11 Questions of Badassary w/ author Alex Kimmell

Alex Kimmell is an author and a badass. A former rockstar turned to scary-times writer, he will amaze you with his prose and his jump out of your seat debut novel, The Key to Everything.

Now, prepareth! Badassary awaits…

Exhaustive research as always — even when I’m drunk.

1.  The Key to Everything was your first official novel, but your writing seems to have shown up a lot of places in the ramp up to said novel (Black Lantern Press, Front Row Lit, TheWordcount Podcast). How important was it for you, or in your opinion any writer, to just start doing it and getting your work out there to the world before you tackled a full-blown bookstravaganza?

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I was a songwriter long before I wrote prose. Lyrics and poems were all I ever made a serious attempt at with words before I wrote “the Key to everything”. Black Lantern Press, Front Row Lit and Wordcount were great opportunities for me. I’d already written the book and some other short pieces when I decided to approach them. They were very generous with their support and I’m honored to have been involved with their publications and associated with the other fantastic artists they support. Writing in short form for specified themes isstretching different muscles. I highly recommend reaching out to blogs and other avenues of publishing that are available to today’s writers.I don’t do it for the sole purpose of paddingmy resume though, but for the chanceto find new avenues ofexploring the art form.

2.  You are from the San Fernando Valley, one of my old stomping grounds when I lived in LA. When did you first get pulled into music and start banging out soundscapes in the garage?

Yeah. I’m a Valley Boy for sure for sure. Gag me with a spoon and all that shit. Skateboards, parachute pants and shopping malls. We did all that crap before it was cool.

Keeping it real in The 818.

Both my parents encouraged me at a young age to play music. When I turned ten, they told me to pick an instrument and stick with it for one year. It was a great way to help me learn discipline andexpose me to my creative side.

Fortunately for me my Mom loved the drums, believe it or not. I fell in love with it during my first lesson and annoyed the neighbors five to eight hours a day for years of wall rattling noise. Most of them were pretty cool with it though. The one asshole on our block moved after a couple of years of it. Some of the kids on the street actually thanked me.

The chicks were completely unprepared for that smile and those stripes!

I was in that garage so much that my dad installed a portable air conditioning unit in the side door so I wouldn’t over heat during the hot Southern California summers. I played some sports too and was pretty good. But with red hair and freckles I got picked on and beat up a lot. This was back in the days before bullying was considered a bad thing. The one thing the bullies couldn’t give me shit about was playing drums. My life revolved around it. I got really lucky with my teachers too. I transferred to the Hamilton Academy of Music for my senior year of high school and that helped me get a scholarship at USC.

3.  I would imagine having a career in music and performing all the time is very different than being a writer. I trashed a Marriot Suite one time and the security guys asked me if I was a rockstar and I told them no, I was a writer. So I had to pay for everything I broke. You’d be shocked to know just how expensive those awful paintings of sailboats and sunsets really cost (Lord knows my credit card was). So, what’s the reality vs the fiction of being in a rock’n’roll band? Did anyone offer you a cigar? Did they ask you which one was Pink?

Ha!  I was pretty mellow compared to the rock star mystique. Most of my wildness came out on stage. I broke drumheads, cymbals and collapsed the arches in my feet from playing barefoot. I used to go on stage in nothing but my boxer shorts because I sweat so much that I ruined my clothes. The heyday was the early nineties’ Hollywood scene. Altrock-tastic!My band played everywhere. We played the Whiskey a go-go, the Roxy, the Troubador… we gigged all the time at every spot place on the Sunset Strip. A few bands that are pretty famous now used to open for us. Unfortunately my band imploded before we took off to any national success. Oh well. Typical rock and roll story I guess. Most of the juicy details must be kept under wraps to protect the guilty.

4.  You transitioned from music to writing, partly due to wanting to find new expression and learning how to channel all that while working through the realization that you had Multiple Sclerosis. It must have taken a tremendous amount of strength and determination in going from one very challenging creative career and diving headfirst into an altogether new one? What was your major motivating factor and what kept you going as you figured the whole book writing experience out?

That’s Alex on drums. Keeping it real and bringing rain.

My wife made me do it. It’s as simple as that. Since I inhaled books like oxygen my entire life and wrote lyrics constantly, she suggested I try my hand at prose since my body refused to cooperate with the coordination I’d need to keep performing music to the level I needed and wanted. At first it was really fucking difficult. I thought everything I did was crap. I’d come up with some idea and write ten or fifteen pages. Then I’d delete it without showing anyone. Eventually she forced her way on to my computer and started reading. To my surprise, she liked some of it. So I kept going. To keep my creative expression juices flowing, I kept writing. Not for anyone to read, but for myself.

A friend of mine forced me to sign up on Facebook. I didn’t want to, but he not only twisted my arm, he created my account. The next morning I had close to one hundred friends saying hello that I hadn’t spoken too since we were kids. It was a great tool to catch up and stay current with everybody.

I started blogging. Mostly complaining about everything that drove me crazy, which is my real favorite hobby. I put up a couple of short ideas and started getting some nice feedback from people. Of course I thought they were just being nice.

Then a friend told me she liked the blog and wanted me to send her a few pieces to read. Apparently she liked them because she asked if she could show them to her boss. Why not right? Turns out it was Katherine and Ken from Booktrope. They both were interested in publishing something if I was willing to turn one of my ideas into a novel. I’d never given it much thought, but I figured I’d try. That turned into “the Key to everything”. Mostly luck, technology and some very amazing support from my wife and a few good friends made it happen. 

5.  The Key to Everything is a fantastic book, and it’s been likened more than once to classic Stephen King, which is never a bad thing? Why horror? How do you approach the horror genre to keep it fresh and interesting?

Thank you so much for the compliment. I’m honored that people even mention the book in the same conversation as Stephen King. When I first started reading the genre as a kid, his stories were the first I was exposed to. My dad gave me some Tolkein, Heinlein and Bradbury pretty early on. From Science Fiction and Fantasy the leap to horror was a fairly smooth transition. Monsters and mystery and nightmare fodder oh my! I remember buying Pet Sematary in the Crown Bookseller at the Northridge Mall with my allowance money. That was the first one for me. The image of the cat on the cover looked exactly like my cat Taffy at home. I read the description on the back and it sounded spooky cool. I liked it, so I continued reading his books whenever I could. I moved on to Christine, Night Shift, Cycle of the Werewolf, The Shining and Carrie. My favorite at the time was The Talismanthat King wrote with Peter Straub. It changed everything for me. The way it blended horror with fantasy was unlike anything else I knew existed before.

My approach to horror isn’t completely defined as of yet. I’ll have a bad dream or a flash of an idea that swells below my skin, dying to turn into a story. I don’t subscribe to the philosophy of “write what you know”. I don’t have any experience being hunted by demonic squirrels or transported physically inside the pages of a book. I don’t think Ian Flemming had many personal adventures as a super spy with a license to kill. Tolkein wasn’t a Hobbit. That had no bearing on whether the stories they wrote were believable or not. Harlan Ellison said, “Write what you want to read.” When I first heard that, the world opened up. I spent so much time as a songwriter attempting to compose sounds that I wanted to hear. It didn’t take Vulcan logic for me to transfer that same concept to the prose I write.

Vampires, Zombies and Ghosts can be extremely terrifying in the right story when written well. However, the majority of what frightens me, and what I tend to write, comes from a more skewed view of the world. Looking at objects and every day concepts we unconsciously rely on as they behave in ways far removed from how they are supposed to. Take squirrels for example. If having read my book you’ll never see them the same way again, then I’ll have been successful.

None of this explains George Hamilton.

6.  Was King an influence on your work? Who else within the horror genre do you respect and count as major influences and inspirations for your work?

I picked up a Stephen King novel for the first time in years only recently. When writing became something I focused on seriously, I hadn’t read one of his books in years. While I can’t say he was a conscious influence, his books affected me so much during my formative years that he is in there for sure. I learned a lot by reading his book with a writer’s eye, rather than as a passive audience. I can only hope that some of what entered into my mind will escape on to the pages of my future work. There’s definitely a reason he is such a huge success. What an amazing storyteller.

Because, like, no.

Some of my major influences haven’t been as publicly successful. John Ajvide Lindquist is one of the best authors out there these days. Every time I hear that a new work of his is being translated into English, I can hardly contain myself.

I’ve read every book by Michael Marshall Smith at least twice. The way his plotlines unfold continually surprises and inspires me. There is one particular scene in his book “The Straw Men” that I re-read over and over. It’s a gunfight in a fast food restaurant that turns my knuckles white even though I know exactly what’s coming next. He isn’t what I would describe as a “horror” author though. He is more thriller and science fiction. I can’t recommend him enough.

He’s suave, though. I’ll give him that.

Mark Z. Danielewski is perhaps one of the writers changing the world of books and electronic publishing as we know it. His book “House of Leaves” changed my life. I currently have three copies of it in the house now, not including the ebook version I have on my son’s iPad. His work can be frustrating at times and even somewhat pretentious, but it’s always challenging and beautiful.

Google told me that the House of Leaves guy (this dude in the hat) is Poe’s brother.

One of the greatest living wordsmiths in my opinion is Harlan Ellison. “Deathbird Stories” is a must read for any fan of horror and science fiction. Not only does he write incredible books, his episodes of Star Trek and the Twilight Zone are legendary.

No, not that Poe.

The same can be said for Richard Matheson. “I Am Legend, “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet”, “The Box”, “Duel”, “What Dreams May Come”…His bibliography of incredibleness goes on and on. Every time I open one of his stories I am instantly transported into other worlds that are sometimes terrifying, often beautiful beyond belief, but always wonderful.

This Poe.

Because they can’t go without some brief mention, I am humbled and driven by incredibleimaginationsof Mary Shelley, Bram Stoker, H.P. Lovecraft, Edgar Allen Poe, Neil Gaiman and of course Clive Barker. I could go on, but the list is way too long.

