11 Questions of Badassary w/ author Alex Kimmell

Alex Kimmell is an author and a badass. A former rockstar turned to scary-times writer, he will amaze you with his prose and his jump out of your seat debut novel, The Key to Everything.

Now, prepareth! Badassary awaits…

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Exhaustive research as always — even when I’m drunk.

1.  The Key to Everything was your first official novel, but your writing seems to have shown up a lot of places in the ramp up to said novel (Black Lantern Press, Front Row Lit, TheWordcount Podcast). How important was it for you, or in your opinion any writer, to just start doing it and getting your work out there to the world before you tackled a full-blown bookstravaganza?

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Click for Amazon!

I was a songwriter long before I wrote prose. Lyrics and poems were all I ever made a serious attempt at with words before I wrote “the Key to everything”. Black Lantern Press, Front Row Lit and Wordcount were great opportunities for me. I’d already written the book and some other short pieces when I decided to approach them. They were very generous with their support and I’m honored to have been involved with their publications and associated with the other fantastic artists they support. Writing in short form for specified themes isstretching different muscles. I highly recommend reaching out to blogs and other avenues of publishing that are available to today’s writers.I don’t do it for the sole purpose of paddingmy resume though, but for the chanceto find new avenues ofexploring the art form.

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2.  You are from the San Fernando Valley, one of my old stomping grounds when I lived in LA. When did you first get pulled into music and start banging out soundscapes in the garage?

Yeah. I’m a Valley Boy for sure for sure. Gag me with a spoon and all that shit. Skateboards, parachute pants and shopping malls. We did all that crap before it was cool.

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Keeping it real in The 818.

Both my parents encouraged me at a young age to play music. When I turned ten, they told me to pick an instrument and stick with it for one year. It was a great way to help me learn discipline andexpose me to my creative side.

Fortunately for me my Mom loved the drums, believe it or not. I fell in love with it during my first lesson and annoyed the neighbors five to eight hours a day for years of wall rattling noise. Most of them were pretty cool with it though. The one asshole on our block moved after a couple of years of it. Some of the kids on the street actually thanked me.

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The chicks were completely unprepared for that smile and those stripes!

I was in that garage so much that my dad installed a portable air conditioning unit in the side door so I wouldn’t over heat during the hot Southern California summers. I played some sports too and was pretty good. But with red hair and freckles I got picked on and beat up a lot. This was back in the days before bullying was considered a bad thing. The one thing the bullies couldn’t give me shit about was playing drums. My life revolved around it. I got really lucky with my teachers too. I transferred to the Hamilton Academy of Music for my senior year of high school and that helped me get a scholarship at USC.

3.  I would imagine having a career in music and performing all the time is very different than being a writer. I trashed a Marriot Suite one time and the security guys asked me if I was a rockstar and I told them no, I was a writer. So I had to pay for everything I broke. You’d be shocked to know just how expensive those awful paintings of sailboats and sunsets really cost (Lord knows my credit card was). So, what’s the reality vs the fiction of being in a rock’n’roll band? Did anyone offer you a cigar? Did they ask you which one was Pink?

Ha!  I was pretty mellow compared to the rock star mystique. Most of my wildness came out on stage. I broke drumheads, cymbals and collapsed the arches in my feet from playing barefoot. I used to go on stage in nothing but my boxer shorts because I sweat so much that I ruined my clothes. The heyday was the early nineties’ Hollywood scene. Altrock-tastic!My band played everywhere. We played the Whiskey a go-go, the Roxy, the Troubador… we gigged all the time at every spot place on the Sunset Strip. A few bands that are pretty famous now used to open for us. Unfortunately my band imploded before we took off to any national success. Oh well. Typical rock and roll story I guess. Most of the juicy details must be kept under wraps to protect the guilty.

4.  You transitioned from music to writing, partly due to wanting to find new expression and learning how to channel all that while working through the realization that you had Multiple Sclerosis. It must have taken a tremendous amount of strength and determination in going from one very challenging creative career and diving headfirst into an altogether new one? What was your major motivating factor and what kept you going as you figured the whole book writing experience out?

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That’s Alex on drums. Keeping it real and bringing rain.

My wife made me do it. It’s as simple as that. Since I inhaled books like oxygen my entire life and wrote lyrics constantly, she suggested I try my hand at prose since my body refused to cooperate with the coordination I’d need to keep performing music to the level I needed and wanted. At first it was really fucking difficult. I thought everything I did was crap. I’d come up with some idea and write ten or fifteen pages. Then I’d delete it without showing anyone. Eventually she forced her way on to my computer and started reading. To my surprise, she liked some of it. So I kept going. To keep my creative expression juices flowing, I kept writing. Not for anyone to read, but for myself.

A friend of mine forced me to sign up on Facebook. I didn’t want to, but he not only twisted my arm, he created my account. The next morning I had close to one hundred friends saying hello that I hadn’t spoken too since we were kids. It was a great tool to catch up and stay current with everybody.

I started blogging. Mostly complaining about everything that drove me crazy, which is my real favorite hobby. I put up a couple of short ideas and started getting some nice feedback from people. Of course I thought they were just being nice.

