I am the Interstellar-Bodhisattva + Billy Purgatory still FREE

Friends (and the nine other people who read this blog), my adventures across the galaxy with the would-be invading Mozrian Saucer Attack Armada have ended.  I have been returned to you after achieving enlightenment (not so much in the wearing robes all day and chanting/eating rice sense, but more like the wow I can’t believe I drank that much and hangovers are so much worse in zero-G sense).

Japanese Zen master Sesso warned, “There is little to choose between a man lying in the ditch heavily drunk on rice liquor, and a man heavily drunk on his own ‘enlightenment’!”

The Saucer-People were forced to bring me back, even though there were many badass things I had yet to teach their space-culture, due to an unfortunate incident on Venus (or as they call it, Las Venus) involving an alien showgirl (before you ask, she did kinda look like Gina Gershon) and the Earth/Solar System at Large Annulment Treaty (which was enacted in secret during the Clinton administration).

The one on the left ('cause I've never been THAT drunk)

So, I’m technically banned from space and have to wear an ankle-monitor which starts blinking like a Mean Girl at the cocaine-jewelry store if I happen to get too high (no, not that kind of high – like on a rocket ship high).  I’m shrugging off the bad stuff and rolling with the punches, because I guess it was time to return to good old planet Earth.  Especially with the vast knowledge of the greater-universe and the nature of philosophy-bullshit and etc that I have now.  I’m pretty sure I was sent back to change the world, kind of like when all those rock stars get together and sing when a kid falls down a well.

 

I don’t want to hit you with all this knowledge all in one blog post.  I feel it’s a lot more fair to the people of our planet if I take time to collect all of my thoughts and arrange them into a 27 volume audio cassette collection, that way your brain won’t explode like Scanners and you can listen and learn at your leisure – or however fast you wanna set up the installment plan to send more tapes via your credit card (except you people with Diners – you know, join us in the 90′s why don’t'cha).

So, listen to me if you want to – and I’ll try my best to explain to you alien stuff.  Oh, and listen to Charlize Theron too, I don’t know why she’s important, but she is.  The aliens refer to her as the High Laser Priestess – they might also be really confused from watching Aeon Flux on a loop (because, it happened to me – but there’s no need to go into my rehab at that place in Malibu story again).

Google needs to up the search potential for 2 Days in the Valley

The saucer’s dropped me off in Orlando, Florida – which is a collection of strip malls and suburban homes all ruled by Mickey Mouse – I felt it was a good and accurate sampling of Americana.  While I was there, I took a walk around Disney World to collect my thoughts (and to drink, because that’s how we roll in Epcot):

First I drank in Germany...

...then I had pizza in Italy.

I went Yeti Hunting!

(I'm totally working my vacation photos into this blog post - pretend you don't notice) I don't know what that thing is across the lake, but it's shiny and that's pretty badass.

My doctor told me to add more fruit into my diet - so I drank mojitos.

Then I called Amy Pond...

... ! ...

...then Amy Pond and I had beers. She talked about how cool it was to be famous and I was like, "Yeah, I know."

Then we captured rhinos together!

After a plane ride (ironically, I sat next to an astronaut on the flight – I’m not making that up),  I again found myself on my secure forest moon of Endor compound, and as soon as I finish typing this blog post and tagging it with stuff like Charlize Theron is a Laser Princess and Gina Gershon in Viva Las Venus, I will again be hard at work on the sequel to Billy Purgatory (Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, etc etc).

"You are under contract for a sequel + mama needs her cupcakes!"

Speaking of Billy Purgatory, I have noticed that it has been FREE the entire time that I was kidnapped by alien saucer girls – I can only assume that my publisher did this because they felt that I was probably dead/never coming back/in space prison and they wanted to honor my memory.  Even though I have lost millions thousands some dollars because of this – I have decided to let the book remain FREE while I finish up the sequel this week.

I urge you to check it out – again, it’s fucking FREE and if you don’t get a copy, and tell your friends to get a copy, and take your grandma’s Kindle from her and download a copy onto it for her (just tell her you’re gonna hook her up and “stop the clock from flashing” – that ALWAYS works) you’ll be letting the space-aliens win!

Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy Purgatory dares you to join him.

FREE Kindle, Click and make it rain!

Check out Joe Vampire on Kindle! It's badassary approved.

Sequel!

Walter Penko’s “The Onion Psychiatrist” [Graphic Novel]

Walter Penko produces an indie comic out of his garage in Sylvania, Illinois – it’s called The Onion Psychiatrist. Just as the title states, it’s about an onion that is also a psychiatrist.

The premise of the book is that people come in to talk about their fears, their lives, their phobias – and the onion psychiatrist sits quietly listening. Invariably, just as his patients will start to feel better about their problems, the drifting lines that Penko draws to indicate the odor of the onion psychiatrist will reach the patient’s nose and they will begin tearing up and crying uncontrollably.

The onion psychiatrist only listens, Penko never employs talk bubbles with the character. The silent dialogue from the onion psychiatrist is handled by the swirling odor-lines eminating from his spherical frame. In this way, the onion is a silent observor of life’s happenings, trapped within some self imposed solitary confinement and unable to effectively interact with those people who desperately need him the most.

