A Badass Reads Something Romantical: Caramel and Magnolias by Tess Thompson

I’ve had some down-time lately, and this has allowed me to catch up on some reading; and by down-time I mean that incident at the Winter Carnival (which I can’t talk about according to my court-appointed lawyer, but I will say that driving a tractor with a goat as your co-pilot should not be considered reckless endangerment, anyone who’s had to sit through a Law & Order marathon on TNT knows that). There are only so many hours in the day I can Tweet Ralph Macchio to taunt him into agreeing to fight me in the Valley Karate Championship, and after a case of Schlitz the thrill of that life goal kinda wears off and seems zenfully shallow.

This is an actor that looks like Norman Rockwell trying to sell you Schlitz.

This is the real Tess Thompson and not an actor trying to sell you cough syrup.

This is my karate nemesis. I could take him in a fight, even though he has really nice hair.

Since it is winter, all the creeks have frozen up and the elusive Yeti has gone into hibernation, which always strikes me as a little odd — shouldn’t winter be prime-time for Yetis? But I digress, the point of this article is to illustrate that I needed something to do to occupy my brain, steel-trap beasts like that brain of mine need to stay well oiled or they become rusty, like that C3-PO that Dorothy found on the Yellow Brick road to Oz near those talking trees.

Talking trees are total dicks, fyi.

After I played a few games of Words With Friends and kicked Karla Nellenbach and Alec Baldwin’s ass by using the words Fahrvergnügen and Bassoon in a combination they just weren’t ready for, I decided that I needed something fresh and unique to set my synapses all a-flutter.

I made this in MS Paint cause I take blogging seriously and no expense is spared.

It also had to be something that wouldn’t set off the electronic ankle-bracelet.

This is when I discovered that I had been emailed an advance copy of a new book by Tess Thompson entitled Caramel and Magnolias. Now, the title was instantly intriguing, as I have known two pleasant young ladies in my past who happened to be named Caramel and Magnolia respectively. I quickly discovered by doing a word search on the document that these were not the same ladies, as glitter wasn’t used once in the manuscript.

I’m talking about this book right here. Tess wrote it, not the guy trying to sell you Schlitz.

Still, why not? I decided to read (well, some parts I had my Uncle Lester Earl read out loud to me, because he sounds everything out and it was kinda funny, but ultimately distracting).

As I dug deeper into this book, I wasn’t ready for what was being presented to me. What was this strange world that Tess Thompson had created? Who were these people? When would we find out that the Loch Ness Monster was involved?

Turns out, this was one of those romantical books.

Like this.

See, there’s this nice schoolteacher lady named Cleo, with a broken-heart from something that happened to her in her past that involved a box of donuts (before you jump to conclusions, you’re probably thinking the same thing that I was, but it turns out it’s not that). Then there was this other lady named Sylvia who wanted to have a baby and, right when she thinks she’s got everything she wants, tragedy strikes. Turns out Sylvia has a longing-heart, she’s in love with this dude and he’s in love with her too, but neither one of them will tell one another. So, it made me go, “Dude, tell her you love her and stuff. Cause if you don’t then you’re gonna be an old man and have this weird bucket-list and one of the things you have to check off is going to the Walgreens and buying a Hey, I’m an old dude now, and I should have told you that I loved you card with a picture of a cute kitten on the front of it…

Just letting you all know, you’d think that cute kitten card trick would work, but turns out the rate of success in real-world scenarios is not that high.

This stuff totally works though.

For guys like me, that are totally in touch with their emotions and Deepak Chopra talks to you in your head like Obi-Wan Kenobi, it was easy to get wrapped up in this story. The characters are very well written and have interesting back-stories (I never thought I’d admit something like this, but the character work in this is even better than the cast of The Expendables, and that had Stallone, Willis, and Schwarzenegger).

Just when you think life can’t get anymore zen.

The more I think about Caramel and Magnolias, the more I consider that it’s not just about all that love stuff, there’s cross-genre appeal (I just copied cross-genre appeal out of an article about The Hunger Games, so you’re welcome, universe). There’s buddy cop stuff going on, there’s crime and intrigue, there’s a little solving a murder sprinkled in. The only thing missing really is Space Marine, and I can’t fault Tess Thompson on that — because after Aliens where do you go with it that hasn’t already been covered?

Fighting Aliens all day is hard. Luckily, Sigourney Weaver tucked them in every night and then read Riversong to them.

And in case I freaked you out above by talking about cute cat pictures, there’s a mean cat in this book. I’m not entirely convinced that it’s not a werewolf pretending to be a cat. We’ll have to wait for a sequel to learn the truth on that one. If it’s set in London and Jenny Agutter offers to take care of someone then Tess Thompson will have already tipped her hand to the involvement of a secret lycanthrope conspiracy.

Click for Rob Kelly’s Illustration Blog!