Then a friend told me she liked the blog and wanted me to send her a few pieces to read. Apparently she liked them because she asked if she could show them to her boss. Why not right? Turns out it was Katherine and Ken from Booktrope. They both were interested in publishing something if I was willing to turn one of my ideas into a novel. I’d never given it much thought, but I figured I’d try. That turned into “the Key to everything”. Mostly luck, technology and some very amazing support from my wife and a few good friends made it happen. 

5.  The Key to Everything is a fantastic book, and it’s been likened more than once to classic Stephen King, which is never a bad thing? Why horror? How do you approach the horror genre to keep it fresh and interesting?

Thank you so much for the compliment. I’m honored that people even mention the book in the same conversation as Stephen King. When I first started reading the genre as a kid, his stories were the first I was exposed to. My dad gave me some Tolkein, Heinlein and Bradbury pretty early on. From Science Fiction and Fantasy the leap to horror was a fairly smooth transition. Monsters and mystery and nightmare fodder oh my! I remember buying Pet Sematary in the Crown Bookseller at the Northridge Mall with my allowance money. That was the first one for me. The image of the cat on the cover looked exactly like my cat Taffy at home. I read the description on the back and it sounded spooky cool. I liked it, so I continued reading his books whenever I could. I moved on to Christine, Night Shift, Cycle of the Werewolf, The Shining and Carrie. My favorite at the time was The Talismanthat King wrote with Peter Straub. It changed everything for me. The way it blended horror with fantasy was unlike anything else I knew existed before.

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My approach to horror isn’t completely defined as of yet. I’ll have a bad dream or a flash of an idea that swells below my skin, dying to turn into a story. I don’t subscribe to the philosophy of “write what you know”. I don’t have any experience being hunted by demonic squirrels or transported physically inside the pages of a book. I don’t think Ian Flemming had many personal adventures as a super spy with a license to kill. Tolkein wasn’t a Hobbit. That had no bearing on whether the stories they wrote were believable or not. Harlan Ellison said, “Write what you want to read.” When I first heard that, the world opened up. I spent so much time as a songwriter attempting to compose sounds that I wanted to hear. It didn’t take Vulcan logic for me to transfer that same concept to the prose I write.

Vampires, Zombies and Ghosts can be extremely terrifying in the right story when written well. However, the majority of what frightens me, and what I tend to write, comes from a more skewed view of the world. Looking at objects and every day concepts we unconsciously rely on as they behave in ways far removed from how they are supposed to. Take squirrels for example. If having read my book you’ll never see them the same way again, then I’ll have been successful.

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None of this explains George Hamilton.

6.  Was King an influence on your work? Who else within the horror genre do you respect and count as major influences and inspirations for your work?

I picked up a Stephen King novel for the first time in years only recently. When writing became something I focused on seriously, I hadn’t read one of his books in years. While I can’t say he was a conscious influence, his books affected me so much during my formative years that he is in there for sure. I learned a lot by reading his book with a writer’s eye, rather than as a passive audience. I can only hope that some of what entered into my mind will escape on to the pages of my future work. There’s definitely a reason he is such a huge success. What an amazing storyteller.

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Because, like, no.

Some of my major influences haven’t been as publicly successful. John Ajvide Lindquist is one of the best authors out there these days. Every time I hear that a new work of his is being translated into English, I can hardly contain myself.

I’ve read every book by Michael Marshall Smith at least twice. The way his plotlines unfold continually surprises and inspires me. There is one particular scene in his book “The Straw Men” that I re-read over and over. It’s a gunfight in a fast food restaurant that turns my knuckles white even though I know exactly what’s coming next. He isn’t what I would describe as a “horror” author though. He is more thriller and science fiction. I can’t recommend him enough.

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He’s suave, though. I’ll give him that.

Mark Z. Danielewski is perhaps one of the writers changing the world of books and electronic publishing as we know it. His book “House of Leaves” changed my life. I currently have three copies of it in the house now, not including the ebook version I have on my son’s iPad. His work can be frustrating at times and even somewhat pretentious, but it’s always challenging and beautiful.

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Google told me that the House of Leaves guy (this dude in the hat) is Poe’s brother.

One of the greatest living wordsmiths in my opinion is Harlan Ellison. “Deathbird Stories” is a must read for any fan of horror and science fiction. Not only does he write incredible books, his episodes of Star Trek and the Twilight Zone are legendary.

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No, not that Poe.

The same can be said for Richard Matheson. “I Am Legend, “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet”, “The Box”, “Duel”, “What Dreams May Come”…His bibliography of incredibleness goes on and on. Every time I open one of his stories I am instantly transported into other worlds that are sometimes terrifying, often beautiful beyond belief, but always wonderful.

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This Poe.

Because they can’t go without some brief mention, I am humbled and driven by incredibleimaginationsof Mary Shelley, Bram Stoker, H.P. Lovecraft, Edgar Allen Poe, Neil Gaiman and of course Clive Barker. I could go on, but the list is way too long.

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Whatever happened to Poe? Maybe I’ll use my new (stolen) Google Glass and find out!

7.  I write about vampires, and Time Zombies, and yetis. For you, your muse seems to be the squirrel. Where did the ‘squirrel-thulian mythos’ originate? Did you think you might be nuts when suddenly squirrels began haunting your dreams and your chapters?