His patients are shown panel by panel pouring out their souls about life’s tragic circumstances while the onion sits there, quietly, stewing in his own stench. It’s as if this stench is actually a pervading anti-noise that cuts the patients down panel per panel, until they can no longer keep their composure, and in an explosive mess of tears and Kleenex, they let it all go.

Onion Psychiatrist is a tale of life in our time.  Detached from the closeness of other humans and retreating further and further into stinky personal hells. The book employs this metaphor as its core theme – the pushing away from society until the stink of it all breaks us down and exposes the fragile souls within the armor we wear day to day. As tears are purged and emotions well to the surface we are all, inevitably, gasping for clean air.

Penko himself is one who has been gasping his entire life – reaching out, but not really knowing how or who to reach to. Comics were never his life’s ambition, and even now as a sort of cult figure in the indie comics world, he seems uneasy with the whole affair. He began Onion Psychiatrist after he was laid off from the computer manufacturing industry (The Intellivision crash of ’83).

He could only find odd jobs to sustain himself and his family (eleven cats, all named Whiskers). He began his comics career after becoming obsessed with the newspaper staple The Family Circus, but also credits Hi and Lois as a huge inspiration. Never into the idea of superheroes, he decided that if he was going to venture into the comics world he’d have to create something real and that spoke to people just like me.

Penko took the plunge, investing in materials and given the luxury of free time to work on the book after a successful appearance on the game show The Price is Right allowed him to win a Showcase Showdown. Selling off his prizes for cash (a new dishwasher, a grandfather clock, and a Chevy Cavalier), …

…he purchased art supplies and began working on what would become Onion Psychiatrist. Disheveled and walking around his house in a dirty bathrobe, he drank nothing but Sanka and obsessively chewed nicotine gum for inspiration.

His compulsions paid off eventually.

Even now with his cult status and his awards he still doesn’t feel he’s arrived. Something seems to still naw at him – as if he’s the subject of his own comic. The book, he admits, has been cathartic for him.  He ventures out more, joining a square dancing class recently as well as participating in war re-enactments of the US occupation of Grenada.

“I guess…” as he ends our talk through his locked screen door, “I guess I just haven’t smelt that stank yet – that stinked.  You know? I guess I ain’t got a good enough snitched of my own stink, that which comes from my own onion. It ain’t made them teardrops flow.”

As the front door proper closed, I heard the rhythmn of many locks snapping into place and I left there feeling I had learned something about the human condition. I hummed a tune, as I lazily made my way to the next house on the block, still trying to give away all those copies of Watchtower that weighed me down so – but with a little more spring in my step.

* * * * *

I am not the genius that Walter Penko is, and I have never written a comic about Sanka or Onions, but…

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Write For The Fight, Riversong, Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales: Some thoughts from Atlantis, Ranch!

I was lucky enough to participate in a collaborative effort put together recently by Booktrope   and Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen – it’s called Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays.  I am obviously proud of it, maybe more proud than the time I won the UIL First Place Editorial Writing Competition when I was in high school and wrote for the student newspaper (which actually happened, I’m not making this one up).

I didn't win all these, I Google'd 'em.

I’m more proud of Write for the Fight because I kind of knew that I was going to win the UIL thing and didn’t work so hard for it.  The topic was “whether or not we should allow prayers before school sponsored sporting events” and I went with arguing the side that I was pretty certain I would be the only kid in the room arguing for.  I grew up in Texas, I’ll let you guess how I bucked the trend.  I guess I wrote a good editorial piece, the judges seemed to think so, but I was also more arguing for what I knew would win instead of putting any real effort into what I was writing from any sort of deep held philosophical perspective.

For all practical purposes, I wasn’t writing – I was counting cards at the casino and hoping I wouldn’t get caught.

Please LIKE Write for the Fight on Facebook!

Write for the Fight was a different sort of deal – I respect Tess, Tracey, Marni, and all the other really great writers involved – and I felt that if I counted cards this time I’d be doing the rest of them an injustice – again, Texas, weird sense of honor down here.  When I had to write my essays:  What do you miss about being 5 years old?, What would you tell your 20-year-old-self?, What, at this point in your life, do you want, wish and dream of for your life going forward?, What would you want said about you on your 80th birthday? : I felt that I needed to be really honest and speak from the heart.  That’s not really what my writing is traditionally about – if you’ve read Billy Purgatory and you follow this blog, you know that I am a #badass.  I write about: skateboard monster killing, heroes with 1000 faces, motorcycles on fire, Devil Birds, Time Zombies, emotionally-unavailable vampire girlfriends, and Sword Witches.

I mean, I’m seriously considering plotting out a book about Witches VS Robots…

"Negative, Ghost Rider."

Well, regardless if Witches VS Robots is a good idea or not – the point I’m making is that my writing is normally meant for straight entertainment value.  I like taking people on adventures to places that they’ll probably never go (cause I make that BS up!), I like giving people something to turn off their brains and have some fun, and above all else, I love making them laugh and feel better about themselves after their done reading.

Laughing like this chick, whose name I can't spell, back before Heroes sucked and then got cancelled.

Could I write essays in such a serious book?  For awhile there, I thought that I’d never be able to answer any of these questions and I was sort of in crisis a little about the whole thing.  That’s until it hit me – just because the word essay is part of the title it doesn’t mean that this is a serious book at all.  Yeah, parts of it are serious, sure, but just as much of the really great life stories that these authors from all over have to say in this book isn’t so serious.  These stories run the whole gambit from light-hearted and fun to thought provoking and spiritually deep.  These authors I was lucky enough to work with all opened up and shared stories from their lives with the world.  Just because technically they’re essays doesn’t mean they’re snooty book-learnin’ stuff that we had to write in college in those awful blue books and turn in for a grade.

