I’ve had some down-time lately, and this has allowed me to catch up on some reading; and by down-time I mean that incident at the Winter Carnival (which I can’t talk about according to my court-appointed lawyer, but I will say that driving a tractor with a goat as your co-pilot should not be considered reckless endangerment, anyone who’s had to sit through a Law & Order marathon on TNT knows that). There are only so many hours in the day I can Tweet Ralph Macchio to taunt him into agreeing to fight me in the Valley Karate Championship, and after a case of Schlitz the thrill of that life goal kinda wears off and seems zenfully shallow.
This is an actor that looks like Norman Rockwell trying to sell you Schlitz.
This is the real Tess Thompson and not an actor trying to sell you cough syrup.
This is my karate nemesis. I could take him in a fight, even though he has really nice hair.
Since it is winter, all the creeks have frozen up and the elusive Yeti has gone into hibernation, which always strikes me as a little odd — shouldn’t winter be prime-time for Yetis? But I digress, the point of this article is to illustrate that I needed something to do to occupy my brain, steel-trap beasts like that brain of mine need to stay well oiled or they become rusty, like that C3-PO that Dorothy found on the Yellow Brick road to Oz near those talking trees.
Talking trees are total dicks, fyi.
After I played a few games of Words With Friends and kicked Karla Nellenbach and Alec Baldwin’s ass by using the words Fahrvergnügen and Bassoon in a combination they just weren’t ready for, I decided that I needed something fresh and unique to set my synapses all a-flutter.
I made this in MS Paint cause I take blogging seriously and no expense is spared.
It also had to be something that wouldn’t set off the electronic ankle-bracelet.
This is when I discovered that I had been emailed an advance copy of a new book by Tess Thompson entitled Caramel and Magnolias. Now, the title was instantly intriguing, as I have known two pleasant young ladies in my past who happened to be named Caramel and Magnolia respectively. I quickly discovered by doing a word search on the document that these were not the same ladies, as glitter wasn’t used once in the manuscript.
I’m talking about this book right here. Tess wrote it, not the guy trying to sell you Schlitz.
Still, why not? I decided to read (well, some parts I had my Uncle Lester Earl read out loud to me, because he sounds everything out and it was kinda funny, but ultimately distracting).
As I dug deeper into this book, I wasn’t ready for what was being presented to me. What was this strange world that Tess Thompson had created? Who were these people? When would we find out that the Loch Ness Monster was involved?
Turns out, this was one of those romantical books.
Like this.
See, there’s this nice schoolteacher lady named Cleo, with a broken-heart from something that happened to her in her past that involved a box of donuts (before you jump to conclusions, you’re probably thinking the same thing that I was, but it turns out it’s not that). Then there was this other lady named Sylvia who wanted to have a baby and, right when she thinks she’s got everything she wants, tragedy strikes. Turns out Sylvia has a longing-heart, she’s in love with this dude and he’s in love with her too, but neither one of them will tell one another. So, it made me go, “Dude, tell her you love her and stuff. Cause if you don’t then you’re gonna be an old man and have this weird bucket-list and one of the things you have to check off is going to the Walgreens and buying a Hey, I’m an old dude now, and I should have told you that I loved you card with a picture of a cute kitten on the front of it…
Just letting you all know, you’d think that cute kitten card trick would work, but turns out the rate of success in real-world scenarios is not that high.
This stuff totally works though.
For guys like me, that are totally in touch with their emotions and Deepak Chopra talks to you in your head like Obi-Wan Kenobi, it was easy to get wrapped up in this story. The characters are very well written and have interesting back-stories (I never thought I’d admit something like this, but the character work in this is even better than the cast of The Expendables, and that had Stallone, Willis, and Schwarzenegger).
Just when you think life can’t get anymore zen.
The more I think about Caramel and Magnolias, the more I consider that it’s not just about all that love stuff, there’s cross-genre appeal (I just copied cross-genre appeal out of an article about The Hunger Games, so you’re welcome, universe). There’s buddy cop stuff going on, there’s crime and intrigue, there’s a little solving a murder sprinkled in. The only thing missing really is Space Marine, and I can’t fault Tess Thompson on that — because after Aliens where do you go with it that hasn’t already been covered?
Fighting Aliens all day is hard. Luckily, Sigourney Weaver tucked them in every night and then read Riversong to them.
And in case I freaked you out above by talking about cute cat pictures, there’s a mean cat in this book. I’m not entirely convinced that it’s not a werewolf pretending to be a cat. We’ll have to wait for a sequel to learn the truth on that one. If it’s set in London and Jenny Agutter offers to take care of someone then Tess Thompson will have already tipped her hand to the involvement of a secret lycanthrope conspiracy.
Click for Rob Kelly’s Illustration Blog!
The cats in this book didn’t need to be cute anyway, there’s babies that take care of that action. For those of you who love cute babies with dimpled chins, this book is for you. I am glad to see cute babies getting their due in modern fiction. I was just reading some Dan Brown the other day (okay, I was watching that movie because the cable company forgot to lock the box that turns off my HBO) and I was saying to myself “You know, you good looking badass, you — Tom Cruise does a good job solving these mysteries and running through the Vatican, but could he take care of a baby?” I’m calling you out, Top Gun. Tom Selleck, Steve Guttenberg, and Ted Danson have got nothing to prove in the baby taking-care-of department. So far, all we know about you is that you take after-volleyball showers at Kelly McGillis’s house and talk to a soccer ball.
It always ends up being Val Kilmer that ties everything together.
So, if you’re not like my Uncle Lester Earl and you didn’t quit school in the 5th grade so you could run away with the carnival, therefore, know how to read books, Caramel and Magnolias has something for you.
Read these words and let Tess Thompson school you on babies, and love, and cops, and cops in love, and pianos, and how to make stuff out of glass, and beer. You should get off the sidelines, and read Caramel and Magnolias.
Click for Amazon!
(In the interest of full disclosure, and since I cannot afford two lawyers at the same time, I am a part of the Booktrope family, who is the publisher of Caramel and Magnolias. Tess Thompson or Booktrope in no way endorsed this article (or even wanted it) and Tess did not pay me $20 to write it, even though I might have asked her to. What? I was drunk.)
Click for Tess’s blog!
Tess Thompson is a mother before all else, and a writer after that. She’s also a Zumba queen, though the wearing of the crown is reserved for invitation-only appearances. After honing her craft in theater with a prize-winning play titled My Lady’s Hand, her heart was called to a different storytelling medium: the great American novel.
And all was right with the world.
The first of these, Riversong (Booktrope Editions), went on to become #1 on Barnes and Noble’s Nook Book chart in October 2011. Two years after its release, readership ofRiversong continued to grow, spending weeks in the top 100 Kindle bestsellers; it’s known amongst her friends and family as “the little book that could.”
And now, I try and sell you Schlitz…
Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five is the second book in Jesse James Freeman’s Billy Purgatory series. He has been at war with dark forces (stuff like: cobras, lasers, yetis) his entire life. He enjoys Tweeting, scented candles, and waffles. He is hard at work on Billy Purgatory 3 and an epic poem entitled Witches vs Robots.
Being interviewed on this blog is an exhaustive scientific process under normal circumstances. There is form and function involved, but it really never goes places that I don’t expect. I’m not doing something important here, like curing bad breath (because Budweiser already does that). Normally the tried and true system works with me writing out the questions and then scanning them into email. Something like…
This is the protocol that I followed with Sarah Martinez (then I passed out after downing a bottle of the finest plastic-bottled Scotch that money could buy). I guess I wasn’t ready for the epicosity that would one day arrive back in my email box.
