Cook Like A Badass!

People always ask me, “Jesse James, is it true that you live solely on a diet of Shiner Bock, Fruity Pebbles, and mushrooms that grow in your backyard?”  I must admit, that while that diet sounds not only delicious + nutritious that you have to factor in a little more than that to your day to day routine if you’re gonna keep writing books.  Writing books ain’t like dusting crops, boy – it takes all your electrolytes firing like it’s Gun Club Day at the Bunny Ranch.

I never expected to go into a career that involved so much mental stamina – I figured that I’d be dry-walling or working mall-security to earn my daily bread.  Let’s face it, I look damn good tooling around a mall parking lot in a golf-cart.

I own that shit.

But since being a writer-type was thrust upon me, I had to start shake-and-bakin’ more than my money-maker.  I realized that I had to get some serious props happening in the kitchen if I was gonna survive my excruciating routine of:

1) Research (ie watching Fox News on mute while drinking coffee.  I’m talking to you, Jenna Lee)

2) Writing (texting Jennifer Gracen and asking her where commas go and what the hell a semi-colon is – and why you can’t just use un-semi-colons all the time?  Especially now that I learned how to Tetris those two periods on top of one another)

3) Book Marketing (Tweeting with Steven Luna all day about how vampires are too damned proud to take jobs at Hot Topic, even though they were un-born for a job like that.  The mall stays open late and all and seriously – who would you trust more to turn up their nose at you and give a snarly, “I know you are not thinking you’ve got the earlobes to pull off those dangling Ankh hoops, girl.”)

Christi Price and I talk about all the stuff you can slice up with a Ginsu knife too.  We might quit book-marketing all together and bring that shit back like a boss!

So yeah, keeping it real means knowing your way around the kitchen!

In honor of this very patriotic holiday we’ve had mid-week this year, I made the executive decision to not spend the day building stuff with LEGOs and then blowing it up with Black Cats.

And instead, Bake a Legit-Damn Ham!

You might be asking yourself, “I wanna bake a Legit-Damn Ham too, why didn’t I think of that?”  Well, because there are leaders in the ham game, and there are followers.  I’m not gonna point out which of us is which because I don’t want you getting all pissed off and unfollowing my blog or starting some campaign on Twitter like I just said that Bieber doesn’t secretly wanna have your kittens.

Still, gaze upon my wonders and despair!

“What’s the recipe?”  See, I’m reading your mind like I’m one of those spoon-bending psychic som’bitches (which I just might be, I haven’t finished listening to all the 18 cassette Unlock Your Mind Power And Go Giza On The World’s Ass series yet).

You will need:

A Ham, or some vegan substitute, which I guess would look a lot like a ham but it’d be made of soybeans and sprouts or something awful.

You will need a means to cook said ham.  I like to use a really hot fire – and although I don’t necessarily use the full potential of my equipment (my baking equipment!), you might consider using a blow-torch or maybe a laser in case you need to get the temp up to like 10,000 degrees.

A pineapple.  This is pretty self-explanatory.  If they don’t have pineapples in the grocery store where you live steal one from a koala bear or some other animal that eats pineapples because we are the top of the food chain and we deserve it more than they do.  Snatch it quick though, ’cause they bite and it’s really hard to type this blog post when my fingers are still bleeding.

A can of those fancy cherries.  I like to hit one of those ritzy-hotel bars a day or two in advance and keep asking for extra cherries.  You can smuggle them out in a cocktail napkin with all the numbers you got because you look sensitive when you’re drinking stuff with cherries in it and you tell women that you’re Bill Gates’ son Larry Balderdash Gates the III’rd.  (add the III’rd part on there or the women aren’t gonna buy your story – and don’t tell them you left the jet out in the parking lot because women are way too smart to fall for that).

Put the fire to it and BOOM! #legitDamnHam

You do it right and you’ll have food for a week, can survive whatever plague is gonna kill us now that that Large Hard-On Collider found that piece of glitter or whatever it is they were looking for, and you might get your own TV show and get to hang out with…

Class dismissed!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James recently contributed 4 essays to the book Write for the Fight: A Collection of Seasonal Essays, co-authored by Tess Hardwick (Riversong) and Tracey Hansen. All author proceeds will be donated to charities engaged in the fight against breast cancer. 