I couldn't find a picture of a college blue book, so here's some S&H Green Stamps - back before they sucked and got cancelled.

Doesn’t mean they’re some silly question some judge thought up to make high school kids argue about in a fake newspaper article so they could win some fake gold trophy pin (which, by the by, looks really nice with those Texas Star imitation gold-cuff links I’m prone to wear on special occasions).  They’re not really essays at all in my mind.  They’re really good stories that will make the people who read them go off on adventures they might never go on – but they’re guaranteed to resonate on the reader’s own life adventures.  There might be a few tears, there are definite laughs, and there will be smiles when we realize something about that sameness we all share that Tess Hardwick is so fond of blogging about.

"Our Sameness" ie here's another picture of Tess in her prom dress surrounded by a lot of people who wish that this picture of their hair-do's didn't exist. See how life stories, and the 80's, point out our similarities to one another.

We really hope you’ll consider reading some stories we wrote that speak of journey’s we took in our lives.  We also hope that these stories will spark memories, hopes, and new dreams about the story your own life is writing for you.

Please LIKE Write for the Fight on Facebook!

Click to check out Write for the Fight on Amazon Kindle! All author proceeds for this book donated to breast cancer charities!

Authors Tess Hardwick and Tracey Hansen, inspired by the myriad voices in the world, compile a melting pot of life paths from over a dozen unique individuals, each exploring the four timeless questions we’ve all pondered:

· What do you miss about being 5 years old?
· What would you tell your 20-year-old self?
· What, at this point in your life, do you want, wish and dream of for your life going forward?
· What would you want said about you on your 80th birthday?

These experiences make us who we are, defining our personalities, perspectives and dreams as we move through the seasons of life – from memories at age 5 to the person we hope to be described as on our 80th birthday.

From the thoughtful to the blunt, experienced to the young – WRITE FOR THE FIGHT is a humorous and emotional journey that will take you back to the best of times and get you energized for the future. All writer royalties will be donated to charities benefiting the fight against breast cancer.

Contributing Writers
Gordon Bonnet
Galit Breen
F. Jo Bruce
Derek Flynn
Jesse James Freeman
Laura Kilmartin
Marni Mann
Karla J. Nellenbach
Terry Persun
Laura Tiberio
Laura Zera

And speaking of stories…

Marni Mann is one of the writers involved in Write for the Fight, plus she also wrote the awesome Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales!

Click for Amazon Kindle!

“I could feel my chin falling towards my chest, my back hunching forward. My body was acting on its own, and my mind was empty, like all my memories had been erased. There was scenery behind my lids. Aqua colored water and powdery sand that extended for miles. I was never going back to coke. I wanted more heroin. And I wanted it now.”

Leaving behind a nightmarish college experience, nineteen-year-old Nicole and her best friend Eric escape their home of Bangor, Maine to start a new life in Boston. Fragile and scared, Nicole desperately seeks a new beginning to help erase her past. But there is something besides freedom waiting for her in the shadows–a drug that will make every day a nightmare.

Heroin.

With one taste, the love that once flowed through Nicole’s veins turns into cravings. Tracks mark the passing of time, and heroin’s grip gets tighter. It holds her hand through deaths and prostitution, but her addiction keeps her in the darkness. When her family tries to strike a match to help light her way, Nicole must choose between a life she can hardly remember, or a love for heroin she’ll never forget.

And…

…the talk of the day (she’s been hovering all over the Kindle Top Five today *Update* Hit #1 today!!!) and the Queen of the Prom, Tess Hardwick!  She wrote a fantastic book called Riversong, which, at the time of this blog posting, is FREE on Amazon Kindle!

Click for Amazon Kindle!

When Lee Tucker’s husband commits suicide, he leaves her pregnant and one million dollars in debt to a loan shark. Out of options, she escapes to her deceased mother’s dilapidated house located in a small Oregon town that, like her, is financially ruined, heartbroken and in desperate need of a fresh start. Lee’s resilience leads to a plan for a destination restaurant named Riversong, to new chances for passion and love, and to danger from her dead husband’s debt as her business blooms.

Author Tess Hardwick assembles a colorful cast of endearing small-town characters and takes you on a journey that will make you believe in the possibilities of life – even in the face of overwhelming adversity and unimaginable grief. Lee Tucker is the kind of woman you find yourself rooting for long after the last page is read.

A surprising mix of romance, humor, friendship, intrigue and gourmet food – Riversong entertains while reminding you of life’s greatest gifts.

Wrapping it up…

…Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.  Jesse did actually win an editorial writing award when he was in high school, but he lies about practically everything else that he posts on this blog.  He is currently plotting his new novel Witches VS Robots.

Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five

“It is happening again.”

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Read Reviews!

Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

 

Guy Davis does Billy Purgatory pin-up / Moses Jaen makes it rain!