Whatever happened to Poe? Maybe I’ll use my new (stolen) Google Glass and find out!

7.  I write about vampires, and Time Zombies, and yetis. For you, your muse seems to be the squirrel. Where did the ‘squirrel-thulian mythos’ originate? Did you think you might be nuts when suddenly squirrels began haunting your dreams and your chapters?

The squirrelpocalypse is coming. Mark my words!

I find it so funny how many people ask me, “Why do you hate squirrels so much?” That entire part of tK2e came to me spur of the moment. I was searching for a small, somewhat harmless and commonplace animal that people typically take for granted. My goal was to create an underlying sense of discomfort with reality in the world of the story. Snakes, spiders, vampires and werewolves are scary in their own right. They provoke instant, primal images of fear and raise the hackles on the backs of our necks based on developed historical associations. While the common squirrel might be a nuisance, it’s not an animal that the majority of people are terrified of.  

Oh wait, that’s Sheena Easton. This must be when she was going to the prom with Prince.

The moment I landed on using the squirrel for my “beast” turns out to be relatively prosaic. I was working on an early scene in the book and a squirrel stood on the wall outside my studio window. That was it. I thought to myself, “What would this animal have to do to make me ruin my pants right now?” The rest is history.

I’m not sure I’m using these things right… *turn the knob here… Awe, Wendy and Lisa. That’s right, Prince and Sheena Easton adopted them.

8.  I had a buddy call me one night when I lived in LA, he ran a bar that was rented out for a private party and he related to me the following: Melissa Ethridge, Steven Spielberg, Mike Meyers, and Slash all have their chairs pulled into a circle and they’re just hanging out and talking at this birthday party.

Wait…

It’s a conversation that I’ve imagined more than once in my head.

What’s the best famous people story that you can relate to us? (and not get either one of us sued, cause I don’t need another lawsuit like that time I bagged on the Sham-Wow guy)

During my time in L.A., I was fortunate enough to meet quite a few of my musical heroes. Some I played with, some I was introduced to backstage at shows and others I made a blubbering mess of myself in front of. In a few unfortunate situations, all three occurred at the same time.

This always happens when I research. Every. Damn. Time.

When my boys were little they shared an indoor playground late one night with Don Cheadle’s kids. Calista Flockheart used to bring her son to the same park we went to and I struck up a few conversations with her. I went to high school with one guy who went on to become a relatively popular actor in a television show named after a famous L.A. neighborhood and its zip code. There’s a picture in my yearbook where I’m dropping him headfirst into a trashcan with help from another fellow classmate who now plays drums for a former Beatle.

What the …? I had no idea Kylie Minogue was a GoBot.

I won’t go into any of the drug and alcohol fueled or “spicy” events. Like you say, I’d prefer not to run afoul of the law. Most of my stories are pretty tame. No trashing hotel rooms or shark related Zeppelin-esque tales of debauchery.

For any Elliott Smith fans, I spent a very nice coffee break with himthat I wrote about on my old blog.  You can see the full story at: everythinghappenstomeshuh.blogspot.com/2010/04/one-of-my-favorite-hours.html

 

9.  What’s the perfect balance of family life and retreating into your writing cave? Writers oftentimes (like, me) have issues balancing family, work, and writing – so how about you?

Back on track here! Oh … this works. Cause Alex writes scary stuff.

If there is such a thing as a perfect balance, I haven’t found it yet. I don’t have a writing cave anymore either. I put my laptop here on the dining room table and try to block out the world. It’s a double edged sword, but I don’t have a job. That’s good for my writing because it gives me time when the kids are at school and my wife’s at work. I have to do the majority of my typing left handed due to my receding coordination, so I struggle along at a snail’s pace. I’m taking some time attempting to learn how to use Dragon though. Hopefully that’ll help.

10.  Is Lovecraft too much a part of pop-culture nowadays and is he getting played out? We do live in a world where Cthulhu-plushies exist, after all.

Where’s the off-switch for Google!

I could ask the same question about vampires, werewolves and zombies. We live in a culture of numbness. We’ve been exposed to it all. Vampires aren’t the stuff of nightmares anymore. They sparkle and have dreamy eyes. Werewolves are buffed out surf wear models. We even find ways to cute-up a reanimated corpse to tantalize the tween audiences.

An enormous portion of the genre is fighting really hard to capture the attention spans of young girls. And why not? After all, they spend the lion share of dollars on entertainment. Face it, full bore heavy metal has never sold as many records as pop music. It never will. When it becomes watered down and made “safe”, then it can explode into pop culture.

I guess Winger broke up, huh?

Humans aren’t as afraid of the dark as we used to be. Electricity and three hundred channels broadcasting twenty-four-seven. The interwebbuilds walls between us and the realities of horror occurring on the other side of the real world, or as close to home as next door. We’re numb. That’s why Cthulhu-plushies and sparkly boyfriend/bloodsuckers are so mainstream. If we embrace the nightmares tightly enough, they might just hug us back. 

I hope Cinderella is still living the dream. The world is ready for Night Songs 2.

The argument can be made that most Twihards haven’t read “Dracula” or “I Am Legend”, let alone “The Necronimicon”. While I prefer the horror stories I read or see at the movies to be frightening, there is a large audience that prefers a more soap operatic approach to their monsters. And that’s okay.

Can’t say it doesn’t get under my skin though. ;?)

Okay, I like where this Cinderella search is headed…

11.  What’s next for:

Alex Kimmell, Author?

Breathing. I expect quite a bit more creation of CO2. That’s the hope anyway. Oh, and writing stories that will hopefully creep people out as much about other things as tK2e apparently has for the squirrel population.

Damn. Everybody ain’t able!

The Key to Everything? Sequels?Prequels? Movie deals?

I haven’t thought much about expanding on the tK2e storyline. Although a movie deal would be exciting of course. If anyone is interested in the rights, send me an email and we can tell our people to get their people to have brunch and discuss sending their people out for drinks to make plans for their interns to actually read the book, write an op ed in their college paper where it won’t be published so it gets posted on their blog that their Junior JuniorUnder Producer supervisor is unknowingly subscribed to themailing list for. The supervisor will recognize the title line “the Key to everything or Nuts and Vowels. Don’t Read That Yarned Book Dumbass ‘Cuz the Squirrels Be Crazy!”, have his assistant read the blog and will then schedule a round of brunches for the peons to start the whole thing over again. Eventually some bigshot might bring the book up in conversation at Spagos with an executive at a rival motion picture house who will say, “I think we’re talking to the author about the rights for that.” “Oh, really? We were thinking it might be the next Twilight franchise.” They’ll politely excuse themselves from the party, frantically hit the speed dial on their cell phones and I’ll be the next bidding war fodder for the Hollywood Reporter. Next stop…the Oscars!

Someone, somewhere, is writing down that I’m searching fairytale characters and I’m pretty sure that is going to one day be used against me in a Very Special episode of LA Law.

New projects?

I’m currently working on a collection of short stories that will hopefully be out this year and novel No.2 is slowly gestating in the womb. I’ve been in discussions with a friend of mine to start work a multimedia piece as well. I really look forward to see what we come up with for that. Stay tuned kiddies!

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alexkimmell (the squirrel whisperer/twodoggarage/daddy not-so-much-bucks) is an accidental novelist, anti-rhyme-ologist, oxygen inhaler, carbon dioxide exhaler and the funniest man in his pants who often generates harmonious sounds with various instruments of different historical importance. his work has appeared on cool places around the www like Black Lantern Press, Front Row Lit, The Wordcount Podcast, and his debut novel “the Key to everything” was released by Booktrope Publishing in 2012. come and join the neurosis at alexkimmell.weebly.com

I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait forever.

Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five is the second book in Jesse James Freeman’s Billy Purgatory series. He has been at war with dark forces (stuff like: cobras, lasers, yetis) his entire life. He enjoys Tweeting, scented candles, and waffles. He is hard at work on Billy Purgatory 3 and an epic poem entitled Witches vs Robots.

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Stephanie Fuller “Book Hipster” takes Billy Purgatory to Disney World

Billy Purgatory has traveled the world once again – seems like he always goes to sunny Orlando though. He is a daredevil badass – so it makes sense that Space Mountain would be right up his alley. I really don’t see him taking any advice from Jiminy Cricket, but they have fireworks every night and he does enjoy watching stuff blow up.

However, I’m not ruling out that Billy would take advice from Rickety Cricket.

Stephanie Fuller is the Book Hipster – like officially – she has a blog and everything. She and her husband, Matt, surprised their daughter Jillian by planning a trip to the Magic Kingdom and only sprung it on her days before the trip (more about that later – NOW with more Youtube video). Stephanie had just won an awesome tote-bag fulla Booktrope books in a contest given by lady-tiger author Gale Martin(if you haven’t read Don Juan in Hankey, PA or Grace Unexpected then you’re seriously missing out).

Does it say “Advanced Virgin” on that laptop screen?

So Stephanie took some books with her on vacation too.

I felt we could all use a vacation update – and so here is Book Hipster Stephanie Fuller with the rundown of travel badassary!

1.

So, how was Disney World? Did you wish upon any stars? Did they give you plenty of soap in the hotel room?

—Disney World was hot, sweaty, gross, rainy, humid…it was AWESOME!!! Seriously though…too hot…too humid…too rainy…I was a hot, sweaty mess the whole time. *shakes head* It was not pretty!

This is way pretty.

—I DID wish upon a star! I’m not telling you what I wished for cause it could still come true. Really, it could…right?!?!?!?! *bats eyelashes*

One badass welcoming another. Like Kings do on Game of Thrones!

—Soap…yes…towels…yes...coffee…yes…charging stations…no! Hey, Disney…get on that! My poor cell phone was usually dead by 5pm because I would find myself Twittering or Facebooking while I was in line waiting for rides. Wonder who I was talking to most of that time…hmmmmm…*looks around*

Stare at awesome while you figure out how to un-knot all those towels.

