exhausting process.
“Do you still write books?” – Tess Hardwick, Riversong
“It’s just… you’ve been drinking a lot of malt-liquor and I’m really not sure if running scenes using LEGOs and not just making an outline is the most useful way to brainstorm” - Steven Luna, Joe Vampire
They have cleared me to release the tantalizing (which is like a bedazzled-Tarantula if you really think about it) official description for Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five. Please sit down and brace yourself before reading any further. I don’t have any money and can’t be responsible if you fall down or didn’t take your Flintstones Blood-Pressure Gummisaurs yet today:
Billy Purgatory is a man plagued by questions – about his mother’s disappearance, his love-hate relationship with vampire fatale Anastasia, and why the Time Zombie keeps stealing his girlfriends. The search for answers frequently leads him into danger and the darker corners of the world, corners he would prefer not to see.
In his quest for answers, Billy begins using the Zombie’s powers for his own designs, hurtling into the past in a time-bending attempt to create an ideal present. No one can predict the outcome of such a plan – especially not Billy. This time, his adventures take him high above the African plains, through the sleek, marbled halls of a mysterious mansion brimming with sinister science, and across the U.S. on a heated road trip with none other than Anastasia at his side. Vampires, demons, and an evil cabal known simply as the Satanic Five are all hot on his trail.
Some answers don’t come easily…but that’s never stopped Billy Purgatory.
As you can see, that kinda badassary don’t grow on trees. It took Evel Knievel months to plot out that jump over Snake River Canyon, and I’m sure it involved a ton of science and hookers to get everything just right. Well, I can’t be sure about both of those components.
What I can be sure of is that it’s almost Halloween, and very soon Billy Purgatory will skate again!
People always ask me, “Jesse James, is it true that you live solely on a diet of Shiner Bock, Fruity Pebbles, and mushrooms that grow in your backyard?” I must admit, that while that diet sounds not only delicious + nutritious that you have to factor in a little more than that to your day to day routine if you’re gonna keep writing books. Writing books ain’t like dusting crops, boy – it takes all your electrolytes firing like it’s Gun Club Day at the Bunny Ranch.
I never expected to go into a career that involved so much mental stamina – I figured that I’d be dry-walling or working mall-security to earn my daily bread. Let’s face it, I look damn good tooling around a mall parking lot in a golf-cart.
I own that shit.
But since being a writer-type was thrust upon me, I had to start shake-and-bakin’ more than my money-maker. I realized that I had to get some serious props happening in the kitchen if I was gonna survive my excruciating routine of:
1) Research (ie watching Fox News on mute while drinking coffee. I’m talking to you, Jenna Lee)
2) Writing (texting Jennifer Gracen and asking her where commas go and what the hell a semi-colon is – and why you can’t just use un-semi-colons all the time? Especially now that I learned how to Tetris those two periods on top of one another)
3) Book Marketing (Tweeting with Steven Luna all day about how vampires are too damned proud to take jobs at Hot Topic, even though they were un-born for a job like that. The mall stays open late and all and seriously – who would you trust more to turn up their nose at you and give a snarly, “I know you are not thinking you’ve got the earlobes to pull off those dangling Ankh hoops, girl.”)
Christi Price and I talk about all the stuff you can slice up with a Ginsu knife too. We might quit book-marketing all together and bring that shit back like a boss!
So yeah, keeping it real means knowing your way around the kitchen!
In honor of this very patriotic holiday we’ve had mid-week this year, I made the executive decision to not spend the day building stuff with LEGOs and then blowing it up with Black Cats.
And instead, Bake a Legit-Damn Ham!
You might be asking yourself, “I wanna bake a Legit-Damn Ham too, why didn’t I think of that?” Well, because there are leaders in the ham game, and there are followers. I’m not gonna point out which of us is which because I don’t want you getting all pissed off and unfollowing my blog or starting some campaign on Twitter like I just said that Bieber doesn’t secretly wanna have your kittens.
Still, gaze upon my wonders and despair!
“What’s the recipe?” See, I’m reading your mind like I’m one of those spoon-bending psychic som’bitches (which I just might be, I haven’t finished listening to all the 18 cassette Unlock Your Mind Power And Go Giza On The World’s Ass series yet).
You will need:
A Ham, or some vegan substitute, which I guess would look a lot like a ham but it’d be made of soybeans and sprouts or something awful.
You will need a means to cook said ham. I like to use a really hot fire – and although I don’t necessarily use the full potential of my equipment (my baking equipment!), you might consider using a blow-torch or maybe a laser in case you need to get the temp up to like 10,000 degrees.
A pineapple. This is pretty self-explanatory. If they don’t have pineapples in the grocery store where you live steal one from a koala bear or some other animal that eats pineapples because we are the top of the food chain and we deserve it more than they do. Snatch it quick though, ’cause they bite and it’s really hard to type this blog post when my fingers are still bleeding.
A can of those fancy cherries. I like to hit one of those ritzy-hotel bars a day or two in advance and keep asking for extra cherries. You can smuggle them out in a cocktail napkin with all the numbers you got because you look sensitive when you’re drinking stuff with cherries in it and you tell women that you’re Bill Gates’ son Larry Balderdash Gates the III’rd. (add the III’rd part on there or the women aren’t gonna buy your story – and don’t tell them you left the jet out in the parking lot because women are way too smart to fall for that).
Put the fire to it and BOOM! #legitDamnHam
You do it right and you’ll have food for a week, can survive whatever plague is gonna kill us now that that Large Hard-On Collider found that piece of glitter or whatever it is they were looking for, and you might get your own TV show and get to hang out with…
Class dismissed!
Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.
Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer.
Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.
I get a chance to read books sometimes. I figured out, kinda to my dismay, that when you start outlining books, making notes for books, flow-charting plot lines, editing, actually writing them, editing, then editing, and more damn editing, you don’t have as much “ME” time as you used to have when you were a slacker. When you would wear your pajama bottoms and a feed store cap for days on end while drinking Schlitz beer and playing Super Mario Bros. Even though that in itself was a grueling schedule – there was occasionally time to read a book.