Guy Davis is an artist and badass.  His work in the comic book world is the stuff of legends: an American comic book artist primarily known for his work on Sandman Mystery Theatre and various Hellboy-related comics. He has also done work for various White Wolf, Inc. books as well has his own series, Nevermen and The Marquis. *(wiki)

My friend Moses Jaen, an artist of equal badassary, talked Mr. Davis into doing a Billy Purgatory pin-up page which is sweeter than a Paula Deen Triple-Sugar-Buttah-Cake with a Guinness-float-BBQ-flavor-ice-cream-chaser!

You’ve seen fire, now see THE RAIN

Billy Purgatory art by Guy Davis

Guy Davis and I shared some emails, as I wanted to have his blessing to post this on my site – I can report that he is gracious, a gentleman, and a scholar – as anyone who had anything to do with the fucking B.P.R.D. would have to be!

Moses Jaen has helped me every step of the way, back when Billy Purgatory was just a crazy comic idea.  Here is the first Billy sketch Moses ever did, and a page from the comic we produced and peddled a few years back at San Diego Comic-Con.

Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five art by Moses Jaen

Page from the original Billy Purgatory comic from Blinky's Zine pencils by Moses Jaen

Thank you Guy Davis and thank you Moses Jaen for making nerd-dreams a reality!

Moses Jaen is an artist and sculptor who lives in NYC. You should check out his portfolio by clicking this ass-knocking Godzilla sculpture he did!

Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer. The book is currently a Nook First exclusive.

“Cupcakes, bitch!” + Books with Vampires in them

 

Click for Time Zombie Transportation!

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

“I first heard whispers about this book on twitter. Comments about a “badass skateboarder”, time zombies, vampires, Greek Gods, and tentacles. I decided I had to check it out myself. The story revolves around skateboarder Billy Purgatory, and his uncanny ability to find himself in the center of trouble with the undead and ancient gods. We start the story with Billy at age ten saving the life of a young girl from a couple vampires, but this girl is more than she seems. I began to read with eyebrows raised questioning how this author, as he revealed more and more of these disconnected creatures; was going to spin these elements into a fine tale. I pictured water spiraling into the darkness of a storm drain. To my delight however, the spiral of water began to rise high into the sky as a tornado, a force of dark nature. Next thing I know I was on the field when the time zombie arrived, I was riding the train with Billy and Anastasia. I felt the heat around Lissandra as she ran from the fire. Without realizing it, I had stepped into the story. It is not something that happens often.”  - Author Glenn Skinner, The Keya Quests Blog

Fangs for the Click!

Hey, folks. I’m Joe, and I’m a vampire – not by choice, mind you, but by accident…a fate-twisting, fang-creating, blood lust-inducing misunderstanding. It started with a group date, a case of mistaken identity and far too many sake bombers, and ended with a ridiculous set of circumstances that I just can’t seem to wrap my head around.

Maybe you can tell: I’m not real happy about it.

But I’m certainly not going to let it get in the way of my life.

Ask Dr. Badassary / and Gaea’s Chosen: Event Horizon

People have been sending in their medical questions to me – at first I wasn’t sure why.  True, I am a renaissance badass – kind of a da Vinci Vitruvian dude meets Evel Knievel – but I wasn’t sure how any of that Dr. Quinn medicine business was gonna mix in.  People normally ask me stuff about “what do I do if I get my leg caught in a Bigfoot trap?” or “if I was on fire and killing zombies how many rounds could I get off before the flames overtake me and I’d have to jump into a tub of Robitussin?”

So the more I thought about all that kinda stuff – I realized that FIRST AID might be important with the end of the world coming up soon and all – and that immanent attack by the aliens from V (old school V because that shit is real – new V is fake and made up like Taylor Swift).

"I'm in, just don't take EVERYTHING off."

Outer-space is a complicated place – especially when love is involved!  Take for example: Gaea’s Chosen: Event Horizon by Cara Michaels, a book that’s full of all kinds of space-badassary and cool future-swords and meta-humans and a hot protagonist (what?  Gemma Bryant sounds like a hottie-ass-kicker and I have no filter when it comes to hotness-ass-kickery) – and for the ladies there’s Marcus Gilpin and a cat-eyed-meta dude (if you’re into that kinda stuff).

This is the second installment of Cara’s space-serial, part one being Gaea’s Chosen: The Mayday Directive, and I like how this is all coming together.  The first episode was more Gemma’s story, and you weren’t so sure about Dr. Marcus Gilpin – he’s a kind of pissed-off space-dude who isn’t so sure he made the right decision coming on this journey into outer-space.  This second episode gives you a little flashback info on Marcus and his lost love, Tegan – and now I feel like I know what this guy is all about and I instantly was sympathetic to his plight – in space nobody can hear your romantic-angst so you’re forced to step it up or you get your heart tossed out an airlock.  You know, it’s not all love-in-spaaaaaaccce – but that part of it definitely makes the characters real, believable, and gives you that much more reason to care about them when the crazy-cosmos-action cranks into overdrive!

Check it!

Dr. Marcus Gilpin left Earth with the woman he loved, but the very science he put his faith in promised her to another man…

Six months after waking in unknown parts of the galaxy, Marcus Gilpin is still recovering from a mauling that nearly killed him. His love gone, his ship lost—a crew of twenty now numbers only five, and he should have been among the dead.

He’s not entirely certain death wouldn’t be a relief—until he learns Gaea’s Ark isn’t alone, and a distress call reveals an unbelievable truth: The love he’d thought lost forever is still very much alive, and she’ll need his help to stay that way.