The cats in this book didn’t need to be cute anyway, there’s babies that take care of that action. For those of you who love cute babies with dimpled chins, this book is for you. I am glad to see cute babies getting their due in modern fiction. I was just reading some Dan Brown the other day (okay, I was watching that movie because the cable company forgot to lock the box that turns off my HBO) and I was saying to myself “You know, you good looking badass, you — Tom Cruise does a good job solving these mysteries and running through the Vatican, but could he take care of a baby?” I’m calling you out, Top Gun. Tom Selleck, Steve Guttenberg, and Ted Danson have got nothing to prove in the baby taking-care-of department. So far, all we know about you is that you take after-volleyball showers at Kelly McGillis’s house and talk to a soccer ball.

It always ends up being Val Kilmer that ties everything together.

So, if you’re not like my Uncle Lester Earl and you didn’t quit school in the 5^th grade so you could run away with the carnival, therefore, know how to read books, Caramel and Magnolias has something for you.

Read these words and let Tess Thompson school you on babies, and love, and cops, and cops in love, and pianos, and how to make stuff out of glass, and beer. You should get off the sidelines, and read Caramel and Magnolias.

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(In the interest of full disclosure, and since I cannot afford two lawyers at the same time, I am a part of the Booktrope family, who is the publisher of Caramel and Magnolias. Tess Thompson or Booktrope in no way endorsed this article (or even wanted it) and Tess did not pay me $20 to write it, even though I might have asked her to. What? I was drunk.)

Click for Tess’s blog!

Tess Thompson is a mother before all else, and a writer after that. She’s also a Zumba queen, though the wearing of the crown is reserved for invitation-only appearances. After honing her craft in theater with a prize-winning play titled My Lady’s Hand, her heart was called to a different storytelling medium: the great American novel.

And all was right with the world.

The first of these, Riversong (Booktrope Editions), went on to become #1 on Barnes and Noble’s Nook Book chart in October 2011. Two years after its release, readership ofRiversong continued to grow, spending weeks in the top 100 Kindle bestsellers; it’s known amongst her friends and family as “the little book that could.”

And now, I try and sell you Schlitz…

Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five is the second book in Jesse James Freeman’s Billy Purgatory series. He has been at war with dark forces (stuff like: cobras, lasers, yetis) his entire life. He enjoys Tweeting, scented candles, and waffles. He is hard at work on Billy Purgatory 3 and an epic poem entitled Witches vs Robots.

Click for Amazon!

Click for Amazon!

11 Questions of Badassary w/ Gale Martin

In the future, after society has collapsed and then we go through a dark age where there’s no cable TV and people have to wash their own cars, there’ll be a great temple built on a mountain or some-such somewhere showcasing knowledge and blah-dee-blah.

But down the street (probably close to the House of Wings & Beer) there’ll be another temple that’ll show off all the great minds that really got humanity back on its feet.  The Temple of Badassary!  I do not have one doubt in my mind that there’ll be a statue in that joint of Gale Martin.  I figure she’ll be rockin’ like one of those lady-togas and a viking helmet.

Gale is throwing a pretty spectacular party all this week that people are calling a “blog-tour” (whatever the hell that means). She just released her new book, Grace Unexpected

I just came for the rave, yo.  Anyway, you can win all kinds of book prizes and stuff over at her website and there’ll be all kinda details about that down the page – after your eyes and cortex-stuff in your brain has been massaged by

Gale Martin answers 11 Questions of Badassary!

Cake or death? No, really. Cupcake or cupcake wine…or death?

I much prefer Cupcake wine to a real cupcake though death favorably compares to a cupcake. Shakespeare once said, “Parting is such sweet sorrow” but now that I think about it, Shakespeare was a plagiarist. What you don’t know is that my soul is an ancient one, reincarnated many times over. Will Shakespeare and I were at a plague-on-both-yo house party, and I said, “Death is a cupcake.” The rest is history.

And I much prefer the Avengers Gyneth Paltrow.

Tell us some stuff that’ll blow our minds about your badass book, Don Juan in Hankey, PA?

Well, Don Juan in Hankey, PA constitutes a major karmic whammy for old Will Shakespeare. He wrote a lesser known tragicomic play called Don Juan in Hankey, Pastureleisterfordcestershire ( Pastureleisterfordcestershire is pronounced “PA” in England). Since he stole my cupcake line, I lifted his play, scene for scene, and submitted it to Booktrope as my own story (but don’t tell anyone at Booktrope I told you that, ‘kay?)

I’m no Heidi Klum, but I know House of Style when I see it.

Who was the last person you texted? Was it sexy?

The last person I texted was Addison Rinehart, one of the characters in my NEW book Grace Unexpected, who is a hot young guy (24!), who is interested in fooling around with Grace, but I mean who isn’t interested in fooling around with Grace. (The lines between reality and fiction are blurred to me.) But since Grace is on the Shaker Plan and has sworn off men, I texted Addison with this message: Whoze ur cougar?