I’m glad that I made time for this one – it was compelling, dark, dramatical (that’s so a real word), emotional, edge of your seatness, and thrilling. Now, with everything I just typed and from reading this blog I know what you’re thinking: This is more crap about a secret space alien conspiracy involving the woodchuck overlords in power armor suits fighting against elves that bake cookies and hunt chupacabras – but NO!
And while everything I’ve just listed should one day be a book, this book is actually about a real life kinda girl named NIcole – someone just like someone that you and I have surely known in our day to day real lives (they exist, get off Facebook for a minute and stop checking in that you’re at Old Navy). Nicole is one of those people who has real hopes and dreams about her future – but she’s haunted by something terrible that happened to her. She makes the decision to move on with her life and leaves her small town home and moves to the big city, but life just won’t seem to let her get over her past and she slowly starts to make ever-increasing bad choices as to how to proceed with her life.
Sometimes even when we think we’re doing the right thing and making the best choices that we possibly can in how to deal with our reality we end up telling ourselves that we need certain things to survive. If we let this story we’ve concocted in our heads get the best of us, then we end up creating a reality for ourselves that is far worse than the one we’re trying so hard to escape from.
Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales has over 40 5-Star Reviews on Amazon and is completely legit FREE for your Kindle. True, it’s no Witches VS Robots, but it’s still one of the best books I’ve read in a long time!
I don’t want to really get into where I ran across this. I don’t really have to as it’s pretty self explanatory. Some class-A nutjob thinks aliens or whatever are out to get him. I’m just throwing it out there, I didn’t write it so don’t bitch at me about the spelling and grammar and general crazy talk. I tried to post it in Times New Roman for the guy but I can’t make WordPress do that. Oh, and i snagged the picture off Google, I have no idea why as I don’t think the guy even gets to the UFO part. So anyway, here goes…
i would like to tell you about the ufo abduction which took place on my person on december 19th of 19 and 97.
this account has been typed personally by me three times previous to this session. i am typing this again because i have become convinced
that the previous incarnations of this record (which were all professionally bound and typed in times new roman typefont which is the most common
font used by business professionals around the globe). these records vanish periodically when my medication has been tampered with.
i know who tampers with it and if you are reading this and i know that you are you know who you are and that you HAVE tampered with not only my medication which
has to be given in correct dosage or i run the risk of major danger to my personal health and welfare. while we are on the subject, i would like to state that no matter
what you might be guessing at this moment i am of sound mental health. aside from a small puncture wound on my left calf which i have determined is either
a spider bite or perhaps the work of a bird (perhaps a redbird. i don’t think that’s relavent but i do not wish it to seem that i have hidden information about any illness)
none of the above matters. i will once again type this to you in times new roman typeface. my abduction occured along farm and market road 8180. if you have a reference guide
such as a map which labels rural landscapes then you can perhaps locate this road for yourself. i am not going to give nearby cities nor even the state for issues of privacy.
i do not wish for this record to be stolen as the other records have been. if perhaps you find a copy of what i am currently typing and you are now reading then perhaps you will
keep it safe. if it is PROFESSIONALLY BOUND as would be the case if it were given to a printer of means and merit who has the proper equipment to accomplish this task.
I DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER USE SPIRAL NOTEBOOKS.
if you find a record of an abuction which is contained within a spiral notebook then i can guarantee you under penalty of purgery that this record is a fake and not one which i
have prepared.
please if you find a record of my aduction bound as i have indicated it is my property and i would ask that you keep it safe and return it to me at a later date when it is safe for
me to let the world know my location. yes, i am near farm and market road 8180, yet i cannot reveal more at this time. please do not ask for more information on my location
as it is not safe for you or i should you be reading this and know that i was in fact abducted by intelligences of a world which is not of the earth and has never flown the flag of the
united states (or the united nations as such. please do not inquire about the united nations at this time). please keep any record you find of the events of december 19th which are in direct relation to
my abduction and consequental meeting of envoys from a place which does not correspond with any known place on the earth. terra firma, no.
terra underfirma, perhaps.
it is no coincidence that humans are buried beneath the ground. or at times are burned to ash as were the ancient vikings. either way, the souls of human beings can be intercepted by the envoys. please do not ask me what the envoys have said at this time.
if you find a record of my abduction, please place it within a safety deposit box within a bank which has a large vault constructed of reinforced concrete. lead shielding is optional yet always encouraged.
do not attempt to find me. soon the soviets will look out their windows and they will see not the city squares of the collective workers but they will gaze upon the washington monument.
this was typed within times new roman typeface. thank you.
Heather Huffman is an author and activist who has written tons of books that get lots of acclaim: Throwaway, Suddenly A Spy, Ties That Bind, Jailbird, Ring Of Fire, and now, Tumbleweed.
Author and Activist Heather Huffman!
My favorite title is Suddenly A Spy, because it sounds like a Choose Your Own Adventure book – Heather says that it’s not one of those books and that you have to read it all the way through – which was confusing for me at first when I tried to read some of it. Where’s the part where it goes: “If you wanna be a spy (suddenly) turn to page 37″ “If you don’t wanna be a spy and keep working at The Gap turn to page 44″?
I didn’t know Heather that well at first – but I keep hearing her name said in quiet whispers around the Booktrope Fortress Lair (which is located underneath that Space-Needlepoint thing in Seattle) – so I was like – Who is this writer lady? Look’it all the books she wrote. How come she’s written more books than me? Why don’t I write more books? Why am I craving cupcakes? Am I pregnant?
I asked KSears if I could interview her and she said, “We’d rather you not contact Heather – she’s busy writing. Nobody told you to talk. Finish making those copies. I have to go to a meeting. Go get me cupcakes.”
"Cupcakes, bitch!"