Gaea’s Chosen: Selected to settle a new world twenty light years from home…only things didn’t quite go as planned.

In matters of medicine, 13 is everyone's lucky number.

Meanwhile, back on Earth suddenly Ask Dr. Badassary!

Tim:  could you discuss the priapistic mechanism in the female? With examples and 8 x 10 glossies?

Tim, it all starts like this.

Quill Shiv:  If my ankle is broken and my hands barely work anymore, does this mean I get a gov’t issued hot assistant/nurse? Oh, wait…that’s not a medical question… Um…I’m ailing..and I can’t decide which would help more: 4 or 5 helpers around the house?

Quill Shiv, according to what I saw on C-SPAN this morning you're eligible for one of these.

January Jones Assistant Anonymous:  Is there value in eating placenta?

I don't know, the going rate is cheaper than my ebook plus it comes with BBQ chips - sounds like value to me!

Sex in the City cast Anonymous:  Hey Doc, my third superfluous nipple aches–is that normal?

No, it's not normal - but I'm not saying it's wrong.

#dancedancedancemachine:  Where do babies come from?

#dancedancedancemachine, this is where babies come from. Yes, I'm saying it's very wrong.

@Cinderella:  I have lesions on my…er…face. Yeah. Or maybe they’re kind of wart like.

@Cinderella, totally cure-able. Stay away from those creams they sell at CVS that are for other parts of the body - the normally 'happy' parts.

Vehemently Jones Anonymous:  Female priapism is called clitorism. I’m sure you can figure out the rest. But…clitorism. What kind of word is that? It makes it sound like having a clitoris is an ‘ism’, a disease. Wow. I don’t think I have typed the word clitoris so much!!

Dear Anonymous, I don't know what you're talking about and have never heard of any of that. But here are some pictures of other things that don't exist...

If you have more questions for Dr. Badassary, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook!

Make it rain and get your space on…

Click to get your ass tossed across the universe!

Cara Michaels is a dreamer of legendary proportions (just ask her about the alien pirate spaceship invasion). Her imagination is her playground and nothing is quite so much fun for her as building new characters and new worlds with at least an edge of the fantastic. She’s writing whenever the opportunity presents itself and can typically be found tinkering with half a dozen projects. Occasionally all at once.

She calls Florida ‘home’ when she’s not busy swearing about giant bugs and humidity. She has one super-cool fiancé who doesn’t (usually) mind the hours spent writing, editing, writing some more, and editing a lot more, one son with aspirations of becoming either a great wizard or an artist, and three cats who enjoy sleeping on her works in progress.

Badass Sci-Fi Author Cara Michaels!

Follow Cara Michaels on Twitter!

And if you’re curious about what sort of mental problems I might have that makes me blog in this fashion…

Click for Time Zombie Transportation!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

***Jesse James Freeman is not ACTUALLY a doctor, and since a brief walk-on stint (ended by set-security) on General Hospital he doesn’t even play one on TV.  You should not listen to anything he says and consult a real doctor if there is something wrong with you – in fact, you should never listen to ANYTHING that Jesse James Freeman ever tells you because he is a liar – a confident liar – but ultimately, a liar.

Times New Roman

I don’t want to really get into where I ran across this. I don’t really have to as it’s pretty self explanatory. Some class-A nutjob thinks aliens or whatever are out to get him. I’m just throwing it out there, I didn’t write it so don’t bitch at me about the spelling and grammar and general crazy talk. I tried to post it in Times New Roman for the guy but I can’t make WordPress do that. Oh, and i snagged the picture off Google, I have no idea why as I don’t think the guy even gets to the UFO part. So anyway, here goes…

================================================================

i would like to tell you about the ufo abduction which took place on my person on december 19th of 19 and 97.
this account has been typed personally by me three times previous to this session. i am typing this again because i have become convinced
that the previous incarnations of this record (which were all professionally bound and typed in times new roman typefont which is the most common
font used by business professionals around the globe). these records vanish periodically when my medication has been tampered with.
i know who tampers with it and if you are reading this and i know that you are you know who you are and that you HAVE tampered with not only my medication which
has to be given in correct dosage or i run the risk of major danger to my personal health and welfare. while we are on the subject, i would like to state that no matter
what you might be guessing at this moment i am of sound mental health. aside from a small puncture wound on my left calf which i have determined is either
a spider bite or perhaps the work of a bird (perhaps a redbird. i don’t think that’s relavent but i do not wish it to seem that i have hidden information about any illness)

none of the above matters. i will once again type this to you in times new roman typeface. my abduction occured along farm and market road 8180. if you have a reference guide
such as a map which labels rural landscapes then you can perhaps locate this road for yourself. i am not going to give nearby cities nor even the state for issues of privacy.
i do not wish for this record to be stolen as the other records have been. if perhaps you find a copy of what i am currently typing and you are now reading then perhaps you will
keep it safe. if it is PROFESSIONALLY BOUND as would be the case if it were given to a printer of means and merit who has the proper equipment to accomplish this task.

I DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER USE SPIRAL NOTEBOOKS.

if you find a record of an abuction which is contained within a spiral notebook then i can guarantee you under penalty of purgery that this record is a fake and not one which i
have prepared.

please if you find a record of my aduction bound as i have indicated it is my property and i would ask that you keep it safe and return it to me at a later date when it is safe for
me to let the world know my location. yes, i am near farm and market road 8180, yet i cannot reveal more at this time. please do not ask for more information on my location
as it is not safe for you or i should you be reading this and know that i was in fact abducted by intelligences of a world which is not of the earth and has never flown the flag of the
united states (or the united nations as such. please do not inquire about the united nations at this time). please keep any record you find of the events of december 19th which are in direct relation to
my abduction and consequental meeting of envoys from a place which does not correspond with any known place on the earth. terra firma, no.
terra underfirma, perhaps.

it is no coincidence that humans are buried beneath the ground. or at times are burned to ash as were the ancient vikings. either way, the souls of human beings can be intercepted by the envoys. please do not ask me what the envoys have said at this time.

if you find a record of my abduction, please place it within a safety deposit box within a bank which has a large vault constructed of reinforced concrete. lead shielding is optional yet always encouraged.

do not attempt to find me. soon the soviets will look out their windows and they will see not the city squares of the collective workers but they will gaze upon the washington monument.

this was typed within times new roman typeface. thank you.

Jesse James Freeman: A Lost And Found Blog Post about Nothing

Jesse James Freeman: A Lost And Found Blog Post about Nothing.

Guest blog post I did for Quill Shiv’s writing blog!

Click for Billy Purgatory on Amazon!

11 Questions of Badassary (The Serious and Classy Author Ed.) w/ Heather Huffman!

Heather Huffman is an author and activist who has written tons of books that get lots of acclaim: Throwaway, Suddenly A Spy, Ties That Bind, Jailbird, Ring Of Fire, and now, Tumbleweed.

Author and Activist Heather Huffman!

My favorite title is Suddenly A Spy, because it sounds like a Choose Your Own Adventure book – Heather says that it’s not one of those books and that you have to read it all the way through – which was confusing for me at first when I tried to read some of it.  Where’s the part where it goes: “If you wanna be a spy (suddenly) turn to page 37″ “If you don’t wanna be a spy and keep working at The Gap turn to page 44″?

I didn’t know Heather that well at first – but I keep hearing her name said in quiet whispers around the Booktrope Fortress Lair (which is located underneath that Space-Needlepoint thing in Seattle) – so I was like – Who is this writer lady?  Look’it all the books she wrote.  How come she’s written more books than me?  Why don’t I write more books?  Why am I craving cupcakes?  Am I pregnant?

I asked KSears if I could interview her and she said, “We’d rather you not contact Heather – she’s busy writing.  Nobody told you to talk.  Finish making those copies.  I have to go to a meeting.  Go get me cupcakes.”

"Cupcakes, bitch!"

Luckily, Heather Huffman has a blog (*blog plug*) called Heather Huffman.  It was pretty easy to Google it and find her email address.  I did get a little distracted because I kept finding pictures of llamas dressed up in Halloween costumes.  Okay, that search was totally unrelated – but still…

So I sent Heather an email with my questions – and then her lawyers called me – but then she sent the answers back.  So – without further French-words, here’s Author Heather Huffman, classing the joint up!

1.  So, you write books about badass chicks and love and stuff like that.  Please break some cinder blocks of knowledge over our skulls about what the make-up is of the perfect female protagonist in this modern age.

I can’t answer without first saying thank you for having me as a guest on your blog. I’m really excited to have my turn at badassary. :o

I don’t know that there is a perfect female protagonist – as different as the heroines in my story are, there’s always someone who loves them and someone who hates them – but I do think a modern-day leading lady should be strong, intelligent, and just as likely to save the hero of the story as he is to save her.

2.  Tons of people have downloaded your novels, like big numbers which takes one of those fancy calculators that multiples and divides Pi to compute.

Shit blew my calculator up more than Jay-Z's phone!

Statistically, they can’t all be females reading these books, even though there are tons more females on the Earth – the ladies live longer because guys tend to die from drinking too much beer and eating chicken wings or the occasional pretending to be Batman and trying to jump off a roof.

This is the Hemingway event which is in all of our futures!

My hypothesis is that dudes are digging these books of yours too – what sort of feedback have you gotten from men who are still alive and reading your books?

While I question your math on this one, I do have quite a few male readers. My favorite was the reviewer who described himself as a “grizzled old guy.” Usually they say they feel like they shouldn’t like my books but do. Throwaway and Jailbird seem to be the most popular among my male readers, but not always. My husband says they would all make good date night movies.

3.  You’ve said you hope to point a spotlight on the despicable practice of human trafficking with your work – a deplorable practice which is very un-badass.  What can the general citizen of the planet do to help raise awareness and do their part in the fight against this crime against humanity?

Don a cape and mask and go knock down doors… no, wait… In truth, I think the number one thing the average person can do is to be aware of the products they buy. The website www.slaveryfootprint.org does a pretty good job of opening our eyes to what kinds of products are made by slaves and how we can avoid using them. For my family, we have reduced our consumerism so we can afford to buy Fair Trade products when possible – those are products certified to be made in a way that is socially and environmentally responsible. I can’t necessarily afford to buy everything fair trade, and some things just aren’t available fair trade yet, but I try – and I make what I can for myself as another way to reduce our “slave footprint.”

Please join the fight!