Jesse James is currently working on Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, MythCop, Vehemently Jones, Blood-Love, R. Cane, and Witches vs Robots.

Time Zombie says CLICK the picture!

Billy Purgatory Travels the World (kind of…

There is almost nothing that is absolute in this world we live in.  Yetis are snorting bath salts, Aliens are abducting Kardashians, The Real World is still on the air … sometimes it seems like the whole world has gone brick-shithouse-crazy.  There is one thing that I can rely on though, and will always be able to rely on no matter what they’re reporting on TMZ – I have the most amazing friends in the world.

This is not an over-speculation on my part, it’s a fact.  Sometimes it doesn’t take much to hammer the point home, that people believe in you and they were thinking about you.  That they took the time to do something kinda silly, but amazingly cool all the same.

My friends Justin & Laurel Matthews just went on vacation to sunny Orlando, and they took Billy Purgatory with them and brought back photographic evidence to prove it.  It’s not that they took the pictures – it’s that they had the idea that’s so damn cool.  They took time out of their lives to do it.

Your friends are thinking about you, and they have your back.  If you ever lose sight of that, they’ll show you in the weirdest ways.  Take comfort in your friends, everybody.  They’re special and you’re special to them.  They laugh at your dumb jokes (most times, they’re the only ones that get them), they’ll embarrass you by having the waiters make you stand on chairs at restaurants while the waiters sing Happy Birthday to you, they’ll kill zombies with you when the shit goes down.

Isn’t that what it’s all about?

(I robbed these out of Laurel’s FB album “Where has your Billy been?” with permission)

“The white man’s gods will not let him die.”

Solving crime!

On a Yeti Hunt!

Billy Purgatory ain’t afraid of no ghosts!

Relaxing on an exotic Florida beach!

Jungle Book!

“Mom?”

Chillaxin’ at Animal Kingdom!

Sherlock Holmes left that there!

Justin Matthews pays homage to a legend at Disney Hollywood Studios!

Laurel Matthews made the Hollywood Tower of Terror her bitch!

Thanks Justin & Laurel – you’re both completely badass!

Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

I am the Interstellar-Bodhisattva + Billy Purgatory still FREE

Friends (and the nine other people who read this blog), my adventures across the galaxy with the would-be invading Mozrian Saucer Attack Armada have ended.  I have been returned to you after achieving enlightenment (not so much in the wearing robes all day and chanting/eating rice sense, but more like the wow I can’t believe I drank that much and hangovers are so much worse in zero-G sense).

Japanese Zen master Sesso warned, “There is little to choose between a man lying in the ditch heavily drunk on rice liquor, and a man heavily drunk on his own ‘enlightenment’!”

The Saucer-People were forced to bring me back, even though there were many badass things I had yet to teach their space-culture, due to an unfortunate incident on Venus (or as they call it, Las Venus) involving an alien showgirl (before you ask, she did kinda look like Gina Gershon) and the Earth/Solar System at Large Annulment Treaty (which was enacted in secret during the Clinton administration).

The one on the left ('cause I've never been THAT drunk)

So, I’m technically banned from space and have to wear an ankle-monitor which starts blinking like a Mean Girl at the cocaine-jewelry store if I happen to get too high (no, not that kind of high – like on a rocket ship high).  I’m shrugging off the bad stuff and rolling with the punches, because I guess it was time to return to good old planet Earth.  Especially with the vast knowledge of the greater-universe and the nature of philosophy-bullshit and etc that I have now.  I’m pretty sure I was sent back to change the world, kind of like when all those rock stars get together and sing when a kid falls down a well.

 

I don’t want to hit you with all this knowledge all in one blog post.  I feel it’s a lot more fair to the people of our planet if I take time to collect all of my thoughts and arrange them into a 27 volume audio cassette collection, that way your brain won’t explode like Scanners and you can listen and learn at your leisure – or however fast you wanna set up the installment plan to send more tapes via your credit card (except you people with Diners – you know, join us in the 90′s why don’t'cha).