2.

Did you get anything cool put on the back of a mouse-ears hat? The smiling vendors on Main Street in Magic Kingdom said it was against policy to print: “#Guns, Hookers, Fire Trucks” on mine. It was a complete buzzkill – and I think it might have violated my bill or constitutional or whatever that’s called.

Don’t tread on me and piss off jetpack-kite riding Wolverine-claws Ben Franklin fighting Zeus, yo!

—You know what? I completely didn’t even think to get myself a set of ears!!!! I looked at them every time we saw them, because, why the heck not, right? They are cute and it is DISNEY WORLD!!! I was mostly looking for the kidlet because we were getting her a pair with her name on them (by the way, she decided to get “Cheshire cat” ears with her name on the butt under the tail…ha ha ha!!!). I really should have gotten a pair of traditional black ones with my name on the back…or something cooler like my new self-given nickname “The Book Hipster”. Of course, what would I do with them? It isn’t like I can just wear them to the grocery store, or out to dinner on a date night…or can I?

Mickey Mouse is real!?!

3.

Your daughter, Jillian, will probably become one-day internet-famous for her Youtube video of when you broke the surprise that you were taking her to Disney – and her sort of blah reaction to it all. Did she ever get excited about the whole thing and sort of Tosh.0 web-redeem herself.

—Good Lord…that video!!! I mean, I wasn’t expecting cartwheels or mass hysterical screaming and jumping up and down…sheesh! SOMETHING would have been nice!!! Actually she was excited about going, and while there is no Tosh.O web-redeeming video out there, she talked and talked and talked about the trip beforehand once she realized we really were going there. The lack of excitement in the video is because I told her there was a “gift” we were giving her to announce where we were going on vacation. She automatically figured we bought her a toy…not a shirt. :-\ For the record, she didn’t get a shirt on vacation either. I wanted a couple shirts we saw for her, but none of them were in my size. I think this video will be shown to all her future suitors…I’m so evil!

She totally changed her mind on the plane. They start tossing books and packages of peanuts at you then you’re suddenly down for whatever.

4.

Who gave you the strangest look when you pulled out your copy of Billy Purgatory to have you picture snapped with it at Disney World? Mickey Mouse seemed pretty cool with it…

Stephanie and Mickey – present timeline.

…but Belle from Beauty and the Beast seemed to freak a little – like it was a copy of Dianetics.

It’s a book, lady. I thought you lived in olden times before Kindle.

That’s more like it. Now you’re eligible for your SAG card.

Did you ever run into Princess Jasmine? – cause she’s way into me and she’d have been down.

Dear Disney, I love you – I saw the Avengers 8 times. Please don’t sue me. All I have is a moonshine still and my Lion King collectible Hardees glasses.

—Um…I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention to others if I was trying to take a fun picture of Billy Purgatory. The first time I asked to get it taken with a character (Mickey was the 1st!), I felt weird asking, but he seemed ok with it. I didn’t want to be in the pictures too, but my husband wouldn’t take the pictures for me on his phone(my phone was DEAD at that point, I think…or maybe close to it) without me being in the picture, so I got to hang out with Billy every time. *giggle* Belle actually was excited about the book! She is the ULTIMATE bookworm and asked me what the book was about. The shocked face she gave was because I told her the book was about “Zombies, Vampires, Devil Birds, and a kick ass skateboarder”. I don’t think it was something she was expecting…ha! A couple of the Disney workers (non-character) at the Princess exhibit were asking me all sorts of questions about the book and the author and how I knew him and one even wrote down the name of the book. Had it been our last day there, I would have given her my copy figuring, I kind of know the author and could get another. Oh, and we didn’t get to meet Jasmine. I saw her from a distance, but didn’t get close enough. Sorry.

Cinderella digs motorcycles on fire.

5.

What was the most fun ride? What’s up with nobody wanting to ride the Tower of Terror? That thing is boss!

—The most fun ride? Um…well…it is kind of a tie between an actual ride and a non-ride ride…did you catch that? Ride…The Tea Cups! Duh! We rode it two times and spun our little hearts out as a family laughing and squealing in delight. Yes, I squealed in delight, ok? What of it? Non-ride ride…Mickey’s PhilharMagic!

She’s right – this was a pretty awesome 3D movie!

It is a “3D, you sit in a theater and watch a movie” ride. We did this one twice too, although, I could have done it a million and one times and never gotten sick of it…ever! That is cause I love music…and Disney music on top of that is just the cherry on the banana split! I love me some Disney music! That probably hurts my “tough girl” rep, huh? Oh well…

Much badassary is contained within!

—Stop pestering me about that Tower of Terror ride already!!! I haven’t been on a true coaster in 4-ish years. The last time I was, I almost got sick (thank you Six Flags!)…this one looked so scary to me there was no way I was going on it alone. My husband doesn’t do coasters…at all. Getting him on a couple rides at Disney was a surprise to me and I’m so proud of him! Anyway, um, the day before, the kidlet kept saying she wanted to go on the Tower of Terror, but I had to go too. Fine. I’ll do it…for my baby girl. If I die on it, at least she’ll be happy, right? Well, as we were driving towards Hollywood Studios we pointed out the building to her. She immediately changed her mind…ha!!! I’ll go on it…maybe…just not by myself…so, when are you taking me to Disney?

“It’s a Small World, Billy Purgatory” coming this Fall on the CW.

6.

Do you think that the call-box in Epcot’s Britain Pavilion should be painted blue?

This is like one of those pictures where there’s a sailboat hidden in it – you have to squint real hard to notice anything but Amy Pond.

—Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. A million and one times…yes!

7.

Did you see anyone else promoting books while you were there? I heard that Anne Rice hangs out in front of the Teacups sometimes and tries to talk to people about vampires. I also heard that the 50 Shades of Grey lady wrote all that book on the back of cocktail napkins riding the Lime-Green Monorail around in circles.

—I think I was the only weirdo, er, I mean completely normal person there promoting a book. If there was anyone else, they were staying off my turf that day! Smart people! We were at the teacups both Wednesday and Thursday and I didn’t see that Rice woman. She better watch it…Lestat isn’t going to save her there! As for the 50 Shades of Grey lady…I’d probably smack her inner goddess upside the head for saying “inner goddess” too many times in her book!

8.

Now that you’re back to Chicago and off vacation, are you already making plans about where you’d like to take Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five? I’d like to see him go to maybe the Grand Canyon, or that park where people see bears and that volcano shoots steam into the air, or maybe a Shriner’s convention.

—Oh no! I set a precedent, didn’t I? Ok, well…um…are you paying for this trip? Cause then, I’d like to take him to Paris. If not, I’m not sure. I’m not really planning trips any time soon. If there was a Con or something soon that I was planning on attending, I’d totally take him there! I’d take him to work with me, but I’m sure he’d cause all sorts of mischief. Maybe you should talk to Steven Luna about the Grand Canyon…

Nobody’s letting Luna anywhere near the Grand Canyon.

9.

Do you have any advice for all the moms and dads out there who are planning a trip to Disney? What should they expect, what kinda secrets did you learn?

—Gorsh *said in best Goofy voice*…there is so much that I can think of right now, but first and foremost…DO NOT GO IN JUNE, JULY OR AUGUST!!! Ha ha ha!!! I’m only kind of kidding…It was way too warm and Jillian whined almost the whole time that she was too hot. It was very grating on my patience as I was also so stinking hot and gross feeling. 

On his way to the Little Finger Dance Party.

—Pack ponchos! It rained 3 of the 4 nights we were there. The first night, we got soaked to the tips of our toes. The 2nd day, we were able to get the ponchos on asap and not get hit too badly. 

Fullers meeting Donald Duck!

—Take advantage of the “FAST PASS”. Some of those rides have more than an hour wait…if you can fast pass it, your wait could be a lot less!
—Meal plans! If you are doing a package, make sure you do a meal plan. It will save you a ton of money! Also, if you are looking to go, but want to save some cash, DON’T do the expensive resorts! We stayed at the All-Star Movies Resort and while it wasn’t much more than a glorified Holiday Inn, it was all we needed as we barely spent time in our room outside of sleeping and showering. Promise!

Disney World will style out you in the lap of luxury, oh lover of the life of leisure!

—Finally a plug for a friend—if you don’t know where to begin when planning your own Disney vacation…email my friend Treena( treena@mousecounselors.com )she is what you call a “Mouse Counselor” and will help you plan your Disney vacation at no charge! She helped us, even though we were about 90% done with our own planning…but she can help you in so many ways (even if it is just other tips and schedules!) to make your trip go smoother…trust me!!! Well worth talking to her!

The Walt Disney World resort offers fancy dining and comfortable chairs (notice the plugs, Disney – again – don’t sue me).

10.

This is not a question – it’s just a funny picture of you when you were 14 going to Disney.

Stephanie Fuller at 14, before being snatched up by the Time Zombie and transported to present day. Yes, she is wearing neon socks.

Do you think this trip would have been more awesome if you’d have had Billy Purgatory to take with you back then? Or was the 80′s hair so awesome that you didn’t need to walk around with a cool book?

—Oh no…the picture! I don’t know why I ever posted that thing…ha ha ha!!! Ah, 14 year old me…I hate to tell you this, but…um…that wasn’t the 80′s. It was 1994. Feel old, now? Sorry. *blows kiss* Also…my hair was not THAT big!!! Back on track…um…I would not have been brave enough back then to try and get pictures taken with Billy Purgatory and Mickey (or in front of rides, castles, etc). I remember being super shy about just asking for that specific picture. However, I would have been a fan of the book if it had been out then. At that point I had already been reading Stephen King stuff for a couple years, so I was all about strange and unusual books.