You find yourself in a park just outside the city where you are spending the afternoon communing with nature and contemplating the green of the grass and the blue of the sky.  You consider that perhaps you have fallen into some strange mirror universe where the squirrels are plotting against mankind and you are the only person who might be able to talk some sense into them before their evil plan unfurls.  Would you use diplomacy and talk reason or is it open season on the squirrel cabal?

I was totally expecting this question. I no longer have cabal. I have switched to the Dish Network, so that when they make a movie out of GRACE UNEXPECTED, I will actually be able to watch it and won’t have to ask Ken Shear, Booktrope Publisher, “What is the frequency, Kenneth?”

Gale Martin telling that elf chick she has to fight in the Hunger Games.

What’s the most badass part of being a writer? 

The most badass part is rubbing elbows with guys from Texas who unabashedly eat bacon donuts and commingled Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles–perhaps not even for breakfast.

What’s the least badass part? 

The least badass part is getting great reviews from book bloggers and from readers on Amazon and Goodreads. I want some stinky reviews, people. Suffering builds character, and I need more character. The blog “Book Evolution” just gave GRACE UNEXPECTED “five out of five huge stars.” How is that kind of review going to help me win the Nobel Peace Prize (which is my dream deferred).

You should read this or someone is gonna write 50 Shades of Snooki.

You are alone in the center of a long hallway – there is a closed door at either end.  If you open the door to your left you feel you will step into a room which contains a person you currently know and are comfortable with and you will remain with them for the rest of your days.  If you open the door to your right, you will find a person who you do not know and are not sure what the outcome of spending the rest of your days with them will entail.  Left, right, or do you never make the choice?

This is a question about “Lady and the Tiger”, isn’t it? That’s easy. The tiger.

Lady Tiger, indeed!

In the dinocapolypse, what will be your dinosaur of choice to ride into battle?

Another easy one. The saber-toothed tiger, the second most common fossil mammal found in the La Brea tar pits.

For the first time ever, I got nothin’.

Tickle our tastebuds with some of the badassary you have planned for upcoming projects?  What’re you most excited about?

Like the bounding cow of nursery rhyme fame, I am over the moon about my newest book GRACE UNEXPECTED. I love the relationship between Grace and her assistant Philip Good, aka Goody. They BOTH took the Superhero Dating Quiz and each learned their ideal match is Iron Man. I mean, wouldn’t that be great to date the same superhero as the guy working for you? Grace and Goody also both love zucchini. I think a love for Iron Man and zucchini must be related somehow.

Helium balloons on a string, hot air balloons, or balloon animals?  When, how and why?

Definitely hot air balloons. Here’s a scene from Chapter 19 of GRACE UNEXPECTED called “Alas, Poor Latex.”

 

From the air, Pennsylvania was a patchwork of purples and golds with neat cornfields in the distance, punctuated by white silos. “This is beautiful,” I said. “I’m surprised I feel so relaxed. Sometimes I have a touch of vertigo, but I’m not feeling at all dizzy.” Then I caught a whiff of True’s cologne. I was such a sucker for cologne.

He took a deep breath in, filling his lungs with the morning’s rare air. “It goes where the currents take us.”

At first the roar of the propane jets startled me. But as we floated in the hot air balloon over the vineyard, I was struck with how serenely we sailed along when the jets weren’t burning hot vapor into the balloon. At one point it dipped so close to the ground, I could have plucked leaves off the grape arbor. I gazed at the reflection of the balloon shimmering on the surface of a small pond and felt lucky for the first time in ten years.

Now tie all that in with Christopher Walken and then tie him in with Kevin Bacon.

Is it true you listen to tons of opera when you write or is that just a vicious rumor?

I only listen to opera while writing during my day job. In fact, I have Opera Music Broadcast.com streaming all day long in my office because it helps me concentrate (I have adult ADHD). When I am listening to an opera on the radio during my leisure, like Met Opera Radio, I don’t do anything else besides listen to the opera and Tweet about it (people who are listening to the same broadcasts use hashtags like #AidaMetOpera to find each other.) 

I’ll admit it, the whole damn question was designed to lead to this spot.

You are afraid of one thing more than any other thing – and you must ask its permission and make peace with it if you are to achieve that one thing you want most in the world.  What and how and why and would you? 

I admit it. I am afraid of success, the kind of wanton literary success that gets you a spotlight appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show.” I want to broker peace with Topo Gigio, so he can appear in my stead, and I can keep writing books. It’s very hard to sit down at your writing desk when your head doesn’t fit through the door.

* * *

Gale Martin’s humorous backstage novel Don Juan in Hankey, PA was published by Booktrope Editions in 2011. Grace Unexpected, contemporary women’s fiction also from Booktrope, was published in July of 2012. She has a master of arts in creative writing from Wilkes University. She has worked in higher education marketing for ten years and lives in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, a rich source of inspiration for her writing. Her blog “Scrivengale” can be found on her website.