So, listen to me if you want to – and I’ll try my best to explain to you alien stuff.  Oh, and listen to Charlize Theron too, I don’t know why she’s important, but she is.  The aliens refer to her as the High Laser Priestess – they might also be really confused from watching Aeon Flux on a loop (because, it happened to me – but there’s no need to go into my rehab at that place in Malibu story again).

Google needs to up the search potential for 2 Days in the Valley

The saucer’s dropped me off in Orlando, Florida – which is a collection of strip malls and suburban homes all ruled by Mickey Mouse – I felt it was a good and accurate sampling of Americana.  While I was there, I took a walk around Disney World to collect my thoughts (and to drink, because that’s how we roll in Epcot):

First I drank in Germany...

...then I had pizza in Italy.

I went Yeti Hunting!

(I'm totally working my vacation photos into this blog post - pretend you don't notice) I don't know what that thing is across the lake, but it's shiny and that's pretty badass.

My doctor told me to add more fruit into my diet - so I drank mojitos.

Then I called Amy Pond...

... ! ...

...then Amy Pond and I had beers. She talked about how cool it was to be famous and I was like, "Yeah, I know."

Then we captured rhinos together!

After a plane ride (ironically, I sat next to an astronaut on the flight – I’m not making that up),  I again found myself on my secure forest moon of Endor compound, and as soon as I finish typing this blog post and tagging it with stuff like Charlize Theron is a Laser Princess and Gina Gershon in Viva Las Venus, I will again be hard at work on the sequel to Billy Purgatory (Billy Purgatory and the Curse of the Satanic Five, etc etc).

"You are under contract for a sequel + mama needs her cupcakes!"

Speaking of Billy Purgatory, I have noticed that it has been FREE the entire time that I was kidnapped by alien saucer girls – I can only assume that my publisher did this because they felt that I was probably dead/never coming back/in space prison and they wanted to honor my memory.  Even though I have lost millions thousands some dollars because of this – I have decided to let the book remain FREE while I finish up the sequel this week.

I urge you to check it out – again, it’s fucking FREE and if you don’t get a copy, and tell your friends to get a copy, and take your grandma’s Kindle from her and download a copy onto it for her (just tell her you’re gonna hook her up and “stop the clock from flashing” – that ALWAYS works) you’ll be letting the space-aliens win!

Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy Purgatory dares you to join him.

FREE Kindle, Click and make it rain!

Check out Joe Vampire on Kindle! It's badassary approved.

Sequel!

Still Alien Abducted + Writers I Admire + Billy Purgatory FREE on Kindle

Greetings brothers and sisters of Planet Earth!  The Mozrian Saucer Armada pulled into a club on the not-so outer-ring of Saturn.  I thought the rave on Pluto last night would have shut these guys and green girls down – but if there’s anything I can report with any certainty to all of you who are scared that aliens are gonna blow you up – it’s that aliens are way too distracted getting their club on to worry about a full-scale invasion.

There's a reason Space-Aliens abducted Randy Quaid.

It’s seriously like you dropped a Kardashian into a shoe store and told her there was a free E! Channel Wedding Coupon hiding in one of the boxes of Jimmy Choo’s – the party is kicking until someone is stumbling out with a new financee and a fancy pair of strappy heels.

Now's your chance, dude - her Fiiii - Ance left her!

So anyway, club life in the outer cosmos doesn’t look like it’s stoppin’ anytime soon.  Meanwhile, while I’m out here trying to get alien girls to notice me – which is a whole set of problems beyond getting regular girls to notice me – back on Earth a lot of people have downloaded their FREE Kindle copy of Billy Purgatory: I am the Devil Bird.  People seem to really be into the idea of checking out what Billy Purgatory is all about + they seem to like getting stuff free too – it’s my pleasure to provide both of these things to anyone who wants them.

Billy Purgatory cover art by the amazing Thomas Boatwright!