Luckily, Heather Huffman has a blog (*blog plug*) called Heather Huffman. It was pretty easy to Google it and find her email address. I did get a little distracted because I kept finding pictures of llamas dressed up in Halloween costumes. Okay, that search was totally unrelated – but still…
So I sent Heather an email with my questions – and then her lawyers called me – but then she sent the answers back. So – without further French-words, here’s Author Heather Huffman, classing the joint up!
1. So, you write books about badass chicks and love and stuff like that. Please break some cinder blocks of knowledge over our skulls about what the make-up is of the perfect female protagonist in this modern age.
I can’t answer without first saying thank you for having me as a guest on your blog. I’m really excited to have my turn at badassary.
I don’t know that there is a perfect female protagonist – as different as the heroines in my story are, there’s always someone who loves them and someone who hates them – but I do think a modern-day leading lady should be strong, intelligent, and just as likely to save the hero of the story as he is to save her.
2. Tons of people have downloaded your novels, like big numbers which takes one of those fancy calculators that multiples and divides Pi to compute.
Shit blew my calculator up more than Jay-Z's phone!
Statistically, they can’t all be females reading these books, even though there are tons more females on the Earth – the ladies live longer because guys tend to die from drinking too much beer and eating chicken wings or the occasional pretending to be Batman and trying to jump off a roof.
This is the Hemingway event which is in all of our futures!
My hypothesis is that dudes are digging these books of yours too – what sort of feedback have you gotten from men who are still alive and reading your books?
While I question your math on this one, I do have quite a few male readers. My favorite was the reviewer who described himself as a “grizzled old guy.” Usually they say they feel like they shouldn’t like my books but do. Throwaway and Jailbird seem to be the most popular among my male readers, but not always. My husband says they would all make good date night movies.
3. You’ve said you hope to point a spotlight on the despicable practice of human trafficking with your work – a deplorable practice which is very un-badass. What can the general citizen of the planet do to help raise awareness and do their part in the fight against this crime against humanity?
Don a cape and mask and go knock down doors… no, wait… In truth, I think the number one thing the average person can do is to be aware of the products they buy. The websitewww.slaveryfootprint.orgdoes a pretty good job of opening our eyes to what kinds of products are made by slaves and how we can avoid using them. For my family, we have reduced our consumerism so we can afford to buy Fair Trade products when possible – those are products certified to be made in a way that is socially and environmentally responsible. I can’t necessarily afford to buy everything fair trade, and some things just aren’t available fair trade yet, but I try – and I make what I can for myself as another way to reduce our “slave footprint.”
Please join the fight!
Anyone from pretty much any walk of life can donate money to organizations that fight human trafficking. I’ve created a couple of online campaigns to give my readers an easy way to donate as little as $10 to the cause. You can find my campaigns at http://www.crowdrise.com/heatherhuffmanbooks. As I forge new relationships with organizations on the front lines, I’ll be adding more campaigns. (There are a couple in the works at the moment that I’m really excited about, so check back soon!) I’m always thrilled to get donations to these groups, and I’m always looking for help spreading the word. If you have a Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest account, share one of my Crowdrise campaigns with the world. You’ll fight evil and put a smile on my face at the same time.
We can also fight human trafficking by being more aware of how our children are behaving online. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, the largest demographic of newly trafficked people in the United States is American-born girls between the ages of 12 and 14. Most parents and teenagers don’t realize that human traffickers can and do use Facebook and other online sites to hunt for victims. I’m on Facebook myself, but it makes sense to be aware how much information you put out there and to realize that anything put online isn’t private, regardless of any privacy settings you might think are in place.
If you want to learn more about human trafficking,Polaris Project is a great place to start your research.
4. You write about love, so you must believe it’s a real thing – I mean, it’s not like those fantasy guys that look like Santa Clause who write about dragons and unicorns and stuff?
"...and then the unicorns said, "We can't allow a Care Bear king to take the throne!"
You’re buying into what you’re selling right? Why do you think that true love can be so hard to attain, and sometimes so hard to keep a handle on?
Or do you believe any of that at all?
"I know."
Anything worth having takes work, right? I do believe in love, but I think we tend to discount the amount of work that goes into it. I met my husband, Adam, when I was 19 – we were married when I was 20. That was just over 14 years ago. We have had more than our fair share of ups and downs, many of those because we had no clue how much work it would be! Of course, every time we think we’ve got it figured out, something new throws us for a loop.
One of the reasons love is so hard to attain is that we’re all looking for that perfect person, and he (or she) doesn’t exist – because he (or she) is human and flawed, just like we are. I also think we head into relationships completely unprepared for the moment we’ll fall out of love. That’s when we have to choose to stick with the person and ride out the storm. That’s easier said than done, and I’ve come very close to jumping ship a time or two myself!
There are times I’m still not sure I’ll keep him – or I think it would be so much easier to stay married if we could have his and hers houses – but in the end, Adam is my best friend. That’s what keeps us together when things get ugly. And life will get ugly.
5. Do you have a ‘writing process’ and does it involve magic? What about technology? Do you think witches and or robots are lying in wait for us to let our guard down so they can take over the planet?
Okay, I can think of lots worse apocalypses.
I’m so glad you brought that up: It’s only a matter of time before control of the planet shifts to the robot witches, and people need to be made aware of this pending crisis.
As for the writing process, the finer details change from novel to novel. In general, an idea starts when I dream a scene from the book. The next morning, I jot the scene down so I don’t forget it. Sometimes a scene can wait on my computer for years before it gets its turn to become a book. Sometimes it only takes a few weeks.
This interview has made me realize that NOBODY is doing Witches VS Robots - guess who has a new book idea to pitch!
When it is a particular novel’s turn, I stew over it while I research the settings and underlying issues, come up with character names, and spend some time just thinking about the story. During this time, I put together a soundtrack that captures the feel of the book and I think of what actors would play the leading roles if it was ever made into a movie – they might seem silly, but those two steps are really important for me to get the feel for a book.
"That's a really stupid idea for a book. Are you talking to Heather Huffman?!? Where are my cupcakes!?"
