I am the Interstellar-Bodhisattva + Billy Purgatory still FREE

Friends (and the nine other people who read this blog), my adventures across the galaxy with the would-be invading Mozrian Saucer Attack Armada have ended.  I have been returned to you after achieving enlightenment (not so much in the wearing robes all day and chanting/eating rice sense, but more like the wow I can’t believe I drank that much and hangovers are so much worse in zero-G sense).

Japanese Zen master Sesso warned, “There is little to choose between a man lying in the ditch heavily drunk on rice liquor, and a man heavily drunk on his own ‘enlightenment’!”

The Saucer-People were forced to bring me back, even though there were many badass things I had yet to teach their space-culture, due to an unfortunate incident on Venus (or as they call it, Las Venus) involving an alien showgirl (before you ask, she did kinda look like Gina Gershon) and the Earth/Solar System at Large Annulment Treaty (which was enacted in secret during the Clinton administration).

The one on the left ('cause I've never been THAT drunk)

So, I’m technically banned from space and have to wear an ankle-monitor which starts blinking like a Mean Girl at the cocaine-jewelry store if I happen to get too high (no, not that kind of high – like on a rocket ship high).  I’m shrugging off the bad stuff and rolling with the punches, because I guess it was time to return to good old planet Earth.  Especially with the vast knowledge of the greater-universe and the nature of philosophy-bullshit and etc that I have now.  I’m pretty sure I was sent back to change the world, kind of like when all those rock stars get together and sing when a kid falls down a well.

 

I don’t want to hit you with all this knowledge all in one blog post.  I feel it’s a lot more fair to the people of our planet if I take time to collect all of my thoughts and arrange them into a 27 volume audio cassette collection, that way your brain won’t explode like Scanners and you can listen and learn at your leisure – or however fast you wanna set up the installment plan to send more tapes via your credit card (except you people with Diners – you know, join us in the 90′s why don’t'cha).

So, listen to me if you want to – and I’ll try my best to explain to you alien stuff.  Oh, and listen to Charlize Theron too, I don’t know why she’s important, but she is.  The aliens refer to her as the High Laser Priestess – they might also be really confused from watching Aeon Flux on a loop (because, it happened to me – but there’s no need to go into my rehab at that place in Malibu story again).

Google needs to up the search potential for 2 Days in the Valley

The saucer’s dropped me off in Orlando, Florida – which is a collection of strip malls and suburban homes all ruled by Mickey Mouse – I felt it was a good and accurate sampling of Americana.  While I was there, I took a walk around Disney World to collect my thoughts (and to drink, because that’s how we roll in Epcot):

First I drank in Germany...

...then I had pizza in Italy.

I went Yeti Hunting!

(I'm totally working my vacation photos into this blog post - pretend you don't notice) I don't know what that thing is across the lake, but it's shiny and that's pretty badass.

My doctor told me to add more fruit into my diet - so I drank mojitos.

Then I called Amy Pond...

... ! ...

...then Amy Pond and I had beers. She talked about how cool it was to be famous and I was like, "Yeah, I know."

Then we captured rhinos together!

After a plane ride (ironically, I sat next to an astronaut on the flight – I’m not making that up),  I again found myself on my secure forest moon of Endor compound, and as soon as I finish typing this blog post and tagging it with stuff like Charlize Theron is a Laser Princess and Gina Gershon in Viva Las Venus, I will again be hard at work on the sequel to Billy Purgatory (Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, etc etc).

"You are under contract for a sequel + mama needs her cupcakes!"

Speaking of Billy Purgatory, I have noticed that it has been FREE the entire time that I was kidnapped by alien saucer girls – I can only assume that my publisher did this because they felt that I was probably dead/never coming back/in space prison and they wanted to honor my memory.  Even though I have lost millions thousands some dollars because of this – I have decided to let the book remain FREE while I finish up the sequel this week.

I urge you to check it out – again, it’s fucking FREE and if you don’t get a copy, and tell your friends to get a copy, and take your grandma’s Kindle from her and download a copy onto it for her (just tell her you’re gonna hook her up and “stop the clock from flashing” – that ALWAYS works) you’ll be letting the space-aliens win!

Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy Purgatory dares you to join him.

FREE Kindle, Click and make it rain!

Check out Joe Vampire on Kindle! It's badassary approved.

Sequel!

Still Alien Abducted + Writers I Admire + Billy Purgatory FREE on Kindle

Greetings brothers and sisters of Planet Earth!  The Mozrian Saucer Armada pulled into a club on the not-so outer-ring of Saturn.  I thought the rave on Pluto last night would have shut these guys and green girls down – but if there’s anything I can report with any certainty to all of you who are scared that aliens are gonna blow you up – it’s that aliens are way too distracted getting their club on to worry about a full-scale invasion.

There's a reason Space-Aliens abducted Randy Quaid.

It’s seriously like you dropped a Kardashian into a shoe store and told her there was a free E! Channel Wedding Coupon hiding in one of the boxes of Jimmy Choo’s – the party is kicking until someone is stumbling out with a new financee and a fancy pair of strappy heels.

Now's your chance, dude - her Fiiii - Ance left her!

So anyway, club life in the outer cosmos doesn’t look like it’s stoppin’ anytime soon.  Meanwhile, while I’m out here trying to get alien girls to notice me – which is a whole set of problems beyond getting regular girls to notice me – back on Earth a lot of people have downloaded their FREE Kindle copy of Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird.  People seem to really be into the idea of checking out what Billy Purgatory is all about + they seem to like getting stuff free too – it’s my pleasure to provide both of these things to anyone who wants them.