Anyone from pretty much any walk of life can donate money to organizations that fight human trafficking. I’ve created a couple of online campaigns to give my readers an easy way to donate as little as $10 to the cause. You can find my campaigns at http://www.crowdrise.com/heatherhuffmanbooks. As I forge new relationships with organizations on the front lines, I’ll be adding more campaigns. (There are a couple in the works at the moment that I’m really excited about, so check back soon!) I’m always thrilled to get donations to these groups, and I’m always looking for help spreading the word. If you have a Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest account, share one of my Crowdrise campaigns with the world. You’ll fight evil and put a smile on my face at the same time.

We can also fight human trafficking by being more aware of how our children are behaving online. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, the largest demographic of newly trafficked people in the United States is American-born girls between the ages of 12 and 14. Most parents and teenagers don’t realize that human traffickers can and do use Facebook and other online sites to hunt for victims. I’m on Facebook myself, but it makes sense to be aware how much information you put out there and to realize that anything put online isn’t private, regardless of any privacy settings you might think are in place.

If you want to learn more about human trafficking, Polaris Project is a great place to start your research.

4.  You write about love, so you must believe it’s a real thing – I mean, it’s not like those fantasy guys that look like Santa Clause who write about dragons and unicorns and stuff?

"...and then the unicorns said, "We can't allow a Care Bear king to take the throne!"

You’re buying into what you’re selling right?  Why do you think that true love can be so hard to attain, and sometimes so hard to keep a handle on?

Or do you believe any of that at all?

"I know."

Anything worth having takes work, right? I do believe in love, but I think we tend to discount the amount of work that goes into it. I met my husband, Adam, when I was 19 – we were married when I was 20. That was just over 14 years ago. We have had more than our fair share of ups and downs, many of those because we had no clue how much work it would be! Of course, every time we think we’ve got it figured out, something new throws us for a loop.

One of the reasons love is so hard to attain is that we’re all looking for that perfect person, and he (or she) doesn’t exist – because he (or she) is human and flawed, just like we are. I also think we head into relationships completely unprepared for the moment we’ll fall out of love. That’s when we have to choose to stick with the person and ride out the storm. That’s easier said than done, and I’ve come very close to jumping ship a time or two myself!

There are times I’m still not sure I’ll keep him – or I think it would be so much easier to stay married if we could have his and hers houses – but in the end, Adam is my best friend. That’s what keeps us together when things get ugly. And life will get ugly.

5.  Do you have a ‘writing process’ and does it involve magic?  What about technology?  Do you think witches and or robots are lying in wait for us to let our guard down so they can take over the planet?

Okay, I can think of lots worse apocalypses.

I’m so glad you brought that up: It’s only a matter of time before control of the planet shifts to the robot witches, and people need to be made aware of this pending crisis.

As for the writing process, the finer details change from novel to novel. In general, an idea starts when I dream a scene from the book. The next morning, I jot the scene down so I don’t forget it. Sometimes a scene can wait on my computer for years before it gets its turn to become a book. Sometimes it only takes a few weeks.

This interview has made me realize that NOBODY is doing Witches VS Robots - guess who has a new book idea to pitch!

When it is a particular novel’s turn, I stew over it while I research the settings and underlying issues, come up with character names, and spend some time just thinking about the story. During this time, I put together a soundtrack that captures the feel of the book and I think of what actors would play the leading roles if it was ever made into a movie – they might seem silly, but those two steps are really important for me to get the feel for a book.

"That's a really stupid idea for a book. Are you talking to Heather Huffman?!? Where are my cupcakes!?"

I start writing when the first sentence comes to me. I might know how I want the entire book to go at this point, or I might not even know what the second sentence will be. Once I start writing, I write. Some scenes I can see as clearly as a movie going through my mind, sometimes I have no idea what I want to say when I sit down; my fingers completely surprise me. During this time, I force myself to write at least 250 words a day, even if I think it’s horrible. Otherwise, I might get stuck on a scene and never finish the book. I also guard the book closely at this point – I don’t let anyone even peek at it until it’s finished and I’ve done at least one edit on it because I don’t want anyone’s opinion to sway the story that’s telling itself.

"But KSears, what about all that stuff about Heather Huffman's writing process that she's rambling on about? That's how you got this - she had that first sentence idea and wrote it all down - well, and she bought a pair of boots to pose in for this picture."

I’m currently co-writing a book with a respected colleague, and it’s an entirely new experience for me. It’s fun and terrifying at the same time; I’m curious to see how it turns out!

"What's your first sentence?! "A long time ago there were a bunch of hot witches who got pissed off at a bunch of hot robots"?"

6.  What sort of music do you listen to when you write?  Or is it mostly silent, like those monks that sing those ‘ooooooh oooooooh ahhhhhhhhhh ohhhhhhhhhhh’ songs – those might not be songs – maybe it’s chanting?  Do you chant?

This is my jam!

I make Adam and the boys stand around me and chant while fanning me with palm fronds. Okay, no I don’t do that, but the idea holds merit… I usually put in my earbuds and try to ignore the chaos going on around me. What pipes through those earbuds depends on the book and the mood I’m trying to create – it could be an 80s hair band, Irish Punk, Golden Oldies, Country, or anything in between. There will always be at least a few Springsteen songs on the playlist, though!

"Jesse, are you even still paying attention to this interview? I write books. Like this one. Remember?"

7.  Is it true that you used to ride horses in a wild west show and that you can do all kinds of horseback tricks like they do in the Olympics? Well, cause I heard that you don’t use reigns and can do rodeo stuff by hooking a bra strap to a saddle? Talking about rodeo stuff is inappropriate, huh?  I should have listened to my therapist.