I read it and I thought it was fantastico. I thought that there were some pretty heavy/intriguing topics in the book, and it’s one of those reads that stayed with me for days while I tried to figure out what it all meant.
So, I was out working on my moonshine still (aka typical Thursday night) and I said to myself, “I’m using way too much brain power on all this. Why don’t I just ask Sarah to talk about her book, and life, and what’s the nature of the human condition?” I realized that I was sitting on this old oil drum in the same pose as that Thinker statue dude. Yes, I was naked, but I don’t normally pose like that when I’m making shine.
I wrote out my questions and emailed, then Sarah’s lawyers emailed me back (this is a normal step in the process), then KSears was like, “Why are you talking to Sarah? She’s busy writing books? And, where are my…
???”
I found out Sarah was having this big fancy launch party in someplace called Seattle. I thought about hitting that, because nobody does fancy like me. I couldn’t find my tuxedo-T-shirt (and I didn’t know where Seattle was). There was tons of important book stuff going on there though:
See, here’s Sarah there talking about writer stuff:
Anyhow, when all was said and done, Sarah emailed me back her answers – 10 pages of answers! Obviously, she thinks I’m a legit journalist or something.
So prepareth for reading-time of awesomeness, as I present here the novella which is
Sarah Martinez Answers 11 Questions of Badassary!
Author Sarah Martinez, yo!
1.
So, I was reading your book and like the main character is a writer who writes erotica and like there’s erotica that goes down in the book and so I was saying, “This is like one of those paintings that has one of those paintings in it and that has a painting in that and it goes on for infinity until the painting gets all tiny.”
This dude told me that if you squint your eyes and look at this picture sideways you see a koala bear.
So, should there be more books that have tiny paintings in them?
Not if there aren’t authors who want to write them. I wrote Sex and Death in the American Novel in the middle of a pretty hard core obsession with two authors. I saw one as the road to madness and the other the road to salvation, and somewhere as I read more, I fell in love with the one who represented madness. So this book is a weird assed way for me to try and express that.
There is the element of me addressing my favorite authors, and in the book I am writing about the experience of writing and you are reading about what it means to be a reader. It is a whole circular thing and it ended for me when I got to give the book to one of my favorite authors when he came to town. I think that was where the book ended for me, if that makes sense. Now I am ready to move on to the next thing.
I kinda want to take over the Nancy Drew books, but make her like badass Nancy Drew. She was raised by werewolves and now she’s a model who solves crimes…
I also love writers so I was very interested in all the discussions of process and how many of us work, how many of us are judged, how we judge ourselves, how we judge others, and how outsiders judge what we write.
2.
There’s a lot more going on in your book than Sex and Death–but the sex is definitely there. What’s the secret to writing the sexy times? A lot of people are writing about the sexy times lately, but I’m not so sure a lot of us are doing it right. When I try to write that kinda stuff I don’t think I do a very good job at it–but I’m a guy and I think I’ve accomplished something groundbreaking if I can just work “boobs” into a sentence.
Why do you think that is?
Dude, here’s an exercise for you. Think of the five words you really really aren’t supposed to say, let alone write. Pick the worst one. Then write for ten minutes using that word in every line. Not every sentence, every line. I stole that from Jack Remick, and a version of this exercise can also be found in The Writer’s Portable Mentor by Priscilla Long.
“Nancy Drew raised by werewolves? What’s your opening line? – “A long time ago Nancy Drew was hot and raised by hot werewolves?”
Jack Remick and I will be doing a class that will cover writing sex scenes for the Pacific Northwest Writers Association on November 3rd. There should also be a webinar so you can look it up later. I am excited about this class, and working with writers who want to write past what they are afraid to talk about.
In my case anyway, when I got past all the self-censoring I was doing and moved into trying to be as honest and true to what I was afraid of and badly wanted to say, it opened up so many more aspects of my work. I could say I was pissed at my father and that I in fact hated him at times, because I let that barrier down. Letting down the walls that keep us from writing honestly about sex also opens up the ability to talk about other aspects of our lives.
The key to writing sex or anything really, is to put all of yourself into it. Study others who have done it well—for you, don’t listen to what others say is a good scene if it doesn’t work for you—and keep practicing. Like sex itself, the more you do, the better at it you become and the more aware and present you are for the whole deal, the more you will get out of it.
Writing is about awareness, honesty, respect for your topic, and fearlessness. When I am afraid of something is when I find I want to skim over it. The need to skip over a topic should be a clue that it may need some attention. Even if that only ends up being one line in the final draft, it probably should be addressed.
I also think that starting from a really radical place and revising for audience is the way to go. Throw everything you have at the scene you are writing, and then tame it if you need to. But if you write tame in the first place, you risk losing the special bit that comes out when you let yourself go. Knowing you I am actually surprised you would have a hard time with this. Pretend you are on twitter and you have to be as explicit as you can in your descriptions. What key words would you have to use to make your points if you were attempting to shock, seduce or enchant? Let yourself go and I think you will be surprised at what you come up with.
Maybe I always get hung up on *enchant*?
I have been finding some phenomenal male writers lately who address sex in their work. Marco Vassi’sThe Stoned Apocalypse, as well as The Gentle Degenerates, areimportant, as is anything and everything by Junot Diaz. He just published some of his best short stories in the collection This is How You Lose Her. His short story “Alma” is one of my favorites. The actual sex scene there is short but very well done and the entire story is infused with this dark sexually charged energy.
I am just beginning to read these, but even just his reasons for writing sound exactly like what I have been saying for a while. His work reminds me a lot of the honesty and a certain type of hope I was so drawn to in Marco Vassi.
“Oh, so Sarah and that Marco dude could write about kick-ass hot Nancy Drew…”
3.
I’m just gonna stay focused on Sarah’s interview and keep my genius werewolf ideas to myself.
Your blog addresses a lot of topics: writing, literature, relationships, sex. Beyond self-promotion, what sort of discussions are really important to you to engage in with readers? What are the sorts of dialogues you feel are crucial to keep relevant currently? What should we be talking about more openly that we’re not?
I hope my blog handles self-promotion least of all topics. I really want it to be a place for gathering information that is relevant to my own sensibility. When you land there you should pretty quickly be able to figure out who I am and what is important to me. It is also very important to me that I am able to promote others who are “doing it right.” Once in awhile I will do what I call a “gushy post” and I will rave and fawn over some new writer I have discovered.
I am planning a series of posts where I will interview several male writers that I admire, who are writing about sex in ways that are worth taking notice.When I wrote my novel I was addressing the fact that a few of the writers I respected hardly handled sex at all in their work, but were supposed to be addressing the human condition. I never expected this meant all male writers, because of course, there wasJunot Diaz and Marco Vassi, but Marco Vassi was mostly classified as a porn writer!
People get paid to write porn? Wait … what is this a picture of?
I was addressing a very specific assumption I had, that I am still trying to work though, that literary fiction can’t or shouldn’t handle explicit sex because it is too…well…explicit, tasteless or ew, you know, like too gross or something… Fuck! Forget the fact that it is also something that is universal, vital and either traumatic or pleasurable as an activity. Why real depictions of it are still largely stuck into a separate genre is something I continue to look at and discuss.
I also want people to learn something as well. When I say I wrote a book that was erotic many people bring up the latest blockbuster that deals with BDSM. If a careful reader comes to my site, they will find recommendations to other books they might also find interesting and find out why I am writing the way I do.
The last thing I want to do is trivialize sex further; instead I want to celebrate and examine it and point people towards other artists who do the same. If I can accomplish that with my website, blog, facebook and twitter ramblings, I will have done something important.
Why would anyone wanna trivialize sex further? …oh, yeah!