Click the picture and make it rain!

In addition, there are a limited number of print review copies of Grace Unexpected available and numerous ebooks for early readers on a first-come, first-served basis. Simply email galemartin (dot) writer (at) gmail (dot) com to request one.

You can find her at:

Website: http://galemartin.me
Twitter: http://twitter.com/Gale_Martin (@Gale_Martin)
Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/GaleMartinAuthor
Email: galemartin.writer@gmail.com

Thanks, Gale!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer.

Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.

Click for Time Zombie transportation!

Rave on Pluto + Saucer Report + Billy Purgatory FREE on Kindle

I can’t figure out what all these abduct’ee folks keep going on and on about – it’s a mystery to me.  Being held captive on the Mozrian Attack Saucer has been the best party I’ve been to since Charlie Sheen and I got kicked out of The Mansion.  Last night, or however that works in outer space, we went to a rave on the planet Pluto (and yeah, snobby astronomers, Pluto is a planet – and the Pluto’y'ans are straight pissed about that still).  Armin van Buuren was spinnin’, it’s called A State of Pluto up there – and FYI if a green lady ever offers you any little star-shaped pills TAKE THEM (they’re cool *wink wink*).

Dancing on top of a speaker stack while a million aliens chant, “Cupcakes, bitch!” – it just doesn’t get any more intergalactic than that.  I’m pretty sure I’m not coming back at this point – I’m worshiped in outer space – a lot like Oprah is.

"You owe me Billy Purgatory 2! You have a contract and we'll extradite your ass!"

I feel a lot like that guy, that made that mountain out of mashed potatoes because he thought he saw E.T. – and they hadn’t invented Reese’s Pieces yet.  They took that guy into space too, which is weird because as far as I’ve seen there aren’t any sharks in space – so I don’t know what good he’d have done any outer-space people.  Maybe he wrote another Opus like he did in Amsterdam?

"The Aliens should'a abducted that Quint guy - he's a badass!"

Dammit, ya know – those pills that alien gave me tasted just like peanut butter – guess I’m just naturally high on my own space-badassary + never trust a green chick!

"Billy Purgatory is #3 on Kindle Contemporary Fantasy cause flying through hyperspace ain't like dustin' crops, boy!"

Meanwhile, Space-Twitter (which is way cooler than Earth-Twitter because it’s all holograms and they say stuff like, “Help me Jesse James, you’re my only hope!”, which is pretty awesome to hear finally – anyway – I have been alerted that Billy Purgatory is still FREE on Earth Kindle (on Space Kindle it’s 27 Million Galactic Credits)!  So, anyone on Earth has been put on notice – you better get it free while I’m raving on Pluto and green-chicks are distracting me with Reese’s Pieces (and well, other stuff about them is distracting, but you know Don’t hate the space-player hate the Game!)…

Plus, I heard Tupac came back to life – which is completely badass!

Click to fly your ass into space! (okay, it just takes you to Amazon and you can get Billy Purgatory for FREE on Kindle!)

 

Beautiful Maidens Contest + Billy Purgatory FREE on Kindle

I’m still trapped aboard a flying saucer, but that doesn’t mean totally fun and inventive blog contests have to stop!  Book marketing waits for no Alien Invasion Force!

Please choose the picture below which best illustrates the concept of Beautiful Maidens:

(A)

(B)

(C)

(The answer is B, but we’d had to have taken A on the technicality that’s a picture of Cinderella – which creates a whole Disney Princesses sort of paradox)

Claim Your Prize!

Billy Purgatory is still FREE on KINDLE!

Click for the Amazon Ranked Best Seller!

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixing cars and even going to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

*Editor’s Note* We’d have also accepted this write-in:

Jesse James with a live report from aboard the alien saucer + Billy Purgatory is STILL FREE on Kindle!

People of Earthlings and Texas!  I don’t know how long I will be able to transmit – as I am still abducted’ficated aboard the Mozrian-something Supreme Command Saucer-Place.  I know that many of you are probably worried about me up here, but you must stay the course down on the surface of Cleveland or wherever the hell you are receiving this message.  Ladies, please don’t cry – I would like to report that I am still in fine health and that contrary to what those UFO kooks used to tell Art Bell all the time, not all alien saucer people get down with the probe.  I am told that probing only happens with a special subset of Alien Yetis who are into ball-gags and peyote – taking their captives temperatures/looking for love in ALL the wrong places.

#deviantYETIS, has Art Bell always known this truth?