I start writing when the first sentence comes to me. I might know how I want the entire book to go at this point, or I might not even know what the second sentence will be. Once I start writing, I write. Some scenes I can see as clearly as a movie going through my mind, sometimes I have no idea what I want to say when I sit down; my fingers completely surprise me. During this time, I force myself to write at least 250 words a day, even if I think it’s horrible. Otherwise, I might get stuck on a scene and never finish the book. I also guard the book closely at this point – I don’t let anyone even peek at it until it’s finished and I’ve done at least one edit on it because I don’t want anyone’s opinion to sway the story that’s telling itself.
"But KSears, what about all that stuff about Heather Huffman's writing process that she's rambling on about? That's how you got this - she had that first sentence idea and wrote it all down - well, and she bought a pair of boots to pose in for this picture."
I’m currently co-writing a book with a respected colleague, and it’s an entirely new experience for me. It’s fun and terrifying at the same time; I’m curious to see how it turns out!
"What's your first sentence?! "A long time ago there were a bunch of hot witches who got pissed off at a bunch of hot robots"?"
6. What sort of music do you listen to when you write? Or is it mostly silent, like those monks that sing those ‘ooooooh oooooooh ahhhhhhhhhh ohhhhhhhhhhh’ songs – those might not be songs – maybe it’s chanting? Do you chant?
This is my jam!
I make Adam and the boys stand around me and chant while fanning me with palm fronds. Okay, no I don’t do that, but the idea holds merit… I usually put in my earbuds and try to ignore the chaos going on around me. What pipes through those earbuds depends on the book and the mood I’m trying to create – it could be an 80s hair band, Irish Punk, Golden Oldies, Country, or anything in between. There will always be at least a few Springsteen songs on the playlist, though!
"Jesse, are you even still paying attention to this interview? I write books. Like this one. Remember?"
7. Is it true that you used to ride horses in a wild west show and that you can do all kinds of horseback tricks like they do in the Olympics? Well, cause I heard that you don’t use reigns and can do rodeo stuff by hooking a bra strap to a saddle? Talking about rodeo stuff is inappropriate, huh? I should have listened to my therapist.
"Yeah, totally paying attention. Here, I Google'd Bruce Springsteen's ass for ya. And why can't I start a book with, "A long time ago hot witches got pissed off at hot robots?"
For the record, the bra strap trick should only be attempted by professionals on a closed course. In case someone hasn’t heard about that particular feat, I was attempting to mount a horse when I learned the hard way to always double check the stirrups first. Whoever used the saddle last hadn’t put the stirrup back together correctly, so when I went to swing up on the horse, it gave.
This dude hits the ground, cause he bought a cheap K-Mart bra.
I’m certain I’ll never be able to replicate what happened next, but somehow when I fell, I did so in just such a way that the saddle horn slid up my shirt and I found myself hanging by my bra. Thank God the horse was a calm one or the story could have been very different. He just looked back at me and I looked at him, both of us wearing an expression that read, “Now what?”
Since then, I can promise that I have been very careful to always check my saddle before hopping on!
"This is why I wouldn't give you Heather's phone number."
The short answer is that I do ride horses, but no Wild West shows in my past or foreseeable future. For me, one of the greatest pleasures in life is to trail ride on a horse I know and love. (Not the canned trail ride on a horse trained to follow the one in front of it – a real ride on a horse with some spunk!)
8. Can you tell us something about your new book Tumbleweed that you haven’t told like 500 other book bloggers yet. Not that I’m bored with your answers, but I’m pretty sure you’re sick of saying the same crap over and over.
This book right here!
Nonsense. I love saying the same crap over and over again. It brings me joy. If you insist on new content, then I suppose I can think of something. Of course, the only problem with coming up with new content: I can’t remember what I’ve said already. I’m kind of flaky like that.
Okay, I think I’ve got one. I’ve said several times that many of the antics in the book are my own. Yes, I did have a landlord once who shot a hole in my roof on moving day. (If that statement doesn’t make sense to you, then you haven’t read the book. Why haven’t you read the book yet?)
In one scene of Tumbleweed, Hailey protects herself from an intruder with a broadsword. I once launched myself at my husband while wielding a broadsword because I thought he was an intruder. The real-life version was much less exciting than the book version, though. The true tale ended with both of us screaming bloody-murder then reassuring our neighbors that all was well. You’ll have to read Tumbleweed to find out how the fiction version turned out!
It probably doesn't happen exactly like this in Heather's book, so I'm keeping this mental image for Witches VS Robots by Jesse James.
9. What is the greatest chick-flick of all time? You can’t say Princess Bride because everyone does – that Andre The Giant was sexy in his day.
Love machine!
Though Andre the Giant was quite a hottie, I wasn’t going to say Princess Bride. I’m crazy about a good girly movie, and there are a lot of good ones out there, but I have to say Lost in Austen is an absolutely hilarious and swoon-worthy chick-flick – especially for those of us who love Pride and Prejudice to begin with. For anyone who hasn’t seen it, I highly recommend you do.
Wow, no Rachel McAdams?! Thought that was a sure thing. Shit, I owe Tracey Hansen $20 bucks now.
10. What would you say your greatest victory has been so far? What is your greatest victory yet unfulfilled?
Aside from making it through 10 out of 11 questions? So far, I’d have to say it’s a tie between having three of the most incredible sons in the world and being on my current journey with the books. Both are amazing adventures that truly bring me joy.
Greatest victory yet unfulfilled? Question 11. And walking the red carpet with book manager extraordinaire Heather Ludviksson when one of the books gets made into a movie. And having my own little homestead, with goats and chickens and horses.
What can I say? I’m a girl of varied interests.
11. If you were trapped on an island and it was overrun with zombies would you kick all the zombie’s asses and show them that the fire of your human spirit will not be overtaken by the undead – leaving you all alone on the island when they were finished off? Or, you know, maybe zombies are misunderstood, and they’re not all bad zombies, maybe some of them are nice zombies – would you try to make friends with the zombies, so you’d have someone around to hang out with? Nobody wants to be alone on their birthday you know.