"Yeah, totally paying attention. Here, I Google'd Bruce Springsteen's ass for ya. And why can't I start a book with, "A long time ago hot witches got pissed off at hot robots?"

For the record, the bra strap trick should only be attempted by professionals on a closed course. In case someone hasn’t heard about that particular feat, I was attempting to mount a horse when I learned the hard way to always double check the stirrups first. Whoever used the saddle last hadn’t put the stirrup back together correctly, so when I went to swing up on the horse, it gave.

This dude hits the ground, cause he bought a cheap K-Mart bra.

I’m certain I’ll never be able to replicate what happened next, but somehow when I fell, I did so in just such a way that the saddle horn slid up my shirt and I found myself hanging by my bra. Thank God the horse was a calm one or the story could have been very different. He just looked back at me and I looked at him, both of us wearing an expression that read, “Now what?”

Since then, I can promise that I have been very careful to always check my saddle before hopping on!

"This is why I wouldn't give you Heather's phone number."

The short answer is that I do ride horses, but no Wild West shows in my past or foreseeable future. For me, one of the greatest pleasures in life is to trail ride on a horse I know and love. (Not the canned trail ride on a horse trained to follow the one in front of it – a real ride on a horse with some spunk!)

8.  Can you tell us something about your new book Tumbleweed that you haven’t told like 500 other book bloggers yet.  Not that I’m bored with your answers, but I’m pretty sure you’re sick of saying the same crap over and over.

This book right here!

Nonsense. I love saying the same crap over and over again. It brings me joy. If you insist on new content, then I suppose I can think of something. Of course, the only problem with coming up with new content: I can’t remember what I’ve said already. I’m kind of flaky like that.

Okay, I think I’ve got one. I’ve said several times that many of the antics in the book are my own. Yes, I did have a landlord once who shot a hole in my roof on moving day. (If that statement doesn’t make sense to you, then you haven’t read the book. Why haven’t you read the book yet?)

In one scene of Tumbleweed, Hailey protects herself from an intruder with a broadsword. I once launched myself at my husband while wielding a broadsword because I thought he was an intruder. The real-life version was much less exciting than the book version, though. The true tale ended with both of us screaming bloody-murder then reassuring our neighbors that all was well. You’ll have to read Tumbleweed to find out how the fiction version turned out!

It probably doesn't happen exactly like this in Heather's book, so I'm keeping this mental image for Witches VS Robots by Jesse James.

9.  What is the greatest chick-flick of all time?  You can’t say Princess Bride because everyone does – that Andre The Giant was sexy in his day.

Love machine!

Though Andre the Giant was quite a hottie, I wasn’t going to say Princess Bride. I’m crazy about a good girly movie, and there are a lot of good ones out there, but I have to say Lost in Austen is an absolutely hilarious and swoon-worthy chick-flick – especially for those of us who love Pride and Prejudice to begin with. For anyone who hasn’t seen it, I highly recommend you do.

Wow, no Rachel McAdams?! Thought that was a sure thing. Shit, I owe Tracey Hansen $20 bucks now.

10.  What would you say your greatest victory has been so far?  What is your greatest victory yet unfulfilled?

Aside from making it through 10 out of 11 questions? So far, I’d have to say it’s a tie between having three of the most incredible sons in the world and being on my current journey with the books. Both are amazing adventures that truly bring me joy.

Greatest victory yet unfulfilled? Question 11. And walking the red carpet with book manager extraordinaire Heather Ludviksson when one of the books gets made into a movie. And having my own little homestead, with goats and chickens and horses.

What can I say? I’m a girl of varied interests.

11.  If you were trapped on an island and it was overrun with zombies would you kick all the zombie’s asses and show them that the fire of your human spirit will not be overtaken by the undead – leaving you all alone on the island when they were finished off?  Or, you know, maybe zombies are misunderstood, and they’re not all bad zombies, maybe some of them are nice zombies – would you try to make friends with the zombies, so you’d have someone around to hang out with?  Nobody wants to be alone on their birthday you know.

I’m afraid the truth will be a terrible let-down. I like the way the fire of the human spirit thing sounded, but I’ve always thought that if I was in a horror flick, I’d be the first to die. I’d sacrifice myself to the zombies just to get it over with because I hate being scared. It just seems like a lot of effort and unnecessary pants-wetting just to watch your friends drop like flies.

Wow, what a horrible way for me to end the interview. Maybe I should go with the fire of the human spirit answer…

Check out Heather Huffman’s new book, Tumbleweed!

Click for Birthday Island Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

Thank you, Heather Huffman!

Heather Huffman writes contemporary romance and romantic suspense with strong female leads who refuse to lose hope. She sees her books as a way to not only entertain, but to also raise awareness of the realities of modern day slavery. She shares the passion of her resilient heroines to make a difference, and so dedicates both her time and a portion of her book royalties to organizations that fight against human trafficking.

Fans of Nora Roberts will enjoy the characters and stories that Heather creates.

Heather was born and spent her early childhood in Florida, but now calls the beautiful state of Missouri home. Her greatest joy, aside from writing, is to hit the road with her three boys for adventures unknown.

Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James is also the author of the upcoming Witches VS Robots!

"Witches VS Robots is NEVER happening!"