A writer who I follow on Twitter by the name of Tim Queeney – who wrote some really cool books that I like, George In London & The SHIVA Compression + runs a really funny site called Height of Eye, was nice enough to read Billy Purgatory and write up a review.  I guess I’m never really prepared fully for people to like the book enough to write a review, much less say stuff like this:

The first few pages of Billy Purgatory seal the deal. You quickly realize that this is no ordinary skatekid, vampire, monster, devil bird book. Billy Purgatory is a phantasmagorical thrill ride into a world of teenage love, blood dripping undead and one of the most outrageously entertaining birth scenes ever written. More than merely a humorous, stylish foray into the horror genre, however, this book also resonates with themes of love, loss and acceptance of the way that life can hold us back, even break us. The last thing you might expect about so entertaining and imaginative a book like this is how touching and ultimately true it is. If there is something about Billy Purgatory that might not work for some readers, it might be the book’s episodic/dreamlike structure that doesn’t move like a standard linear plot. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from grabbing a copy of Billy and going for a wild ride!

The fact he’s a fellow author who I respect and am a fan of just makes it all better.

Billy Purgatory is still bouncing around the Top Ten on Kindle’s Contemporary Fantasy list (#6 last time I checked) and it’s still FREE and I’d love for you to get yourself a copy and I’d love even more to hear what you think about it.  When I get back to Earth, I’m probably gonna charge money for it (if I’m not too hung over from all these future drinks to remember to change the price).

Click for Time Zombie Transportation!

Author Jesse James Freeman delivers a comic book for the ages in novel form with this wild, tongue-in-cheek, imaginative creation that will suspend your disbelief. Jump in if you’re looking to immerse yourself in a unique and original fantasy tale with a sick twist….Billy dares you to join him.

Other Earth-Badassary News that I heard about today (via Space-Twitter)…

Author R.B. Wood has re-launched his outstanding novel The Prodigal’s Foole today!

Check out this smoking hot cover – it’s sweeter than space-love!

Patricia Tallman, from Babylon 5 gave him an even sweeter cover blurb:  “GREAT RIDE! Loved reading it.  Couldn’t put it down!”

Classy hot space lady! Patricia Tallman, you're doing it right *sigh*

The Prodigal's Foole is FREE for a limited time for you to grab up too! Click!

A man can run from his past … but not his future.

Symon Bryson lives in self-imposed exile until Monsignor DuBarry goes missing and not even the most adept of the magic practitioners can determine the reason for the abduction. The clues lie buried in the past amidst epic battles and horrific losses but reliving that failed mission uncovers fresh challenges and fearsome threats that reunite his old team.

Symon must deal with his own hidden demons and confront the menace that threatens the delicate balance of power. When the darkest of all evils lures Symon into springing a long-planned trap, an unsuspecting world will confront the unthinkable.

When all that stands between Heaven and Hell is magic, more than faith will be tested.

Check out Tim Queeney too!

Click on George!

“George in London is funny and a touch irreverent, a fun voyage which, if it didn’t happen, we should wish it did. Tim Queeney captures the spirit of the young Washington and surrounds him with a cast of compelling characters, foremost among them the indomitable Darius Attucks. And if the personal history is made up, the social history is spot on. The customs, speech and eighteenth century settings are rendered with well-researched accuracy. For readers who might like their history leavened with humor, this book is for you.”

-James L. Nelson, author of the books, “George Washington’s Secret Navy: How the American Revolution Went to Sea” (McGraw Hill); “George Washington’s Great Gamble: And the Sea Battle That Won the American Revolution” (Ragged Mountain Press) and “With Fire and Sword: The Battle of Bunker Hill and the Beginning of the American Revolution” (Thomas Dunne Books).

Click the Missile!

The ultimate doomsday weapon: The top secret SHIVA Compression virus can automatically launch all U.S. nuclear missiles. Once released onto the nation’s communications networks, SHIVA cannot be turned off.

Air Force Lieutenant Perry Helion stumbles across a twisted cult that seeks to use SHIVA to produce an orgy of destruction. Perry and his team have only a few days to somehow stop the SHIVA virus from burrowing into the launch computers at every Minuteman missile base and sending the nuclear warheads arcing skyward to an all-consuming firestorm.