I’m afraid the truth will be a terrible let-down. I like the way the fire of the human spirit thing sounded, but I’ve always thought that if I was in a horror flick, I’d be the first to die. I’d sacrifice myself to the zombies just to get it over with because I hate being scared. It just seems like a lot of effort and unnecessary pants-wetting just to watch your friends drop like flies.
Wow, what a horrible way for me to end the interview. Maybe I should go with the fire of the human spirit answer…
Click for Birthday Island Zombie Transportation to Amazon!
Thank you, Heather Huffman!
Heather Huffman writes contemporary romance and romantic suspense with strong female leads who refuse to lose hope. She sees her books as a way to not only entertain, but to also raise awareness of the realities of modern day slavery. She shares the passion of her resilient heroines to make a difference, and so dedicates both her time and a portion of her book royalties to organizations that fight against human trafficking.
Fans of Nora Roberts will enjoy the characters and stories that Heather creates.
Heather was born and spent her early childhood in Florida, but now calls the beautiful state of Missouri home. Her greatest joy, aside from writing, is to hit the road with her three boys for adventures unknown.
Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!
Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.
Jesse James is also the author of the upcoming Witches VS Robots!
What can I say about writer Tess Hardwick that hasn’t already been said?
I'd make a celebrity roast joke, but then I'd have to send a royalty check to Andy Dick.
She left Hollywood in the rearview so she could pursue a more fulfilling path as wife, mother, caretaker to Patches the Dog, and #1 Barnes & Noble best-selling author of Riversong.
Before we get into all this intellectual book-snobbery - honestly - how badass is Patches?!?
Tess and I did not meet on the mean streets of Los Angeles, but we both come from there kinda. I say kinda, because we’re both from places originally that have a lot more to do with close families, big trees nestled amongst serene natural landscapes, and really good food.
In our day to day lives, Tess Hardwick and I could not be more different from one another. She’s a married mommy. I’m a single father raising Pop Pop Zanzibar the dog (okay, that’s kinda ‘in common’). She watches the Lifetime channel. I quit watching TV because I spend my nights down at my moonshine still guarding it against yetis. She drives a mini-van to zumba class. I’m building a functioning jetpack out of LEGOs. She said it best, talking about the two of us, on her blog, Inspiration For Ordinary Life, shortly after we first crossed paths on Twitter:
“Now, I don’t know him well, but my guess is he doesn’t drive a minivan. I’m fairly certain from his tweets and his blog that he’s quite adventuress and I’d have to guess does not live in the suburbs. He definitely does not write “feel good girl books” like me.
But strangely enough, we have a lot in common. We’re both trying to make a living as writers. We have highly developed senses of humor. We have generous hearts.
We both loved the show “Twin Peaks”. He figured out that I live near the diner featured in the show and asked if I would take a photo for him, which I did today. His request made me think about how on the surface, our differences seem to separate us but when we take the time to look slightly deeper, the commonalities we might share become all too obvious.”
"They got a cherry pie that'll kill ya."
Tess really did send me that picture! So yeah, we were both writing, we both got our books out, and we’ve even contributed to a book together now. Guess people from different locales and with different sensibilities can have things in common after all - except when it comes to yetis – neither Tess or I have anything in common with yetis.
Now, prepareth yourselves for the coming of the rain! I didn’t cut her any slack, and now Tess Hardwick sits in the golden tilt-o-whirl of truth as we unfurl another episode of…
11 Questions of Badassary!
1. So you wrote a book called Riversong. There’s intrigue and mobsters and Mexican food and starting restaurants and love. Explain?
Well, I’m sure if you’ve followed my so-called career at all you will see a major theme. I love food. I love to write about food. Whenever I can I mix the two, I do.
There's a hot fireman/musician - try to keep it calm, ladies.
2. We’re both with Booktrope. Our books both came out in 2011. Both of our books have a birth scene in them. Can you compare and contrast?
Let’s see. My book has a brief description of a woman feeling like she’s being torn in half during labor. Your book has a birth scene where an entire hospital staff faces monsters, goblins, witches, guns, axes. It takes an entire group of friends to save the baby. Both our scenes are horrific in their own way. Having given birth, I’m going to have to go with your description as more accurate.
The Valentines Day gift that keeps on giving - tentacles.
b. So your birth scene is more Twilight?
Will I get in trouble if I say I’ve never read it? I only like emotionally unavailable vampires like the one in Billy Purgatory.
c. Walton’s Mountain then?
Yes, definitely more Walton’s Mountain.
Everything I learned about drinking, I learned from these broads.
3. You went to college in LA and used to run around with KSears.
Back in the day!
I’ve heard it told that you and I both met Shannen Doherty once or twice…
Yeah, she was in the backseat of a car sitting next to Christian Slater. I was in the front seat, a little tipsy I have to admit, and not really understanding how big they both were in those days. I wasn’t nearly as impressed with them as they were with themselves. No wonder Hollywood didn’t want me!
"Even Martha Dumptruck is reading Riversong, Veronica."
b. Christian Slater too? Was Scott Bakula there? What about Marni Mann?
Scott Bakula was not there. However, during that same time period, I worked as a waitress at a California Pizza Kitchen at the Beverly Center.
This is what it looks like, so you can roll your eyes and go 'duh' when the Hollywood Tour Guide says, "Author Tess Hardwick used to work here."
Scott Bakula’s former college roommate was our bartender’s ex-roommate. He used to come in all the time and sit at the counter, eating, and catching up with his friend. I was a little star struck because I LOVED him and his show. Now I can’t remember the name of it. C’mon, Jesse, you know which one I mean. He jumped into other people’s bodies and time travelled. It was awesome.
She's talking about this shit.
c. Was Marni painted green?
I can’t tell you the details because I pinkie swore with her that I wouldn’t. I’ll just say this. It was more of a pea green than an avocado green.
"Green Chicks" : Damn you, Google Image Search. Damn you.