So many amazing things to do and see – sometimes it’s so much fun it becomes overwhelming and you have to chill on a bench and get your drink on. Disney gives you those cups – that’s the kinda awesome company they are (are you listening Disney – no lawsuits).

11.

Did Billy Purgatory cause any trouble in the airport TSA line? He usually sets the badassary-scanners off?

—No, he was behaved. Probably worn out like the rest of us. And his travel companion, Jillian, wasn’t feeling well on the way home, and due to her…um…issues, we were given special privileges in passing through the line quicker. So, he got to skip the huge line with us and run through the scanners/metal detectors. Bonus!

The Fullers are awesome!

Thanks to Stephanie, Matt, and Jillian for being so awesome. I’m digging they had a rockin’ and well deserved vacation with The Mouse!

Tweet Stephanie, it’s fun. Ask her about pizza!

@ImaFuller

The following is a list of people and/or companies that should not under any circumstances sue me: Disney, Princess Jasmine, The CW Network, whatever Airline that was, Anne Rice, the cast of Twilight, the Fifty Shades of Grey lady (loved your book), 50 Cent, the Fraternal Order of Moonshiners, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia & FX, Amy Pond, Benjamin Franklin, Zeus, Coca-Cola, whoever made that chair at the Polynesian, and Steven Luna.

FYI Disney, the film rights to Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird are available. There’s a sequel coming out and I’m smelling franchise money. I live mostly off letting big Pharm test new drugs on me – so we could do this deal cheap.

Speaking of Steven Luna… *CLICK!*

This book is amazing too… *Click!*

…and it’s no secret that I love Gale Martin *click!!!*

…oh, and Amazon shouldn’t sue me either. Cause that would suck.

Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy Purgatory dares you to join him.

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixing cars and even going to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Billy Purgatory Book 2 is coming soon! So, read this one and be ready – because I can’t call everyone on the phone and explain to them what they missed. Or, I guess I could…

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer.

Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.

Just cause it’s been awhile.

11 Questions of Badassary w/ Author Bryan Hall

Bryan Hall is a fiction writer and member of the Horror Writer’s Association living happily in a one hundred year old farmhouse deep in the mountains of North Carolina with his wife and three children.

Bryan Hall #represent!

He spent the first nineteen years of his life writing and reading voraciously, until pausing for some befuddling reason to spend a decade drinking whiskey and beer, playing in various garage bands, and rock climbing, eventually conquering practically every worthwhile cliff in western North Carolina.

Although a bad back has greatly hindered his rock climbing, he still considers himself an aficionado of good beer and great whiskey, which seem to add fuel to his demented imagination.

Growing up in the Appalachias, he’s soaked up decades of fact and fiction from the area, bits and pieces of which usually weave their way into his writing whether he realizes it at the time or not.

Bryan Hall is a badass and he’s the author of the sci-fi horror novel Containment Room 7, collection Whispers from the Dark, and The Vagrant (Southern Hauntings Saga).

The latest tome of badassary!

You can find him online at www.bryanhallfiction.com, and you should do so because you know how to read and like books!

And now, 11 Questions of Badassary!

1.                                                                                                                                       Bryan Hall is a fiction writer living in a one hundred year old farmhouse deep in the mountains of North Carolina with his wife and three children.

What’s the deal with writers and haunted houses?  Do you find that ghosts are attracted to writers?

Heh.  I wish my place was haunted.  Sadly, old doesn’t equal haunted.  It just means falling the hell apart and in need of constant repair.  I’d love to live in a haunted house, though.  At least it would prove there’s an afterlife. 

Yeah, that’s the same thing they told me about this place.

Is it all the typing?  The staying up all night, haunted by the characters in your head rattling chains?

Those characters are fickle.  Around ten or eleven in the evening, they all shut up.  It’s great for sleeping, hell for writer’s block.

I really gotta stop Googling stuff drunk.

2.                                                                                                                                         Sci-fi and horror are two genres that one would think go together like chocolate and peanut butter, yet – it also seems like it’s harder to blend the two together than one might think.  Do you find this to be true?

It’s harder to blend them than most realize, I think.  And especially difficult to please all the readers.  Most tend to say there’s either too much or not enough of one or the other genres.  I actually don’t do a lot of sci-fi stuff – a few shorts here and there and the novel are about it.  It’s a lot of work.

Not necessarily Sci-Fi/Horror, but I didn’t figure anyone would catch the Green Slime reference.

If loving this is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

What elements from each genre do you feel play well together?  Which ones, not so much?

The isolation element is the obvious one.  The remote settings that are possible in a sci-fi story make it a perfect fit for horror since it adds the element of hopelessness.  The technology angle is tricky.  Too advanced, and it can actually negate most of that hopelessness and risk. 

Eh, screw it.

3.                                                                                                                                      What’s the worst meal you’ve ever eaten?

When I was a teenager my family bought a pack of those frozen corn dogs.  I opened them up and threw a couple in the oven.  The sweet scent of MSG coated, artificially preserved batter wrapped weenies filled the house and got my stomach nice and excited for the deliciousness soon to come.  When they were done, I took them out, applied a liberal dose of mustard, and proceeded to take two or three hefty, hungry teenager sized bites.  When the funky, rancid, rubbery taste filled my mouth I knew something was wrong.  The batter on the outside was fine, but the hot dogs inside were shriveled up gray things that looked like bloated, mummified worms.  I vomited for at least fifteen minutes and it took me years to return to a corn dog.  Even now I peel off a bit of batter and make sure there’s no surprise waiting inside. 

At the edge of the Walmart parking lot nobody can hear you scream.

4.                                                                                                                                        What is the geekiest celebrity sighting you’ve ever had/or could potentially have (mine was comics/novelist Warren Ellis, I was afraid he was going to smack me in the face with his cane)?

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever had one.  I don’t get out much, and all my emails to Garth Ennis inviting him over for some Jameson’s go unanswered.  I think I met Nikita Koloff once.  But that may have been a nightmare I’m just remembering as reality. 

Garth Ennis has been writing a lot of Punisher and working out.

5.                                                                                                                                         You stand in front of two doors. One leads to your past and will allow you to change the outcome of one personal event. The other leads to your future (ten years from now) and while you’ll be able to see how your life has turned out you can’t change the outcome. Which door do you go through?

That’s an easy one.  The past.  Racing headlong towards a future that you can’t change wouldn’t just be scary as hell, it would be kind of boring.  The past?  There’s plenty of stuff to pick from to change back there.  Not quite in my life, but in the lives of some people who were very close to me.  As long as my Mom didn’t meet me and think I was hot or anything, I’d choose the past door every time.

The Time/Space Continuum might not have been the only thing screwed up.

6.                                                                                                                                         Your best friend calls. You are tasked to make a trip to the Home Depot to pick up tarp.  Exact specifications are provided, including the color.  Do you immediately think the worst and contact the authorities, or do you play along?

Play along, man.  If for no other reason than to find out why the hell the color of it matters.

FYI, it was for this.

7.                                                                                                                                         You are given the opportunity to make one universal law for yourself – a creed which you will follow until the end of time – and you can also make a universal law for the rest of humanity which they will also follow until the end of time.  What are these new laws?  They cannot be the same law, and they must be polar opposites of one another?

My initial instinct leads me to say: Humanity-wise it would just be to stop proliferating nonsense and to actually learn about a subject before they begin to scream to the heavens about it being fact.  I love knowledge, and the amount of misinformation on everything from herbal supplements to Bigfoot is amazing and frustrating to me.  But that means that the polar opposite of that would require me to constantly accept everything I read or hear as fact and then proudly proclaim it to be such every chance I get.  With that in mind…I’ll just say my creed will be to sleep in on Sunday.  Everyone else has to get up early and get stuff done.  Yeah.  I like that idea.

Ripped like Bigfoot? GNC, bitches!

8.                                                                                                                                           Do you listen to music when you write/edit? What are some must have’s on your current playlist?

Can’t do it unless it’s instrumental stuff or something I’ve heard so much that it’s ingrained in my subconscious.  I listen to the NIN album “Ghosts” a lot since it’s instrumental, or anything from the Drive by Truckers or the Gaslight Anthem since I’ve heard them so much they’re not distracting.  But usually it’s just the sweet, supple sounds of silence.

9.                                                                                                                                        Most embarrassing moment?

I don’t shame easily.  But I remember one time in elementary school showing up to school with toothpaste crusted on my lips.  It was right about the time that boys start learning about sexy time hijinks, so you can imagine the jokes made at my expense thanks to that nice, white crust in the corners of my mouth.  Even that was funny, though.  I guess I don’t get that embarrassed. 

Something similar happened to Dr. Phil. That’s why he yells all the time.

10.                                                                                                                                         With the market being so flooded with entertainment choices – especially in the ebook game – what do you feel audiences are truly looking for in a good story?  What are some of the things you feel set your stories apart from other stories in the sci-fi and horror genres?

I wish I knew what they were looking for, man.  I think it really just comes down to a good entertaining read in the end.  If you write a story that entertains and makes them forget the stress of their lives for a while, I think they like it.  As for what sets mine apart, I try to write multilayered stuff that will stay with you after you read it.  I hope my stories are entertaining, but at the same time I strive to write things that have subtle nuances beneath the surface.  I don’t know if I always succeed, but some people seem to think so.

11.                                                                                                                                     What you got coming up?  What upcoming project are you most looking forward to tackling?

Coming up will be the next books in the Southern Hauntings Saga from Angelic Knight Press.  “The Vagrant” is already out and has gotten great reviews, and the next book (and the official start of the Saga) is titled “The Girl” and will be out soon.  It’s a southern gothic ghost series about a man who has the ability to see ghosts.  He travels the south, essentially being hired by various clients looking to use his talents.  But he’s also running from a past that he can barely even remember.  I’m looking forward to driving further down the winding road that the series is taking, and I’m also working on an unrelated novel dealing with schizophrenia, ghosts, demons, and the breakdown of families.  I’m really excited about finishing it up, although it’s been the toughest thing I’ve ever written.