The squirrelpocalypse is coming. Mark my words!

I find it so funny how many people ask me, “Why do you hate squirrels so much?” That entire part of tK2e came to me spur of the moment. I was searching for a small, somewhat harmless and commonplace animal that people typically take for granted. My goal was to create an underlying sense of discomfort with reality in the world of the story. Snakes, spiders, vampires and werewolves are scary in their own right. They provoke instant, primal images of fear and raise the hackles on the backs of our necks based on developed historical associations. While the common squirrel might be a nuisance, it’s not an animal that the majority of people are terrified of.  

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Oh wait, that’s Sheena Easton. This must be when she was going to the prom with Prince.

The moment I landed on using the squirrel for my “beast” turns out to be relatively prosaic. I was working on an early scene in the book and a squirrel stood on the wall outside my studio window. That was it. I thought to myself, “What would this animal have to do to make me ruin my pants right now?” The rest is history.

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I’m not sure I’m using these things right… *turn the knob here… Awe, Wendy and Lisa. That’s right, Prince and Sheena Easton adopted them.

8.  I had a buddy call me one night when I lived in LA, he ran a bar that was rented out for a private party and he related to me the following: Melissa Ethridge, Steven Spielberg, Mike Meyers, and Slash all have their chairs pulled into a circle and they’re just hanging out and talking at this birthday party.

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Wait…

It’s a conversation that I’ve imagined more than once in my head.

What’s the best famous people story that you can relate to us? (and not get either one of us sued, cause I don’t need another lawsuit like that time I bagged on the Sham-Wow guy)

During my time in L.A., I was fortunate enough to meet quite a few of my musical heroes. Some I played with, some I was introduced to backstage at shows and others I made a blubbering mess of myself in front of. In a few unfortunate situations, all three occurred at the same time.

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This always happens when I research. Every. Damn. Time.

When my boys were little they shared an indoor playground late one night with Don Cheadle’s kids. Calista Flockheart used to bring her son to the same park we went to and I struck up a few conversations with her. I went to high school with one guy who went on to become a relatively popular actor in a television show named after a famous L.A. neighborhood and its zip code. There’s a picture in my yearbook where I’m dropping him headfirst into a trashcan with help from another fellow classmate who now plays drums for a former Beatle.

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What the …? I had no idea Kylie Minogue was a GoBot.

I won’t go into any of the drug and alcohol fueled or “spicy” events. Like you say, I’d prefer not to run afoul of the law. Most of my stories are pretty tame. No trashing hotel rooms or shark related Zeppelin-esque tales of debauchery.

For any Elliott Smith fans, I spent a very nice coffee break with himthat I wrote about on my old blog.  You can see the full story at: everythinghappenstomeshuh.blogspot.com/2010/04/one-of-my-favorite-hours.html

 

9.  What’s the perfect balance of family life and retreating into your writing cave? Writers oftentimes (like, me) have issues balancing family, work, and writing – so how about you?

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Back on track here! Oh … this works. Cause Alex writes scary stuff.

If there is such a thing as a perfect balance, I haven’t found it yet. I don’t have a writing cave anymore either. I put my laptop here on the dining room table and try to block out the world. It’s a double edged sword, but I don’t have a job. That’s good for my writing because it gives me time when the kids are at school and my wife’s at work. I have to do the majority of my typing left handed due to my receding coordination, so I struggle along at a snail’s pace. I’m taking some time attempting to learn how to use Dragon though. Hopefully that’ll help.

10.  Is Lovecraft too much a part of pop-culture nowadays and is he getting played out? We do live in a world where Cthulhu-plushies exist, after all.

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Where’s the off-switch for Google!

I could ask the same question about vampires, werewolves and zombies. We live in a culture of numbness. We’ve been exposed to it all. Vampires aren’t the stuff of nightmares anymore. They sparkle and have dreamy eyes. Werewolves are buffed out surf wear models. We even find ways to cute-up a reanimated corpse to tantalize the tween audiences.

An enormous portion of the genre is fighting really hard to capture the attention spans of young girls. And why not? After all, they spend the lion share of dollars on entertainment. Face it, full bore heavy metal has never sold as many records as pop music. It never will. When it becomes watered down and made “safe”, then it can explode into pop culture.

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I guess Winger broke up, huh?

Humans aren’t as afraid of the dark as we used to be. Electricity and three hundred channels broadcasting twenty-four-seven. The interwebbuilds walls between us and the realities of horror occurring on the other side of the real world, or as close to home as next door. We’re numb. That’s why Cthulhu-plushies and sparkly boyfriend/bloodsuckers are so mainstream. If we embrace the nightmares tightly enough, they might just hug us back. 

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I hope Cinderella is still living the dream. The world is ready for Night Songs 2.

The argument can be made that most Twihards haven’t read “Dracula” or “I Am Legend”, let alone “The Necronimicon”. While I prefer the horror stories I read or see at the movies to be frightening, there is a large audience that prefers a more soap operatic approach to their monsters. And that’s okay.

Can’t say it doesn’t get under my skin though. ;?)

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Okay, I like where this Cinderella search is headed…

11.  What’s next for:

Alex Kimmell, Author?