Billy Purgatory cover art by the amazing Thomas Boatwright!

A writer who I follow on Twitter by the name of Tim Queeney – who wrote some really cool books that I like, George In London & The SHIVA Compression + runs a really funny site called Height of Eye, was nice enough to read Billy Purgatory and write up a review.  I guess I’m never really prepared fully for people to like the book enough to write a review, much less say stuff like this:

The first few pages of Billy Purgatory seal the deal. You quickly realize that this is no ordinary skatekid, vampire, monster, devil bird book. Billy Purgatory is a phantasmagorical thrill ride into a world of teenage love, blood dripping undead and one of the most outrageously entertaining birth scenes ever written. More than merely a humorous, stylish foray into the horror genre, however, this book also resonates with themes of love, loss and acceptance of the way that life can hold us back, even break us. The last thing you might expect about so entertaining and imaginative a book like this is how touching and ultimately true it is. If there is something about Billy Purgatory that might not work for some readers, it might be the book’s episodic/dreamlike structure that doesn’t move like a standard linear plot. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from grabbing a copy of Billy and going for a wild ride!

The fact he’s a fellow author who I respect and am a fan of just makes it all better.

Billy Purgatory is still bouncing around the Top Ten on Kindle’s Contemporary Fantasy list (#6 last time I checked) and it’s still FREE and I’d love for you to get yourself a copy and I’d love even more to hear what you think about it.  When I get back to Earth, I’m probably gonna charge money for it (if I’m not too hung over from all these future drinks to remember to change the price).

Click for Time Zombie Transportation!

Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy dares you to join him.

Other Earth-Badassary News that I heard about today (via Space-Twitter)…

Author R.B. Wood has re-launched his outstanding novel The Prodigal’s Foole today!

Check out this smoking hot cover – it’s sweeter than space-love!

Patricia Tallman, from Babylon 5 gave him an even sweeter cover blurb:  “GREAT RIDE! Loved reading it.  Couldn’t put it down!”

Classy hot space lady! Patricia Tallman, you're doing it right *sigh*

The Prodigal's Foole is FREE for a limited time for you to grab up too! Click!

A man can run from his past … but not his future.

Symon Bryson lives in self-imposed exile until Monsignor DuBarry goes missing and not even the most adept of the magic practitioners can determine the reason for the abduction. The clues lie buried in the past amidst epic battles and horrific losses but reliving that failed mission uncovers fresh challenges and fearsome threats that reunite his old team.

Symon must deal with his own hidden demons and confront the menace that threatens the delicate balance of power. When the darkest of all evils lures Symon into springing a long-planned trap, an unsuspecting world will confront the unthinkable.

When all that stands between Heaven and Hell is magic, more than faith will be tested.

Check out Tim Queeney too!

Click on George!

“George in London is funny and a touch irreverent, a fun voyage which, if it didn’t happen, we should wish it did. Tim Queeney captures the spirit of the young Washington and surrounds him with a cast of compelling characters, foremost among them the indomitable Darius Attucks. And if the personal history is made up, the social history is spot on. The customs, speech and eighteenth century settings are rendered with well-researched accuracy. For readers who might like their history leavened with humor, this book is for you.”

-James L. Nelson, author of the books, “George Washington’s Secret Navy: How the American Revolution Went to Sea” (McGraw Hill); “George Washington’s Great Gamble: And the Sea Battle That Won the American Revolution” (Ragged Mountain Press) and “With Fire and Sword: The Battle of Bunker Hill and the Beginning of the American Revolution” (Thomas Dunne Books).

Click the Missile!

The ultimate doomsday weapon: The top secret SHIVA Compression virus can automatically launch all U.S. nuclear missiles. Once released onto the nation’s communications networks, SHIVA cannot be turned off.

Air Force Lieutenant Perry Helion stumbles across a twisted cult that seeks to use SHIVA to produce an orgy of destruction. Perry and his team have only a few days to somehow stop the SHIVA virus from burrowing into the launch computers at every Minuteman missile base and sending the nuclear warheads arcing skyward to an all-consuming firestorm.

Jesse James abducted by space aliens! Billy Purgatory Free on Kindle!

People of Earth!

There is no need to adjust your primitive blogs or your “EYE”devices. I am Kr’kos’rathos, Supreme Commander of the Mozrian Empire’s Flying Saucer Armada!

"We roll like this..."

"...and space chicks who look like this dig our style!"

I know, you are but an Earthling and you most likely find that not only impressive, but HORRIFYING! “No, Kr’kos! This can’t be true. The Mayans said we had until December.” The Mayans were liars, but we do not find it surprising that you believed them. We have been monitoring your simple-minded Earth-Entertainment transmissions for many years…

"Blair or Tootie? It is debated across the cosmos!"

Our spies have abducted the human you call Jesse James Freeman (yes, the drunk one), and while he is prisoner aboard our saucer we have used our superior intellects and technology to manipulate the price of his Kindle book, reducing it – as we will one day reduce the galaxy – TO FREE! Yes, zero galactic-credits. Cheaper than a Xanxarian Flash-Dancer with an engorged tusk!

Click for your FREE copy of Billy Purgatory!

The first of our demands is that you click on this link and download your copy FREE! Other demands are much more complicated and MUCH more nefarious! Just to give you a heads up, if I were you I would begin re-assembling the cast of Silver Spoons (give Ricky Schroder ANYTHING he demands!)!!!

"You have been warned! Do not deny the Schroder!"

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

"Cupcakes, bitch!"