We’d like to thank Bryan Hall for stopping by and Stacey Turner of Angelic Knight Press for  putting us in touch and letting us know about Bryan’s fantastic books!

Click!

Now, an attention-whoring break:

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer.

Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.

Click!

11 Questions of Badassary w/Stephanie Fuller : Billy Purgatory Bets He’s Tastier Than Free Pizza & Wins!

This week America has once again shown it is all about celebrating freedom + there was getting drunk, and setting off tons of fireworks, and my Uncle Jebediah got incarcerated again for running an illegal chupacabra smuggling operation.  In his defense, there’s not really a legal one.  Until such time as calmer heads prevail in Washington I’m sure he’ll remain a chronic recidivist, or in his words, “A political prisoner due to the oppressive forces of the Illuminati and the soft-serve yogurt industry.”

You loose your job at Dairy Queen and start smuggling chupacabras to try and support three ex-wives it tends to put you at ideological odds with the principals our country was founded upon – and the inherent need for processed yogurt with crushed up Jolly Ranchers sprinkled atop it.

I guess my point is that a person’s word should be their bond.  A bet’s a bet.

Stephanie Fuller has become a friend of mine over the past few weeks due to…  Well, I’ll let her tell the strange circumstances as she answers

11 Questions of Badassary!  The Reaching Out To Readers Edition!

Stephanie Fuller aka @ImaFuller aka Pop-Culture Goddess aka She Read My Book So She’s Fucking Awesome!

1.
You describe yourself on Twitter as follows: Married, Mom, and Geek at heart. I’m into books, TV, movies and crafty things (crochet and scrapbook/card making). That is me in a nutshell. I’m pretty cool.

Please rattle off some of your geek credentials in the field of books, TV, and movies. We’ll save the crocheting and scrapbooking so you’ll have questions to answer when Martha Stewart’s blog comes a’callin’

-Wait…you’re NOT Martha Stewart???? No, ok…um…I feel so put on the spot…gah! Well, movies and TV…I’ll watch pretty much anything. If it sounds interesting, I’m game. If I have the time. Geeky stuff? I’ve watched all the Star Trek movies…and pretty much all the TV episodes. Also all the Star Wars movies (yes, all 6…Ewan McGregor is in 3 of those…hot damn!). I’ve watched many of the “super hero” movies…Batman, Superman, Spider-man, Iron Man (I apparently like to watch the men…he he he) and went to the theater for the latest Avenger movie. 

There was an ass-kicking woman in the Avenger’s too you know? Oh right, you were staring at Loki.

I like lots of pop culture movies and tv too. I rattle off random quotes from movies/tv too. Is that geeky? Oh and I LOVE Doctor Who!!! And Sherlock, both the BBC series and the Robert Downey Jr movies. 

Guy in the back in the blue shirt, “I can’t believe I’m getting paid right now to lean against this railing and stare at Black Widow in a rubber outfit.” Try to come up with a better caption than mine and I’ll send you a free Kindle copy of Billy Purgatory if you make me laugh! Put it in the comments below.

And Merlin (another BBC show!) Books…um…well, I don’t think I’m very geeky there. Most of the stuff I read are recommendations from friends or the occasional one that I saw on The Colbert Report. If I don’t like a book, I will not finish it. That is why I base my choices on recommendations. I read everything from John Grisham, Stephen King to um…well, a certain book w/a certain number of shades. Yes…I read it!!! Did that answer your question?

2.
Can you describe how we met on Twitter, and the wager, of Game of Thrones epicosity, that was constructed between you and I?

-Well. I met you as a “friend of a friend of a friend” on Twitter. Basically, a certain person *cough*StevenLuna*cough* is always throwing books my way to read. 

Surprisingly before now, I hadn’t picked Billy Purgatory up. Probably because it didn’t seem like something I’d like even though I have no idea why I thought that. Anyway…so, he brings you into the conversation. Words are exchanged and you end up promising me that if I buy your book and I DON’T like it, you’ll give me my dollar back. I really was kidding around with you, but then…THEN…you said that if I DIDN’T like Billy Purgatory, you’d buy me a PIZZA! I bought it right then and there!

3.
So you bought Billy Purgatory, and yet, you had Teriyaki Chicken for lunch the next day according to your Twitter feed. Were you trying to trick me, and in essence, the internet with your bold, yet confusing, choices?

-For the record, it wasn’t the next day. I bought the book on Tuesday (June 26th). The Teriyaki Chicken (and fried rice) was Wednesday (July 4th). I don’t play by the rules, so you’ll never understand my choices in food and what they really mean. Mwhahahaha! That Teriyaki Chicken was amazing though. *drool*

Oh, sorry I was off by a few days. Now tell me, what did I have for lunch yesterday? Cause I’m guessing you might have sources to clue you in.

4.
Do you think that people should still handle our differences by challenging one another to duels?

-That would be so awesome. Just not with real guns/bullets. Cause then people would be dueling over stupid shit like “She said my ass looked fat in this dress!”. Or “Hey, that was my parking spot, didn’t you see my turn signal from two isles over???” And then they’d be dead. Maybe water guns instead??? You aren’t planning on challenging me to a duel are you? If so, I change my answer. I’m too chicken for a duel.

If we start dueling again, I vote for the Sanjuro-stand-off!

5.
This is your “I’m a mom” question: Waterparks. WTF?

- As a child that didn’t have a pool growing up, the rare visit to the water park was the coolest thing ever!!! As a mom…I see it as a cesspool of germs, annoying people you don’t know, nor want to know and panic attacks when your child isn’t immediately within sight. Also, I hate being in public wearing a swimsuit.

Even creepier when they’re abandoned and all the kids have grown up and become restless and haunted young adults IE characters in a Marni Mann book.

6.
At one point, we were neck and neck in our battle for free pizza. Do you think you showed your hand too soon by revealing online that your ringtone is the Dr. Who Theme?

-Nah. If you go to my Twitter homepage, my wallpaper is covered in the TARDIS. Go check…I’ll wait. *whistles* It was never a secret that I love myself a Time Lord. Also, It is Doctor Who…not Dr. Who. 

7.
Are you ready to publically make peace with Amy Pond? Or, can you just not let it go?

-No. Never give up…never Surrender!

I don’t know what Amy Pond did that was so bad – but I’d sure as hell forgive her!

8.
Are you geeky enough to have ever gone to a “con”? And if you did/have attended a con did you dress up like a comic book character, a Star Trek character, or are you one of those ‘Magik The Gathering’ kinda gals?

-I did go to a “con” just a few months ago…my very first one! I live in a Chicago burb, so the whole family (husband, kidlet and I) went to C2E2 in Chicago. I got to meet Val Kilmer

Atari-Era Val.

and John Barrowman (Jack Harkness from Doctor Who/Torchwood) as well as a quick “Hi” with a couple cool Twitter friends I hadn’t met before. 

Wait! Lazlo wasn’t there?!?

I did not dress up for C2E2. It was kind of last minute, so I didn’t even have a way to throw something together as I am lacking in the geeky clothing department. I have no idea what I’d even go dressed as…probably something Doctor Who. Any ideas for next year? I’m a girl, so it will probably have to have the word “Sexy” in the beginning, right?

Don’t even roll your eyes, y’all knew I was gonna post some shit like this.

9.
As you read Billy Purgatory, what was the tipping point for you when you realized that you weren’t gonna get free pizza delivered to your house?

-Honestly, I never planned on getting the free pizza. As hilarious of a story that would be for my future grandkids to hear, I went in fully expecting to like and/or love Billy Purgatory. My friend *cough*StevenLuna*cough* has never steered me wrong yet w/a recommendation, and I was sure this wasn’t going to be the exception. However…there was one line that got to me hook, line and sinker and I knew this was going to be the end of my free pizza no matter how much I joked about it. Chapter 17, part 2. The whole part that I LOVE is 2 paragraphs starting with “The best times are the uncertain ones and the spontaneous ones.” The first line of the 2nd paragraph “Time is what always ruins no matter what.” Holy fucking shit, I felt like I had been kicked in the gut and had the wind knocked out of me. It made me start crying. Seriously. I’m not going to tell you why, but believe me…it resonated with me and still does. And it still makes me want to go cry. Make me feel feelings. Jerk.

Art by Thomas Boatwright

10.
What kinda geeky stuff would you like to see more of in entertainment? What would you like to see a lot less of?

-More Benedict Cumberbatch!!! Although, I don’t know if Benedict Cumberbatch qualifies as geeky, does he? I mean…he IS BBC’s Sherlock…and will be in the new Star Trek movie. Yeah, I think that will work…more Cumberbatch!!! 

She means this dude.

Less??? Um…well…it isn’t geeky, but less Kardashians and Reality TV!!!

Now she’s talking about this.

11.
What kind of pizza would you have ordered? Better make it a good one, cause I wasn’t springing for cheesy-bread or wings or any of that stuff. You could have had all the packets of grated cheese you wanted though – that shit’s free!

-There are so many options out there. Good ones, ok ones, terrible ones…and I live near Chicago, so Deep Dish or Stuffed is always amazing! But, I have my guilty pleasure pizza…Jets! 

Was this meant to taunt me?

That stuff is so freaking greasy…and so yummy! *drool* It has to be square though. Not that round shit! With the crispy corner pieces. And I don’t even need a lot of fancy toppings…just simple pepperoni (hell throw in mushrooms too) are good enough for me. 

To wash the Kardashian out of your eye-sockets!

Ok…now I know what I want for dinner tomorrow or maybe this weekend. Wait…I think I’ve changed my mind about Billy!

* * * * *

Thanks Stephanie, you’re badass!

Stephanie is a great sport for agreeing to do all this and letting me interview her.