Breathing. I expect quite a bit more creation of CO2. That’s the hope anyway. Oh, and writing stories that will hopefully creep people out as much about other things as tK2e apparently has for the squirrel population.

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Damn. Everybody ain’t able!

The Key to Everything? Sequels?Prequels? Movie deals?

I haven’t thought much about expanding on the tK2e storyline. Although a movie deal would be exciting of course. If anyone is interested in the rights, send me an email and we can tell our people to get their people to have brunch and discuss sending their people out for drinks to make plans for their interns to actually read the book, write an op ed in their college paper where it won’t be published so it gets posted on their blog that their Junior JuniorUnder Producer supervisor is unknowingly subscribed to themailing list for. The supervisor will recognize the title line “the Key to everything or Nuts and Vowels. Don’t Read That Yarned Book Dumbass ‘Cuz the Squirrels Be Crazy!”, have his assistant read the blog and will then schedule a round of brunches for the peons to start the whole thing over again. Eventually some bigshot might bring the book up in conversation at Spagos with an executive at a rival motion picture house who will say, “I think we’re talking to the author about the rights for that.” “Oh, really? We were thinking it might be the next Twilight franchise.” They’ll politely excuse themselves from the party, frantically hit the speed dial on their cell phones and I’ll be the next bidding war fodder for the Hollywood Reporter. Next stop…the Oscars!

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Someone, somewhere, is writing down that I’m searching fairytale characters and I’m pretty sure that is going to one day be used against me in a Very Special episode of LA Law.

New projects?

I’m currently working on a collection of short stories that will hopefully be out this year and novel No.2 is slowly gestating in the womb. I’ve been in discussions with a friend of mine to start work a multimedia piece as well. I really look forward to see what we come up with for that. Stay tuned kiddies!

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alexkimmell (the squirrel whisperer/twodoggarage/daddy not-so-much-bucks) is an accidental novelist, anti-rhyme-ologist, oxygen inhaler, carbon dioxide exhaler and the funniest man in his pants who often generates harmonious sounds with various instruments of different historical importance. his work has appeared on cool places around the www like Black Lantern Press, Front Row Lit, The Wordcount Podcast, and his debut novel “the Key to everything” was released by Booktrope Publishing in 2012. come and join the neurosis at alexkimmell.weebly.com

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I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait forever.

Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five is the second book in Jesse James Freeman’s Billy Purgatory series. He has been at war with dark forces (stuff like: cobras, lasers, yetis) his entire life. He enjoys Tweeting, scented candles, and waffles. He is hard at work on Billy Purgatory 3 and an epic poem entitled Witches vs Robots.

Click for Amazon!

Click for Amazon!

Marni Mann’s sequel “Scars From A Memoir” Alive & Kicking

No, not like this…

 

…but kinda like this:

 

…but definitely like this:

When I picked “Alive & Kicking” as the title for this post – it wasn’t so much The Breakfast Club that I was going for – although I kinda did just have a good time Google’ing pictures from the movie and trying to decide if Molly Ringwald was hotter than Ally Sheedy.

Definitely a more interesting prom date.

I really picked the phrase because to me, having been lucky enough to have already read Scars From A Memoir, that’s what the book, released today by author Marni Mann, is about. It’s about being alive and kicking. Goodness gracious me (yes, I’m suddenly your grandmother) all of the things that happen to poor Nicole in Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales. You’d think that girl wouldn’t have made it out of that book alive – but turns out she did. A good portion of the sequel deals with her putting the jig-saw puzzle that has become her psyche back together from some seriously tragic, begging Dr. Phil for some help before you end up on Nancy Grace, adventures.

Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales, the first book in the series from Booktrope.

Nicole had some awful things happen to her – but she also did a lot of awful things – and yet, I like her. Why is this and how could I (or you) find a heroin-addict turned recovering heroin-addict a sympathetic and likable character? Because at her most tragic, at her most vulnerable, at her most ‘oh yeah, society just needs to write her off and collect the insurance money’ worst – Nicole never loses her heart. She at times loses her spirit, her ambition, and her will – but she never loses that sense of commitment to herself that she’s a fighter, that she can be better, that even though she’s done wrong in the world and to others that there’s hope somewhere down there buried under years of addiction and abuse. She loses focus, and greater sense of purpose in phases of her story – but there remains a compassionate streak within her which is impossible to easily co-exist if you try and paint her with the labels most commonly attributed to addicts.

She retains a caring and nurturing nature towards others even when, and especially when, so many have done her wrong. This desire to persevere and to make things better not only for herself, but for others, can find no place to grow roots in a truly narcissistic individual. There’s no room for it within you if you’ve sold your soul and truly filled the chasm left behind full of bitterness, remorse, and anger.

Even in the full grip of the high, and the shaking-sickness which clings to Nicole like a demon-twin, she never fully allows all that is her to be fully washed away.

Ultimately, the person Nicole has hurt the most is herself – this is also the person she has the most trouble offering that compassion, forgiveness, and heart to. It’s a story of a quest to achieve bliss in the most classical settings and tones of those types of myths. Our hero has to vanquish a very unique dragon this time – and the princess in the tower is scarred, has been singed nearly beyond recognition by the fire, and is by no means pure.