Rave on Pluto + Saucer Report + Billy Purgatory FREE on Kindle

I can’t figure out what all these abduct’ee folks keep going on and on about – it’s a mystery to me.  Being held captive on the Mozrian Attack Saucer has been the best party I’ve been to since Charlie Sheen and I got kicked out of The Mansion.  Last night, or however that works in outer space, we went to a rave on the planet Pluto (and yeah, snobby astronomers, Pluto is a planet – and the Pluto’y'ans are straight pissed about that still).  Armin van Buuren was spinnin’, it’s called A State of Pluto up there – and FYI if a green lady ever offers you any little star-shaped pills TAKE THEM (they’re cool *wink wink*).

Dancing on top of a speaker stack while a million aliens chant, “Cupcakes, bitch!” – it just doesn’t get any more intergalactic than that.  I’m pretty sure I’m not coming back at this point – I’m worshiped in outer space – a lot like Oprah is.

"You owe me Billy Purgatory 2! You have a contract and we'll extradite your ass!"

I feel a lot like that guy, that made that mountain out of mashed potatoes because he thought he saw E.T. – and they hadn’t invented Reese’s Pieces yet.  They took that guy into space too, which is weird because as far as I’ve seen there aren’t any sharks in space – so I don’t know what good he’d have done any outer-space people.  Maybe he wrote another Opus like he did in Amsterdam?

"The Aliens should'a abducted that Quint guy - he's a badass!"

Dammit, ya know – those pills that alien gave me tasted just like peanut butter – guess I’m just naturally high on my own space-badassary + never trust a green chick!

"Billy Purgatory is #3 on Kindle Contemporary Fantasy cause flying through hyperspace ain't like dustin' crops, boy!"

Meanwhile, Space-Twitter (which is way cooler than Earth-Twitter because it’s all holograms and they say stuff like, “Help me Jesse James, you’re my only hope!”, which is pretty awesome to hear finally – anyway – I have been alerted that Billy Purgatory is still FREE on Earth Kindle (on Space Kindle it’s 27 Million Galactic Credits)!  So, anyone on Earth has been put on notice – you better get it free while I’m raving on Pluto and green-chicks are distracting me with Reese’s Pieces (and well, other stuff about them is distracting, but you know Don’t hate the space-player hate the Game!)…

Plus, I heard Tupac came back to life – which is completely badass!

Click to fly your ass into space! (okay, it just takes you to Amazon and you can get Billy Purgatory for FREE on Kindle!)

 

Beautiful Maidens Contest + Billy Purgatory FREE on Kindle

I’m still trapped aboard a flying saucer, but that doesn’t mean totally fun and inventive blog contests have to stop!  Book marketing waits for no Alien Invasion Force!

Please choose the picture below which best illustrates the concept of Beautiful Maidens:

(A)

(B)

(C)

(The answer is B, but we’d had to have taken A on the technicality that’s a picture of Cinderella – which creates a whole Disney Princesses sort of paradox)

Claim Your Prize!

Billy Purgatory is still FREE on KINDLE!

Click for the Amazon Ranked Best Seller!

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixing cars and even going to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

*Editor’s Note* We’d have also accepted this write-in:

Jesse James with a live report from aboard the alien saucer + Billy Purgatory is STILL FREE on Kindle!

People of Earthlings and Texas!  I don’t know how long I will be able to transmit – as I am still abducted’ficated aboard the Mozrian-something Supreme Command Saucer-Place.  I know that many of you are probably worried about me up here, but you must stay the course down on the surface of Cleveland or wherever the hell you are receiving this message.  Ladies, please don’t cry – I would like to report that I am still in fine health and that contrary to what those UFO kooks used to tell Art Bell all the time, not all alien saucer people get down with the probe.  I am told that probing only happens with a special subset of Alien Yetis who are into ball-gags and peyote – taking their captives temperatures/looking for love in ALL the wrong places.

#deviantYETIS, has Art Bell always known this truth?