This is the review that Stephanie wrote up for Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird:

“Billy Purgatory: I Am the Devil Bird” in one word…BADASS. You can’t see it, but both my hands are throwing up devil horns right now. It feels appropriate to do it with that word. I’m sorry…what? A one word review isn’t enough for you? Alright…fine.

This book combines all sorts of crazy and off the wall stuff all in one book. We’ve got vampires (no sparkles), zombies (not the walking kind), mythological peeps (think snakes) and one ring (er…boy) to rule them all.

Billy Purgatory isn’t your everyday kid. Not even close. Armed with his skateboard and badass (see, told you it was a great word to use to describe this book!) attitude, we start the book out with Billy’s memory as a 10 year old kid. And he meets a girl. *sigh* And just like Billy, she is nowhere near normal. And this will not be the first time they meet. *sigh*

Along the way, we learn more about Billy. The story is about him, after all. Time gets all wibbly-wobbly for me while reading this, as the author (Jesse James Freeman) has left a lot of age/place type information for your own minds to decide. I’m not complaining, though. It works. I’m just weird like that. During Billy’s life, he meets a few other people who are important to his journey. I’d go more into detail, but then you wouldn’t read it, would you?

Mr. Freemen is absolutely amazing at describing, well, everything. Amazing! So many times I felt like I was right there along with Billy. Like I could smell the zombie…hear the rain…this man is good. Real good. I found myself gasping a few times. And…he even made me cry once…or twice. Maybe. Also, he gives you the single most badass birth scene you’ll ever encounter..think “Kill Bill”…no joke!

My favorite books are the ones that keeps me up late reading, multiple nights in a row, until my eyes cannot stay open any more, trying to push through “one more chapter”. LOVE! So…if you haven’t figured it out yet…go read this book. Now. Do not pass go. Do not collect free pizza. Enjoy the badassery! Me? Now I have to wait for Billy to return…

Time Zombie says CLICK the picture!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer.

Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.

Cook Like A Badass!

People always ask me, “Jesse James, is it true that you live solely on a diet of Shiner Bock, Fruity Pebbles, and mushrooms that grow in your backyard?”  I must admit, that while that diet sounds not only delicious + nutritious that you have to factor in a little more than that to your day to day routine if you’re gonna keep writing books.  Writing books ain’t like dusting crops, boy – it takes all your electrolytes firing like it’s Gun Club Day at the Bunny Ranch.

I never expected to go into a career that involved so much mental stamina – I figured that I’d be dry-walling or working mall-security to earn my daily bread.  Let’s face it, I look damn good tooling around a mall parking lot in a golf-cart.

I own that shit.

But since being a writer-type was thrust upon me, I had to start shake-and-bakin’ more than my money-maker.  I realized that I had to get some serious props happening in the kitchen if I was gonna survive my excruciating routine of:

1) Research (ie watching Fox News on mute while drinking coffee.  I’m talking to you, Jenna Lee)

2) Writing (texting Jennifer Gracen and asking her where commas go and what the hell a semi-colon is – and why you can’t just use un-semi-colons all the time?  Especially now that I learned how to Tetris those two periods on top of one another)

3) Book Marketing (Tweeting with Steven Luna all day about how vampires are too damned proud to take jobs at Hot Topic, even though they were un-born for a job like that.  The mall stays open late and all and seriously – who would you trust more to turn up their nose at you and give a snarly, “I know you are not thinking you’ve got the earlobes to pull off those dangling Ankh hoops, girl.”)

Christi Price and I talk about all the stuff you can slice up with a Ginsu knife too.  We might quit book-marketing all together and bring that shit back like a boss!

So yeah, keeping it real means knowing your way around the kitchen!

In honor of this very patriotic holiday we’ve had mid-week this year, I made the executive decision to not spend the day building stuff with LEGOs and then blowing it up with Black Cats.

And instead, Bake a Legit-Damn Ham!

You might be asking yourself, “I wanna bake a Legit-Damn Ham too, why didn’t I think of that?”  Well, because there are leaders in the ham game, and there are followers.  I’m not gonna point out which of us is which because I don’t want you getting all pissed off and unfollowing my blog or starting some campaign on Twitter like I just said that Bieber doesn’t secretly wanna have your kittens.

Still, gaze upon my wonders and despair!

“What’s the recipe?”  See, I’m reading your mind like I’m one of those spoon-bending psychic som’bitches (which I just might be, I haven’t finished listening to all the 18 cassette Unlock Your Mind Power And Go Giza On The World’s Ass series yet).

You will need:

A Ham, or some vegan substitute, which I guess would look a lot like a ham but it’d be made of soybeans and sprouts or something awful.

You will need a means to cook said ham.  I like to use a really hot fire – and although I don’t necessarily use the full potential of my equipment (my baking equipment!), you might consider using a blow-torch or maybe a laser in case you need to get the temp up to like 10,000 degrees.

A pineapple.  This is pretty self-explanatory.  If they don’t have pineapples in the grocery store where you live steal one from a koala bear or some other animal that eats pineapples because we are the top of the food chain and we deserve it more than they do.  Snatch it quick though, ’cause they bite and it’s really hard to type this blog post when my fingers are still bleeding.

A can of those fancy cherries.  I like to hit one of those ritzy-hotel bars a day or two in advance and keep asking for extra cherries.  You can smuggle them out in a cocktail napkin with all the numbers you got because you look sensitive when you’re drinking stuff with cherries in it and you tell women that you’re Bill Gates’ son Larry Balderdash Gates the III’rd.  (add the III’rd part on there or the women aren’t gonna buy your story – and don’t tell them you left the jet out in the parking lot because women are way too smart to fall for that).

Put the fire to it and BOOM! #legitDamnHam

You do it right and you’ll have food for a week, can survive whatever plague is gonna kill us now that that Large Hard-On Collider found that piece of glitter or whatever it is they were looking for, and you might get your own TV show and get to hang out with…

Class dismissed!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer. 

Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.

Time Zombie says CLICK the picture!

11 Questions of Badassary w/ Belinda Frisch

Belinda Frisch is a writer you should know about, so I’m hosting her in 11 Questions of Badassary because that’s what this column is for.  It’s also for me to talk about drinking, and Yetis, and Alien Invasions, but today we’re mostly gonna talk about Belinda Frisch.  Isn’t it fun to do that?  Say it with me: Belinda Frissssssssssccccccchhhhhhhhhhh!

I just had a Sesame Street moment, not an Electric Company one – because Electric Company was kind of a Sesame Street knock-off, but it did have weird-too-animated Spider-Man so I can’t completely write it off.

Don’t get me started on Fraggle Rock though.

When these things rise up they are gonna go straight Sleestak on our asses!

Focus…

Zen…

Random Cat Meme…

As I was saying, Belinda Frisch is awesome and she writes scary books and I dig scary books like a fat kid tumbling around in an ice cream truck during an earthquake.

Author Belinda Frisch. It’s always the quiet ones you have to worry about when it comes to the scary-books.

Belinda Frisch’s fiction has appeared in Shroud Magazine, Dabblestone Horror, and Tales of Zombie War. She is an honorable mention winner in the Writer’s Digest 76th Annual Writing Competition and the author of DEAD SPELL, CRISIS HOSPITAL, TALES FROM THE WORLD, THE WARD, AND THE BEDSIDE and CURE, the first in the Strandville Zombie Series.

With all the stuff she’s writing it makes you wonder how she has any time left to write?

Her new book is called CURE (A Strandville Zombie Novel) and I was a little dissapointed to find out it had nothing to do with Robert Smith or black lipstick, but then I started reading it and I forgot all about All These Picture of Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

I just had a Cure moment…

Now, check this mad genius’ness’dom out:

The virus is spreading and must be contained. The center is going into lock-down. The group’s escape is threatened by a homicidal security guard and a raging storm. The town of Strandville is ground zero for the zombie apocalypse and Miranda must escape because the fate of humanity lies with her unborn child.

WTF, yes!  I had just died and gone to scary zombie-incubator-Heaven!

Focus on this book! Not the cats or the other Cure. Let it hypnotize, tantalize, let it seduce you!

So, if you dare and stuff, join me as we embark on another episode of 11 Questions of Badassary!

1.

You’ve written a lot of stuff, some of it is fancy like real world sounding stuff and there were quite a few short stories and working your way towards ‘the novel’ stuff.  Would you say that Dead Spell kinda started it all in regards to the author-road you’re on now?  What inspired you to come up with the story for Dead Spell and tell us a little bit about it?

Nothing says “Fun for the whole family!” like razor blades and blood drops.

 

Dead Spell was my “debut” novel. It was a painful first, in some respects, because the main character, Harmony, is homage to a troubled teen past that I didn’t put behind me until Dead Spell was out. The story is about two best friends who, after playing with a Ouija board, are haunted by a malevolent spirit. Harmony has a terrible home life and both she and her mother are plagued by mental illness. There’s a lot going on in her world and it’s hard for her to separate what’s real, supernatural, or imagined. Of course the story is really a putting together of pieces to find out the ghost’s identity. It’s geared toward older YA and like I said, it’s a first. That being said, people who identify with Harmony’s character have really loved it. It’s niche horror, for sure.

2.
I know more female authors that write horror than I do any other genre, which to me is completely badass, what do you think is the appeal to the scary for you?  I mean, is it a way of speaking about relevant issues in the world in an entertaining and exciting way, or are we all just a little screwed up in the head?

I’ll cop to being screwed up. There was a period in my life that was so unbelievably dark I can’t imagine a lot of people being where I was. Horror has always “thrilled” me. I watched scary movies as a kid, read scary books as a teen, and it’s still my favorite genre. I love how a good horror movie can have you running to your bed in the middle of the night afraid of what’s under it. The lingering effect is exhilarating.

Okay. Hmmmmm… I wonder what AJ Aalto’s excuse is then? Canada?