Something unrelated to the book that you will find on my website , is about a place I was in as a teenager called Straight, Inc. It was a radical institution which called itself a drug treatment program that worked with teenagers through the 70’s until the early 90s. This is a part of who I am that until pretty recently I kept quiet about and mostly tried to ignore. As I get older and try to work through some of what it means for me to have been in that place, it becomes more important to both integrate it into my discussions about who I am and try to draw attention to it. There are a good number of people out there who were in places like this and I think it is important that they don’t feel alone. I have several links up on my website and have posted a few essays about the experience and will continue to do so from time to time.
4.
You list Atlas Shrugged as an inspiration.I really loved that novel when I read it – more for the characters and less for some of the extreme Objectivism. Anthem was a super-important book for me when I first read it. Do you think poor Ayn is getting a bad rap, lately?
I have been told that shit tons of people like Ayn for the reasons I do, but I haven’t met any of them until you! Generally Atlas Shrugged is only cited when discussions of a political nature come up. The pieces about Atlas that resonated for me, and were exactly why I threw the references into the book were first the notion that your mind, your thoughts, and your reason are valuable. In the context of my book, it was like, hey, if you like erotica, or science fiction more than literary fiction, don’t feel bad about that. Don’t let people who purport to know, as those party goers did in Atlas, tell you that you are wrong. Do your thing and be proud of it, and choose wisely, being true to your own vision of the world. Also, as a writer, don’t write what you think other people want, or what might sell, or any of that, write what really turns your crank, rocks your clock, and floats your particular boat.
Like this kinda boat?
The second thing I appreciated was that she addressed the power that guilt has over us all. We get to look at how it works as a motivator in relationships of all kinds. One of the writers I admire, Jonathan Franzen, talked about this in a speech he gave when he came to Seattle. He is the first writer I ever heard address this. Guilt is an especially big deal for mothers as we are often expected to give up our hopes and dreams until our kids are grown.One day it occurred to me that that was unreasonable, and that much of the guilt I had about doing what I wanted was left over from judging my own mother who also didn’t do the June Cleaver thing.
As I began pulling away from the day to day routine that involved me being available for husband and kids 24/7, I had to deal with quite a bit of guilt, and still do for choosing to spend my time writing, editing and attending events for all of it. But I also believe that my happiness and my example to my girls matters in the long run. Do I want them to think that they are doomed to a life of constant sacrifice and no personal fulfillment if they decide to go the domestic route? That sort of insight took a while though. I think we are still taught to give up quite a bit for the sake of our families and it is not always easy to imagine another way to be until we have done it for a while.
Here is something that nobody mentions… Did Dagny not have the most incredible men lusting after her? And they weren’t lusting after her because she had a rack that could drop jaws, but instead it was all about what was inside her, and what she was capable of. So there was, like Twilight,which I read at the same time I read Atlas Shrugged,this implication for some incredible group sex.
Like this?
Don’t give me that look. It was there the whole time. I should write it so you’ll see…
5. Sex and Death has some heavy topics mixed in with self-discovery and erotica. Your protagonist starts off writing gay pornography because she’s more interested in writing books that are “fun escapist reads” VS “high literature.” She also explores the nature of women’s roles in relationships and how they’re perceived by society. As a whole, do you think we’re ever going to get over a lot of the puritanical hang-ups that color our views and pre-conceived notions about what it means to interact intimately with others and what our roles are supposed to be in that dance?
First I want to say that I am no expert on anything, all I can speak to is what I have observed in my own life and what I have been learning lately.
I had thought we were still, at least where I lived, pretty hung up, but since I wrote the book these fascinating people, largely men, have been handing me all sorts of information. I think now I need to distinguish between mainstream media (the literary fiction I was reading was mainstream and popular) and what the men’s movements and what some would call counter-culture are doing. Until I found Marco Vassi, I was pretty sure men were not able to function mentally and be sexual beings. True story.I know,I am special and incredibly precious aren’t I? What Vassi wrote was revelatory and confirmed something that I had hoped–that men were more like me than different– and there was a way to find a real connection with these beings who for many reasons I admired.
I am not sure if anything different is possible in any context where we are slave to a mass consciousness, certainly not where people are still labeled, still not able to be themselves without judgment. This again goes to my discussion of what good is and what bothers me about labels in general. Is a man who can have sex with both women and men and find connection there any less of a man than one who only sleeps with women? According to the jokes I heard on TV and the way I have heard men talked about all my life, there would be something wrong with him.
I also feel like the nuances that make all of life so exciting is what television, and the mass media are so awful at dealing with. Because we simplify things to the point of inanity, it is very easy to assume, especially at an unconscious level, that there is something wrong with you if you want something different than what mainstream media presents. We wax off all of our body hair, get plastic surgery, and airbrush everything, so that both men and women now are faced with images on magazine covers and in movies that set up an expectation that we have to then reconcile both about who we are and about what we are supposed to want. What if the thing that really gets you going is the image of some big hairy lumberjack…who may be sporting a roll around his middle but has incredibly powerful shoulders? Can a woman just be attracted to man because of what he represents as a being without having to also fantasize about him having rock hard abs and a bank account to rival Donald Trump?
I have been hearing women talk about these issues relating to what they think society expects of us, but when I flipped it around and looked at it from the male perspective, something clicked into place for me. If men can’t even be real, then what have we done to ourselves as a culture?It seems to me that the more we commercialize sex, and our own bodies, and the more we simplify our desires, the more we lose something important about our humanity.
Maybe explored a lot of the same issues? Okay, probably not.
Geez, I can go on…
One thing that bothered me at a deep level was when I played back a Charlie Brown specialon DVR for my girls. I had recorded it off the ABC Family channel. The ads that were flashing during the commercials were for this show that featured a bunch of adolescent girls, made up to look like Playmates. They had perfect hair, and full coat of makeup including shiny lipstick and high heels. The show looked like nothing more than a soap opera to me, not something that should be advertised when small children could see it.
Are we saying she’s not legit edgy? Or that she just shouldn’t hang out with Charlie Brown?
I was horrified and watched myself with no small amount of humor,ban any more ABC Family shows. So, that was interesting, here I am this person who talks about sex with anyone who will listen, who writes what most would consider pretty explicit stuff, who talks as honestly and openly about sex as I can with my daughters, but then when it comes to my girls watching this dreck, I turn into my grandmother.
And I think actually that this reconciles perfectly. I want my girls to grow up with a healthy image about what they are supposed to look like, what their friends are supposed to look like and how they should behave and get by in the world. This should apply for them, and for the men and women they choose to share their lives with.
Look at Charlie Brown. Here boys and girls are unique, and each has his own characteristics and something about them that makes them special, and at least as I watch it, the implication is that they will grow up in the world and find all sorts of interesting things to do. With the show I saw ads for, the focus was only on relationships, how to snare a boy, and how to make him the focus of your life.
My exhaustive research has led me back to this!
So my sense is that if we look to anything mainstream as a way to understand ourselves we will be making a huge mistake. This is why books are so valuable, especially the weird ones. Even books that people look down on are more nuanced than anything on television or in the movies.
6.
Bet you didn’t even know there was a European Remix!
Dancing is a recurring thing in the book. It’s a recurring thing with me at weddings – I’m already making plans to start a conga line to Footloose at Tracey Hansen’s wedding. Were you a dancer? Should we maybe all be more dancer and less whatever the hell else we’re currently doing?
Only if that is your thing. I have a friend who sits meditation. He says he gets his energy from meditation, and he thinks, and I would agree, that I get mine from dance. I think we all should be doing what works for us.