That doesn’t mean she’s not worthy of redemption, nor does it mean that if she’s able to strip the horror from herself that the heart within isn’t still beating strong.

Alive & kicking.

I highly recommend these books – and if we’re talking ‘how many stars’ put as many gold ones on them as you got…

Click!

…and Click more if you haven’t yet read!

A New Englander at heart, Marni Mann, now a Floridian is inspired by the sandy beaches and hot pink sunsets of Sarasota. A writer of literary fiction, she taps a mainstream appeal and shakes worldwide taboos, taking her readers on a dark, harrowing, and gritty journey. When she’s not nose deep in her laptop, she’s scouring for chocolate, traveling, reading, or walking her four-legged children. Scars from a Memoir is her second book, a sequel to the highly regarded Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales: A Story of Addiction. You can follow Ms. Mann on her author website at marnismann.com.

No lobsters were harmed in the composing of this blog post!

Time Zombie says Click!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer.

Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.

 

 

 

IHYS aka Frank A. Diaz presents “I got this shit in a discount bin.”

I love comics. That’s probably not hard to figure out considering Billy Purgatory and the kinda stuff that I post on here all the time – I guess you can call me a comic-geek or whatever, I’ve never been offended by the terminology. If you gotta drop me into a category as something, I’d rather it be that then names that my ex’s have for me or something like, “He really drinks a lot of Mt. Dew. He’s a Dewist.”

As much as I love comics, I do not even come close to the level of immense-fandomosity that Frank A. Diaz has achieved in his lifetime.

A fixture of the comics scene online and all-about town in his native Miami – Frank lives the dream. Being an amazing artist himself, nothing gets Frank as excited like great comic book art and artists. He’s all into story too, but it’s the art that really sparks up his Light-Brite.

For those of you who aren’t so into comics – there’s a place in every comic book store in America that aficionados like us love to mine like a bunch’a Dwarves singing Hi-Ho – the treasure chest which is The Discount Bin:

In anticipation of the upcoming Billy2, Billy Purgatory is .99 on Amazon – so, “You could got that shit in a discount bin!” Click!

Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy Purgatory dares you to join him.

Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales by Marni Mann FREE for your Kindle

I get a chance to read books sometimes.  I figured out, kinda to my dismay, that when you start outlining books, making notes for books, flow-charting plot lines, editing, actually writing them, editing, then editing, and more damn editing, you don’t have as much “ME” time as you used to have when you were a slacker.  When you would wear your pajama bottoms and a feed store cap for days on end while drinking Schlitz beer and playing Super Mario Bros.  Even though that in itself was a grueling schedule – there was occasionally time to read a book.

One of the books I made time for this year is Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales: A Story of Addiction by Marni Mann.

I’m glad that I made time for this one – it was compelling, dark, dramatical (that’s so a real word), emotional, edge of your seatness, and thrilling.  Now, with everything I just typed and from reading this blog I know what you’re thinking:  This is more crap about a secret space alien conspiracy involving the woodchuck overlords in power armor suits fighting against elves that bake cookies and hunt chupacabras – but NO!

And while everything I’ve just listed should one day be a book, this book is actually about a real life kinda girl named NIcole – someone just like someone that you and I have surely known in our day to day real lives (they exist, get off Facebook for a minute and stop checking in that you’re at Old Navy).  Nicole is one of those people who has real hopes and dreams about her future – but she’s haunted by something terrible that happened to her.  She makes the decision to move on with her life and leaves her small town home and moves to the big city, but life just won’t seem to let her get over her past and she slowly starts to make ever-increasing bad choices as to how to proceed with her life.

Sometimes even when we think we’re doing the right thing and making the best choices that we possibly can in how to deal with our reality we end up telling ourselves that we need certain things to survive.  If we let this story we’ve concocted in our heads get the best of us, then we end up creating a reality for ourselves that is far worse than the one we’re trying so hard to escape from.

Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales has over 40 5-Star Reviews on Amazon and is completely legit FREE for your Kindle.  True, it’s no Witches VS Robots, but it’s still one of the best books I’ve read in a long time!

Memoirs is currently FREE on Kindle so Click!

Click to read Marni Mann’s 11 Questions of Badassary Interview!

Click, cause it’s still FREE!

Still Alien Abducted + Writers I Admire + Billy Purgatory FREE on Kindle

Greetings brothers and sisters of Planet Earth!  The Mozrian Saucer Armada pulled into a club on the not-so outer-ring of Saturn.  I thought the rave on Pluto last night would have shut these guys and green girls down – but if there’s anything I can report with any certainty to all of you who are scared that aliens are gonna blow you up – it’s that aliens are way too distracted getting their club on to worry about a full-scale invasion.

There's a reason Space-Aliens abducted Randy Quaid.

It’s seriously like you dropped a Kardashian into a shoe store and told her there was a free E! Channel Wedding Coupon hiding in one of the boxes of Jimmy Choo’s – the party is kicking until someone is stumbling out with a new financee and a fancy pair of strappy heels.

Now's your chance, dude - her Fiiii - Ance left her!