3.
Your new book is called Cure and the book description includes this little bit of happiness: “Nixon impregnates Miranda with a zombie fetus, but her imprisonment at the center is short-lived. A rescue team led by Scott, her estranged ex-husband, releases her and the infected on the unsuspecting hospital population.”  Can you give the world any insight into what special care is involved in raising a zombie fetus into being a well-adjusted and productive member of society?

Without too much of a spoiler, the fetuses in Cure don’t make it. I’ve given a lot of thought to the latter because the sequel in progress, Afterbirth, does feature some that do and there will definitely be some tricky feeding instructions with those little suckers. Thank goodness for pointy teeth!

Is there a “Don’t Kill Mommy” Baby Einstein Video?

4.
While we’re on the subject, crack an egg of knowledge on our asses about Cure and tell us how you came up with the idea and what it’s all about?

Here’s the official blurb:

Welcome to the Nixon Healing and Research Center, refuge for the indigent sick and playground for the maniacal Dr. Howard Nixon whose cancer research has him dabbling in the undead. His human-zombie breeding program is falling apart and only Miranda Penton can save it.

Miranda gave up her budding military career to marry a fellow soldier but when their first child is stillborn, it’s more tragedy than their new marriage can handle. One year later, following her painful divorce, Miranda accepts an unexpected job offer to join Nixon’s security team. Her recruitment is part of Nixon’s dark plan and she quickly becomes one of his captives.

Nixon impregnates Miranda with a zombie fetus, but her imprisonment at the center is short-lived. A rescue team led by Scott, her estranged ex-husband, releases her and the infected on the unsuspecting hospital population.

The virus is spreading and must be contained. The center is going into lock-down. The group’s escape is threatened by a homicidal security guard and a raging storm. The town of Strandville is ground zero for the zombie apocalypse and Miranda must escape because the fate of humanity lies with her unborn child.

The idea sprang from fifteen years in the medical field and a morbid curiosity about reproductive medicine. I wouldn’t have considered myself a sci-fi writer, but some are calling Cure a sci-fi/horror crossover which brings to mind the movie Splice.

Really? Cause it brings to mind this!

5.
Are zombies more fun to write than other monsters?  Do you get a lot of emails from the wolfman and draculas where they bitch, like “Why you gotta write about zombies all the time?  Why not work a wolfman into something?  Are you more of a cat person?”

I did get an email from Edward Cullen the other day. He was babbling on about me neglecting the vampire community, but he sparkles and so I hung up. If Lestat calls, I’ll consider it. Wolfman, last I’d heard, had his phone shut off for non-payment.

“Okay Belinda, but I still like watching you sleep.”

6.
What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you in real life that freaked you out more than your books freak us out?

“Scary” is individual and honestly, I have no “And then my life flashed before my eyes” stories. The scariest thing that ever happened to me was when my son and I were in a car accident and the air bag temporarily blinded him. His face was burned and swollen and there’s nothing scarier to a mother than something bed happening to her child. He healed perfectly and we’ve moved on, but I was terrified.

7.
If you had a magic book that would explain anything to you that you don’t understand, what would you have it explain?  You can’t say The Kardashians.

Explain anything? I don’t think there’s a force in the universe that could answer for the Kardashians. Or Jersey Shore. As a writer, I’d love for this magic book to explain why some books succeed when so many great ones fail.

I Google’d ‘Kim Kardashian reading a book’, but sometimes you gotta go with better treasures.

8.
With the current nature of audiences being so advanced and having seen the same tropes presented over and over again, do you feel that it’s harder to scare people nowadays?  Who does it right and who’s still doing it wrong?

I’m not one for pointing fingers because “right” and “wrong” are as subjective as what is and isn’t “scary”. We all have different thoughts and fears, but Joe Schreiber is one of my favorite horror writers. Eat the Dark also takes place in a hospital and Joe hails from a background in medicine as well. It’s no surprise that I enjoy his work.

9.
What movies scare you?  I had to turn off John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness as a kid because I was watching it in the middle of the night and I was like ‘Oh fuck this Alice Cooper shit’

The original Exorcist is one of the few movies that actually scares  me. I think modern horror movies have gone too slasher-gory to be scary. The gross-out and shock factors mixed with heaping helpings of sex ruin the scare. The Hostel series and Saw movies are the biggest offenders. I might be desensitized.

10.
Is Cure gonna be a series and is that what the whole Afterbirth project is about?  How are you gonna take the ‘Awe Hellz Nah’ to the next level?

Cure is the first in the Strandville Zombie Series. It stands-alone as an escape horror novel, but I think leads nicely into Afterbirth, its sequel. Cure is pre-apocalyptic and while I might have gone too far with it, Afterbirth will go even farther. For some reason, Cure’s unsettled some people (in a good way) with the infant experimentation.  Afterbirth takes place in post-apocalyptic Strandville where the hybrids are more important than ever to humanity’s survival. The remaining characters from Cure will be facing old enemies and new grudges and will be more desperate and cut-throat than ever with the town gone savage.

Hopefully this off-sets all the fetus-experimenting and zombie Fisher-Price we just talked about above. Weebles Wobble everybody, we’re gonna make it through the zombie apocalypse.

11.
You find yourself in a park just outside the city where you are spending the afternoon communing with nature and contemplating the green of the grass and the blue of the sky.  You consider that perhaps you have fallen into some strange mirror universe where the squirrels are plotting against mankind and you are the only person who might be able to talk some sense into them before their evil plan unfurls.  Would you use diplomacy and talk reason or is it open season on the squirrel cabal?

I’m afraid the z-poc side of me says that logic and reason doesn’t work with extremist squirrels or zombies. Hand me the shotgun and get out of the way. It’s open season.

11 Questions of Badassary would like to thank Belinda Frisch for graciously answering our questions!

Now buy it!  Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat….?

Click it!

This one will scare the crows right out’ta grandma’s weed patch too!

Click it!

Make it rain!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer.

Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.

Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

Billy Purgatory Travels the World (kind of…

There is almost nothing that is absolute in this world we live in.  Yetis are snorting bath salts, Aliens are abducting Kardashians, The Real World is still on the air … sometimes it seems like the whole world has gone brick-shithouse-crazy.  There is one thing that I can rely on though, and will always be able to rely on no matter what they’re reporting on TMZ – I have the most amazing friends in the world.

This is not an over-speculation on my part, it’s a fact.  Sometimes it doesn’t take much to hammer the point home, that people believe in you and they were thinking about you.  That they took the time to do something kinda silly, but amazingly cool all the same.

My friends Justin & Laurel Matthews just went on vacation to sunny Orlando, and they took Billy Purgatory with them and brought back photographic evidence to prove it.  It’s not that they took the pictures – it’s that they had the idea that’s so damn cool.  They took time out of their lives to do it.

Your friends are thinking about you, and they have your back.  If you ever lose sight of that, they’ll show you in the weirdest ways.  Take comfort in your friends, everybody.  They’re special and you’re special to them.  They laugh at your dumb jokes (most times, they’re the only ones that get them), they’ll embarrass you by having the waiters make you stand on chairs at restaurants while the waiters sing Happy Birthday to you, they’ll kill zombies with you when the shit goes down.

Isn’t that what it’s all about?

(I robbed these out of Laurel’s FB album “Where has your Billy been?” with permission)

“The white man’s gods will not let him die.”

Solving crime!

On a Yeti Hunt!

Billy Purgatory ain’t afraid of no ghosts!

Relaxing on an exotic Florida beach!

Jungle Book!

“Mom?”

Chillaxin’ at Animal Kingdom!

Sherlock Holmes left that there!

Justin Matthews pays homage to a legend at Disney Hollywood Studios!

Laurel Matthews made the Hollywood Tower of Terror her bitch!

Thanks Justin & Laurel – you’re both completely badass!

Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

I am the Interstellar-Bodhisattva + Billy Purgatory still FREE

Friends (and the nine other people who read this blog), my adventures across the galaxy with the would-be invading Mozrian Saucer Attack Armada have ended.  I have been returned to you after achieving enlightenment (not so much in the wearing robes all day and chanting/eating rice sense, but more like the wow I can’t believe I drank that much and hangovers are so much worse in zero-G sense).

Japanese Zen master Sesso warned, “There is little to choose between a man lying in the ditch heavily drunk on rice liquor, and a man heavily drunk on his own ‘enlightenment’!”

The Saucer-People were forced to bring me back, even though there were many badass things I had yet to teach their space-culture, due to an unfortunate incident on Venus (or as they call it, Las Venus) involving an alien showgirl (before you ask, she did kinda look like Gina Gershon) and the Earth/Solar System at Large Annulment Treaty (which was enacted in secret during the Clinton administration).

The one on the left ('cause I've never been THAT drunk)

So, I’m technically banned from space and have to wear an ankle-monitor which starts blinking like a Mean Girl at the cocaine-jewelry store if I happen to get too high (no, not that kind of high – like on a rocket ship high).  I’m shrugging off the bad stuff and rolling with the punches, because I guess it was time to return to good old planet Earth.  Especially with the vast knowledge of the greater-universe and the nature of philosophy-bullshit and etc that I have now.  I’m pretty sure I was sent back to change the world, kind of like when all those rock stars get together and sing when a kid falls down a well.

 

I don’t want to hit you with all this knowledge all in one blog post.  I feel it’s a lot more fair to the people of our planet if I take time to collect all of my thoughts and arrange them into a 27 volume audio cassette collection, that way your brain won’t explode like Scanners and you can listen and learn at your leisure – or however fast you wanna set up the installment plan to send more tapes via your credit card (except you people with Diners – you know, join us in the 90′s why don’t'cha).

So, listen to me if you want to – and I’ll try my best to explain to you alien stuff.  Oh, and listen to Charlize Theron too, I don’t know why she’s important, but she is.  The aliens refer to her as the High Laser Priestess – they might also be really confused from watching Aeon Flux on a loop (because, it happened to me – but there’s no need to go into my rehab at that place in Malibu story again).