I would definitely encourage people who are afraid of dancing to give it a try though. Conga lines have never been my thing but something like that would be a great introduction for the newbie. Take lots of pictures!
I took lessons pretty intensely for about a year and went out at least four times a week for quite a while. I almost had a formal partner for Tango and had plans to go to Argentina and study there before I met my husband. I am not an especially graceful dancer and despite the fact that I love the Argentine Tango, and have lots of fun with Salsa, I am a horrible follow. I still do it but I am awful at it.
The deal is to try and fail and try again and enjoy yourself. That is what dance is all about for me. Like sex, like running, like any other physical activity, when the whole body is involved, it can take you to a different place and in doing that can be quite expansive.
7.
Is anyone in movies or TV doing anything erotic right or is it just the same old Cinemax tropes over and over?
I feel like all I see are tropes but I am also having my eyes opened to the fact that I haven’t been looking in the right places. I think I touched on this in some of my previous answers too.
It’s not like MTV was gonna keep renewing Remote Control forever.
What I am finding is that when I am open to learning about something, the examples sort of fall in my lap. Check back with me, I am sure that I will have something for you soon. For now, what I like is still found in books and a few offbeat places. Did you see the videos from my launch? Maureen O’Donnell does this tribal belly dance that is incredible to watch, especially live. This was not only sexy, but unique and interesting. I have never seen anything like it.
8.
Music or not? If yes, what do you listen to when you write? (You get tons of extra points if it involves Hall & Oates).
I have listened to Hall &Oates. “Maneater” especially helps to tap into a certain vamp vibe–this thing I wanted so desperately to be when I was younger.
#VastMustache!
Addressing that need is something that I deal with in my work. I will be listening to more of the stuff that was popular in the 80s as I am working on a book that takes place during that time. There is nothing like Bonnie Tyler to call up a certain type of romanticy angst. Did you know Hall & Oates did a song with my name in it?
I turned around, Bright Eyes.
Music is very important to me, but it is hard to explain what I do with it. Very strong music like Marilyn Manson and Metallica help to tap into a state of outrage or frustration. Also Enigma works well on the flip side. Often the poppier the better, when I first started Sex and Death in the American Novel I was listening to Lady GaGa. The working title of the book was Bad Romance until only a couple months before it was published.
…or as I like to call her “My Future Ex-Wife”
As I write the first draft, I listen to music, usually pretty loud, and then keep that music around to listen to later on. How I use music tends to be a lot about accessing a specific feeling or if this makes sense, sort of holding the emotional energy so I can get back to it when I need it. When I am trying to really work I need quiet, often the monsters in my head are loud enough, but other times, like when I am revising, or copy editing, I may use something like Bach or Tangerine Dream.
9.
Book Trailer Break!!!
When it’s just not happening–you know–the words, what do you do? How do you get away, re-focus, clear your head?
Physical activities serve to get me the fuck out of my head and back to what got me excited about what I was working on.
Like this? No wait, that’s what Tess Hardwick does.
I am big on running or walking outside, or at the gym if I have to.
That’s what Tracey Hansen does.
Dance is something I am doing more lately, but don’t get to go out to do it as much as I would like. The launch party was a notable example. I was high from that for at least a week.
Yeah, but are you also a welder?
10.
What’s the balance for you between being a writer, being a wife, being a mom, having a life? Do you find yourself being a slightly different person when you’re engaged in different parts of your life–or are you always just Sarah? (Sometimes I’m LBJ–but my therapist tells me to run with it).
Yes, run with it J
Since I was pretty young I have been able to compartmentalize different parts of my life and myself. I am still me and my values are the same, but I handle different people in my life differently. Once in a while someone from one of my mommy groups wants to talk about writing or editing, and it feels a little like the world is tipping.
I find the balance difficult. When I do anything I like to do it fully and often it is hard to switch to something else. Often I feel like I am torn in different directions, like I’ll want to do two things in the same amount of time, like finish a book and read to my daughter before it is time to go to bed.
Mostly now I am doing the writer promoter thing and running kids around during the day. Here I want to say that this is something that would be much more difficult if I didn’t have the husband that I have. He is very centered on the family and so he handles a lot of domestic tasks and of course stays with the girls when I have to go to a conference, or when I write in the evenings. I am not sure how couples who both write do it. I am sure you can make anything work, but this balance is hard for sure.
Different parts of my day are for different things. Early mornings are sacred writing time, then the girls get up and I have to get them ready for school. For a couple hours while my youngest is in school I work, then I pick her up and we run errands, and I do the domesticated wife routine. At least three nights a week I get to work more or run to different events and activities. At bedtime I read to my youngest and then my oldest will get into bed with me and we will read side my side. I love that.
11.
What’s next? Maybe not what book is next – more like what amazing goal is next? How will Sarah Martinez next make it rain?
I am working on my next book, but as a part of that research I am learning all this great stuff that I mentioned before about the men’s movement and male sexuality–not as the silly or brutish thing it is always portrayed as, but as something worth real attention from the female perspective. I have found four men without even trying who are doing amazing sex writing, or honestly talking about sexual issues and I will be doing a series of blog posts where I get to ask them questions about writing and sex. A couple of these guys are really radical so I expect this to be pretty exciting.
There is no question in my mind that this dude is in touch with his feelings.
The thing with this is that I was very heavily focused on my own frustration and that of the women around me when I wrote Sex and Death. Most of the men I was in intimate relationships with that I could have potentially had real discussions with were too hung up on proving their “manhood” and couldn’t talk honestly, and also were just not very articulate.
Did you ask this guy?
Since I have started writing and talking to writers, there is a more open atmosphere and also being older has helped too I think, both in my level of ability to listen and in the people I have been talking to.
A good writer friend and I had a discussion about a year ago and this was the first time that it occurred to me–in a way that made me change my own line of thinking– that men were subjected to their own set of pressures. What he said sounded similar to what I hear some women say about what keeps them from being who they want to be. Satisfying this craving for knowledge and experiencing this connection that had nothing to do with having sex with this man, made me really happy. For once I felt like I had achieved understanding. Something real had happened.
Many times in my life I had felt like discussions with men were mostly a build up to sex or a build up to the eventual let down that would be not having sex or whatever.
What if he’s being legit, Molly Ringwald?
Or the tension that comes with not talking about it. Now I am talking to people about things that are important to people. I hope to be able to share that with others who may be as ignorant as I was.
Thanks Sarah, you have taken us to school!
How could you not click this picture now?!?
Vivianna Post is the family anomaly. Daughter of a Pulitzer Prize winner and an academic, she has never quite fit her parents’ expectations as a free-spirited erotica writer. When Vivianna encounters the award-winning author Jasper Caldwell at a nightclub, all she wants is to blame him for blowing off her brother at a writers’ conference the year before and possibly causing his suicide. But as the night—and then the weeks—wear on, Vivianna finds herself drawn to Jasper in ways she cannot understand. When their differences—literary and sexual—threaten to pull Vivianna and Jasper apart, Jasper rediscovers Alejandro, an old friend who just might have the power to complete them both in every way. Using quotes and references to classic erotic and literary icons, Sex and Death in the American Novel is on one level an unconventional romance and on another a discussion of the merits of erotic literature.
Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat…?
Click for Time Zombie transportation!
Billy Purgatory is a man plagued by questions – about his mother’s disappearance, his love-hate relationship with vampire fatale Anastasia, and why the Time Zombie keeps stealing his girlfriends. The search for answers frequently leads him into danger and the darker corners of the world, corners he would prefer not to see.