4. Riversong has some pretty heavy themes in it. A good portion of the book deals with deciding what do when your life goes through an upheaval and you’re forced out of your comfort zone and have to make tough decisions about how to start over. Was there a time in your life when you had to make similar decisions?
Gawd, only like two or three times now. The first was when I decided to give up on my acting dream and leave L.A.
It was hard to let go of this image I had of myself as an actress, having the sort of life where I was a working actress in theatre, especially. But I was terribly unhappy there and needed to make a big change.
This is what you get when you Google "Oregon"
I used to watch Twin Peaks and Northern Exposure on television and feel so homesick I thought I would die, so it was the right move.
Recently, we changed our whole life when I decided to give this writing thing a real shot. We sold our home and downsized considerably so I could stay home and raise the girls and write. It has been a leap of faith every step of the way.
Just because there's tons of these pictures floating around the internet.
b. Were you running from the mob?
Leaving L.A. felt like running from the mob. I felt like I might not make it, literally, out of there alive if I stayed one more minute.
5. I’m sure that the book was initially aimed at a female audience – but have you heard from a lot of men who read it? What do male readers say about the book?
I’m surprised and pleased by how many men have read it and liked it. I received a fan letter from a 50-year-old male cop saying that he loved it and couldn’t wait for my next book. That was pretty awesome. I think it’s the mobster thing that gets them. Or maybe the sexy parts? Never mind. I shouldn’t have mentioned that. I’m blushing now.
I can definitely see this guy reading Riversong.
Yeah, I can kinda see Sawyer reading Riversong too.
Holy Shit! Really?
6. You’re a pretty busy lady – you’re a full-time writer, a wife, a mother to two girls & Patches, you blog obsessively, take Zumba class, school functions, drinking boxed wine with Ksears — How do you balance and stay focused?
I wouldn’t say I’m well balanced. I work too much and don’t spend enough time just hanging out. I’m either writing, doing mommy and doggie and husband duties, exercising, or sleeping.
Do I really need to caption this?
I’m a little obsessive about my work right now – probably because I feel like I still have so much to learn, and want more than anything to be good at this vocation I’ve chosen. I hope, as I gain skill and confidence that I’ll be able to chill out a little.
7. You left the Pacific NW and went to Los Angeles – then returned, to a place relatively close to home and familiar surroundings. Having lived in LA myself, do you think that you moving back ‘home’ allowed you the focus you needed to be a writer?
If I hadn’t moved back home to the northwest, I cannot imagine that I would be an artist, let alone just a normal, grounded person.
"Some call it soul-sucking, the medical term is actually lipo-suction."
There was a soul-sucking component in Los Angeles (for me anyway) that was like a character or element in Billy Purgatory – somewhere between an emotionally unavailable vampire, Medusa and the Time Zombie.
The Coen Brothers are intrigued about your life, Tess. Keep going...
b. I know having pulled a similar move, my writing output away from LA distractions has increased by 10X. You too?
I am absolutely inspired by the beauty of where I live. Also, the people here are real and down to earth. I hate bullshit and the whole ‘image’ thing and was slowly being suffocated from who I really am every minute I lived there. I would not be a writer if I’d stayed – I don’t think. Although, maybe all that angst I left there would have made me a better writer. Or a different type of writer. I don’t know.
If you Google 'Oregon, not the game where you die of dysentery"
What was I talking about?
8. What are you working on now?
I’m working on what I hope will be a final draft on my second novel, “Duet For Three Hands”. It’s historical fiction set in Georgia and Alabama between 1915 and 1934, told from six different viewpoints – a departure from Riversong in that it’s much more complex and ambitious. I also have a first draft of my third novel, called “Pea Soup” about an illegal adoption ring combined with a pregnancy pact amongst high school girls and a former actress who goes undercover to expose the entire operation.
According to MTV market research, not everybody just wants to read about teenage pregnancy rings...
9. Riversong hit #1 on the Barnes & Noble Nook charts – like above The Help and whatever trash Dr. Phil had out at the time. What was running through your mind when you heard and then logged in to see your book at #1?
Honestly, it didn’t seem real. I kept looking at BN.com’s site over and over to make sure it was truly there. And then, for it to last the whole week – that was just a gift I never expected. I’ll never forget the moment, because it was a long journey from deciding to take myself seriously as a writer to seeing it there. Of course, now I’m obsessed with why I’m not higher on the Amazon list. We writers are crazy this way. Or maybe that’s just me?
KSears is just out of frame stage left, according to MTV market research not everybody just wants to read about boxed-wine...
b. Did you feel vindicated? Come on, what was the bitch’s name who used to turn her nose up at you being a writer that you then got to rub her face in it?
I never had anyone turn up their nose to my face – it was more the silent, patronizing looks at dinner parties when I first started telling people I was writing. I know no one thought I could actually pull it off, so to see my book there, it felt pretty good.
Also, there was a professor at acting school when I was at USC that told me I’d never play anything but maids because of my low-pitched speaking voice and the fact that I’m not a long-legged, lean beauty. So now I feature vile women in my books based on her. So that feels good.
Playing a maid worked out for this chick. Tess hates ladders, though.
10. Virtually cast a Riversong movie for us.
Lee: Nicole Kidman
But like, which Nicole-Kidman-Hairstyle, Tess?
Tommy: Benjamin Bratt
Linus: Allan Cumming
Mike: An acting teacher I had at USC named Jim Wilson. No one but Sears will get that.
Didn't I just warn her there were tons of these floating around the internet?
Cindi: Melissa McCarthy (the really funny one from Bridesmaids).
Zac: Seth Green
Billy: I have no idea. Jesse, you have to come up with this one. Someone goofy but sweet.
Uh, like this dude?
b. What if Riversong had a supernatural/horror spin on it. What monsters would you have attack Lee and the town?
Definitely ghosts. Like old logging and pioneer types with axes in their chests or oozing yellow stuff from rattlesnake bites; kind of Children From the Corn or something, all escaping from the town cemetery.