I am not sure what the general evil plan of the invading Mozrian Saucer Army is, but I can tell you that you are probably in little danger right now as I was carrying my lucky deck of playing cards and I currently have the command bridge distracted and engaged in a drunken card game I learned in college called A**hole!  They seemed suspicious at first, and that’s how I learned that they’re not the proby-Yeti aliens, but I assured them that the name was just a strange coincidence.  Their liquor sucks by the way – it’s nothing but future-drinks like something that Shay Fabbro might mix up when she’s on a Star Trek watching marathon.  Not only does it look like anti-freeze, but it tastes like it too – and no matter how many three-nippled space olives you drop into the stuff it never gets the right kinda dirty.

"Yes, Dr. Fab, drinks are very colorful in spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!"

As far as I can tell from the view-screen, I am currently over Washington State.  Aliens like to buzz stuff in their saucers, and it’s been the Space Needle all day.  I got to wave at Ken Shear and KSears – I’m pretty sure that I saw Tess Hardwick walking Patches.  It’s kind of amazing how all those flannel shirts on the ground kinda blend together from way up here. It made me homesick, and wonder if I’d have made a good lumberjack.  They’re still arguing from the rec-room while they play cards and yell out hazh’zen’phoocter (which is Mozrian for A**hole – I think?) about whether they’re going to point the saucer at Rio and buzz that big statue of Holy-J next or if it’s off to incinerate the Hollywood Sign.

These guys are all about paradoxes.

Please let our leaders know that the entire Mozrian ground command force is made up of really hot alien women who shouldn’t be underestimated.  They all wear ear-buds and blast Alanis Morisette songs on their space iPods + they’re all reading Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales by Marni Mann.  They keep licking their cosmos-Kindle viewscreens and chanting “Heroin and Lobster” – so they’re pretty keyed up.

"We will mate with your human heroin and your lobsters!"

Oh, and tell Luna that space-vampires really have it worse than Joe Vampire does.  The navigator guy is one and they make fun of how much he sparkles.  Tell Luna that if he wants to use it, the space word for vampires is sparkalulapluss.

I’m not sure if the room I’m typing this message from is a flying saucer chapel or a liquor storage depot – regardless, there’s a framed poster of Tracey Hansen on the wall.  The Mozrian’s might worship her, or the general legend of just how much liquor she can consume in a sitting has made it to the other side of the galaxy and back.  Really when you think about it though, isn’t that what religion is all about?

"We will know new gods on your Earth!"

I think I hear them coming down the hallway, the MacGuyver Swiss Army knife and this flask of opium isn’t gonna last for much longer.  Time to get John McClane on these aliens and come up with a plan.  If any of you wanna help me on the ground, please put a sixer of IMPORTED beer (not the domestic shit, I’m trying to save your ass from aliens here, help me live it up a little) in your backyard – I think I’ve figured out how their tractor-beams work and I’ll reverse-Santa the beer as we’re flying over your house.

"Any of this'll work! Our My survival depends on it!"

Be strong human-American people – these aliens picked the wrong Texan to tap-dance with – I’m about to go Black Swan on their asses.

Billy Purgatory is LEGIT 100% pure Rock-God Love FREE on KINDLE

Click for Amazon to get Billy Purgatory FREE, before I escape from the aliens!

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixing cars and even going to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James abducted by space aliens! Billy Purgatory Free on Kindle!

People of Earth!

There is no need to adjust your primitive blogs or your “EYE”devices. I am Kr’kos’rathos, Supreme Commander of the Mozrian Empire’s Flying Saucer Armada!

"We roll like this..."

"...and space chicks who look like this dig our style!"

I know, you are but an Earthling and you most likely find that not only impressive, but HORRIFYING! “No, Kr’kos! This can’t be true. The Mayans said we had until December.” The Mayans were liars, but we do not find it surprising that you believed them. We have been monitoring your simple-minded Earth-Entertainment transmissions for many years…

"Blair or Tootie? It is debated across the cosmos!"

Our spies have abducted the human you call Jesse James Freeman (yes, the drunk one), and while he is prisoner aboard our saucer we have used our superior intellects and technology to manipulate the price of his Kindle book, reducing it – as we will one day reduce the galaxy – TO FREE! Yes, zero galactic-credits. Cheaper than a Xanxarian Flash-Dancer with an engorged tusk!

Click for your FREE copy of Billy Purgatory!

The first of our demands is that you click on this link and download your copy FREE! Other demands are much more complicated and MUCH more nefarious! Just to give you a heads up, if I were you I would begin re-assembling the cast of Silver Spoons (give Ricky Schroder ANYTHING he demands!)!!!

"You have been warned! Do not deny the Schroder!"

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

"Cupcakes, bitch!"

Write For The Fight, Riversong, Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales: Some thoughts from Atlantis, Ranch!

I was lucky enough to participate in a collaborative effort put together recently by Booktrope   and Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen – it’s called Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays.  I am obviously proud of it, maybe more proud than the time I won the UIL First Place Editorial Writing Competition when I was in high school and wrote for the student newspaper (which actually happened, I’m not making this one up).