In his quest for answers, Billy begins using the Zombie’s powers for his own designs, hurtling into the past in a time-bending attempt to create an ideal present. No one can predict the outcome of such a plan – especially not Billy. This time, his adventures take him high above the African plains, through the sleek, marbled halls of a mysterious mansion brimming with sinister science, and across the U.S. on a heated road trip with none other than Anastasia at his side. Vampires, demons, and an evil cabal known simply as the Satanic Five are all hot on his trail.
Some answers don’t come easily…but that’s never stopped Billy Purgatory.
“So, would Nancy Drew actually be a werewolf? Or just raised by werewolves?”
Fall is uponeth you! (unless you live in maybe New Zealand or Antarctica because I’m not really sure how science works and it might not be the same there because they’re upside down).
Science. Respect, bitches!
As many of you probably don’t know because how could you because I haven’t told anyone and it’s not like I ever Tweet or anything,
I have been furiously putting the final touches on the sequel to Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird (Book 1 in the series, if you’re into counting and the alphabet and that kinda nonsense).
This!
Wait…
No…
This:
From my Science Adviser Dr. Shay West: “But they are…aren’t they??? I’ll need to go down and observe for myself. So you buy the plane ticket and I’ll do the research.”
Writing a sequel has been a long and grueling process and it has proved to be a lot of financial responsibility on my part. My accountant keeps assuring me that we can write the tequila costs off as research but he’s not sure sure about the massages. I really feel like my writing arms have to be limber for me to achieve maximum output. This should also justify the manicure expenses and the tanning bed. I’ve also been on a strict diet of Taco Bell and Zima:
This infographic was created for purely educational purposes.
I have had the love and support of the entire Booktrope family the whole way through this exhausting process.
“Do you still write books?” – Tess Hardwick, Riversong
“It’s just… you’ve been drinking a lot of malt-liquor and I’m really not sure if running scenes using LEGOs and not just making an outline is the most useful way to brainstorm” - Steven Luna, Joe Vampire
They have cleared me to release the tantalizing (which is like a bedazzled-Tarantula if you really think about it) official description for Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five. Please sit down and brace yourself before reading any further. I don’t have any money and can’t be responsible if you fall down or didn’t take your Flintstones Blood-Pressure Gummisaurs yet today:
Billy Purgatory is a man plagued by questions – about his mother’s disappearance, his love-hate relationship with vampire fatale Anastasia, and why the Time Zombie keeps stealing his girlfriends. The search for answers frequently leads him into danger and the darker corners of the world, corners he would prefer not to see.
In his quest for answers, Billy begins using the Zombie’s powers for his own designs, hurtling into the past in a time-bending attempt to create an ideal present. No one can predict the outcome of such a plan – especially not Billy. This time, his adventures take him high above the African plains, through the sleek, marbled halls of a mysterious mansion brimming with sinister science, and across the U.S. on a heated road trip with none other than Anastasia at his side. Vampires, demons, and an evil cabal known simply as the Satanic Five are all hot on his trail.
Some answers don’t come easily…but that’s never stopped Billy Purgatory.
As you can see, that kinda badassary don’t grow on trees. It took Evel Knievel months to plot out that jump over Snake River Canyon, and I’m sure it involved a ton of science and hookers to get everything just right. Well, I can’t be sure about both of those components.
What I can be sure of is that it’s almost Halloween, and very soon Billy Purgatory will skate again!
In the future, after society has collapsed and then we go through a dark age where there’s no cable TV and people have to wash their own cars, there’ll be a great temple built on a mountain or some-such somewhere showcasing knowledge and blah-dee-blah.
But down the street (probably close to the House of Wings & Beer) there’ll be another temple that’ll show off all the great minds that really got humanity back on its feet. The Temple of Badassary! I do not have one doubt in my mind that there’ll be a statue in that joint of Gale Martin. I figure she’ll be rockin’ like one of those lady-togas and a viking helmet.
Gale is throwing a pretty spectacular party all this week that people are calling a “blog-tour” (whatever the hell that means). She just released her new book, Grace Unexpected
I just came for the rave, yo. Anyway, you can win all kinds of book prizes and stuff over at her website and there’ll be all kinda details about that down the page – after your eyes and cortex-stuff in your brain has been massaged by
Gale Martin answers 11 Questions of Badassary!
Cake or death? No, really. Cupcake or cupcake wine…or death?
I much prefer Cupcake wine to a real cupcake though death favorably compares to a cupcake. Shakespeare once said, “Parting is such sweet sorrow” but now that I think about it, Shakespeare was a plagiarist. What you don’t know is that my soul is an ancient one, reincarnated many times over. Will Shakespeare and I were at a plague-on-both-yo house party, and I said, “Death is a cupcake.” The rest is history.
And I much prefer the Avengers Gyneth Paltrow.
Tell us some stuff that’ll blow our minds about your badass book, Don Juan in Hankey, PA?
Well, Don Juan in Hankey, PA constitutes a major karmic whammy for old Will Shakespeare. He wrote a lesser known tragicomic play called Don Juan in Hankey, Pastureleisterfordcestershire ( Pastureleisterfordcestershireis pronounced “PA” in England). Since he stole my cupcake line, I lifted his play, scene for scene, and submitted it to Booktrope as my own story (but don’t tell anyone at Booktrope I told you that, ‘kay?)
I’m no Heidi Klum, but I know House of Style when I see it.
Who was the last person you texted? Was it sexy?
The last person I texted was Addison Rinehart, one of the characters in my NEW book Grace Unexpected, who is a hot young guy (24!), who is interested in fooling around with Grace, but I mean who isn’t interested in fooling around with Grace. (The lines between reality and fiction are blurred to me.) But since Grace is on the Shaker Plan and has sworn off men, I texted Addison with this message: Whoze ur cougar?
You find yourself in a park just outside the city where you are spending the afternoon communing with nature and contemplating the green of the grass and the blue of the sky. You consider that perhaps you have fallen into some strange mirror universe where the squirrels are plotting against mankind and you are the only person who might be able to talk some sense into them before their evil plan unfurls. Would you use diplomacy and talk reason or is it open season on the squirrel cabal?
I was totally expecting this question. I no longer have cabal. I have switched to the Dish Network, so that when they make a movie out of GRACE UNEXPECTED, I will actually be able to watch it and won’t have to ask Ken Shear, Booktrope Publisher, “What is the frequency, Kenneth?”
Gale Martin telling that elf chick she has to fight in the Hunger Games.
What’s the most badass part of being a writer?
The most badass part is rubbing elbows with guys from Texas who unabashedly eat bacon donuts and commingled Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles–perhaps not even for breakfast.
What’s the least badass part?
The least badass part is getting great reviews from book bloggers and from readers on Amazon and Goodreads. I want some stinky reviews, people. Suffering builds character, and I need more character. The blog “Book Evolution” just gave GRACE UNEXPECTED “five out of five huge stars.” How is that kind of review going to help me win the Nobel Peace Prize (which is my dream deferred).
You should read this or someone is gonna write 50 Shades of Snooki.
You are alone in the center of a long hallway – there is a closed door at either end. If you open the door to your left you feel you will step into a room which contains a person you currently know and are comfortable with and you will remain with them for the rest of your days. If you open the door to your right, you will find a person who you do not know and are not sure what the outcome of spending the rest of your days with them will entail. Left, right, or do you never make the choice?
This is a question about “Lady and the Tiger”, isn’t it? That’s easy. The tiger.
Lady Tiger, indeed!
In the dinocapolypse, what will be your dinosaur of choice to ride into battle?
Another easy one. The saber-toothed tiger, the second most common fossil mammal found in the La Brea tar pits.
For the first time ever, I got nothin’.
Tickle our tastebuds with some of the badassary you have planned for upcoming projects? What’re you most excited about?