So anyway, club life in the outer cosmos doesn’t look like it’s stoppin’ anytime soon.  Meanwhile, while I’m out here trying to get alien girls to notice me – which is a whole set of problems beyond getting regular girls to notice me – back on Earth a lot of people have downloaded their FREE Kindle copy of Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird.  People seem to really be into the idea of checking out what Billy Purgatory is all about + they seem to like getting stuff free too – it’s my pleasure to provide both of these things to anyone who wants them.

Billy Purgatory cover art by the amazing Thomas Boatwright!

A writer who I follow on Twitter by the name of Tim Queeney – who wrote some really cool books that I like, George In London & The SHIVA Compression + runs a really funny site called Height of Eye, was nice enough to read Billy Purgatory and write up a review.  I guess I’m never really prepared fully for people to like the book enough to write a review, much less say stuff like this:

The first few pages of Billy Purgatory seal the deal. You quickly realize that this is no ordinary skatekid, vampire, monster, devil bird book. Billy Purgatory is a phantasmagorical thrill ride into a world of teenage love, blood dripping undead and one of the most outrageously entertaining birth scenes ever written. More than merely a humorous, stylish foray into the horror genre, however, this book also resonates with themes of love, loss and acceptance of the way that life can hold us back, even break us. The last thing you might expect about so entertaining and imaginative a book like this is how touching and ultimately true it is. If there is something about Billy Purgatory that might not work for some readers, it might be the book’s episodic/dreamlike structure that doesn’t move like a standard linear plot. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from grabbing a copy of Billy and going for a wild ride!

The fact he’s a fellow author who I respect and am a fan of just makes it all better.

Billy Purgatory is still bouncing around the Top Ten on Kindle’s Contemporary Fantasy list (#6 last time I checked) and it’s still FREE and I’d love for you to get yourself a copy and I’d love even more to hear what you think about it.  When I get back to Earth, I’m probably gonna charge money for it (if I’m not too hung over from all these future drinks to remember to change the price).

Click for Time Zombie Transportation!

Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy dares you to join him.

Other Earth-Badassary News that I heard about today (via Space-Twitter)…

Author R.B. Wood has re-launched his outstanding novel The Prodigal’s Foole today!

Check out this smoking hot cover – it’s sweeter than space-love!

Patricia Tallman, from Babylon 5 gave him an even sweeter cover blurb:  “GREAT RIDE! Loved reading it.  Couldn’t put it down!”

Classy hot space lady! Patricia Tallman, you're doing it right *sigh*

The Prodigal's Foole is FREE for a limited time for you to grab up too! Click!

A man can run from his past … but not his future.

Symon Bryson lives in self-imposed exile until Monsignor DuBarry goes missing and not even the most adept of the magic practitioners can determine the reason for the abduction. The clues lie buried in the past amidst epic battles and horrific losses but reliving that failed mission uncovers fresh challenges and fearsome threats that reunite his old team.

Symon must deal with his own hidden demons and confront the menace that threatens the delicate balance of power. When the darkest of all evils lures Symon into springing a long-planned trap, an unsuspecting world will confront the unthinkable.

When all that stands between Heaven and Hell is magic, more than faith will be tested.

Check out Tim Queeney too!

Click on George!

“George in London is funny and a touch irreverent, a fun voyage which, if it didn’t happen, we should wish it did. Tim Queeney captures the spirit of the young Washington and surrounds him with a cast of compelling characters, foremost among them the indomitable Darius Attucks. And if the personal history is made up, the social history is spot on. The customs, speech and eighteenth century settings are rendered with well-researched accuracy. For readers who might like their history leavened with humor, this book is for you.”

-James L. Nelson, author of the books, “George Washington’s Secret Navy: How the American Revolution Went to Sea” (McGraw Hill); “George Washington’s Great Gamble: And the Sea Battle That Won the American Revolution” (Ragged Mountain Press) and “With Fire and Sword: The Battle of Bunker Hill and the Beginning of the American Revolution” (Thomas Dunne Books).

Click the Missile!

The ultimate doomsday weapon: The top secret SHIVA Compression virus can automatically launch all U.S. nuclear missiles. Once released onto the nation’s communications networks, SHIVA cannot be turned off.

Air Force Lieutenant Perry Helion stumbles across a twisted cult that seeks to use SHIVA to produce an orgy of destruction. Perry and his team have only a few days to somehow stop the SHIVA virus from burrowing into the launch computers at every Minuteman missile base and sending the nuclear warheads arcing skyward to an all-consuming firestorm.

Walter Penko’s “The Onion Psychiatrist” [Graphic Novel]

Walter Penko produces an indie comic out of his garage in Sylvania, Illinois – it’s called The Onion Psychiatrist. Just as the title states, it’s about an onion that is also a psychiatrist.

The premise of the book is that people come in to talk about their fears, their lives, their phobias – and the onion psychiatrist sits quietly listening. Invariably, just as his patients will start to feel better about their problems, the drifting lines that Penko draws to indicate the odor of the onion psychiatrist will reach the patient’s nose and they will begin tearing up and crying uncontrollably.

The onion psychiatrist only listens, Penko never employs talk bubbles with the character. The silent dialogue from the onion psychiatrist is handled by the swirling odor-lines eminating from his spherical frame. In this way, the onion is a silent observor of life’s happenings, trapped within some self imposed solitary confinement and unable to effectively interact with those people who desperately need him the most.