I didn't win all these, I Google'd 'em.

I’m more proud of Write for the Fight because I kind of knew that I was going to win the UIL thing and didn’t work so hard for it.  The topic was “whether or not we should allow prayers before school sponsored sporting events” and I went with arguing the side that I was pretty certain I would be the only kid in the room arguing for.  I grew up in Texas, I’ll let you guess how I bucked the trend.  I guess I wrote a good editorial piece, the judges seemed to think so, but I was also more arguing for what I knew would win instead of putting any real effort into what I was writing from any sort of deep held philosophical perspective.

For all practical purposes, I wasn’t writing – I was counting cards at the casino and hoping I wouldn’t get caught.

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Write for the Fight was a different sort of deal – I respect Tess, Tracey, Marni, and all the other really great writers involved – and I felt that if I counted cards this time I’d be doing the rest of them an injustice – again, Texas, weird sense of honor down here.  When I had to write my essays:  What do you miss about being 5 years old?, What would you tell your 20-year-old-self?, What, at this point in your life, do you want, wish and dream of for your life going forward?, What would you want said about you on your 80th birthday? : I felt that I needed to be really honest and speak from the heart.  That’s not really what my writing is traditionally about – if you’ve read Billy Purgatory and you follow this blog, you know that I am a #badass.  I write about: skateboard monster killing, heroes with 1000 faces, motorcycles on fire, Devil Birds, Time Zombies, emotionally-unavailable vampire girlfriends, and Sword Witches.

I mean, I’m seriously considering plotting out a book about Witches VS Robots…

"Negative, Ghost Rider."

Well, regardless if Witches VS Robots is a good idea or not – the point I’m making is that my writing is normally meant for straight entertainment value.  I like taking people on adventures to places that they’ll probably never go (cause I make that BS up!), I like giving people something to turn off their brains and have some fun, and above all else, I love making them laugh and feel better about themselves after their done reading.

Laughing like this chick, whose name I can't spell, back before Heroes sucked and then got cancelled.

Could I write essays in such a serious book?  For awhile there, I thought that I’d never be able to answer any of these questions and I was sort of in crisis a little about the whole thing.  That’s until it hit me – just because the word essay is part of the title it doesn’t mean that this is a serious book at all.  Yeah, parts of it are serious, sure, but just as much of the really great life stories that these authors from all over have to say in this book isn’t so serious.  These stories run the whole gambit from light-hearted and fun to thought provoking and spiritually deep.  These authors I was lucky enough to work with all opened up and shared stories from their lives with the world.  Just because technically they’re essays doesn’t mean they’re snooty book-learnin’ stuff that we had to write in college in those awful blue books and turn in for a grade.

I couldn't find a picture of a college blue book, so here's some S&H Green Stamps - back before they sucked and got cancelled.

Doesn’t mean they’re some silly question some judge thought up to make high school kids argue about in a fake newspaper article so they could win some fake gold trophy pin (which, by the by, looks really nice with those Texas Star imitation gold-cuff links I’m prone to wear on special occasions).  They’re not really essays at all in my mind.  They’re really good stories that will make the people who read them go off on adventures they might never go on – but they’re guaranteed to resonate on the reader’s own life adventures.  There might be a few tears, there are definite laughs, and there will be smiles when we realize something about that sameness we all share that Tess Hardwick is so fond of blogging about.

"Our Sameness" ie here's another picture of Tess in her prom dress surrounded by a lot of people who wish that this picture of their hair-do's didn't exist. See how life stories, and the 80's, point out our similarities to one another.

We really hope you’ll consider reading some stories we wrote that speak of journey’s we took in our lives.  We also hope that these stories will spark memories, hopes, and new dreams about the story your own life is writing for you.

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Click to check out Write for the Fight on Amazon Kindle! All author proceeds for this book donated to breast cancer charities!

Authors Tess Hardwick and Tracey Hansen, inspired by the myriad voices in the world, compile a melting pot of life paths from over a dozen unique individuals, each exploring the four timeless questions we’ve all pondered:

· What do you miss about being 5 years old?
· What would you tell your 20-year-old self?
· What, at this point in your life, do you want, wish and dream of for your life going forward?
· What would you want said about you on your 80th birthday?

These experiences make us who we are, defining our personalities, perspectives and dreams as we move through the seasons of life – from memories at age 5 to the person we hope to be described as on our 80th birthday.

From the thoughtful to the blunt, experienced to the young – WRITE FOR THE FIGHT is a humorous and emotional journey that will take you back to the best of times and get you energized for the future. All writer royalties will be donated to charities benefiting the fight against breast cancer.

Contributing Writers
Gordon Bonnet
Galit Breen
F. Jo Bruce
Derek Flynn
Jesse James Freeman
Laura Kilmartin
Marni Mann
Karla J. Nellenbach
Terry Persun
Laura Tiberio
Laura Zera

And speaking of stories…

Marni Mann is one of the writers involved in Write for the Fight, plus she also wrote the awesome Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales!