Like the bounding cow of nursery rhyme fame, I am over the moon about my newest book GRACE UNEXPECTED. I love the relationship between Grace and her assistant Philip Good, aka Goody. They BOTH took the Superhero Dating Quiz and each learned their ideal match is Iron Man. I mean, wouldn’t that be great to date the same superhero as the guy working for you? Grace and Goody also both love zucchini. I think a love for Iron Man and zucchini must be related somehow.
Helium balloons on a string, hot air balloons, or balloon animals? When, how and why?
Definitely hot air balloons. Here’s a scene from Chapter 19 of GRACE UNEXPECTED called “Alas, Poor Latex.”
From the air, Pennsylvania was a patchwork of purples and golds with neat cornfields in the distance, punctuated by white silos. “This is beautiful,” I said. “I’m surprised I feel so relaxed. Sometimes I have a touch of vertigo, but I’m not feeling at all dizzy.” Then I caught a whiff of True’s cologne. I was such a sucker for cologne.
He took a deep breath in, filling his lungs with the morning’s rare air. “It goes where the currents take us.”
At first the roar of the propane jets startled me. But as we floated in the hot air balloon over the vineyard, I was struck with how serenely we sailed along when the jets weren’t burning hot vapor into the balloon. At one point it dipped so close to the ground, I could have plucked leaves off the grape arbor. I gazed at the reflection of the balloon shimmering on the surface of a small pond and felt lucky for the first time in ten years.
Now tie all that in with Christopher Walken and then tie him in with Kevin Bacon.
Is it true you listen to tons of opera when you write or is that just a vicious rumor?
I only listen to opera while writing during my day job. In fact, I have Opera Music Broadcast.com streaming all day long in my office because it helps me concentrate (I have adult ADHD). When I am listening to an opera on the radio during my leisure, like Met Opera Radio, I don’t do anything else besides listen to the opera and Tweet about it (people who are listening to the same broadcasts use hashtags like #AidaMetOpera to find each other.)
I’ll admit it, the whole damn question was designed to lead to this spot.
You are afraid of one thing more than any other thing – and you must ask its permission and make peace with it if you are to achieve that one thing you want most in the world. What and how and why and would you?
I admit it. I am afraid of success, the kind of wanton literary success that gets you a spotlight appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show.” I want to broker peace with Topo Gigio, so he can appear in my stead, and I can keep writing books. It’s very hard to sit down at your writing desk when your head doesn’t fit through the door.
* * *
Gale Martin’s humorous backstage novel Don Juan in Hankey, PA was published by Booktrope Editions in 2011. Grace Unexpected, contemporary women’s fiction also from Booktrope, was published in July of 2012. She has a master of arts in creative writing from Wilkes University. She has worked in higher education marketing for ten years and lives in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, a rich source of inspiration for her writing. Her blog “Scrivengale” can be found on her website.
Click the picture and make it rain!
In addition, there are a limited number of print review copies of Grace Unexpected available and numerous ebooks for early readers on a first-come, first-served basis. Simply email galemartin (dot) writer (at) gmail (dot) com to request one.
Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.
Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer.
Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.
People always ask me, “Jesse James, is it true that you live solely on a diet of Shiner Bock, Fruity Pebbles, and mushrooms that grow in your backyard?” I must admit, that while that diet sounds not only delicious + nutritious that you have to factor in a little more than that to your day to day routine if you’re gonna keep writing books. Writing books ain’t like dusting crops, boy – it takes all your electrolytes firing like it’s Gun Club Day at the Bunny Ranch.
I never expected to go into a career that involved so much mental stamina – I figured that I’d be dry-walling or working mall-security to earn my daily bread. Let’s face it, I look damn good tooling around a mall parking lot in a golf-cart.
I own that shit.
But since being a writer-type was thrust upon me, I had to start shake-and-bakin’ more than my money-maker. I realized that I had to get some serious props happening in the kitchen if I was gonna survive my excruciating routine of:
1) Research (ie watching Fox News on mute while drinking coffee. I’m talking to you, Jenna Lee)
2) Writing (texting Jennifer Gracen and asking her where commas go and what the hell a semi-colon is – and why you can’t just use un-semi-colons all the time? Especially now that I learned how to Tetris those two periods on top of one another)
3) Book Marketing (Tweeting with Steven Luna all day about how vampires are too damned proud to take jobs at Hot Topic, even though they were un-born for a job like that. The mall stays open late and all and seriously – who would you trust more to turn up their nose at you and give a snarly, “I know you are not thinking you’ve got the earlobes to pull off those dangling Ankh hoops, girl.”)
Christi Price and I talk about all the stuff you can slice up with a Ginsu knife too. We might quit book-marketing all together and bring that shit back like a boss!
So yeah, keeping it real means knowing your way around the kitchen!
In honor of this very patriotic holiday we’ve had mid-week this year, I made the executive decision to not spend the day building stuff with LEGOs and then blowing it up with Black Cats.
And instead, Bake a Legit-Damn Ham!
You might be asking yourself, “I wanna bake a Legit-Damn Ham too, why didn’t I think of that?” Well, because there are leaders in the ham game, and there are followers. I’m not gonna point out which of us is which because I don’t want you getting all pissed off and unfollowing my blog or starting some campaign on Twitter like I just said that Bieber doesn’t secretly wanna have your kittens.
Still, gaze upon my wonders and despair!
“What’s the recipe?” See, I’m reading your mind like I’m one of those spoon-bending psychic som’bitches (which I just might be, I haven’t finished listening to all the 18 cassette Unlock Your Mind Power And Go Giza On The World’s Ass series yet).
You will need:
A Ham, or some vegan substitute, which I guess would look a lot like a ham but it’d be made of soybeans and sprouts or something awful.
You will need a means to cook said ham. I like to use a really hot fire – and although I don’t necessarily use the full potential of my equipment (my baking equipment!), you might consider using a blow-torch or maybe a laser in case you need to get the temp up to like 10,000 degrees.
A pineapple. This is pretty self-explanatory. If they don’t have pineapples in the grocery store where you live steal one from a koala bear or some other animal that eats pineapples because we are the top of the food chain and we deserve it more than they do. Snatch it quick though, ’cause they bite and it’s really hard to type this blog post when my fingers are still bleeding.
A can of those fancy cherries. I like to hit one of those ritzy-hotel bars a day or two in advance and keep asking for extra cherries. You can smuggle them out in a cocktail napkin with all the numbers you got because you look sensitive when you’re drinking stuff with cherries in it and you tell women that you’re Bill Gates’ son Larry Balderdash Gates the III’rd. (add the III’rd part on there or the women aren’t gonna buy your story – and don’t tell them you left the jet out in the parking lot because women are way too smart to fall for that).
Put the fire to it and BOOM! #legitDamnHam
You do it right and you’ll have food for a week, can survive whatever plague is gonna kill us now that that Large Hard-On Collider found that piece of glitter or whatever it is they were looking for, and you might get your own TV show and get to hang out with…
Class dismissed!
Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.
Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer.
Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.
Friends (and the nine other people who read this blog), my adventures across the galaxy with the would-be invading Mozrian Saucer Attack Armada have ended. I have been returned to you after achieving enlightenment (not so much in the wearing robes all day and chanting/eating rice sense, but more like the wow I can’t believe I drank that much and hangovers are so much worse in zero-G sense).
Japanese Zen master Sesso warned, “There is little to choose between a man lying in the ditch heavily drunk on rice liquor, and a man heavily drunk on his own ‘enlightenment’!”