Google needs to up the search potential for 2 Days in the Valley

The saucer’s dropped me off in Orlando, Florida – which is a collection of strip malls and suburban homes all ruled by Mickey Mouse – I felt it was a good and accurate sampling of Americana.  While I was there, I took a walk around Disney World to collect my thoughts (and to drink, because that’s how we roll in Epcot):

First I drank in Germany...

...then I had pizza in Italy.

I went Yeti Hunting!

(I'm totally working my vacation photos into this blog post - pretend you don't notice) I don't know what that thing is across the lake, but it's shiny and that's pretty badass.

My doctor told me to add more fruit into my diet - so I drank mojitos.

Then I called Amy Pond...

... ! ...

...then Amy Pond and I had beers. She talked about how cool it was to be famous and I was like, "Yeah, I know."

Then we captured rhinos together!

After a plane ride (ironically, I sat next to an astronaut on the flight – I’m not making that up),  I again found myself on my secure forest moon of Endor compound, and as soon as I finish typing this blog post and tagging it with stuff like Charlize Theron is a Laser Princess and Gina Gershon in Viva Las Venus, I will again be hard at work on the sequel to Billy Purgatory (Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, etc etc).

"You are under contract for a sequel + mama needs her cupcakes!"

Speaking of Billy Purgatory, I have noticed that it has been FREE the entire time that I was kidnapped by alien saucer girls – I can only assume that my publisher did this because they felt that I was probably dead/never coming back/in space prison and they wanted to honor my memory.  Even though I have lost millions thousands some dollars because of this – I have decided to let the book remain FREE while I finish up the sequel this week.

I urge you to check it out – again, it’s fucking FREE and if you don’t get a copy, and tell your friends to get a copy, and take your grandma’s Kindle from her and download a copy onto it for her (just tell her you’re gonna hook her up and “stop the clock from flashing” – that ALWAYS works) you’ll be letting the space-aliens win!

Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy Purgatory dares you to join him.

FREE Kindle, Click and make it rain!

Check out Joe Vampire on Kindle! It's badassary approved.

Sequel!

Still Alien Abducted + Writers I Admire + Billy Purgatory FREE on Kindle

Greetings brothers and sisters of Planet Earth!  The Mozrian Saucer Armada pulled into a club on the not-so outer-ring of Saturn.  I thought the rave on Pluto last night would have shut these guys and green girls down – but if there’s anything I can report with any certainty to all of you who are scared that aliens are gonna blow you up – it’s that aliens are way too distracted getting their club on to worry about a full-scale invasion.

There's a reason Space-Aliens abducted Randy Quaid.

It’s seriously like you dropped a Kardashian into a shoe store and told her there was a free E! Channel Wedding Coupon hiding in one of the boxes of Jimmy Choo’s – the party is kicking until someone is stumbling out with a new financee and a fancy pair of strappy heels.

Now's your chance, dude - her Fiiii - Ance left her!

So anyway, club life in the outer cosmos doesn’t look like it’s stoppin’ anytime soon.  Meanwhile, while I’m out here trying to get alien girls to notice me – which is a whole set of problems beyond getting regular girls to notice me – back on Earth a lot of people have downloaded their FREE Kindle copy of Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird.  People seem to really be into the idea of checking out what Billy Purgatory is all about + they seem to like getting stuff free too – it’s my pleasure to provide both of these things to anyone who wants them.

Billy Purgatory cover art by the amazing Thomas Boatwright!

A writer who I follow on Twitter by the name of Tim Queeney – who wrote some really cool books that I like, George In London & The SHIVA Compression + runs a really funny site called Height of Eye, was nice enough to read Billy Purgatory and write up a review.  I guess I’m never really prepared fully for people to like the book enough to write a review, much less say stuff like this:

The first few pages of Billy Purgatory seal the deal. You quickly realize that this is no ordinary skatekid, vampire, monster, devil bird book. Billy Purgatory is a phantasmagorical thrill ride into a world of teenage love, blood dripping undead and one of the most outrageously entertaining birth scenes ever written. More than merely a humorous, stylish foray into the horror genre, however, this book also resonates with themes of love, loss and acceptance of the way that life can hold us back, even break us. The last thing you might expect about so entertaining and imaginative a book like this is how touching and ultimately true it is. If there is something about Billy Purgatory that might not work for some readers, it might be the book’s episodic/dreamlike structure that doesn’t move like a standard linear plot. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from grabbing a copy of Billy and going for a wild ride!

The fact he’s a fellow author who I respect and am a fan of just makes it all better.

Billy Purgatory is still bouncing around the Top Ten on Kindle’s Contemporary Fantasy list (#6 last time I checked) and it’s still FREE and I’d love for you to get yourself a copy and I’d love even more to hear what you think about it.  When I get back to Earth, I’m probably gonna charge money for it (if I’m not too hung over from all these future drinks to remember to change the price).

Click for Time Zombie Transportation!

Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy dares you to join him.

Other Earth-Badassary News that I heard about today (via Space-Twitter)…

Author R.B. Wood has re-launched his outstanding novel The Prodigal’s Foole today!

Check out this smoking hot cover – it’s sweeter than space-love!

Patricia Tallman, from Babylon 5 gave him an even sweeter cover blurb:  “GREAT RIDE! Loved reading it.  Couldn’t put it down!”

Classy hot space lady! Patricia Tallman, you're doing it right *sigh*

The Prodigal's Foole is FREE for a limited time for you to grab up too! Click!

A man can run from his past … but not his future.

Symon Bryson lives in self-imposed exile until Monsignor DuBarry goes missing and not even the most adept of the magic practitioners can determine the reason for the abduction. The clues lie buried in the past amidst epic battles and horrific losses but reliving that failed mission uncovers fresh challenges and fearsome threats that reunite his old team.

Symon must deal with his own hidden demons and confront the menace that threatens the delicate balance of power. When the darkest of all evils lures Symon into springing a long-planned trap, an unsuspecting world will confront the unthinkable.

When all that stands between Heaven and Hell is magic, more than faith will be tested.

Check out Tim Queeney too!

Click on George!

“George in London is funny and a touch irreverent, a fun voyage which, if it didn’t happen, we should wish it did. Tim Queeney captures the spirit of the young Washington and surrounds him with a cast of compelling characters, foremost among them the indomitable Darius Attucks. And if the personal history is made up, the social history is spot on. The customs, speech and eighteenth century settings are rendered with well-researched accuracy. For readers who might like their history leavened with humor, this book is for you.”

-James L. Nelson, author of the books, “George Washington’s Secret Navy: How the American Revolution Went to Sea” (McGraw Hill); “George Washington’s Great Gamble: And the Sea Battle That Won the American Revolution” (Ragged Mountain Press) and “With Fire and Sword: The Battle of Bunker Hill and the Beginning of the American Revolution” (Thomas Dunne Books).

Click the Missile!

The ultimate doomsday weapon: The top secret SHIVA Compression virus can automatically launch all U.S. nuclear missiles. Once released onto the nation’s communications networks, SHIVA cannot be turned off.

Air Force Lieutenant Perry Helion stumbles across a twisted cult that seeks to use SHIVA to produce an orgy of destruction. Perry and his team have only a few days to somehow stop the SHIVA virus from burrowing into the launch computers at every Minuteman missile base and sending the nuclear warheads arcing skyward to an all-consuming firestorm.

Rave on Pluto + Saucer Report + Billy Purgatory FREE on Kindle

I can’t figure out what all these abduct’ee folks keep going on and on about – it’s a mystery to me.  Being held captive on the Mozrian Attack Saucer has been the best party I’ve been to since Charlie Sheen and I got kicked out of The Mansion.  Last night, or however that works in outer space, we went to a rave on the planet Pluto (and yeah, snobby astronomers, Pluto is a planet – and the Pluto’y'ans are straight pissed about that still).  Armin van Buuren was spinnin’, it’s called A State of Pluto up there – and FYI if a green lady ever offers you any little star-shaped pills TAKE THEM (they’re cool *wink wink*).

Dancing on top of a speaker stack while a million aliens chant, “Cupcakes, bitch!” – it just doesn’t get any more intergalactic than that.  I’m pretty sure I’m not coming back at this point – I’m worshiped in outer space – a lot like Oprah is.

"You owe me Billy Purgatory 2! You have a contract and we'll extradite your ass!"

I feel a lot like that guy, that made that mountain out of mashed potatoes because he thought he saw E.T. – and they hadn’t invented Reese’s Pieces yet.  They took that guy into space too, which is weird because as far as I’ve seen there aren’t any sharks in space – so I don’t know what good he’d have done any outer-space people.  Maybe he wrote another Opus like he did in Amsterdam?

"The Aliens should'a abducted that Quint guy - he's a badass!"

Dammit, ya know – those pills that alien gave me tasted just like peanut butter – guess I’m just naturally high on my own space-badassary + never trust a green chick!

"Billy Purgatory is #3 on Kindle Contemporary Fantasy cause flying through hyperspace ain't like dustin' crops, boy!"

Meanwhile, Space-Twitter (which is way cooler than Earth-Twitter because it’s all holograms and they say stuff like, “Help me Jesse James, you’re my only hope!”, which is pretty awesome to hear finally – anyway – I have been alerted that Billy Purgatory is still FREE on Earth Kindle (on Space Kindle it’s 27 Million Galactic Credits)!  So, anyone on Earth has been put on notice – you better get it free while I’m raving on Pluto and green-chicks are distracting me with Reese’s Pieces (and well, other stuff about them is distracting, but you know Don’t hate the space-player hate the Game!)…

Plus, I heard Tupac came back to life – which is completely badass!

Click to fly your ass into space! (okay, it just takes you to Amazon and you can get Billy Purgatory for FREE on Kindle!)