Click for Amazon Kindle!

“I could feel my chin falling towards my chest, my back hunching forward. My body was acting on its own, and my mind was empty, like all my memories had been erased. There was scenery behind my lids. Aqua colored water and powdery sand that extended for miles. I was never going back to coke. I wanted more heroin. And I wanted it now.”

Leaving behind a nightmarish college experience, nineteen-year-old Nicole and her best friend Eric escape their home of Bangor, Maine to start a new life in Boston. Fragile and scared, Nicole desperately seeks a new beginning to help erase her past. But there is something besides freedom waiting for her in the shadows–a drug that will make every day a nightmare.

Heroin.

With one taste, the love that once flowed through Nicole’s veins turns into cravings. Tracks mark the passing of time, and heroin’s grip gets tighter. It holds her hand through deaths and prostitution, but her addiction keeps her in the darkness. When her family tries to strike a match to help light her way, Nicole must choose between a life she can hardly remember, or a love for heroin she’ll never forget.

And…

…the talk of the day (she’s been hovering all over the Kindle Top Five today *Update* Hit #1 today!!!) and the Queen of the Prom, Tess Hardwick!  She wrote a fantastic book called Riversong, which, at the time of this blog posting, is FREE on Amazon Kindle!

Click for Amazon Kindle!

When Lee Tucker’s husband commits suicide, he leaves her pregnant and one million dollars in debt to a loan shark. Out of options, she escapes to her deceased mother’s dilapidated house located in a small Oregon town that, like her, is financially ruined, heartbroken and in desperate need of a fresh start. Lee’s resilience leads to a plan for a destination restaurant named Riversong, to new chances for passion and love, and to danger from her dead husband’s debt as her business blooms.

Author Tess Hardwick assembles a colorful cast of endearing small-town characters and takes you on a journey that will make you believe in the possibilities of life – even in the face of overwhelming adversity and unimaginable grief. Lee Tucker is the kind of woman you find yourself rooting for long after the last page is read.

A surprising mix of romance, humor, friendship, intrigue and gourmet food – Riversong entertains while reminding you of life’s greatest gifts.

Wrapping it up…

…Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.  Jesse did actually win an editorial writing award when he was in high school, but he lies about practically everything else that he posts on this blog.  He is currently plotting his new novel Witches VS Robots.

Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five

“It is happening again.”

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Read Reviews!

Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

 

“Cupcakes, bitch!” + Books with Vampires in them

 

Click for Time Zombie Transportation!

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

“I first heard whispers about this book on twitter. Comments about a “badass skateboarder”, time zombies, vampires, Greek Gods, and tentacles. I decided I had to check it out myself. The story revolves around skateboarder Billy Purgatory, and his uncanny ability to find himself in the center of trouble with the undead and ancient gods. We start the story with Billy at age ten saving the life of a young girl from a couple vampires, but this girl is more than she seems. I began to read with eyebrows raised questioning how this author, as he revealed more and more of these disconnected creatures; was going to spin these elements into a fine tale. I pictured water spiraling into the darkness of a storm drain. To my delight however, the spiral of water began to rise high into the sky as a tornado, a force of dark nature. Next thing I know I was on the field when the time zombie arrived, I was riding the train with Billy and Anastasia. I felt the heat around Lissandra as she ran from the fire. Without realizing it, I had stepped into the story. It is not something that happens often.”  - Author Glenn Skinner, The Keya Quests Blog

Fangs for the Click!

Hey, folks. I’m Joe, and I’m a vampire – not by choice, mind you, but by accident…a fate-twisting, fang-creating, blood lust-inducing misunderstanding. It started with a group date, a case of mistaken identity and far too many sake bombers, and ended with a ridiculous set of circumstances that I just can’t seem to wrap my head around.

Maybe you can tell: I’m not real happy about it.

But I’m certainly not going to let it get in the way of my life.

Ask Dr. Badassary / and Gaea’s Chosen: Event Horizon

People have been sending in their medical questions to me – at first I wasn’t sure why.  True, I am a renaissance badass – kind of a da Vinci Vitruvian dude meets Evel Knievel – but I wasn’t sure how any of that Dr. Quinn medicine business was gonna mix in.  People normally ask me stuff about “what do I do if I get my leg caught in a Bigfoot trap?” or “if I was on fire and killing zombies how many rounds could I get off before the flames overtake me and I’d have to jump into a tub of Robitussin?”

So the more I thought about all that kinda stuff – I realized that FIRST AID might be important with the end of the world coming up soon and all – and that immanent attack by the aliens from V (old school V because that shit is real – new V is fake and made up like Taylor Swift).

"I'm in, just don't take EVERYTHING off."