I am not sure what the general evil plan of the invading Mozrian Saucer Army is, but I can tell you that you are probably in little danger right now as I was carrying my lucky deck of playing cards and I currently have the command bridge distracted and engaged in a drunken card game I learned in college called A**hole!  They seemed suspicious at first, and that’s how I learned that they’re not the proby-Yeti aliens, but I assured them that the name was just a strange coincidence.  Their liquor sucks by the way – it’s nothing but future-drinks like something that Shay Fabbro might mix up when she’s on a Star Trek watching marathon.  Not only does it look like anti-freeze, but it tastes like it too – and no matter how many three-nippled space olives you drop into the stuff it never gets the right kinda dirty.

"Yes, Dr. Fab, drinks are very colorful in spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!"

As far as I can tell from the view-screen, I am currently over Washington State.  Aliens like to buzz stuff in their saucers, and it’s been the Space Needle all day.  I got to wave at Ken Shear and KSears – I’m pretty sure that I saw Tess Hardwick walking Patches.  It’s kind of amazing how all those flannel shirts on the ground kinda blend together from way up here. It made me homesick, and wonder if I’d have made a good lumberjack.  They’re still arguing from the rec-room while they play cards and yell out hazh’zen’phoocter (which is Mozrian for A**hole – I think?) about whether they’re going to point the saucer at Rio and buzz that big statue of Holy-J next or if it’s off to incinerate the Hollywood Sign.

These guys are all about paradoxes.

Please let our leaders know that the entire Mozrian ground command force is made up of really hot alien women who shouldn’t be underestimated.  They all wear ear-buds and blast Alanis Morisette songs on their space iPods + they’re all reading Memoirs Aren’t Fairytales by Marni Mann.  They keep licking their cosmos-Kindle viewscreens and chanting “Heroin and Lobster” – so they’re pretty keyed up.

"We will mate with your human heroin and your lobsters!"

Oh, and tell Luna that space-vampires really have it worse than Joe Vampire does.  The navigator guy is one and they make fun of how much he sparkles.  Tell Luna that if he wants to use it, the space word for vampires is sparkalulapluss.

I’m not sure if the room I’m typing this message from is a flying saucer chapel or a liquor storage depot – regardless, there’s a framed poster of Tracey Hansen on the wall.  The Mozrian’s might worship her, or the general legend of just how much liquor she can consume in a sitting has made it to the other side of the galaxy and back.  Really when you think about it though, isn’t that what religion is all about?

"We will know new gods on your Earth!"

I think I hear them coming down the hallway, the MacGuyver Swiss Army knife and this flask of opium isn’t gonna last for much longer.  Time to get John McClane on these aliens and come up with a plan.  If any of you wanna help me on the ground, please put a sixer of IMPORTED beer (not the domestic shit, I’m trying to save your ass from aliens here, help me live it up a little) in your backyard – I think I’ve figured out how their tractor-beams work and I’ll reverse-Santa the beer as we’re flying over your house.

"Any of this'll work! Our My survival depends on it!"

Be strong human-American people – these aliens picked the wrong Texan to tap-dance with – I’m about to go Black Swan on their asses.

Billy Purgatory is LEGIT 100% pure Rock-God Love FREE on KINDLE

Click for Amazon to get Billy Purgatory FREE, before I escape from the aliens!

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixing cars and even going to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Jesse James abducted by space aliens! Billy Purgatory Free on Kindle!

People of Earth!

There is no need to adjust your primitive blogs or your “EYE”devices. I am Kr’kos’rathos, Supreme Commander of the Mozrian Empire’s Flying Saucer Armada!

"We roll like this..."

"...and space chicks who look like this dig our style!"

I know, you are but an Earthling and you most likely find that not only impressive, but HORRIFYING! “No, Kr’kos! This can’t be true. The Mayans said we had until December.” The Mayans were liars, but we do not find it surprising that you believed them. We have been monitoring your simple-minded Earth-Entertainment transmissions for many years…

"Blair or Tootie? It is debated across the cosmos!"