His patients are shown panel by panel pouring out their souls about life’s tragic circumstances while the onion sits there, quietly, stewing in his own stench. It’s as if this stench is actually a pervading anti-noise that cuts the patients down panel per panel, until they can no longer keep their composure, and in an explosive mess of tears and Kleenex, they let it all go.

Onion Psychiatrist is a tale of life in our time.  Detached from the closeness of other humans and retreating further and further into stinky personal hells. The book employs this metaphor as its core theme – the pushing away from society until the stink of it all breaks us down and exposes the fragile souls within the armor we wear day to day. As tears are purged and emotions well to the surface we are all, inevitably, gasping for clean air.

Penko himself is one who has been gasping his entire life – reaching out, but not really knowing how or who to reach to. Comics were never his life’s ambition, and even now as a sort of cult figure in the indie comics world, he seems uneasy with the whole affair. He began Onion Psychiatrist after he was laid off from the computer manufacturing industry (The Intellivision crash of ’83).

He could only find odd jobs to sustain himself and his family (eleven cats, all named Whiskers). He began his comics career after becoming obsessed with the newspaper staple The Family Circus, but also credits Hi and Lois as a huge inspiration. Never into the idea of superheroes, he decided that if he was going to venture into the comics world he’d have to create something real and that spoke to people just like me.

Penko took the plunge, investing in materials and given the luxury of free time to work on the book after a successful appearance on the game show The Price is Right allowed him to win a Showcase Showdown. Selling off his prizes for cash (a new dishwasher, a grandfather clock, and a Chevy Cavalier), …

…he purchased art supplies and began working on what would become Onion Psychiatrist. Disheveled and walking around his house in a dirty bathrobe, he drank nothing but Sanka and obsessively chewed nicotine gum for inspiration.

His compulsions paid off eventually.

Even now with his cult status and his awards he still doesn’t feel he’s arrived. Something seems to still naw at him – as if he’s the subject of his own comic. The book, he admits, has been cathartic for him.  He ventures out more, joining a square dancing class recently as well as participating in war re-enactments of the US occupation of Grenada.

“I guess…” as he ends our talk through his locked screen door, “I guess I just haven’t smelt that stank yet – that stinked.  You know? I guess I ain’t got a good enough snitched of my own stink, that which comes from my own onion. It ain’t made them teardrops flow.”

As the front door proper closed, I heard the rhythmn of many locks snapping into place and I left there feeling I had learned something about the human condition. I hummed a tune, as I lazily made my way to the next house on the block, still trying to give away all those copies of Watchtower that weighed me down so – but with a little more spring in my step.

* * * * *

I am not the genius that Walter Penko is, and I have never written a comic about Sanka or Onions, but…

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five

“It is happening again.”

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Read Reviews!

Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

 

“Cupcakes, bitch!” + Books with Vampires in them

 

Click for Time Zombie Transportation!

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

“I first heard whispers about this book on twitter. Comments about a “badass skateboarder”, time zombies, vampires, Greek Gods, and tentacles. I decided I had to check it out myself. The story revolves around skateboarder Billy Purgatory, and his uncanny ability to find himself in the center of trouble with the undead and ancient gods. We start the story with Billy at age ten saving the life of a young girl from a couple vampires, but this girl is more than she seems. I began to read with eyebrows raised questioning how this author, as he revealed more and more of these disconnected creatures; was going to spin these elements into a fine tale. I pictured water spiraling into the darkness of a storm drain. To my delight however, the spiral of water began to rise high into the sky as a tornado, a force of dark nature. Next thing I know I was on the field when the time zombie arrived, I was riding the train with Billy and Anastasia. I felt the heat around Lissandra as she ran from the fire. Without realizing it, I had stepped into the story. It is not something that happens often.”  - Author Glenn Skinner, The Keya Quests Blog

Fangs for the Click!

Hey, folks. I’m Joe, and I’m a vampire – not by choice, mind you, but by accident…a fate-twisting, fang-creating, blood lust-inducing misunderstanding. It started with a group date, a case of mistaken identity and far too many sake bombers, and ended with a ridiculous set of circumstances that I just can’t seem to wrap my head around.

Maybe you can tell: I’m not real happy about it.

But I’m certainly not going to let it get in the way of my life.

Ask Dr. Badassary / and Gaea’s Chosen: Event Horizon

People have been sending in their medical questions to me – at first I wasn’t sure why.  True, I am a renaissance badass – kind of a da Vinci Vitruvian dude meets Evel Knievel – but I wasn’t sure how any of that Dr. Quinn medicine business was gonna mix in.  People normally ask me stuff about “what do I do if I get my leg caught in a Bigfoot trap?” or “if I was on fire and killing zombies how many rounds could I get off before the flames overtake me and I’d have to jump into a tub of Robitussin?”

So the more I thought about all that kinda stuff – I realized that FIRST AID might be important with the end of the world coming up soon and all – and that immanent attack by the aliens from V (old school V because that shit is real – new V is fake and made up like Taylor Swift).

"I'm in, just don't take EVERYTHING off."