Outer-space is a complicated place – especially when love is involved!  Take for example: Gaea’s Chosen: Event Horizon by Cara Michaels, a book that’s full of all kinds of space-badassary and cool future-swords and meta-humans and a hot protagonist (what?  Gemma Bryant sounds like a hottie-ass-kicker and I have no filter when it comes to hotness-ass-kickery) – and for the ladies there’s Marcus Gilpin and a cat-eyed-meta dude (if you’re into that kinda stuff).

This is the second installment of Cara’s space-serial, part one being Gaea’s Chosen: The Mayday Directive, and I like how this is all coming together.  The first episode was more Gemma’s story, and you weren’t so sure about Dr. Marcus Gilpin – he’s a kind of pissed-off space-dude who isn’t so sure he made the right decision coming on this journey into outer-space.  This second episode gives you a little flashback info on Marcus and his lost love, Tegan – and now I feel like I know what this guy is all about and I instantly was sympathetic to his plight – in space nobody can hear your romantic-angst so you’re forced to step it up or you get your heart tossed out an airlock.  You know, it’s not all love-in-spaaaaaaccce – but that part of it definitely makes the characters real, believable, and gives you that much more reason to care about them when the crazy-cosmos-action cranks into overdrive!

Check it!

Dr. Marcus Gilpin left Earth with the woman he loved, but the very science he put his faith in promised her to another man…

Six months after waking in unknown parts of the galaxy, Marcus Gilpin is still recovering from a mauling that nearly killed him. His love gone, his ship lost—a crew of twenty now numbers only five, and he should have been among the dead.

He’s not entirely certain death wouldn’t be a relief—until he learns Gaea’s Ark isn’t alone, and a distress call reveals an unbelievable truth: The love he’d thought lost forever is still very much alive, and she’ll need his help to stay that way.

Gaea’s Chosen: Selected to settle a new world twenty light years from home…only things didn’t quite go as planned.

In matters of medicine, 13 is everyone's lucky number.

Meanwhile, back on Earth suddenly:  Ask Dr. Badassary!

Tim:  could you discuss the priapistic mechanism in the female? With examples and 8 x 10 glossies?

Tim, it all starts like this.

Quill Shiv:  If my ankle is broken and my hands barely work anymore, does this mean I get a gov’t issued hot assistant/nurse? Oh, wait…that’s not a medical question… Um…I’m ailing..and I can’t decide which would help more: 4 or 5 helpers around the house?

Quill Shiv, according to what I saw on C-SPAN this morning you're eligible for one of these.

January Jones Assistant Anonymous:  Is there value in eating placenta?

I don't know, the going rate is cheaper than my ebook plus it comes with BBQ chips - sounds like value to me!

Sex in the City cast Anonymous:  Hey Doc, my third superfluous nipple aches–is that normal?

No, it's not normal - but I'm not saying it's wrong.

#dancedancedancemachine:  Where do babies come from?

#dancedancedancemachine, this is where babies come from. Yes, I'm saying it's very wrong.

@Cinderella:  I have lesions on my…er…face. Yeah. Or maybe they’re kind of wart like.

@Cinderella, totally cure-able. Stay away from those creams they sell at CVS that are for other parts of the body - the normally 'happy' parts.

Vehemently Jones Anonymous:  Female priapism is called clitorism. I’m sure you can figure out the rest. But…clitorism. What kind of word is that? It makes it sound like having a clitoris is an ‘ism’, a disease. Wow. I don’t think I have typed the word clitoris so much!!

Dear Anonymous, I don't know what you're talking about and have never heard of any of that. But here are some pictures of other things that don't exist...

If you have more questions for Dr. Badassary, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook!

Make it rain and get your space on…

Click to get your ass tossed across the universe!

Cara Michaels is a dreamer of legendary proportions (just ask her about the alien pirate spaceship invasion). Her imagination is her playground and nothing is quite so much fun for her as building new characters and new worlds with at least an edge of the fantastic. She’s writing whenever the opportunity presents itself and can typically be found tinkering with half a dozen projects. Occasionally all at once.

She calls Florida ‘home’ when she’s not busy swearing about giant bugs and humidity. She has one super-cool fiancé who doesn’t (usually) mind the hours spent writing, editing, writing some more, and editing a lot more, one son with aspirations of becoming either a great wizard or an artist, and three cats who enjoy sleeping on her works in progress.

Badass Sci-Fi Author Cara Michaels!

Follow Cara Michaels on Twitter!

And if you’re curious about what sort of mental problems I might have that makes me blog in this fashion…

Click for Time Zombie Transportation!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

***Jesse James Freeman is not ACTUALLY a doctor, and since a brief walk-on stint (ended by set-security) on General Hospital he doesn’t even play one on TV.  You should not listen to anything he says and consult a real doctor if there is something wrong with you – in fact, you should never listen to ANYTHING that Jesse James Freeman ever tells you because he is a liar – a confident liar – but ultimately, a liar.