People of Earthlings and Texas! I don’t know how long I will be able to transmit – as I am still abducted’ficated aboard the Mozrian-something Supreme Command Saucer-Place. I know that many of you are probably worried about me up here, but you must stay the course down on the surface of Cleveland or wherever the hell you are receiving this message. Ladies, please don’t cry – I would like to report that I am still in fine health and that contrary to what those UFO kooks used to tell Art Bell all the time, not all alien saucer people get down with the probe. I am told that probing only happens with a special subset of Alien Yetis who are into ball-gags and peyote – taking their captives temperatures/looking for love in ALL the wrong places.
#deviantYETIS, has Art Bell always known this truth?
I am not sure what the general evil plan of the invading Mozrian Saucer Army is, but I can tell you that you are probably in little danger right now as I was carrying my lucky deck of playing cards and I currently have the command bridge distracted and engaged in a drunken card game I learned in college called A**hole! They seemed suspicious at first, and that’s how I learned that they’re not the proby-Yeti aliens, but I assured them that the name was just a strange coincidence. Their liquor sucks by the way – it’s nothing but future-drinks like something that Shay Fabbro might mix up when she’s on a Star Trek watching marathon. Not only does it look like anti-freeze, but it tastes like it too – and no matter how many three-nippled space olives you drop into the stuff it never gets the right kinda dirty.
"Yes, Dr. Fab, drinks are very colorful in spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!"
As far as I can tell from the view-screen, I am currently over Washington State. Aliens like to buzz stuff in their saucers, and it’s been the Space Needle all day. I got to wave at Ken Shear and KSears – I’m pretty sure that I saw Tess Hardwick walking Patches. It’s kind of amazing how all those flannel shirts on the ground kinda blend together from way up here. It made me homesick, and wonder if I’d have made a good lumberjack. They’re still arguing from the rec-room while they play cards and yell out hazh’zen’phoocter (which is Mozrian for A**hole – I think?) about whether they’re going to point the saucer at Rio and buzz that big statue of Holy-J next or if it’s off to incinerate the Hollywood Sign.
These guys are all about paradoxes.
Please let our leaders know that the entire Mozrian ground command force is made up of really hot alien women who shouldn’t be underestimated. They all wear ear-buds and blast Alanis Morisette songs on their space iPods + they’re all reading Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales by Marni Mann. They keep licking their cosmos-Kindle viewscreens and chanting “Heroin and Lobster” – so they’re pretty keyed up.
"We will mate with your human heroin and your lobsters!"
Oh, and tell Luna that space-vampires really have it worse than Joe Vampire does. The navigator guy is one and they make fun of how much he sparkles. Tell Luna that if he wants to use it, the space word for vampires is sparkalulapluss.
I’m not sure if the room I’m typing this message from is a flying saucer chapel or a liquor storage depot – regardless, there’s a framed poster of Tracey Hansen on the wall. The Mozrian’s might worship her, or the general legend of just how much liquor she can consume in a sitting has made it to the other side of the galaxy and back. Really when you think about it though, isn’t that what religion is all about?
"We will know new gods on your Earth!"
I think I hear them coming down the hallway, the MacGuyver Swiss Army knife and this flask of opium isn’t gonna last for much longer. Time to get John McClane on these aliens and come up with a plan. If any of you wanna help me on the ground, please put a sixer of IMPORTED beer (not the domestic shit, I’m trying to save your ass from aliens here, help me live it up a little) in your backyard – I think I’ve figured out how their tractor-beams work and I’ll reverse-Santa the beer as we’re flying over your house.
"Any of this'll work! Our My survival depends on it!"
Be strong human-American people – these aliens picked the wrong Texan to tap-dance with – I’m about to go Black Swan on their asses.
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Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.
Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixing cars and even going to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…
Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.