The Saucer-People were forced to bring me back, even though there were many badass things I had yet to teach their space-culture, due to an unfortunate incident on Venus (or as they call it, Las Venus) involving an alien showgirl (before you ask, she did kinda look like Gina Gershon) and the Earth/Solar System at Large Annulment Treaty (which was enacted in secret during the Clinton administration).
The one on the left ('cause I've never been THAT drunk)
So, I’m technically banned from space and have to wear an ankle-monitor which starts blinking like a Mean Girl at the cocaine-jewelry store if I happen to get too high (no, not that kind of high – like on a rocket ship high). I’m shrugging off the bad stuff and rolling with the punches, because I guess it was time to return to good old planet Earth. Especially with the vast knowledge of the greater-universe and the nature of philosophy-bullshit and etc that I have now. I’m pretty sure I was sent back to change the world, kind of like when all those rock stars get together and sing when a kid falls down a well.
I don’t want to hit you with all this knowledge all in one blog post. I feel it’s a lot more fair to the people of our planet if I take time to collect all of my thoughts and arrange them into a 27 volume audio cassette collection, that way your brain won’t explode like Scanners and you can listen and learn at your leisure – or however fast you wanna set up the installment plan to send more tapes via your credit card (except you people with Diners – you know, join us in the 90′s why don’t'cha).
So, listen to me if you want to – and I’ll try my best to explain to you alien stuff. Oh, and listen to Charlize Theron too, I don’t know why she’s important, but she is. The aliens refer to her as the High Laser Priestess – they might also be really confused from watching Aeon Flux on a loop (because, it happened to me – but there’s no need to go into my rehab at that place in Malibu story again).
Google needs to up the search potential for 2 Days in the Valley
The saucer’s dropped me off in Orlando, Florida – which is a collection of strip malls and suburban homes all ruled by Mickey Mouse – I felt it was a good and accurate sampling of Americana. While I was there, I took a walk around Disney World to collect my thoughts (and to drink, because that’s how we roll in Epcot):
First I drank in Germany...
...then I had pizza in Italy.
I went Yeti Hunting!
(I'm totally working my vacation photos into this blog post - pretend you don't notice) I don't know what that thing is across the lake, but it's shiny and that's pretty badass.
My doctor told me to add more fruit into my diet - so I drank mojitos.
Then I called Amy Pond...
... ! ...
...then Amy Pond and I had beers. She talked about how cool it was to be famous and I was like, "Yeah, I know."
Then we captured rhinos together!
After a plane ride (ironically, I sat next to an astronaut on the flight – I’m not making that up), I again found myself on my secure forest moon of Endor compound, and as soon as I finish typing this blog post and tagging it with stuff like Charlize Theron is a Laser Princess and Gina Gershon in Viva Las Venus, I will again be hard at work on the sequel to Billy Purgatory (Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, etc etc).
"You are under contract for a sequel + mama needs her cupcakes!"
Speaking of Billy Purgatory, I have noticed that it has been FREE the entire time that I was kidnapped by alien saucer girls – I can only assume that my publisher did this because they felt that I was probably dead/never coming back/in space prison and they wanted to honor my memory. Even though I have lost millionsthousands some dollars because of this – I have decided to let the book remain FREE while I finish up the sequel this week.
I urge you to check it out – again, it’s fuckingFREE and if you don’t get a copy, and tell your friends to get a copy, and take your grandma’s Kindle from her and download a copy onto it for her (just tell her you’re gonna hook her up and “stop the clock from flashing” – that ALWAYS works) you’ll be letting the space-aliens win!
Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy Purgatory dares you to join him.
FREE Kindle, Click and make it rain!
Check out Joe Vampire on Kindle! It's badassary approved.
Greetings brothers and sisters of Planet Earth! The Mozrian Saucer Armada pulled into a club on the not-so outer-ring of Saturn. I thought the rave on Pluto last night would have shut these guys and green girls down – but if there’s anything I can report with any certainty to all of you who are scared that aliens are gonna blow you up – it’s that aliens are way too distracted getting their club on to worry about a full-scale invasion.
There's a reason Space-Aliens abducted Randy Quaid.
It’s seriously like you dropped a Kardashian into a shoe store and told her there was a free E! Channel Wedding Coupon hiding in one of the boxes of Jimmy Choo’s – the party is kicking until someone is stumbling out with a new financee and a fancy pair of strappy heels.
Now's your chance, dude - her Fiiii - Ance left her!
So anyway, club life in the outer cosmos doesn’t look like it’s stoppin’ anytime soon. Meanwhile, while I’m out here trying to get alien girls to notice me – which is a whole set of problems beyond getting regular girls to notice me – back on Earth a lot of people have downloaded their FREE Kindle copy of Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird. People seem to really be into the idea of checking out what Billy Purgatory is all about + they seem to like getting stuff free too – it’s my pleasure to provide both of these things to anyone who wants them.
A writer who I follow on Twitter by the name of Tim Queeney – who wrote some really cool books that I like, George In London & The SHIVA Compression + runs a really funny site called Height of Eye, was nice enough to read Billy Purgatory and write up a review. I guess I’m never really prepared fully for people to like the book enough to write a review, much less say stuff like this:
The first few pages of Billy Purgatory seal the deal. You quickly realize that this is no ordinary skatekid, vampire, monster, devil bird book. Billy Purgatory is a phantasmagorical thrill ride into a world of teenage love, blood dripping undead and one of the most outrageously entertaining birth scenes ever written. More than merely a humorous, stylish foray into the horror genre, however, this book also resonates with themes of love, loss and acceptance of the way that life can hold us back, even break us. The last thing you might expect about so entertaining and imaginative a book like this is how touching and ultimately true it is. If there is something about Billy Purgatory that might not work for some readers, it might be the book’s episodic/dreamlike structure that doesn’t move like a standard linear plot. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from grabbing a copy of Billy and going for a wild ride!
The fact he’s a fellow author who I respect and am a fan of just makes it all better.
Billy Purgatory is still bouncing around the Top Ten on Kindle’s Contemporary Fantasy list (#6 last time I checked) and it’s still FREE and I’d love for you to get yourself a copy and I’d love even more to hear what you think about it. When I get back to Earth, I’m probably gonna charge money for it (if I’m not too hung over from all these future drinks to remember to change the price).
Click for Time Zombie Transportation!
Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy dares you to join him.
Other Earth-Badassary News that I heard about today (via Space-Twitter)…
Check out this smoking hot cover – it’s sweeter than space-love!
Patricia Tallman, from Babylon 5 gave him an even sweeter cover blurb: “GREAT RIDE! Loved reading it. Couldn’t put it down!”
Classy hot space lady! Patricia Tallman, you're doing it right *sigh*
The Prodigal's Foole is FREE for a limited time for you to grab up too! Click!
A man can run from his past … but not his future.
Symon Bryson lives in self-imposed exile until Monsignor DuBarry goes missing and not even the most adept of the magic practitioners can determine the reason for the abduction. The clues lie buried in the past amidst epic battles and horrific losses but reliving that failed mission uncovers fresh challenges and fearsome threats that reunite his old team.
Symon must deal with his own hidden demons and confront the menace that threatens the delicate balance of power. When the darkest of all evils lures Symon into springing a long-planned trap, an unsuspecting world will confront the unthinkable.
When all that stands between Heaven and Hell is magic, more than faith will be tested.
Check out Tim Queeney too!
Click on George!
“George in London is funny and a touch irreverent, a fun voyage which, if it didn’t happen, we should wish it did. Tim Queeney captures the spirit of the young Washington and surrounds him with a cast of compelling characters, foremost among them the indomitable Darius Attucks. And if the personal history is made up, the social history is spot on. The customs, speech and eighteenth century settings are rendered with well-researched accuracy. For readers who might like their history leavened with humor, this book is for you.”