"You wanna start a fancy restaurant, nice pregnant lady? Fancy like Sizzler?"
11. A song by Snow Patrol gave you the idea for Riversong. How Important is music to plotting out scenes in your head? What do you listen to when you write?
I love music more than I could possibly describe. I especially love what I call Americana music, which consists of folk, old country, southern rock-n-roll and sad girl singers like Patti Griffin, for example.
You can Google 'Snow Patrol' all day and never find a picture this awesomelishiously badass!
However, I do not write to music, because I find the poetry of it distracting – I don’t want other artist’s words in my head when I’m trying to come up with my own. However, I use it for plotting and story, and coming up with characters – not even intentionally but just when I’m either driving in the White Whale (my minivan) or out for walks (now with Patches) or cooking. Music inspires me and sometimes will just give me an image or an idea that blossoms into something larger, like the Snow Patrol song, “Chasing Cars” did. I had this image of a woman blossoming, I think because the musicality of the song reminds me of a flower blooming, like Lee does during Riversong, and also their line,“A garden bursting into life.”
And, while your trigger-finger is on the book buying button…
When Lee Tucker’s husband commits suicide, he leaves her pregnant and one million dollars in debt to a loan shark. Out of options, she escapes to her deceased mother’s dilapidated house located in a small Oregon town that, like her, is financially ruined, heartbroken and in desperate need of a fresh start. Lee’s resilience leads to a plan for a destination restaurant named Riversong, to new chances for passion and love, and to danger from her dead husband’s debt as her business blooms.
Author Tess Hardwick assembles a colorful cast of endearing small-town characters and takes you on a journey that will make you believe in the possibilities of life – even in the face of overwhelming adversity and unimaginable grief. Lee Tucker is the kind of woman you find yourself rooting for long after the last page is read.
A surprising mix of romance, humor, friendship, intrigue and gourmet food – Riversong entertains while reminding you of life’s greatest gifts.
“Riversong is totally badass – Batman read it!” – Jesse James Freeman
I have gathered you all here today to talk about my new novel, the epic love story of our age, Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird. There has never been (I quizzed some chicks hanging out in the Romance section of Barnes & Noble) a tale which so richly embodies what it means to be hopelessly in love. If you’re looking for shirtless pirate dudes that look like that guy who sells that fake butter on TV, you have come to the right place.
This should be an internet rule: DO NOT Google 'shirtless pirate dudes'
Billy Purgatory is, I dare say, the new template for romantical fiction. I know tons about this subject, being in touch with my feminine side and all that nonsense, and it will be my pleasure to show you just exactly what an expert I am and prove my point.
Why is this not a relationship status choice on Facebook?
I am friends with tons of writers, but the ones who I really feel a connection with are those who are in the heart-string-pulling business. My sisters and I are in the trenches every day, sipping lattes and typing away on our laptops with the Hello Kitty stickers, trying to bring some class and culture to the general readership population of the world. It’s not only our goal, but our immense joy, to push on your little cold-dead-heart.
You tell him, sister!
That heart of yours: The very emotionally destitute organ that got all stomped on the last time you trusted someone’s profile pictures were current on Match.com. That heart that believed the phrase, “It was just a barista, they aren’t real people.”, or, “How can I be fully invested in our relationship when my guild is taking such a beating in World of Warcraft? That just wouldn’t be fair to you.”
Love is a tough business, especially for a rainmaker. I have taken my knocks to the head from the whack-a-romance hammer. People like to categorize me and my writing into these really unfair boxes – they say I’m not in touch with my feelings and that I don’t understand what it means to share stuff, and – like – talk to other human beings about adult topics. I am here to express to you that I have feelings, and they are legitimate. I am not some reality-TV automaton attention-whore who makes it all about me. I want to share secret love poem what-have-you’s with that special someone.
Don’t try and put Baby in a corner! I will not let you box me in. Just because I like barbecue, and motorcycle explosions, and gunfire, it doesn’t make me at all distant to your inner monologue of candy-cane hopes and dreams, or crying, or beautiful sunsets.
In life, and in literature, it’s time for love outside the box! Okay, that just didn’t sound right…
That'll teach that dude to smack-talk Downton Abbey.
Anyway.
Nobody has taught me more about girl-type books than author Tess Hardwick.
I didn't have a Tess comic book panel to put here. I did consider Gwen Stacy, though.
She wrote a book called Riversong, and when I told her I was going to read it she said, “It’s a girl book.” What did that mean exactly? It had girls in it? I like girls just fine. So, I read it and I figured out that what she meant was it had to do with ‘girl problems’. This was unfamiliar territory for me at first, I’d never read anything like it, aside from Wonder Woman comics – and those have an entirely different kind of girl problem – it usually involves Wonder Woman getting kidnapped and tied up. It really makes me think that actual women don’t have anything to do with the creative process of Wonder Woman.
No, Wonder Woman is not kidnapped and tied up in that barn. What is wrong with you people?
What surprised me, were all the parallels I was able to draw between Billy Purgatory and Riversong. The VP at Booktrope, Katherine Sears, explained to me that Riversong was actually something called ‘women’s contemporary fiction’. I asked her what Billy Purgatory was considered and she told me that she had to get off the phone and go to a meeting.
Suddenly, we're at Billy Purgatory and we're back to comics images. Notice the lack of tears this time.
Genre classification should not be sexist – genres should stay out of women’s utereses. So, if Tess can do it – so can I. I have pulled some excerpts from Riversong to illustrate my point. I didn’t ask permission to print any of them, but I have my lawyer on speed-dial.
Riversong is about a woman named Lee whose life becomes unhinged when she finds out that her husband took some money from the mob to start up their tech company and live their fancy life in Seattle. Billy Purgatory is about a boy whose life becomes unhinged because he talks to a giant drunken rooster in his backyard and finds out that his Pop has been lying to him about why his Mom ran off and left them. Mobsters are cool and so are giant drunken Devil Birds – so that’s EXHIBIT A.