Our spies have abducted the human you call Jesse James Freeman (yes, the drunk one), and while he is prisoner aboard our saucer we have used our superior intellects and technology to manipulate the price of his Kindle book, reducing it – as we will one day reduce the galaxy – TO FREE! Yes, zero galactic-credits. Cheaper than a Xanxarian Flash-Dancer with an engorged tusk!

Click for your FREE copy of Billy Purgatory!

The first of our demands is that you click on this link and download your copy FREE! Other demands are much more complicated and MUCH more nefarious! Just to give you a heads up, if I were you I would begin re-assembling the cast of Silver Spoons (give Ricky Schroder ANYTHING he demands!)!!!

"You have been warned! Do not deny the Schroder!"

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

"Cupcakes, bitch!"

Billy Purgatory Music, Disturbing The Grave, Joe Vampire, Write for the Fight!

I wrote a book and I thought: Okay, I wrote a book – uh…  Time to write another book???  I also thought, wouldn’t it be cool if they still made S&H Green Stamps – and I could trade them in for vodka…

I didn’t really anticipate people saying such nice things about it (come on Bitter Bad Review, I know you’re out there waiting in righteous judgement!).  I really didn’t expect anyone to make Billy Purgatory songs?

Well, Michael Pallante made some music:

There is also an 80′s re-mix!

Steven Luna aka Joe Vampire made some music too:

Plus, if you want to hear my Texas voice telling Minmay to Shut the Fuck UP + sing Champagne Supernova:

I would like to thank Michael Pallante (who was nice enough to send me an advance copy of his upcoming album, which owns!) and Steven Luna the author of the fantastic Joe Vampire (my love for which is well documented all over Twitter) for taking the time out of their busy schedules and digging Billy Purgatory enough to put all the time and effort into this madness. I sincerely appreciate it.

Michael Pallante also has a book:

Dig it up at Amazon!

Jake Wilkin’s father had kept the old house a secret from his family. When he inherited the house from his father, Jake received more than a property- he became the keeper of a dark family secret. 

Jake’s solo trip to the Appalachian Mountains to visit the estate disturbs something dark in the house. Jake pours through the house’s decaying library of arcane books, hunting for the reasons his father kept the house a secret.

However, a dreamlike romance with a young woman who comes and goes with the moon pulls him ever deeper into a world of insects, insanity and witchcraft.

Steven Luna has a book:

Scrub the sparkles off your fangs @ Amazon!

Hey, folks. I’m Joe, and I’m a vampire – not by choice, mind you, but by accident…a fate-twisting, fang-creating, blood lust-inducing misunderstanding. It started with a group date, a case of mistaken identity and far too many sake bombers, and ended with a ridiculous set of circumstances that I just can’t seem to wrap my head around. 

Maybe you can tell: I’m not real happy about it. 

But I’m certainly not going to let it get in the way of my life.

So I’ve thrown my ranting into a blog. I’m hanging out my dirty laundry in an effort to explain the real deal about being a card-carrying member of the Undead Elite. Maybe it will help others understand the truth about vampires. Maybe it will help me come to terms with it, too. Believe me, it’s not all satin capes and naked ladies…none of it is, actually. One naked lady would be nice. Instead, it’s just one nasty little surprise after another. The truth bears exposing, and I’m pulling back the curtain on all of it. If I can figure out how to keep it from mowing me over in the process, then that’s groovy, too. 

And that thing about vampires sparkling in the sun? 

That is a bunch of bull. 

Me and a ton of other cool people have a book:

13 authors spin tales about the many stages of life: laugh, cry, think, plot, plan, be inspired, nod your head and go "Oh yeah, girl! That happened to me too!" Click for Amazon!

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I have a book:

Attention whore, remember! Click for Time Zombie Transportation!

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.

Walter Penko’s “The Onion Psychiatrist” [Graphic Novel]

Walter Penko produces an indie comic out of his garage in Sylvania, Illinois – it’s called The Onion Psychiatrist. Just as the title states, it’s about an onion that is also a psychiatrist.