Outer-space is a complicated place – especially when love is involved!  Take for example: Gaea’s Chosen: Event Horizon by Cara Michaels, a book that’s full of all kinds of space-badassary and cool future-swords and meta-humans and a hot protagonist (what?  Gemma Bryant sounds like a hottie-ass-kicker and I have no filter when it comes to hotness-ass-kickery) – and for the ladies there’s Marcus Gilpin and a cat-eyed-meta dude (if you’re into that kinda stuff).

This is the second installment of Cara’s space-serial, part one being Gaea’s Chosen: The Mayday Directive, and I like how this is all coming together.  The first episode was more Gemma’s story, and you weren’t so sure about Dr. Marcus Gilpin – he’s a kind of pissed-off space-dude who isn’t so sure he made the right decision coming on this journey into outer-space.  This second episode gives you a little flashback info on Marcus and his lost love, Tegan – and now I feel like I know what this guy is all about and I instantly was sympathetic to his plight – in space nobody can hear your romantic-angst so you’re forced to step it up or you get your heart tossed out an airlock.  You know, it’s not all love-in-spaaaaaaccce – but that part of it definitely makes the characters real, believable, and gives you that much more reason to care about them when the crazy-cosmos-action cranks into overdrive!

Check it!

Dr. Marcus Gilpin left Earth with the woman he loved, but the very science he put his faith in promised her to another man…

Six months after waking in unknown parts of the galaxy, Marcus Gilpin is still recovering from a mauling that nearly killed him. His love gone, his ship lost—a crew of twenty now numbers only five, and he should have been among the dead.

He’s not entirely certain death wouldn’t be a relief—until he learns Gaea’s Ark isn’t alone, and a distress call reveals an unbelievable truth: The love he’d thought lost forever is still very much alive, and she’ll need his help to stay that way.

Gaea’s Chosen: Selected to settle a new world twenty light years from home…only things didn’t quite go as planned.

In matters of medicine, 13 is everyone's lucky number.

Meanwhile, back on Earth suddenly Ask Dr. Badassary!

Tim:  could you discuss the priapistic mechanism in the female? With examples and 8 x 10 glossies?

Tim, it all starts like this.

Quill Shiv:  If my ankle is broken and my hands barely work anymore, does this mean I get a gov’t issued hot assistant/nurse? Oh, wait…that’s not a medical question… Um…I’m ailing..and I can’t decide which would help more: 4 or 5 helpers around the house?

Quill Shiv, according to what I saw on C-SPAN this morning you're eligible for one of these.

January Jones Assistant Anonymous:  Is there value in eating placenta?

I don't know, the going rate is cheaper than my ebook plus it comes with BBQ chips - sounds like value to me!

Sex in the City cast Anonymous:  Hey Doc, my third superfluous nipple aches–is that normal?

No, it's not normal - but I'm not saying it's wrong.

#dancedancedancemachine:  Where do babies come from?

#dancedancedancemachine, this is where babies come from. Yes, I'm saying it's very wrong.

@Cinderella:  I have lesions on my…er…face. Yeah. Or maybe they’re kind of wart like.

@Cinderella, totally cure-able. Stay away from those creams they sell at CVS that are for other parts of the body - the normally 'happy' parts.

Vehemently Jones Anonymous:  Female priapism is called clitorism. I’m sure you can figure out the rest. But…clitorism. What kind of word is that? It makes it sound like having a clitoris is an ‘ism’, a disease. Wow. I don’t think I have typed the word clitoris so much!!

Dear Anonymous, I don't know what you're talking about and have never heard of any of that. But here are some pictures of other things that don't exist...

If you have more questions for Dr. Badassary, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook!

Make it rain and get your space on…

Click to get your ass tossed across the universe!

Cara Michaels is a dreamer of legendary proportions (just ask her about the alien pirate spaceship invasion). Her imagination is her playground and nothing is quite so much fun for her as building new characters and new worlds with at least an edge of the fantastic. She’s writing whenever the opportunity presents itself and can typically be found tinkering with half a dozen projects. Occasionally all at once.

She calls Florida ‘home’ when she’s not busy swearing about giant bugs and humidity. She has one super-cool fiancé who doesn’t (usually) mind the hours spent writing, editing, writing some more, and editing a lot more, one son with aspirations of becoming either a great wizard or an artist, and three cats who enjoy sleeping on her works in progress.

Badass Sci-Fi Author Cara Michaels!

Follow Cara Michaels on Twitter!

And if you’re curious about what sort of mental problems I might have that makes me blog in this fashion…

Click for Time Zombie Transportation!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

***Jesse James Freeman is not ACTUALLY a doctor, and since a brief walk-on stint (ended by set-security) on General Hospital he doesn’t even play one on TV.  You should not listen to anything he says and consult a real doctor if there is something wrong with you – in fact, you should never listen to ANYTHING that Jesse James Freeman ever tells you because he is a liar – a confident liar – but ultimately, a liar.

Kind of a review of Billy Purgatory by The Keya Quests author Glenn Skinner!

It wouldn’t let me make it any bigger – so click to see!

Click for Time Zombie transportation to Amazon!

Click to get your Epic Fantasy on!

Roll a Natural 20 with your +10 finger of book clicking!