Where did all the hot chicks in love go? Why is Quincy M.E. there?
In Riversong, Lee is forced to go on the classic Campbell Hero’s Adventure of self-discovery and learn about herself. In Billy Purgatory, said protagonist is also forced to go on a quest and kinda learns nothing about himself. This does not negate EXHIBIT B in any way, because while Billy remains partially confused throughout the entirety of the book, he loves barbecue potato chips and Tess’s Lee Tucker starts a restuarant in her home town. I feel we’re both going with the tried and true Rachael Ray trope of homestyle comforts in the midst of epic tragedy. So, score one for me again!
Hiding behind that jar of Prego is a love beast ready to be unchained.
Lee meets this guy who’s a Fireman/Musician (I know, it writes itself) and falls madly in love – yet, she’s cautious and gunshy because she’s been hurt before and isn’t sure who she is, or, even worse, who to trust. Allow me to examplificate using Tess Hardwick’s own words:
He smiled but there was something in his eyes and how he wanted to kiss him then, to feel his body next to her. He pulled the ponytail holder from her hair, and she felt him breathe her in and out, the scent of his breath chocolate. “Does your hair smell like strawberries because of it’s color?”
-Riversong
Billy Purgatory meets Anastasia, who is a vampire/sociopath that repeatedly tries, at best, to bite him, and at worst, to kill him. Billy isn’t sure if he should trust her either, because, although she’s really hot, she might not be the best choice for a compassionate and fullfilling relationship:
Long black hair swayed about her back to his approach. She moved in this really great way, like the top part of her body wasn’t attached to the lower. She was the Goth-kid at belly dancing class,and as her hair swung from one side to another, Billy got the flash of gold hoop earrings, which might have been the most out of place fashion enhancement he had ever seen a cold-blooded killer wear.
She downed the beer and threw the now empty bottle at the barred doors of the Tiki bar. A shriek left her lips and mated with the breaking glass to form one continuous frightful war cry. Grown men screamed in terror from the other side of the barred door. Anastasia was having a good time, and she laughed at their fright.
She looked good. Billy knew he really shouldn’t be staring at her ass. He was rubbing his neck as he watched her, he realized that he had stopped and his full attention was on her. Billy pulled it together and jerked his hand from his neck like he’d just touched a hot stove. This action came fast enough so it ended before she looked back and saw him. Ana had been just about to swing the crowbar at the doors of the bar. “Billy Purgatory.” Her face lit up even more. “Want a beer?
-Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird EXHIBIT C: emotionally-unavailable ties it all together.
Anastasia: doesn't bring milk-shakes to the yard
And meanwhile, in Riversong, to further complicate her love life, Lee just happens to be pregnant with her dead ex-husband’s baby (I know where you think I’m going with this – it’s not zombies this time). Billy Purgatory, while not pregnant, has to be born – and this happens in a nifty little flashback I came up with because I watched too much LOST.
Please, grab your Jiffy-Pop and compare and contrast with me:
The doctor, hair disheveled, was between Lee’s legs. “Just one more push and we’ve got a baby.” Lee flopped back onto the hospital bed, looking first at Tommy and then Ellen. She’d pushed for two hours and she was beyond fatigue, almost delirious. “I can’t do it. I’m too tired.” Tommy’s voice was in her ear. “Just one more push and you get to see the baby.”
-Riversong
VS…
“What’s all the commotion?” asked the Doctor. He checked his arm and realized he’d forgotten to put on his wristwatch. “End times, Doctor!” Humphrey screamed and sounded like one of his little sisters when he used to scare them on Halloween. Karma had never met the big teddy-bear of a man in any situation where it was rooting for Humphrey. “Dead moved out of the graveyard.” Emelia drew the sword as the doctor readjusted his ass on the stool. Doc Mitchum didn’t seem at all fazed by the prospect of the end of days, or didn’t hear, or was too pre-occupied by the idea of having a sandwich if this baby could ever be squirmed out. “One more big push. Really try this time. I know it’s hard for your generation to get excited about anything without rock music blaring.” The doctor watched little Billy Purgatory making his entrance into the world: mother and son were really trying, as if they were as anxious as the Doc to move on to the next act. “Come on out, bucket-head,” Doc Mitchum coaxed in his googoo voice. “You got a worthless hippie’s life to lead.
-Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird
In conclusion, what have we learned (beyond the fact that I’m a romance/girl-book genius!)?
A) Finally giving yourself completely over to love and staring into the eyes of the fireman/musician that you’ve come to care for deeply while working through the pain, and magic, of childbirth – comforted in it all by the realization that you have finally completed your quest to build the perfect life for yourself and those you love. That is love right there. That is high romance!
Alright Ladies, you read the whole post almost so I Google'd 'Fireman Musician' for ya. You're welcome.
B) Unsheathing your stolen, dark magically enhanced, +5 sword of undead slaying while giving birth to the skateboarder who is probably (not) going to save the planet from the forces of evil – EXHIBIT D: it just don’t get any more women’s contemporary fiction than that.
Read an amazing book of essays and help in the fight against breast cancer!
Click on the picture to be magically transported to B&N and help in the fight!
Riversong by Tess Hardwick: When Lee Tucker’s husband commits suicide, he leaves her pregnant and one million dollars in debt to a loan shark. Out of options, she escapes to her deceased mother’s dilapidated house located in a small Oregon town that, like her, is financially ruined, heartbroken and in desperate need of a fresh start. Lee’s resilience leads to a plan for a destination restaurant named Riversong, to new chances for passion and love, and to danger from her dead husband’s debt as her business blooms.
Click for Riversong for Nook!
Jesse James Freeman wrote Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird. It’s a stupid book about guy stuff that has vampires and Time Zombies and Sword Witches and skateboards in it. The cool part about it is all the romance, mystery, and exotic intrigue involved as intelligent female characters try their best to interact with Billy and drag any emotion out of him they can get. He, like all men, just doesn’t know how to express his feelings and is completely undeserving of their love.