The premise of the book is that people come in to talk about their fears, their lives, their phobias – and the onion psychiatrist sits quietly listening. Invariably, just as his patients will start to feel better about their problems, the drifting lines that Penko draws to indicate the odor of the onion psychiatrist will reach the patient’s nose and they will begin tearing up and crying uncontrollably.

The onion psychiatrist only listens, Penko never employs talk bubbles with the character. The silent dialogue from the onion psychiatrist is handled by the swirling odor-lines eminating from his spherical frame. In this way, the onion is a silent observor of life’s happenings, trapped within some self imposed solitary confinement and unable to effectively interact with those people who desperately need him the most.

His patients are shown panel by panel pouring out their souls about life’s tragic circumstances while the onion sits there, quietly, stewing in his own stench. It’s as if this stench is actually a pervading anti-noise that cuts the patients down panel per panel, until they can no longer keep their composure, and in an explosive mess of tears and Kleenex, they let it all go.

Onion Psychiatrist is a tale of life in our time.  Detached from the closeness of other humans and retreating further and further into stinky personal hells. The book employs this metaphor as its core theme – the pushing away from society until the stink of it all breaks us down and exposes the fragile souls within the armor we wear day to day. As tears are purged and emotions well to the surface we are all, inevitably, gasping for clean air.

Penko himself is one who has been gasping his entire life – reaching out, but not really knowing how or who to reach to. Comics were never his life’s ambition, and even now as a sort of cult figure in the indie comics world, he seems uneasy with the whole affair. He began Onion Psychiatrist after he was laid off from the computer manufacturing industry (The Intellivision crash of ’83).

He could only find odd jobs to sustain himself and his family (eleven cats, all named Whiskers). He began his comics career after becoming obsessed with the newspaper staple The Family Circus, but also credits Hi and Lois as a huge inspiration. Never into the idea of superheroes, he decided that if he was going to venture into the comics world he’d have to create something real and that spoke to people just like me.

Penko took the plunge, investing in materials and given the luxury of free time to work on the book after a successful appearance on the game show The Price is Right allowed him to win a Showcase Showdown. Selling off his prizes for cash (a new dishwasher, a grandfather clock, and a Chevy Cavalier), …

…he purchased art supplies and began working on what would become Onion Psychiatrist. Disheveled and walking around his house in a dirty bathrobe, he drank nothing but Sanka and obsessively chewed nicotine gum for inspiration.

His compulsions paid off eventually.

Even now with his cult status and his awards he still doesn’t feel he’s arrived. Something seems to still naw at him – as if he’s the subject of his own comic. The book, he admits, has been cathartic for him.  He ventures out more, joining a square dancing class recently as well as participating in war re-enactments of the US occupation of Grenada.

“I guess…” as he ends our talk through his locked screen door, “I guess I just haven’t smelt that stank yet – that stinked.  You know? I guess I ain’t got a good enough snitched of my own stink, that which comes from my own onion. It ain’t made them teardrops flow.”

As the front door proper closed, I heard the rhythmn of many locks snapping into place and I left there feeling I had learned something about the human condition. I hummed a tune, as I lazily made my way to the next house on the block, still trying to give away all those copies of Watchtower that weighed me down so – but with a little more spring in my step.

* * * * *

I am not the genius that Walter Penko is, and I have never written a comic about Sanka or Onions, but…

Billy Purgatory happens to be the most badass skateboarder and sweet talker any broad can meet–even at the age of ten. He is also the target of supernatural forces he can’t understand, and doesn’t want to.

Billy just can’t seem to avoid all things Monster. Growing up, he encounters Devil Birds, gypsies, Time Zombies and vampires (and not the kind you want to bring home to your Pop, either). He tries to convince himself they’re not real by joining the army, fixes cars and even goes to Vegas. But whenever Billy thinks he’s put it all behind him, a monster shows up, and it’s usually in the form of the beautiful Anastasia…

Click for Time Zombie Transportation to Amazon!

Billy Purgatory is Jesse James Freeman’s first novel. He’s also studied psychology and film and scripted comics. When he’s not writing books, Jesse James trains falcons to kill Leprechaun Robots, and will continue to do so until the world is relatively safe.