-James L. Nelson, author of the books, “George Washington’s Secret Navy: How the American Revolution Went to Sea” (McGraw Hill); “George Washington’s Great Gamble: And the Sea Battle That Won the American Revolution” (Ragged Mountain Press) and “With Fire and Sword: The Battle of Bunker Hill and the Beginning of the American Revolution” (Thomas Dunne Books).
Click the Missile!
The ultimate doomsday weapon: The top secret SHIVA Compression virus can automatically launch all U.S. nuclear missiles. Once released onto the nation’s communications networks, SHIVA cannot be turned off.
Air Force Lieutenant Perry Helion stumbles across a twisted cult that seeks to use SHIVA to produce an orgy of destruction. Perry and his team have only a few days to somehow stop the SHIVA virus from burrowing into the launch computers at every Minuteman missile base and sending the nuclear warheads arcing skyward to an all-consuming firestorm.
I can’t figure out what all these abduct’ee folks keep going on and on about – it’s a mystery to me. Being held captive on the Mozrian Attack Saucer has been the best party I’ve been to since Charlie Sheen and I got kicked out of The Mansion. Last night, or however that works in outer space, we went to a rave on the planet Pluto (and yeah, snobby astronomers, Pluto is a planet – and the Pluto’y'ans are straight pissed about that still). Armin van Buuren was spinnin’, it’s called A State of Pluto up there – and FYI if a green lady ever offers you any little star-shaped pills TAKE THEM (they’re cool *wink wink*).
Dancing on top of a speaker stack while a million aliens chant, “Cupcakes, bitch!” – it just doesn’t get any more intergalactic than that. I’m pretty sure I’m not coming back at this point – I’m worshiped in outer space – a lot like Oprah is.
"You owe me Billy Purgatory 2! You have a contract and we'll extradite your ass!"
I feel a lot like that guy, that made that mountain out of mashed potatoes because he thought he saw E.T. – and they hadn’t invented Reese’s Pieces yet. They took that guy into space too, which is weird because as far as I’ve seen there aren’t any sharks in space – so I don’t know what good he’d have done any outer-space people. Maybe he wrote another Opus like he did in Amsterdam?
"The Aliens should'a abducted that Quint guy - he's a badass!"
Dammit, ya know – those pills that alien gave me tasted just like peanut butter – guess I’m just naturally high on my own space-badassary + never trust a green chick!
"Billy Purgatory is #3 on Kindle Contemporary Fantasy cause flying through hyperspace ain't like dustin' crops, boy!"
Meanwhile, Space-Twitter (which is way cooler than Earth-Twitter because it’s all holograms and they say stuff like, “Help me Jesse James, you’re my only hope!”, which is pretty awesome to hear finally – anyway – I have been alerted that Billy Purgatory is still FREE on Earth Kindle (on Space Kindle it’s 27 Million Galactic Credits)! So, anyone on Earth has been put on notice – you better get it free while I’m raving on Pluto and green-chicks are distracting me with Reese’s Pieces (and well, other stuff about them is distracting, but you know Don’t hate the space-player hate the Game!)…
Plus, I heard Tupac came back to life – which is completely badass!
Click to fly your ass into space! (okay, it just takes you to Amazon and you can get Billy Purgatory for FREE on Kindle!)
I’m still trapped aboard a flying saucer, but that doesn’t mean totally fun and inventive blog contests have to stop! Book marketing waits for no Alien Invasion Force!
Please choose the picture below which best illustrates the concept of Beautiful Maidens:
(A)
(B)
(C)
(The answer is B, but we’d had to have taken A on the technicality that’s a picture of Cinderella – which creates a whole Disney Princesses sort of paradox)
Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.
Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixing cars and even going to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…
*Editor’s Note* We’d have also accepted this write-in:
People of Earthlings and Texas! I don’t know how long I will be able to transmit – as I am still abducted’ficated aboard the Mozrian-something Supreme Command Saucer-Place. I know that many of you are probably worried about me up here, but you must stay the course down on the surface of Cleveland or wherever the hell you are receiving this message. Ladies, please don’t cry – I would like to report that I am still in fine health and that contrary to what those UFO kooks used to tell Art Bell all the time, not all alien saucer people get down with the probe. I am told that probing only happens with a special subset of Alien Yetis who are into ball-gags and peyote – taking their captives temperatures/looking for love in ALL the wrong places.
#deviantYETIS, has Art Bell always known this truth?
I am not sure what the general evil plan of the invading Mozrian Saucer Army is, but I can tell you that you are probably in little danger right now as I was carrying my lucky deck of playing cards and I currently have the command bridge distracted and engaged in a drunken card game I learned in college called A**hole! They seemed suspicious at first, and that’s how I learned that they’re not the proby-Yeti aliens, but I assured them that the name was just a strange coincidence. Their liquor sucks by the way – it’s nothing but future-drinks like something that Shay Fabbro might mix up when she’s on a Star Trek watching marathon. Not only does it look like anti-freeze, but it tastes like it too – and no matter how many three-nippled space olives you drop into the stuff it never gets the right kinda dirty.
"Yes, Dr. Fab, drinks are very colorful in spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!"
As far as I can tell from the view-screen, I am currently over Washington State. Aliens like to buzz stuff in their saucers, and it’s been the Space Needle all day. I got to wave at Ken Shear and KSears – I’m pretty sure that I saw Tess Hardwick walking Patches. It’s kind of amazing how all those flannel shirts on the ground kinda blend together from way up here. It made me homesick, and wonder if I’d have made a good lumberjack. They’re still arguing from the rec-room while they play cards and yell out hazh’zen’phoocter (which is Mozrian for A**hole – I think?) about whether they’re going to point the saucer at Rio and buzz that big statue of Holy-J next or if it’s off to incinerate the Hollywood Sign.
These guys are all about paradoxes.
Please let our leaders know that the entire Mozrian ground command force is made up of really hot alien women who shouldn’t be underestimated. They all wear ear-buds and blast Alanis Morisette songs on their space iPods + they’re all reading Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales by Marni Mann. They keep licking their cosmos-Kindle viewscreens and chanting “Heroin and Lobster” – so they’re pretty keyed up.
"We will mate with your human heroin and your lobsters!"
Oh, and tell Luna that space-vampires really have it worse than Joe Vampire does. The navigator guy is one and they make fun of how much he sparkles. Tell Luna that if he wants to use it, the space word for vampires is sparkalulapluss.
I’m not sure if the room I’m typing this message from is a flying saucer chapel or a liquor storage depot – regardless, there’s a framed poster of Tracey Hansen on the wall. The Mozrian’s might worship her, or the general legend of just how much liquor she can consume in a sitting has made it to the other side of the galaxy and back. Really when you think about it though, isn’t that what religion is all about?
"We will know new gods on your Earth!"
I think I hear them coming down the hallway, the MacGuyver Swiss Army knife and this flask of opium isn’t gonna last for much longer. Time to get John McClane on these aliens and come up with a plan. If any of you wanna help me on the ground, please put a sixer of IMPORTED beer (not the domestic shit, I’m trying to save your ass from aliens here, help me live it up a little) in your backyard – I think I’ve figured out how their tractor-beams work and I’ll reverse-Santa the beer as we’re flying over your house.
"Any of this'll work! OurMy survival depends on it!"
Be strong human-American people – these aliens picked the wrong Texan to tap-dance with – I’m about to go Black Swan on their asses.
Billy Purgatory is LEGIT 100% pure Rock-God Love FREE on KINDLE
Click for Amazon to get Billy Purgatory FREE, before I escape from the aliens!
Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.
Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixing cars and even going to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…
Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.
